This isn’t a great picture. But with the possible exception of the NFL scarf and my glasses, most of my Steeler regalia is licensed under the NFL alongside the Terrible Towel. I received the shirt and earrings as Christmas presents. And I bought the Terrible Towel during my time as a student at Saint Vincent College (which hosts Steelers Training Camp since the 1960s). The football draft protector on top of that sailing picture is also licensed. which has been in my family for years.
As many of you might already know, sports do a lot of merchandising. And the NFL is now exception, especially since this is the time of year that most of their items are on sale. Nevertheless, most items that go on sale have to be licensed by the organization before going on the market. Oh, and the NFL also makes millions of dollars on this as well. Still, there are plenty of NFL licensed items out there. Doesn’t hurt, that the NFL will sell just about anything. And I mean anything. Yes, you have the conventional gear like jerseys, hats, bedspreads, sweaters, jackets, tailgating stuff, or what not. However, any Sunday paper will feature ads pertaining to commemorative NFL as well with most consisting of figurines (which I can do a whole post about). Now these might feature team regalia as well as some degree of sickening sentimentality that you might see in a Hallmark Channel feature presentation. Now such items featured make me scratch my head on whoever’s willing to buy such crap. However, there’s a lot of other crazy crap the NFL license as well which I intend to show you. Some of these products might be the result of creative marketing while others might make you scratch your head. Now despite spending all four years of high school and college in marching band, I’m not much of a sports fan and usually don’t watch many games. But I understand that sports play a huge role in the Pittsburgh area that it’s something I really can’t ignore not writing about in my blog. For instance, the city of Pittsburgh has at least one statue of Mario Lemieux and Roberto Clemente (though the latter is more understandable) but despite years of discussion, they don’t even have a single one of Gene Kelly (for the love of God, people, put one up already!). But while the sports mentality eludes me, there are some sports fans out there who seem to support their team in ways that would go above and beyond what a normal fan might do. And yes, the NFL has the kind of stuff for them, to. So for your viewing pleasure, here is a trove of NFL merchandise that are either creative as well as bizarre.
- Grill burgers and hotdogs for tailgating with this Oakland Raiders drum smoker.
Now I understand that people grill during tailgating. But I’m not sure why anyone would take this heavy thing with them to the stadium. I mean a George Foreman grill would do just as good and is way easier to carry.
2. If you live in Wisconsin, brave the cold Midwest winters with this Green Bay Packers cheese scarf.
Now this is quite clever. After all, Packers are called Cheeseheads for a reason. It was only a matter of time before they’d come up with this.
3. Nothing makes a tailgate party a bash than a football condiment set.
Now this kind of clever as well. After all, everyone needs a place for toppings and condiments for their burgers and hot dogs. Still, I think one for all occasions would be better.
4. Go to the game in style with these Baltimore Ravens wedge heel shoes
Now NFL licensed tennis shoes and baby booties are one thing. However, if I went to a stadium game, I’d usually opt for athletic shoes. Not for these.
5. Of course, any drinking Dallas Cowboys fan would appreciate this decanter set.
I’m sure this set won’t be used for drinking beer. Those are shot glasses. Of course, this will probably be in uses for any Cowboys fan to drown in their sorrows when their team loses.
6. For the nurse in the Mile High City, support your team with these Denver Broncos scrubs.
That way, any nurse loving the Denver Broncos can show support for their team even during the weekends on call. I’m sure being in the hospital during game day is now picnic.
7. No man’s suit is complete without these Kansas City Chiefs cuff links.
Sure they may make a great gift for him. But when will a guy use these is the question. I don’t know about you but I’m no fan of sports imagery mixing with formal wear.
8. For those Peyton Manning fans out there, this might be the jersey for you.
If you like Peyton Manning but aren’t sure whether to wear his jersey from the Colts or the Broncos, this solves your problems. I mean why choose when you could have both?
9. Make your home office the ultimate man cave with this New York Jets office chair.
Not sure if sports imagery and office stuff go together. However, when it comes to buying office stuff for football fans, I’d just stick to office supplies.
10. Get your mail in fabulous football fashion with this Pittsburgh Steelers mailbox.
Now this is interesting. Clever how it has a helmet design. However, let’s hope this person lives in a safe neighborhood because I’m sure this mailbox is made from plastic. And let’s just say, plastic mailboxes don’t do well against vandalism. Believe me, I know.
