Stupid Baby Stuff

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I may be a non-pregnant single woman who doesn’t have kids, but even I know that like pets, babies need certain things that the rest of us don’t. Yes, we know they’re a lot of work and hassle since they can’t do anything for themselves save maybe the standard bodily functions and crying for someone to meet their every whim. However, despite what the media may seem, babies don’t stay babies for long so there are plenty of ways for new or expectant parents to get all their baby needs without breaking the bank as much. Seriously, I can’t remember how many times I’ve seen baby stuff at yard sales. Nevertheless, as the oldest of 24 grandchildren, I’ve probably been around babies longer than a lot of people that I’ve lost count to how many baptisms I’ve been to growing up. Still, this doesn’t stop some enterprising person from inventing some baby stuff these little tykes really don’t need or want in that matter. Some baby things out there will not see much use like certain clothes whether by designers or not. Some baby things are just downright inappropriate or ridiculous. And other products just may traumatize the wee things. Then there are the baby products that would make some people wonder whether they should call Child Services on their parents. Of course, as long as the human race keeps reproducing, there will always be someone trying to cash in on it. So without further adieu, here is an assortment of products for babies that parents should probably stay away from.

1. Laugh and Learn Apptivity Case

I know future generations will need to learn to live with technology. But c'mon, do babies really need iPhones this badly?

I know future generations will need to learn to live with technology. But c’mon, do babies really need iPhones this badly? In fact, I’m sure nobody wants their babies learn cognitive skills by organizing their contacts folder.

2. The WhyCry Mini Cry Analyzer

Yes, I know  babies cry a lot. But I'm sure it doesn't take much for parents to know what their babies want without one, especially when it comes to diaper changes. Nevertheless, I suspect this is a scam or an annoying game of Simon for infants.

Yes, I know babies cry a lot. But I’m sure it doesn’t take much for parents to know what their babies want without one, especially when it comes to diaper changes. Nevertheless, I suspect this is a scam or an annoying game of Simon for infants.

3. Gotta Go Mitts

Now I know this is for little kids. But still, wouldn't it be better to teach them to clean their messes. Also, there are already products that keep kiddie hands clean. It's called soap. You may have heard of it.

Now I know this is for little kids. But still, wouldn’t it be better to teach them to clean their messes. Also, there are already products that keep kiddie hands clean. It’s called soap. You may have heard of it.

4. Heelarious Baby Heels

Oh, hell no! Seriously, now's not the time to give baby Maddie a lifetime of foot problems or see a podiatrist before her time, especially when she's barely learned to walk. Seriously, why does this product even exist?

Oh, hell no! Seriously, now’s not the time to give baby Maddie a lifetime of foot problems or see a podiatrist before her time, especially when she’s barely learned to walk. Seriously, why does this product even exist?

5. The Baby Lasso

Yes, it may be hard to keep babies still for a diaper change. But still, what the hell is this thing even used for? Is the baby a piece of cattle?

Yes, it may be hard to keep babies still for a diaper change. But still, what the hell is this thing even used for? Is the baby a piece of cattle?

6. Pee Pee Teepee

Now these are supposed to cover a baby boy's junk during a diaper change in order to avoid any accidents. Of course, some baby boys might think it takes all the fun out of it.

Now these are supposed to cover a baby boy’s junk during a diaper change in order to avoid any accidents. Of course, some baby boys might think it takes all the fun out of it. May only be useful about once or twice.

7. Poop Alarm

Now this device is designed to alert parents when the baby needs changing. However, there is a cheaper and more reliable device that already does this which doesn't attach to a baby's butt. It's called the nose.

Now this device is designed to alert parents when the baby needs changing. However, there is a cheaper and more reliable device that already does this which doesn’t attach to a baby’s butt. It’s called the nose.

8. The Baby Flower Shower Visor

It's said to help protect babies from getting soap and shampoo in their eyes. However, my question is how do you wash and rinse what's under the cap?

It’s said to help protect babies from getting soap and shampoo in their eyes. However, my question is how do you wash and rinse what’s under the cap? Also, the baby doesn’t seem happy in it.

