Of course, we tend to see food being advertised these days all the time since we can’t really live without it. Nevertheless, you tend to see a lot of food ads during the football season, most of them usually pertain to stuff that’s not very good for you. I mean a lot of the food you see in such ads pertains to snacks, fast food, ready made stuff, candy, and other products guaranteed to give you a heart attack at 55. But unlike many football season beer commercials, a lot of these food ads are terrible and tend to be repeated a lot, especially ads from fast food restaurants. Nevertheless, food advertising made up a significant ad share in previous generations as well. And in all types of mediums, too, like in magazines, TV, radio, and newspapers. Or in other words, everywhere but the internet. Yet, as of now, you tend to see plenty of food ads containing recipes as well. Now I can talk about the great vintage food ads all I want. But chances are you wouldn’t find it the least entertaining. So instead, I’ll feature food ads which might make you scratch your head. These will feature dishes that appear as if they came a pot fueled chef in Greenwich Village, negative stereotyping, suggestive language, and creepy children. Also, ads featuring condiments, ingredients, toppings, and non-alcoholic drinks count as food, too. Of course, I’d advise all of you to not read this post while you’re eating or drinking. I don’t want any unintentional responsibility of making someone regurgitate their own lunch. So without further adieu, here are some vintage food ads that might make you a little queasy for your reading pleasure. Some of these might not be safe for work.
- Skinless Frankfurters and Wieners: “Are sure to be tender because they have no skins!”
I know that it’s supposed to refer to hotdogs. But it sounds like something you’d hear in Anthony Weiner’s Tinder profile. They even have a poem reading “How the Frankfurter Lost It’s Skin.” Yeah, real nice.
2. Velveeta: “Extra good for young kids and young mothers, too! Is full of health from milk!”
You know, the stuff your dad uses to make a cheesy salsa dip? Yeah, that cheesy stuff. Said to be real cheese, well, sort of. Of course, I’m not sure I’d go that far to call it a health food though.
3. “When I’m eating Jell-O, I wish I were a zebra …because then I could paint my stripes and remind everyone of those six delicious flavors.”
Uh, I don’t think zebras work that way. You see, zebras can’t change their own stripes. Besides, I wonder if Jell-O’s ad staff at the time was so high on acid to come up with stuff like this.
4. Grace your baked beans with some bangers and balls from the H. J. Heinz Company.
Now these consist of “Beanz with Balls,” “Red Hot Balls,” and “Big Saucy” Bangers” (which is sausage). No, those aren’t porn titles. Those are exactly what’s said on the tin. Yeah, Heinz really needs consultation on product names. Then again, maybe such suggestive names make good advertising.
5. Try Sun-Kissed Grapefruit, the kind of fruit that really conceals your melons.
I get the impression that she’s not wearing anything under her shirt. Let’s just say the juice and the fruit are conveniently placed near her naughty bits. Sort of gives the notion of “food porn” a whole new meaning.
6. Remember that bread is life. Hmm…wonder what can go wrong with that?
And I’m sure a loaf of bread has to rise before it’s eaten. But I’m not sure it has to be erect or even long and hard. Still, I wonder if the photographer arranged it as a joke or it was intended as an ad for Playboy. Either would be understandable. Still, it’s a wonder that Bice didn’t get sued over this because I’m pretty sure it gives the notion of “food porn” another whole new meaning.
7. Remember, kids, that a secret to a healthy and successful relationship is lard.
In case you don’t know, lard is pig fat that’s used for shortening or butter. Has no trans fats but it’s pretty disgusting. Also, it’s not used a lot now in the US because it’s not kosher or halal. But it’s becoming popular in Britain.
8. Rice: The food that will improve your sex life.
Looking at this ad, at first, I’d get the impression this was for cosmetics or soap. Not rice. As to why anyone thought this was a good way to sell rice, I have no idea. I mean if you’re going to sell rice, at least show a picture of rice. Not something like this.
9. Buy Egg-O-See, the food with the flavor!
I don’t know what Egg-O-See is. But looking at that terrifying girl, I think it might be some sort of arsenic laced cereal designed to kill me. Seriously, to look at her is to see the face of impending and horrifying death.