11. Ladies, please your man with your very own set of Dallas Cowboys lingerie.
Now I don’t get this. Yes, I’m sure there are plenty of women who love football. I can understand NFL themed underwear or pajamas for either gender and all ages. But NFL themed lingerie is ridiculous.
12. Wake up in the morning with toast from this Chicago Bears football toaster.
Yeah, having a NFL branded toast from a football toaster for breakfast. Seems more like an expensive novelty item that I don’t need.
13. Have a hard time keeping track of snacks? Then this Pittsburgh Steelers assorted snack helmet should make things easier.
I have to admit, this is quite clever. Now the potato chips can be on top while the other stuff is situated at the face mask.
14. Want to sparkle in the stands? Well, how about a Green Bay Packers sequins baseball cap?
Okay, I can totally understand the NFL selling baseball caps. But sequins baseball caps? I’m sure women will be perfectly fine buying the regular ones.
15. Cuddle up to watch the game with your very own Pittsburgh Steelers snuggie.
Now I’m sure the NFL sells team snuggies all the time. But this one is particularly noteworthy since it has a player from the neck down on it.
16. Nothing makes you a real football fan than a Dallas Cowboys blinged helmet.
I think this is from the same company that made the ridiculous pet jewelry. And like pet jewelry, it’s probably a very expensive thing nobody needs.
17. Step in style with these glittery Pittsburgh Steelers high heeled shoes.
Now I know there are many female Steeler fans out there. But Steeler high heels? Seriously, I might like high heels as much as the next girl. But I’d usually wear them for more formal occasions. Besides, high heels aren’t the most comfortable. Seriously, why?
18. Slip into bed with this Denver Broncos negligee.
Now lacy underwear is one thing. But sexy NFL sleepwear is a whole different matter. I’m sure there are plenty of women who love professional football. But how many of them are willing to buy an NFL negligee I have no idea.
19. Enjoy a romantic dinner with this Carolina Panthers high heel wine bottle holder.
Now I featured the high heel bottle holder in an earlier post as a bad Mother’s Day gift. Make it NFL themed and it achieves a whole new level of tackiness. Why the NFL sells these, I have no idea.
20. Nothing makes tailgating more fun than a San Francisco 49ers picnic basket.
It’s also said to be collapsible and insulated. So this is no ordinary picnic basket. But one with all the perks of a lunchbox and/or cooler.
21. Make your bachelorette party a splash with this Miami Dolphins bachelorette party veil.
Now I have no idea why any girl would want a NFL themed bachelorette party. And even so, I’m not sure who the hell would have a veil like this.
22. Celebrate the football season with this Green Bay Packers miniature tailgate set.
Don’t really see miniature gardeners as football fans. But what do I know? Still, they sell stuff like this at SkyMall, just so you know.
23. Drink a toast to your favorite team with this Miami Dolphins artisan wine glass.
I suppose these are more or less collector’s items and used more often for decoration. Not sure if anyone would use them for drinking.
24. Cool yourself off with this Pittsburgh Steelers helmet fan.
Now this is actually quite ingenious. Gives the concept, “ultimate NFL fan” a whole new meaning. Wonder how big it is.
25. Keep yourself warm with this New England Patriots luchador mask.
It’s said that amid of the Deflategate scandals, Tom Brady considered wearing one of these during his suspension. But it was later lifted by a federal judge in New York, on account that Brady was on his fantasy football team.
26. Kick back and watch the game with this Washington Redskins couch.
For some NFL fans, a team themed couch might be something they’d like to have, but will never get. Well, unless they’re married to someone who’s as much of a passionate football as them or very rich.
27. For babies, this New England Patriots blinky will surely show support for your team.
I have no qualms of the NFL selling pacifiers. But bling pacifiers? Seriously, why? A regular pacifier is cheap and does the job just as well. A bling pacifier is just so goddamned stupid.
28. Make yourself at home with this Green Bay Packers coffee table.
This will probably be a good addition to anyone’s man cave, bar room, or bachelor pad living room. Then again, if you want a team coffee table, you could just put team decals on it and take them off whenever you want. It’s also much cheaper.
29. Help keep the garden birds clean with this Indianapolis Colts bird bath.
Of course, knowing birds, I’m sure this would be covered in bird shit once it’s in use. Hope the fan doesn’t take it personally. But that’s what birds do.