9. Snail Vacuum Cleaner

The toy that combines the independence of riding free with the wind with the joys of housecleaning. I'm sure my mom would've wanted me to have one of these while I was a baby. Of course, I probably wouldn't use it since I hate the noise of vacuum cleaners.

The toy that combines the independence of riding free with the wind with the joys of housecleaning. I’m sure my mom would’ve wanted me to have one of these while I was a baby. Of course, I probably wouldn’t use it since I hate the noise of vacuum cleaners.

10. Baby Toupee

As to why anyone would want their babies to look like Donald Trump, I don't have the slightest idea. Seriously, I'm sure the hair is as fake as the ugly mop Donald Trump has on his own head. And let's just say, your baby is much less whiny and self-centered than he is.

As to why anyone would want their babies to look like Donald Trump, I don’t have the slightest idea. Seriously, I’m sure the hair is as fake as the ugly mop Donald Trump has on his own head. And let’s just say, your baby is much less whiny and self-centered than he is.

11. The Tummy Tub

It's basically a bucket that costs $45 that's supposed to replicate the feeling of being in the womb. Nevertheless, if that does the trick, you should just hold on to your $45 and use a regular bucket, which comes with a handle.

It’s basically a bucket that costs $45 that’s supposed to replicate the feeling of being in the womb. Nevertheless, if that does the trick, you should just hold on to your $45 and use a regular bucket, which comes with a handle.

12. The Grillz Pacifier

I'm sure Kanye West probably bought one of these for his daughter North. Nevertheless, I see a a lot of bad rap songs and crime in this child's future, not to be stereotypical.

I’m sure Kanye West probably bought one of these for his daughter North. Nevertheless, I see a a lot of bad rap songs and crime in this child’s future, not to be stereotypical.

13. Baby Bangs

Just wait and their hair will come soon enough. That's how it works. In the meantime, you don't need me to tell you that these Baby Bangs look so ridiculous. Seriously, why does this even exist?

Just wait and their hair will come soon enough. That’s how it works. In the meantime, you don’t need me to tell you that these Baby Bangs look so ridiculous. Seriously, why does this even exist?

14. Baby Knee Pads

Because crawling babies have a chance to bust their knees while they're on the mood and must need protection. This doesn't account for the fact that ever since the dawn of time, most babies had to crawl without them and did just fine.

Because crawling babies have a chance to bust their knees while they’re on the mood and must need protection. This doesn’t account for the fact that ever since the dawn of time, most babies had to crawl without them and did just fine.

15. Baby Onesie Dust/Mop

Because if your baby can crawl, it can clean. Yeah, I'm sure your baby will be thrilled about that. Just wait until it needs a diaper change.

Because if your baby can crawl, it can clean. Yeah, I’m sure your baby will be thrilled about that. Just wait until it needs a diaper change or slips on a hardwood floor and loses a tooth.

16. The Peekaru

For the Alien lover inside you. Sorry, but this seems like a choking hazard and a waste of money. Also, pretty creepy if you think about it.

For the Alien lover inside you. Sorry, but this seems like a choking hazard and a waste of money. Also, pretty creepy if you think about it.

17. J&D’s Bacon Flavored Baby Formula

Because it's never too early to hop aboard the obesity train where all the stops consist of fat camp, body shaming, Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and early death.

Because it’s never too early to hop aboard the obesity train where all the stops consist of fat camp, body shaming, Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and early death.

18. Crumb Cap

For those worried about a messy baby, then you shouldn't even have a baby. Also, doubles as a scuba suit.

For those worried about a messy baby, then you shouldn’t even have a baby. Also, doubles as a scuba suit.

19. The Windi

This is a baby but plug supposed to help its gastrointestinal problems. However, I just see it as a big waste of money.

This is a baby but plug supposed to help its gastrointestinal problems. However, I just see it as a big waste of money.

20. The Kickbee

This is a motion sensing belt that sends a tweet every time a kick is detected. Basically sets up your kid into being an annoying douche from inside the womb. Seriously, what does a fetus have to tweet about?

This is a motion sensing belt that sends a tweet every time a kick is detected. Basically sets up your kid into being an annoying douche from inside the womb. Seriously, what does a fetus have to tweet about?