10. Trying to lose weight as a busy mom? Then why don’t you try sugar?
Yeah, sugar. The kind of weight loss chemical that will help you lose weight by giving you Type II Diabetes. Of course, it has a strong tendency to make your kids hyper, overweight, and prone to all sorts of health problems. Yeah, I wonder how much this ad is to blame for the obesity crisis.
11. 7 UP, the family soft drink you’re never too young to start.
I don’t starting kids on 7 UP while they’re still in diapers is a good idea. Might give them an early start in developing Type II Diabetes and childhood obesity. Yeah, I’m sure that makes you an exemplar on parenting (sarcasm).
12. Even Dennis the Menace loves his Kellogg’s Rice Krispie Treats.
Okay, it seems that Dennis the Menace is actually way creepier in person. Yes, his mouth’s open. But I’m not sure if he’s hungry for Rice Krispie Treats. We better hope so.
13. The perfect woman is the one who will make her man a sandwich with Wonder Bread.
Now despite the sexual connotations, there’s really nothing wrong with this ad picture. However, saying that using Wonder Bread will help women get men as well as labeling that woman “date bait” is. Guys should make their own sandwiches, not have women make ones for them. Well, unless they’re either her customers or in grade school.
14. “Open up an Oreo creme sandwich, and take a lick!”
Now I don’t know about you. But this girl scares the living hell out of me with her big terrifying blue eyes and her forked tongue sticking out. Let’s just say I think she has more than Oreo Cookies on her mind. But I’m not sure if I’d be too freaked out to ask.
15. Make beautiful pastries with Bakeo.
You know that if you want to sell food, you got to make it look tasty. These treats make me want to lose my appetite. Looks more like a mix between baking ingredients and building material.
16. Remember that Sugar Frosted Flakes are Grrrrrreat!
Unfortunately, you can’t say the same for Tony the Tiger who looks as if he’s about to do something bad to that kid. Yeah, the boy better look behind him and run. Still, I’m not a big fan of celebrity makeovers, but I think the people at Kelloggs made the right decision to give Tony the Tiger one. Just sayin.’
17. Make your own Cheeseburger Loaf with Carnation Evaporated Milk.
Of course, this might be the dish for you if you like cheesburgers and are on the Atkins diet. Still, cheeseburgers are one thing. However, cheeseburger meatloaf like combining two things that should never be together. Yeah, it’s pretty disgusting.
18. Karo syrup is always great for pancakes and sticky buns.
Of course, take note that this terrifying Karo Kid is at the stove cooking as well as planning to murder his parents. Yeah, I wouldn’t touch those sticky buns or pancakes if I were you. They might be laced with cyanide or some other poison.
19. Nothing tastes better than Old Dick candy bar.
Hate to say this, but “Old Dick” is perhaps one of the worst candy bar names ever. Also, when I come across “Tastes like Old Dick,” I really don’t want anything of it. Yeah, this ad is really not appropriate for children and kind of homoerotic but not in a good way.
20. You can cook all kinds of things with Karo and there’s no trick to make them.
I don’t know what he has in his hand or what he’s going to do with it. But I have a feeling he’s not going to use it to cook anything. Chances are, he’s going to kill someone with it from the look in his eyes. Boy, this kid is pure evil without a doubt.
21. Remember, kids, drink a full glass of Florida Orange Juice every day.
From Wait But Why: “This kid looks rowdy as fuck. Good thing he took a break from egging the neighbors’ houses to climax over a glass of orange juice.” Of course, I’m sure he’s going to poison some pigeons, skin a cat, and smash some mailboxes before the day is done. Yeah, a real swell kid.
22. Campbell’s Vegetable Soup: the canned soup for hungry and horny husbands everywhere.
Wonder what she’s reaching for with her other hand. Is her husband anxious for his dinner or a handjob? Either way, eating Campbell’s soup might but them at risk for heart disease due to its high sodium content. Because as they say at Campbell’s, “Mmmmm….salt.”
23. “Wish I had a million Oreos!”
Now I don’t want to endanger children’s health and well being by giving them treats. But I’ll just make this terrifying tot an exception because I don’t want him to lose his appetite for Oreos and develop a taste for human flesh. Wouldn’t hurt if he got Type II Diabetes in the process. Still, doesn’t stop his face from giving me nightmares.
24. For chocolate milk, drink O’Baby.
More like O’Tar Baby to me with the virulently racist caricature drinking it. If you’re American, you should be very aware about why it’s not okay to draw black people this way.