30. Make some grilled cheese sandwiches and waffles with this New York Jets sandwich and waffle grill.
Now I suppose that whoever buys this would be willing to buy a generic kitchen item to show that they’re more of a fan than you. I mean nobody needs a NFL team logo on their grilled cheese sandwich.
31. Bring in the spirit of your team to your pizza party with a Jacksonville Jaguars edible helmet pizza print.
From Sporting News: “The perfect topping to make a football party even more football partier. Apply the helmet of this subpar team to any piping hot pizza and revel in its edibleness. Mediocrity tastes delicious.”
32. Celebrate the Christmas season with this Buffalo Bills Christmas tree topper.
From Sporting News: “What better way to bring endless cheer than this holiday reminder that your team is playing for a draft pick? Nothing says ‘the birth of Jesus’ quite like corporate propaganda.” I think I’d rather go with a generic Christmas angel and star, thank you very much. Seriously, I don’t want an NFL team logo topping my Christmas tree.
33. Show your team spirit in your closet with a set of New York Jets wooden hangers.
On NFL shop a set of 3 of these cost $12.95, which is overpriced. You can easily get a set of 5 for $6.99 at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, but without the NFL logo. Actually you can get wooden hangers practically anywhere like pharmacies, hardware stores, as well as clothing and general living stores. So these aren’t worth it.
34. Make sure your tires are fully filled and sealed with these San Francisco 49ers valve stem covers.
NFL promotions aside, this begs the question. I mean who in the hell would ever buy valve stem covers? Are they even necessary? Most cars probably don’t have all 4 and their tires are most likely doing just fine.
35. Bugs bothering you? Then take care of business with these Dallas Cowboys fly swatters.
Seems like everything is bigger in Texas, even the fruit flies. Besides, fly swatters are kind of obsolete anyway. Better used by people who want to keep Tony Romo away from the chips and dip at a dinner party.
36. Clean yourself in the shower with this Chicago Bears Loofa.
For just $7.49, you can clean your entire body with Chicago pride using this loofa with an embroidered, cartoonish bear that looks like he’s having a bit too much fun. Seriously, Bears fans, is cleaning your body with a cartoonish bear going to make you a better football fan? I don’t want to know.
37. Spend some time with your buddies during commercial break by playing cribbage with this Minnesota Vikings cribbage board.
From Sporting News: “There may be no greater reminder that the NFL will license anything than a board game that hasn’t been popular since the 1980s.” Besides, I’ve only heard about this game on M*A*S*H, and only as a reason why Major Winchester got kicked out of Tokyo General and transferred to the M*A*S*H 4077th. But still, does anyone play that game anymore? I doubt it.
38. Like football? Then I’m sure children will find delight in this New England Patriots boxing hand puppet.
Yes, this might be a fun to for WWII era children. But they’re all either senior citizens or dead by now. Would love to use this against Tom Brady.
39. Support your team while running a busy restaurant kitchen with this Tampa Bay Buccaneers premium chef coat.
From Sporting News: “This 100 percent cotton coat is perfect for any tailgate chef looking to take their game to the next level. Nobody would doubt your grilling skills if they see you flipping burgers in this 12-button, French-cut with a thermometer pocket on the sleeve. While you won’t doubt your culinary expertise, your friends may wonder why you attend tailgates dressed like Bobby Flay.”
40. Show your team spirit in your steak with this Cincinnati Bengals meat branding iron.
Sorry, but branding your steak doesn’t make it taste better. In fact, branding your steak isn’t really necessary. And no, I don’t think such an implement will make even the most distinguished grillmeister a better fan.
41. Travel around the golf course in this Seattle Seahawks golf cart.
Now I know the NFL sells a lot of golf stuff. But I think this golf cart is ridiculous. Seriously, I’m sure only rich golf fans could even buy this.
42. Aim for comfort with this Pittsburgh Steelers bra and underwear set.
Sure an NFL team themed bra and underwear set might be quite weird if you get my drift. However, I take more an affront with the words, “I’ll be your half-time show” more than anything. Of course, can you expect the NFL to be nice to women? No.
43. Style up your hair with an Atlanta Falcons hair extensions.
Yeah, I’m sure want to support my team by wearing NFL licensed hair extensions. Sure it might look cool on some women but utterly ridiculous on others.
44. Go to the game in style with this Dallas Cowboy sparkly baseball hat with leopard prints.
Now an NFL licensed baseball hat is one thing. But one with a sparkly logo and leopard prints? That’s just insane. Seriously, that’s the tackiest baseball hat I’ve ever seen.