21. The Thudguard

Sure babies have softer heads than the rest of us. But still, I'm sure most of us have transitioned from infancy and toddlerhood just fine without the need for a stupid helmet like this.  Seriously, kids get bumps and bruises all the time. The best we can do is make sure they're more careful.

Sure babies have softer heads than the rest of us. But still, I’m sure most of us have transitioned from infancy and toddlerhood just fine without the need for a stupid helmet like this. Seriously, kids get bumps and bruises all the time. The best we can do is make sure they’re more careful.

22. The Zaky Hand Pillow

Because nothing comforts your child more than a disembodied arm. Or in that case, gives parent's nightmares. Luckily, the baby below just sees it as a toy.

Because nothing comforts your child more than a disembodied arm. Or in that case, gives parent’s nightmares. Luckily, the baby below just sees it as a toy.

23. NoseFrida the Snotsucker

Now I know a lot of people have snot coming out of their noses which is gross enough. However, sucking your baby's snot with this thing is perhaps the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. Seriously, there's a better way to clean your baby's snot ridden face. It's called a tissue or Kleenex.

Now I know a lot of people have snot coming out of their noses which is gross enough. However, sucking your baby’s snot with this thing is perhaps the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. Seriously, there’s a better way to clean your baby’s snot ridden face. It’s called a tissue or Kleenex.

24. The Bottle Holder

Is it so much effort just to hold a bottle to your child? Or do you have to get a contraption inspired by those beer holders we see at an NFL game? Also doubles as a baby hang glider.

Is it so much effort just to hold a bottle to your child? Or do you have to get a contraption inspired by those beer holders we see at an NFL game? Also doubles as a baby paraglider.

25. The Crib Dribbler

Okay, this is just wrong. Seriously, cribs aren't cages and babies aren't pets. Also, while you're at it, why don't you just get a baby crib exercise wheel for your baby to run on? Fortunately, this isn't a real product, just a prank box for a baby shower. Well, as far as we know.

Okay, this is just wrong. Seriously, cribs aren’t cages and babies aren’t pets. Also, while you’re at it, why don’t you just get a baby crib exercise wheel for your baby to run on? Fortunately, this isn’t a real product, just a prank box for a baby shower. Well, as far as we know.

26. The iPotty

With all the crap on Twitter and Facebook these days, it's never too early to start trolling with this costing $499. Nevertheless, an iPad is probably not necessary for a potty training toddler. Still, does it come in adult size?

With all the crap on Twitter and Facebook these days, it’s never too early to start trolling with this costing $499. Nevertheless, an iPad is probably not necessary for a potty training toddler. Still, does it come in adult size?

27. Baby Butt Fan

This is a fan that dries your baby's butt. However, there's a much cheaper alternative to this that only takes 10 seconds.

This is a fan that dries your baby’s butt. However, there’s a much cheaper alternative to this that only takes 10 seconds.

28. Baby Keeper

Because when mommy and daddy have their hands full, baby needs to be strung up and put against the wall. Guaranteed to traumatize the little tykes that they'll need a diaper change every time they're out of it.

Because when mommy and daddy have their hands full, baby needs to be strung up and put against the wall. Guaranteed to traumatize the little tykes that they’ll need a diaper change every time they’re out of it.

29. Swimming Neck Ring

Otherwise known as,

Otherwise known as, “My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer.” Supposed to keep babies afloat. Seriously, this looks like it could suffocate them. I’m sure they have other baby floatation devices.

30. My Carry Potty

I hate to say this, but wouldn't just be easier for your potty trained kid to just use a public toilet? Would make much better sense than having them carry their crap around with them. Disgusting.

I hate to say this, but wouldn’t just be easier for your potty trained kid to just use a public toilet? Would make much better sense than having them carry their crap around with them. Disgusting.

31. Baby Bomb Shelter

For the crazy survivalist parent who believes that the apocalypse will soon be upon us. I'm sure this baby will totally use this thing. Not.

For the crazy survivalist parent who believes that the apocalypse will soon be upon us. I’m sure this baby will totally use this thing. Not.