25. While married men have wives who can cook for them at home, single men can eat at Hardee’s.
Basically, Hardee’s is saying to single guys, “If you ain’t married, then you’re probably not going to eat anything but fast food.” As if they’re saying that single men can’t cook for themselves or have moved out of their parents’ homes already. Let’s just say if you like fast food and blatant sexism against both genders, then Hardee’s is the place for you.
26. “This Chiffon cake only requires 4 eggs!”
Now this is the kind of dessert that will go quite well with a dish of green eggs and ham. Because it looks as if it’s been left in somebody’s refrigerator for about 3-6 months. Seriously, that must be one of the most disgusting cakes I’ve ever seen. And the green icing doesn’t help at all.
27. Nestle’s Coca: the coca for moms and their mutant alien children.
Let me guess. His father was small, green, and had more than just four appendages. And he doesn’t take well to oxygen. Right now, he’s probably on some business trip to a planet in some other galaxy. Yeah, it’s a pretty crazy arrangement but at least his parents try to make it work.
28. Get the original double decker hamburger Big Boy at Bob’s Big Boy Restaurant.
Seems like the Big Boy might need to stop eating those burgers and start going to the gym or change his diet. Might be at risk of developing Type II Diabetes, heart disease, and other health problems. Yes, obesity is a real bitch.
29. Maxwell House Coffee: The coffee drink for blackface minstrel shows and show boat performers.
Of course, this might be a reason why black people didn’t drink Maxwell House coffee during the Civil Rights Movement. To put a short story short, blackface is racist and offensive for obvious reasons, especially in minstrel shows. Seriously, Maxwell, what the fucking hell?
30. Red Magic says that Heinz Tomato Ketchup makes everything taste better.
I don’t know about you, but what’s with this scary monocled tomato head guy with a top hat? Because he is simply creepy and evil looking as hell. I guess the marketing department at Heinz was literally tripping balls when they came up this this guy.
31. Remember, kids, back in the day, there was no party like a prune party.
And I’m sure this prune party would go well for their bowel movements that they’ll poop their pants before it’s over. Not to mention, they’ll probably have another one when they’re all living at the same retirement home. Of course, what baffles me about this one is why did they use kids to sell prunes? They’re for senior citizens for God’s sake.
32. Velveeta cheese really goes on smooth like this woman.
I know that sex sells. But still, why the hell would Kraft use a naked woman to sell Velveeta? Then again, this ad probably came out during football season and catered to men reading Playboy.
33. Kellogg’s Soya is crisp, sweet, and a twin treat.
And it seems that these twin boys would be absolutely perfect for those two creepy twin girls from The Shining. However, I’m not sure which set is more terrifying. Then again, after breakfast, these two boys plan to dig up a grave to hide their next door neighbor’s body. How sweet.
34. Hostess Sno-Balls: America’s No.1 Glamour Gal!
Well, I’m sure any guy would go for a sexy woman with a pastry head. Nevertheless, despite the freakiness here, Sno-Balls aren’t even the best known Hostess product out there. I’m sure Twinkies, Ho-Hos, and Hostess Cupcakes get way more attention. Sno-Balls barely get any.
35. Smith’s Bacon: Bringing families together for breakfast in the creepiest ways possible.
I really don’t like how Grandpa is behaving toward Susie right now. Sure he misses Grandma dearly since she died from cancer last year and Susie kind of looks like her. And we all know he’s been battling dementia. But still, his conduct toward Susie is disturbing just the same.
36. Kitchen Craft Flour always makes everything taste better at home.
For the love of God, get this blueberry pie eating moppet away from me! She’s utterly freaky and is probably the lovechild of either Tweedledee or Tweedledum. I’m not sure which for they’re hard to tell apart.
37. Shredded Wheat: a housewife’s “Declaration of Independence.”
By “independence” she means, “breakfast she can make without the servants” as it says on this ad. Of course, she still can’t vote since this ad came out before 1920.
38. Kellogg’s Cornflakes is the sweetheart of the corn.
So I guess that this was how we got Children of the Corn or Concordia College’s Kernel Cob. Yeah, I really don’t want to see some hot corn on woman action going on here. Yes, she really loves corn but in a very disturbing way. Don’t ask.