45. On cold days, show friends you’re crazy for your team with this Philadelphia Eagles soup bowl.
It’s even shaped like a helmet for added emphasis, too. Besides, you don’t have to use it for soup. You can put all kinds of things in there like like candy, almonds, or even prescription drugs!
46. Have an NFL team you particularly dislike? Then wipe your but with some Dallas Cowboys toilet paper.
I chose the Dallas Cowboy in this case because my dad hates them more than any other team in the league. However, the New England Patriots aren’t far behind. Neither are the Baltimore Ravens or the Cleveland Browns.
47. Look like a badass with this New York Giants fighter pilot helmet.
From Bleacher Report: “You don’t need to be in a plane to enjoy this pilot helmet! Wear it to the grocery store, in bed, or even to work! Don’t worry if people are looking at you funny — they’re just jealous!” Actually unless you’re in a plane, wearing a fighter pilot helmet will make you look like an idiot.
48. Give your hotdogs the big league treatment with this Dallas Cowboys hotdog branding iron.
Is branding your hotdogs really necessary? Seriously, as long as they’re grilled, who the hell would give a shit if they have your favorite team on them? Besides, I really don’t want to eat a hotdog that supports the Dallas Cowboys anyway.
49. Support your team on the open range with a pair of these Miami Dolphins cowboy boots.
Now I’d understand the Dallas Cowboys having these for obvious reasons. But there are NFL licensed cowboy boots for practically every single team. And I’m not sure if having cowboy boots is appropriate for the Miami Dolphins.
50. Get ready for your tailgating party with this Arizona Cardinals crock pot.
Now I can understand why you’d use a crock pot for tailgating (even though I’m not sure about how they’d get the electricity). However, what I don’t get is why anyone would need one with an NFL logo when just a normal one would do.
51. Of course, this T-shirt designer obviously thinks: “If Marilyn Monroe were alive today, she’d be a Dallas Cowboys fan.”
Okay, now it’s one thing to have a sexy woman on a T-shirt wearing a Tony Romo Jersey. But a tattooed Marilyn Monroe? Seriously, Dallas, how can you possibly think that Marilyn would ever support your team? I mean she was born in California and was married to a New York Yankee and a New York playwright. So I don’t think she’d be a Dallas Cowboys fan.
52. Now you can stage your on fantasy football tournament with your friends by winning this NFL Fantasy Football trophy.
I may not get fantasy football or have any interest in it. But I really do like this trophy since I find it so amusingly appropriate. Yeah, the happy guy standing out of his armchair with his laptop is priceless.
53. Have your daughter look like a princess with her very own Houston Texans princess tiara and wand.
Yeah, I really think that a little girl would want a tiara and wand with her favorite NFL football team. Seriously, even little girls know that Disney is a way better place for princess gear than the NFL.
54. Get fired up this summer with this San Diego Chargers swimsuit.
Well, I have to admit at least the top is compatible with my bra size. Still, despite the lightning bolts on her outfit, she doesn’t come across as “electrifying” to me.
55. For your wedding, nothing goes better on a bride than a Denver Broncos garter.
Well, at least it’s something blue. But still, a Denver Broncos garter? I really want to know why anyone would consider such item as appropriate for a wedding.
56. Nothing shows your love of football more than a bedazzled pigskin.
Now there are things that should and can be bedazzled. And there are things that shouldn’t be bedazzled. A football would generally fall into the latter.
57. Be the ballerina princess of the gridiron with this Washington Redskins tutu set.
Now these NFL tutus tend to be catered to young girls which is fine by me. However, they also sell these to women which makes them look like idiots.
58. Keep your hands warm with these Seattle Seahawks pom pom gloves.
Now I wonder how people can actually eat with those on or possibly do other things. Because I think I see the pom poms getting in the way.
59. Clean yourself up with your very own Saint Louis Rams shower curtain.
Now I’m sure there are plenty who’d dream of having an NFL shower curtain. However, I’m positive that few actually do, especially if your team’s colors doesn’t go well with the room.
60. Kick back, relax, and watch the game with your very own New Orleans Saints recliner.
Of course, there are some people who might want their team logo on an easy chair. But this doesn’t mean they should be in a living room. More like someone’s entertainment center or man cave.