32. The Po-Knee

This device brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millennium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated. Parents, make sure the individual giving out pony rides is always wearing pants.

This device brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millennium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated. Parents, make sure the individual giving out pony rides is always wearing pants.

33. The Baby Bubadoo

Basically this is a baby straitjacket for the changing table.Seriously, why don't you put on a baby Hannibal Lecter mask while you're at it?

Basically this is a baby straitjacket for the changing table.Seriously, why don’t you put on a baby Hannibal Lecter mask while you’re at it?

34. Baby Perfume

Sure babies tend to stink a lot since they pee and poo in their diapers. But this doesn't mean you should buy perfume for them. Seriously, they're too young for that.

Sure babies tend to stink a lot since they pee and poo in their diapers. But this doesn’t mean you should buy perfume for them. Seriously, they’re too young for that.

35. Baby Bikini

Because it's never too early to sexualize your little girl with swimwear. Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

Because it’s never too early to sexualize your little girl with swimwear. Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

36. Toe Blooms

Now these would be perfect for my cousin Ava's very first trip to Las Vegas. Of course, this is assuming her parents are incredibly irresponsible people. Seriously, Vegas is a terrible place for babies. You're better off taking them to Disney World.

Now these would be perfect for my cousin Ava’s very first trip to Las Vegas. Of course, this is assuming her parents are incredibly irresponsible people (which they’re not). Seriously, Vegas is a terrible place for babies. You’re better off taking them to Disney World.

37. Ashton Martin Stroller

For God's sake, $3,000 is way too much for a baby stroller. Seriously, what kind of parent in their right mind would buy this thing?

For God’s sake, $3,000 is way too much for a baby stroller. Seriously, what kind of parent in their right mind would buy this thing?

38. Baby Flip Flops

Sorry, but if your baby can't walk into a shower unsupervised, then it's probably not the time to buy baby flip flops. Seriously, how do these things exist?

Sorry, but if your baby can’t walk into a shower unsupervised, then it’s probably not the time to buy baby flip flops. Seriously, how do these things exist?

39. Clip-On Stroller Fan

Obviously designed by someone who's never been around babies or small children. I mean that just looks like an accident waiting to happen.

Obviously designed by someone who’s never been around babies or small children. I mean that just looks like an accident waiting to happen.

40. Baby Cleats

Listen, if your baby isn't walking, then it's too early to get them to play soccer. Seriously, who the hell thinks babies can play soccer for God's sake?

Listen, if your baby isn’t walking, then it’s too early to get them to play soccer. Seriously, who the hell thinks babies can play soccer for God’s sake?

41. iPhone Teether

For one, it's made from wood. Second, if you give your baby this, try telling your kid later that

For one, it’s made from wood. Second, if you give your baby this, try telling your kid later that “phones are not toys.” Yeah, they’ll listen (sarcasm).

42. My Pee Pee Bottle

If your toddler has grown out of diapers then they should be potty trained to use a toilet. He or she should only pee in a bottle if there's no bathroom in sight, like everyone else.

If your toddler has grown out of diapers then they should be potty trained to use a toilet. He or she should only pee in a bottle if there’s no place to pee in sight, like everyone else. Also, if it’s a girl, I especially recommend the toilet, for obvious reasons.

43. Toddler Urinal

I'm sure there's a better way to teach your son how to pee standing up than buying his own training urinal. It's called the toilet and he could even use it to pee sitting down, too. Also, what's wrong with teaching him how to pee sitting down first?

I’m sure there’s a better way to teach your son how to pee standing up than buying his own training urinal. It’s called the toilet and he could even use it to pee sitting down, too. Also, what’s wrong with teaching him how to pee sitting down first?

44. Juppy Baby Walking Aid

Sure babies must learn to walk sometime. But putting them in a harness 57 times a day just seems too much trouble than just having them hold your freaking hand.

Sure babies must learn to walk sometime. But putting them in a harness 57 times a day just seems too much trouble than just having them hold your freaking hand.

45. Paper High Chair

I'm sure this is supposed to be

I’m sure this is supposed to be “sustainable” but I’m just not buying it, especially since it seems disposable. Of course, there’s a better way to be sustainable with high chairs. Just buy one at a yard sale for God’s sake.