39. Champions always start young with Wheaties!
And it seems like this little champion might develop some anger issues as well as hit his daddy with a baseball. Man, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be around that kid. Particularly if there’s a chance that he’ll be on his way to becoming the next Jon McEnroe.
40. You will learn to love Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes even if this woman has make you by beating the living shit out of you.
In case you’re wondering, these people are servants at some house. She’s a cook and he’s a clerk. And she’s beating the shit out of him because he brought her the wrong cereal, which she thinks is serious business. Still, why Kellogg’s thought why depicting workplace violence in their ad was a good idea is beyond me.
41. Betty Crocker cake mix helps husbands beat wives.
Oh, my God, Betty Crocker, how could you advocate domestic violence against women? Out of all people, you should be the last person to say such a thing! Then again, Betty Crocker might just be talking about how her cake mixes help give men an edge against their wives in cake bake. But she probably had a very poor choice in words and emphasis.
42. Even freckly blond kids love their Fig Newtons.
Of course, either this kid really loves fig newtons or he’s planning to use them for his evil plan. Yes, to him, murder is the sweetest thing in the world. I wouldn’t want to touch these things after he’s done with them.
43. Campbell’s Tomato Soup makes meat-za pizza as easy as 1-2-3!
Seriously, Campbells? And I thought certain chain restaurants were bad with some of their entrees. I’d call this pizza “The Heart Attack Special.” I mean its crust and pie are made from ground beef with cheese, mushrooms, and Campbell’s tomato soup. And we all know that Campbell’s contains Mmmmmm….salt.
44. Atora Beef Suet makes great steak pudding cups.
From Oddee: “When we first saw this ad, we read “Atora” as “aorta” and thought these looked like cross sections of an artery. In reality, they are beef suet tarts or beef fat pastries, which sound just as appetizing.” Yeah, couldn’t say it better myself. Wouldn’t want to eat one of these on my plate.
45. Concerned about your family’s health? Give them a V8.
I don’t know about you. But looking at this kid’s expression, I think I’ll take a pass on this one. Seriously, I think this mother is using V8 for something more sinister. For God’s sake, look at her face! She looks freaking insane!
46. Baby Ruth: It’s what all the girls in the go for.
Since he started giving out Baby Ruth bars, Bobby always had the girls flock over to him ever since. Now he’s become the biggest player on campus. But I really don’t want to tell you what the girls give him in return.
47. Beech-Nut Peanut Butter always puts flavor first.
Seems like this girl is saying, “Once this peanut butter’s mine, then I’ll control the whole world! At last, vengeance will be mine! Mwha ha ha ha ha ha!”
48. May I present to you a meaty new idea called Ribs in a Can.
Now we know where McDonald’s gets the molded meat for the McRib. However, these actually look more like the genuine article than what McDonald’s has. Well, whenever they have the McRib.
49. Dairy Queen presents its new mascot– Mr. Astro Chimp.
Wait a minute, Dairy Queen had a mascot? Of course, I can see why Mr. Astro Chimp didn’t last long. Probably got fired for terrifying the kids and adults. Yeah, he’s just so damn creepy.
50. Stokley’s Tomato Ketchup brings in the joy of good eating. It’s like eating a real juicy tomato that is.
Of course, to him, eating a tomato is like munching on somebody’s internal organs. Yes, squishy and juicy internal organs. Man, this is one creepy kid. Hope he’s not planning to eat that tomato with somebody’s heart.
51. “Sssh, remember that Kellogg’s Rice Krispies is so crispy, it crackles in cream.”
Of course, she hopes the cereal crackles enough that she can whack the neighbor with a shovel and hide his body in the bushes. Yes, this seemingly sweet little girl is pure evil.
52. With Campbell’s Soup you can make your own soup shakes with milk and cinnamon.
Okay, I don’t know about you. But I find the idea of Campbell’s Soup shakes completely disgusting. Seriously, who the hell puts a can of Campbell’s Soup with milk and cinnamon? That’s just so fucked up, man. Seriously, why?
53. Make some Dude Ranch Beans with Ann Page.
Well, at least it has more pork than what you’d see in pork and beans. Of course, the sausage is on a stick. Still, must have a lot of salt to give some dude at a ranch a heart attack.
54. Make Ruby Chicken with Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce.
Okay, now just because chicken and cranberries may be good next each other, doesn’t mean they should be mixed together in the stew. Sorry, Ocean Spray, but your Ruby Chicken is disgusting. Also, are those white things ping pong balls?