61. Snuggle up with your very own Eli Manning plushie.
Yes, this is a plushie of the New York Giants quarterback as well as 2 time Super Bowl MVP. However, before Peyton should get this to taunt his brother, he should know that they have one of him, too. Oh, and they also have Tony Romo, Jay Cutler, Larry Fitzgerald, Ben Roethlisberger, Troy Polamalu, and Michael Vick.
62. Support your team and have your nails shimmer with a set of Tennessee Titans nail decals.
Also, kind of funny how Cover Girl has a feature on NFL nail designs. As if I really give a shit about what my nails look like when watching a football game (not).
63. Keep your beverages fresh with your very own Kansas City Chiefs refrigerator.
Has their own taps. For what, I really don’t want to find out. However, I think a getting a NFL themed fridge is kind of ridiculous if you get my drift.
64. Be the ultimate fan and grace your bathroom with a Kansas City Chiefs toilet.
Seriously, why show your love for your team by buying something that usually goes with the house? I mean the only reason why anyone would buy a new toilet is if suddenly bursts into a bunch of bits. I mean why?
65. Fit into your dress with this Denver Broncos orange satin corset.
Okay, NFL lingerie is one thing. But an NFL themed corset? Please. I mean most women don’t wear corsets anymore for God’s sake. Seriously, why?
66. Cozy up while watching the game with your very own Washington Redskins moccasins.
I know that the NFL issues moccasins for every team. But a Washington Redskins themed moccasins is the kind that offends Native Americans. I mean for the love of God, Redskins, can you just change your freaking name?
67. Customize your game room with a Cleveland Browns pool table.
On second thought, don’t because brown and orange are terrible colors for decor anyway. Besides, I think showing your love for your team with a pool table is a bit much.
68. Fire up the grill with these Detroit Lions grill tools.
Now I know people grill stuff for football games. But feeling that you need to buy NFL themed grill tools is just so absurd. A normal set of grill tools from Wal Mart would do just as good.
69. Store your beer for tailgating with this Buffalo Bills football cooler.
Now this is quite a clever contraption. However, I wonder how big it is and whether it would fit in a sedan trunk. Also, can be dragged by wheels.
70. Show your support for your team by painting your nails with your very own Pittsburgh Steelers nail polish.
Now NFL themed nail polish. Do you think women will find it necessary to paint their nails the team colors? I think not.
71. Celebrate Christmas with this New England Patriots Christmas stocking.
Probably wouldn’t want to look in there. Might contain stuff like spy cams, deflaters, and radio headsets with really bad reception.
72. Light up your pool table with a Saint Louis Rams box-style billiard light.
With a lamp like this at your pool table, you can now really make your man cave look like a bar. Of course, it might even become one if you keep your alcohol there.
73. Fire up and flip your burgers with a Philadelphia Eagles grill.
Now grill tools and meat branders are one thing. But a NFL themed grill? That’s insane. Seriously, why?
74. Enjoy the big game with your Denver Broncos bling baseball cap.
Will certainly cost a lot more than a regular NFL licensed baseball cap. So I wouldn’t consider it a worthy investment. It’s a waste.
75. Decorate your garden for game day with a Green Bay Packers garden stepping stone.
Well, that seems like an interesting idea. Of course, it might not look as nice when the elements take over, especially the bird poop. Or the dog poop.
76. Make your alcoholic beverages look festive with this Indianapolis Colts bottle charms.
I have no idea why people would consider decorating their alcoholic beverage bottles. Such charms seem like useless decorations for me. Seriously, why?
77. Kick back and enjoy the game in a Minnesota Vikings helmet chair.
In some ways, it looks like something only a really crazy fan may buy. But on the other hand, it looks somewhat ingenious. I can’t decide. But it’s probably not cheap so it’s not what I’d buy anyway.
78. Snack on some cheese and crackers with your very own Carolina Panthers cheese cutting board set.
And the cutting board is depicted like a football field. I wonder if this might carry some unfortunate implications like cutting the cheese at the 40 yard line.
79. Enjoy bath time with this Cincinnati Bengals rubber duckie.
Looking at this rubber duckie, I’m wondering why Ernie didn’t get a Jets or Giants one. Oh, wait, I’m sure Ernie isn’t much of a football fan.
80. Cuddle up at the big game with a Pittsburgh Steelers Steely McBeam pillow pet.
Yes, they make them for all teams. However, Steely McBeam isn’t well loved by Steelers fans since he’s terrifying as hell. So let me say just kill it, kill it with fire.