46. Walk Up Toddler Changing Table

If your toddler is old enough for this, then they're probably old enough to use a toilet. Seriously, why does this even exist? Better stick with a potty seat.

If your toddler is old enough for this, then they’re probably old enough to use a toilet. Seriously, why does this even exist? Better stick with a potty seat.

47. Riding Potty Chair

I don't think mixing bathroom time with playground time is a good idea. Seriously, I just hope this girl knows that you don't take a dump on the playground equipment nor do you ride on the toilet.

I don’t think mixing bathroom time with playground time is a good idea. Seriously, I just hope this girl knows that you don’t take a dump on the playground equipment nor do you ride on the toilet.

48. Penguin Urinal

Now if you thought the toddler urinal was crazy enough, this one tells little boys to pee into their,

Now if you thought the toddler urinal was crazy enough, this one tells little boys to pee into their, “penguin friend.” Also, it’s said you can place this thing anywhere, even the living room. Which begs the question, why?

49. Potty Mitts

Public bathrooms may be gross but still, I'm not sure you want your kids growing up to be the next Howard Hughes. Seriously, nobody wears mitts going to the bathroom, save maybe Alaska.

Public bathrooms may be gross but still, I’m not sure you want your kids growing up to be the next Howard Hughes. Seriously, nobody wears mitts going to the bathroom, save maybe Alaska.

50. Poop Scoop Bag

Now as someone who lives in the country, I think a poop scoop bag is ridiculous enough in its original use. But using one for babies? Seriously, we have diapers for a reason.

Now as someone who lives in the country, I think a poop scoop bag is ridiculous enough in its original use. But using one for babies? Seriously, we have diapers for a reason. Still, if you’re going to clean up from your kid like that, why don’t you just line the floor with newspapers or buy a pooper scooper?

51. Baby Dumbbell

Sure babies need their exercise. But some workout routines should be started later than others. Weightlifting probably falls among the later.

Sure babies need their exercise. But some workout routines should be started later than others. Weightlifting probably falls among the later.

52. Woombie

This is supposed to be a cocoon like sack to get a baby to sleep and it's stretchy enough for comfort and movement. However, it resembles something you'd see at the Ye Olde Insane Asylum.

This is supposed to be a cocoon like sack to get a baby to sleep and it’s stretchy enough for comfort and movement. However, it resembles something you’d see at the Ye Olde Insane Asylum.

53. Hula-Bye

Now this straps your baby onto a changing table so you won't have a hard time cleaning up. Of course, my grandfather used to strap me onto a changing table in my infancy and it didn't cost him $42. Still, this isn't a medieval torture device.

Now this straps your baby onto a changing table so you won’t have a hard time cleaning up. Of course, my grandfather used to strap me onto a changing table in my infancy and it didn’t cost him $42. Still, this isn’t a medieval torture device.

54. Baby Stimulation Shirt for Adults

Yes, now parents can wear this shirt to stimulate their baby's senses at the cost of the retail price and their dignity. Seriously,   I'm sure plenty of parents just bought educational toys instead.

Yes, now parents can wear this shirt to stimulate their baby’s senses at the cost of the retail price and their dignity. Seriously, I’m sure plenty of parents just bought educational toys instead.

55. The Ritmo Advanced Pregnancy Sound System

I'm sure fetuses need a lot of things, but I'm not sure blasting music through the womb is one of them. Seriously, singing is cheaper and won't cost $150.

I’m sure fetuses need a lot of things, but I’m not sure blasting music through the womb is one of them. Seriously, singing is cheaper and won’t cost $150.

56. Baby Tattoos

Of course, these aren't real. But still, I'm sure grandma won't be pleased assuming she's not in a biker gang. Seriously, babies are too young for tattoos.

Of course, these aren’t real. But still, I’m sure grandma won’t be pleased assuming she’s not in a biker gang. Seriously, babies are too young for tattoos.

57. Beeni Baby Hat

Combine this with the Baby Bubadoo, and you've gotten a little Hannibal Lecter on your hands. Seriously, this is disturbing, not cute.