55. Bask in the joy of good eating with Stokley’s Tenderoni.
Of course, let’s just say it’s either this or a stew of somebody’s intestines. Seriously, he may look happy but he has absolutely no soul and evil in his heart. And after he’s finished, he might have murder on the mind.
56. Bisquick: So simple a husband can do it!
Yeah, a guy needs Bisquick to make his own biscuits. Of course, why these people think men can’t cook for themselves, I have no idea. I’m sure some husbands could cook at the time. Not all men have to be helpless in the kitchen.
57. Juicy Bite Apples: the ideal fruit for emaciated children.
Yes, that kid really likes his apple since it’s probably the first thing he’s eaten in a week. Of course, if he’s hungry any longer, he could go homicidal and turn to cannibalism.
58. When you’re expecting company, there’s nothing better than Supper Supper Salad Loaf with Hellman’s Mayonaise.
Actually, if I saw this being served at somebody else’s place, I’d probably lose my appetite. If not, then possibly barf. Now that’s one of the most disgusting loaves I’ve ever seen.
59. Spry Ground Beef is so tasty and tender that you’ll enjoy it as much as steak.
Is it just me, or does this Spry Ground Beef seem a little charred to you? On second thought, I’d rather take the steak. Might be a bit expensive, but at least I won’t eat ashes. Well, when it’s cooked medium rare, anyway.
60. Children just simply love Fry’s Pure Concentrated Coca. They just don’t show it.
Actually I think this little girl is planning something. Perhaps she might have murder on the mind like killing her nanny for no good reason. Yes, she’s a little psychopath. Just look at her adorable but terrifying soulless eyes.
61. H.P. Sauce is good with bacon.
Maybe it is. However, H.P. Sauce won’t do you any good with bacon if that bacon is chasing you. Yeah, that is one of the scariest and evil pigs I’ve ever seen in my life.
62. Beverly Peanut Butter gives extra health in every bite.
Hate to say this but once this boy is done with his peanut butter sandwich, I’m sure he’s going to go forward with his plans on killing the neighbor who stole his bike. Yes, that kid will indeed pay. Let’s just say this blond peanut butter sandwich munching child is bound to keep anyone up at night.
63. Skinless wieners and frankfurters are always straight and separate, never curved or linked.
Of course, this boy’s eating two skinless wieners because they have no skins. Meanwhile on the right is a delectable hotdog and bacon dish bound to increase your risk for a coronary.
64. American kids shouldn’t suffer from lack of butter!
Now I had no idea that they were allowed to show naked kid butts in the 1950s. Of course, that kid has a creepy look on his face for some reason. Perhaps he has murder on the mind.
65. Remember, that there are 2 delicious ways to keep trim.
Yeah, and they seem to involve processed meats that contain lots of salt. Of course, the only way these ideas will keep you trim is giving you a fatal heart attack at an early age. Seriously, processed meats aren’t really good for you.
66. Remember, kids, donuts contain nutritious vitamins.
Of course, if that was true, then we’d be encouraged to eat them more often. However, it’s not but people still eat them anyway. Not because they should since they’re kind of fattening to say the least. Still, the kids in this ad seem terrifying for some reason. Maybe they’d use donuts to fatten up someone for a human sacrifice.
67. Make your own tuna fish from a mold with A1.
Now that is one of the least appetizing seafood dishes I have ever seen in my life. I mean the fish doesn’t even look real for God’s sake. Besides, isn’t A1 supposed to be used as steak sauce? Yeah, this dish is gross.
68. Remember, children love Kellogg’s Cornflakes.
And I suspect that this girl is planning to kill her mother for serving bad cereal once she turns her back. Yeah, she may seem sweet and innocent, but her eyes reveal she has a vicious streak about a mile wide.
69. Here’s health to Campbell’s Tomato Juice!
But smiles, well, not so much? Well, at least since Prohibition put an end to these women’s Margarita parties, no less. Still, I’m sure Campbell’s salt content in their products will make up for that. Because Campbell’s is Mmmmmm……salt!
70. These girls scream for Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes.
Don’t be fooled. You might think they’re screaming for Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes. But what they’re really screaming for is your immortal soul. Yes, they want your delicious immortal soul. They’ll also settle for your body, too.