Combine this with the Baby Bubadoo, and you’ve gotten a little Hannibal Lecter on your hands. Seriously, this is disturbing, not cute.

58. Thongies

Thong diapers? Why in the hell do these exist? Seriously, these aren't just inappropriate but they probably aren't as effective as regular diapers.

Thong diapers? Why in the hell do these exist? Seriously, these aren’t just inappropriate but they probably aren’t as effective as regular diapers.

59. The Bite Counter

Basically this is designed to count bites. But I think it's maximum embarrassment with minimum effort. From Japan, no less.

Basically this is designed to count bites. But I think it’s maximum embarrassment with minimum effort. From Japan, no less.

60. Baby Hjolster

Because in Texas, carrying a baby has to be like carrying a gun: from the hip. Seriously, why? It's stupid.

Because in Texas, carrying a baby has to be like carrying a gun: from the hip. Seriously, why? It’s stupid.

61. The Boob Hat

Inspired by the mother's breasts and the father's NFL beer hat, this is supposed to feed an active baby or toddler without disrupting their lifestyles. However, has the unfortunate side effect of making your little one look like a complete idiot.

Inspired by the mother’s breasts and the father’s NFL beer hat, this is supposed to feed an active baby or toddler without disrupting their lifestyles. However, has the unfortunate side effect of making your little one look like a complete idiot.

62. Colemom 1.5 Person Wearable Breastfeeding Tent

Good News: Will keep moms away from cops asking them to cover up while breastfeeding in public. Bad News: Force moms to sacrifice their dignity upon feeding baby.

Good News: Will keep moms away from cops asking them to cover up while breastfeeding in public.
Bad News: Force moms to sacrifice their dignity upon feeding baby.

63. Mr. Milker Breastfeeding Vest for Men

Now I may be for gender equality and gay marriage as much as anyone, but I believe God created men and women as anatomically different for a reason. Seriously, the concept behind this is just very wrong. Besides, the idea that breastfeeding is the only way you can bond with your baby is just plain sexist.

Now I may be for gender equality and gay marriage as much as anyone, but I believe God created men and women as anatomically different for a reason. Seriously, the concept behind this is just very wrong. Besides, the idea that breastfeeding is the only way you can bond with your baby is just plain sexist.

64. The Baby Cage

Hey, stupid baby products aren't just limited to the 21st century. When your grandparents were young, many of them were suspended over their family's apartment windows with these. It's a wonder how many of them managed to survive childhood without needing therapy.

Hey, stupid baby products aren’t just limited to the 21st century. When your grandparents were young, many of them were suspended over their family’s apartment windows with these. It’s a wonder how many of them managed to survive childhood without needing therapy.

65. Ice Skating Baby Holder

Another vintage baby product that makes the baby cage seem reasonable. Still, if mommy and daddy want to go ice skating, why can't they just leave baby with a sitter or grandparents? Seriously, think about the baby's safety here!

Another vintage baby product that makes the baby cage seem reasonable. Still, if mommy and daddy want to go ice skating, why can’t they just leave baby with a sitter or grandparents? Seriously, think about the baby’s safety here!

66. Bottle Sling

I don't know about you, but this seems like an all around formula disaster waiting to happen. Seriously, why does this even exist?

I don’t know about you, but this seems like an all around formula disaster waiting to happen. Seriously, why does this even exist?

67. Bathtub Divider

I'm sure plenty of parents bathed their babies just fine without one. Seriously, they have baby bathtubs available. Why can't parents just use that?

I’m sure plenty of parents bathed their babies just fine without one. Seriously, they have baby bathtubs available. Why can’t parents just use that?

68. Sun Smarties Swimwear

These suits are meant to protect babies and toddlers from sunburn. Still, sunscreen was invented like 100 years ago, so parents don't have to dress their little ones at the beach with "My Very First Haz Mat Suit." Yes, nothing says "fun in the sun" like a uranium leak that's going to give your future grandchildren 3 heads.

These suits are meant to protect babies and toddlers from sunburn. Still, sunscreen was invented like 100 years ago, so parents don’t have to dress their little ones at the beach with “My Very First Haz Mat Suit.” Yes, nothing says “fun in the sun” like a uranium leak that’s going to give your future grandchildren 3 heads.

69. Safety Trampoline

A kind of trampoline for your child minus the terrible injuries or fun. Seriously, if you kid thinks holding a bar while jumping repeatedly is fun, you might need to reconsider their sugar intake.

A kind of trampoline for your child minus the terrible injuries or fun. Seriously, if you kid thinks holding a bar while jumping repeatedly in place is fun, you might need to reconsider their sugar intake.

70. Time Out Pad

Now this is supposed to turn a common parental punishment into a fun game with sound effects and lights. Seriously, small children have no concept of time and time out isn't supposed to be fun.

Now this is supposed to turn a common parental punishment into a fun game with sound effects and lights. Seriously, small children have no concept of time and time out isn’t supposed to be fun.

71. Lil’ Chompers

Just because babies are born without teeth, doesn't mean you should buy dentures for them. The teeth will come before you know it, like in seven months. These just make your baby look freaky.

Just because babies are born without teeth, doesn’t mean you should buy dentures for them. The teeth will come before you know it, like in seven months. These just make your baby look freaky.

72. Nurse Me Tender

Just because you can't breastfeed, doesn't mean you should use this to feed your baby. Why else do we have baby formula or bottles? Seriously, why does this exist?

Just because you can’t breastfeed, doesn’t mean you should use this to feed your baby. Why else do we have baby formula or bottles? Seriously, why does this exist?

73. Toddler Tracker

Because toddlers tend to wander off, here's a surveillance device in order to know where they are. Let's hope it can't be detached by kidnappers. Still, if you feel that your kid needs a tracker, what does it say about your parenting skills?

Because toddlers tend to wander off, here’s a surveillance device in order to know where they are. Let’s hope it can’t be detached by kidnappers. Still, if you feel that your kid needs a tracker, what does it say about your parenting skills?

74. Wipe Warmer

I know these are supposed to keep wipes warm. However, a non-warm wipe will do just fine. So why waste your hard earned cash on this stupid thing?

I know these are supposed to keep wipes warm. However, a non-warm wipe will do just fine. So why waste your hard earned cash on this stupid thing?

75. Bling Binky

A diamond studded pacifier? For the love of God! Seriously, you can get a pacifier cheap at any store. So there's no reason why parents should spend hundreds of dollars on a stupid binky.

A diamond studded pacifier? For the love of God! Seriously, you can get a pacifier cheap at any store. So there’s no reason why parents should spend hundreds of dollars on a stupid binky.

76. Baby-Q Ribs

Just because your baby is teething doesn't mean it's time to teach them how to eat some baby back ribs. Seriously, BBQ ribs are for grown-ups.

Just because your baby is teething doesn’t mean it’s time to teach them how to eat some baby back ribs. Seriously, BBQ ribs are for grown-ups.

77. The Nuroo Pocket Babywearing Shirt

This is supposed to make mothers look good as they have a baby down her shirt. However, to me, this just looks freaky.

This is supposed to make mothers look good as they have a baby down her shirt. However, to me, this just looks freaky.

78. Pacifier Wipes

You can easily wash pacifiers in the dishwasher or with soap and water. Like my parents did. So why to these even exist I'll never know.

You can easily wash pacifiers in the dishwasher or with soap and water. Like my parents did. So why to these even exist I’ll never know.

79. Baby Whirpool Spa

I'm sure this is as expensive as hell and totally unnecessary. Seriously, your baby can go without jetted water or a spa tub for that matter.

I’m sure this is as expensive as hell and totally unnecessary. Seriously, your baby can go without jetted water or a spa tub for that matter.

80. Formula Mixer

I'm sure there's a cheaper gizmo that will mix baby formula just as well. You may have heard of it. It's called a spoon.

I’m sure there’s a cheaper gizmo that will mix baby formula just as well. You may have heard of it. It’s called a spoon.

Father’s Day Gifts Your Dad Doesn’t Want

Me with my father and sister at my sister's high school graduation in 2011.

Me with my dad and sister at my sister’s high school graduation in June of 2011.

I know Father’s Day won’t be around for another month or two but it doesn’t hurt to plan early, assuming he’s still alive and you’re on good terms with him. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to think about buying something for the father of your kids, too, assuming that you know who he is and whether he’s a man deserving of such honor. Still, fathers aren’t as prized as mothers since they their biological contributions to their children doesn’t take as much time and investment as mothers, typically don’t take much investment in raising the kid, usually stop living with their children in divorce cases, tend to commit more crimes against their families as far as official records show, and in some cases aren’t called jerks if they tend to neglect their family for their career ambitions. Furthermore, the idea of American masculinity doesn’t seem to jive well with parenting at times, especially when it comes to being more nurturing. Not to mention, fathers can be portrayed as hopeless with housework or complete idiots. Nevertheless, the kind working fathers who stay with their families should receive paid paternity leave because even though they’re not popping out babies, they certainly could use a break for everything they do. And sure, while fathers are typically seen as providers and protectors, they also need to be seen as nurturers willing to do whatever it takes to make sure their kids become well-adjusted human beings. And other than moms, dads tend to have a big influence on their children’s lives whether they like it or not. Of course, like Mother’s Day it’s also seething with commercialism but not to the same degree, save maybe with the funny card department as well as with certain stores and departments that cater toward men. Now I can go on and on about great gifts you should bestow on your dear old dad. But since it will be boring, I’ll focus on stuff that will make your pops clutch at his heart upon revelation that you’ll have to call 911 to send him to a hospital. Now I’m not talking about “World’s Greatest Dad” mugs and what not. I’m talking about stuff that’s more unusual. So without further adieu, I give you an assortment of gifts that certainly not please your old man. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

1. Handyman Tool Belt Lounge Pants

Basically this is for the dad who would like to see himself as a handyman but is too busy being a couch potato. Also, the tools are fake and these are sweatpants.

Basically this is for the dad who would like to see himself as a handyman but is too busy being a couch potato. Also, the tools are fake and these are sweatpants. Best for watching reruns of This Old House.

2. Toilet Mug

Just because your dad enjoys toilet jokes doesn't mean he wants to drink his coffee from one in the morning. Seriously, he'd totally wouldn't want to be seen with this.

Just because your dad enjoys toilet jokes doesn’t mean he wants to drink his coffee from one in the morning. Seriously, he’d totally wouldn’t want to be seen with this.

3. BBQ Big Boy

Even if your dad is Steven Raichlen of BBQ U and Primal Grill, this would make a very terrible Father's Day gift. Unless, of course, he's a grilling enthusiast currently in a fraternity. But even then, such a Father's Day gift would be awkward but for different reasons.

Even if your dad is Steven Raichlen of BBQ U and Primal Grill (as well as possibly the manliest cook on public television), this would make a very terrible Father’s Day gift. Unless, of course, he’s a grilling enthusiast currently in a fraternity. But even then, such a Father’s Day gift would be awkward but for different reasons.

4. 52 Things Kids Need from a Dad by Jay Payleitner

From Cosmo: "Add some real bite by tabbing individual pages that illustrate his fatherly shortcomings and make sure to annotate with specific examples from your childhood." Still, you're much better off giving him a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and rubbing it in your face that he'll measure up to Atticus Finch.

From Cosmo: “Add some real bite by tabbing individual pages that illustrate his fatherly shortcomings and make sure to annotate with specific examples from your childhood.” Still, you’re much better off giving him a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and rubbing it in your face that he’ll measure up to Atticus Finch.

5. Bill Cosby Sweater

For those who know what's been going on with Bill Cosby lately, you can see why this is no longer a great gift idea. Seriously, in this day in age what was once seen as, "loveable dad" could immediately transform into, "serial rapist" very quickly.

For those who know what’s been going on with Bill Cosby lately, you can see why this is no longer a great gift idea. Seriously, in this day in age what was once seen as, “loveable dad” could immediately transform into, “serial rapist” very quickly.

6. Emergency Underwear Dispenser

Now your dad has an embarrassing place to put his equally embarrassing tidy whiteys. Also, if he gets upset, you can tell him the diaper dispenser was on back order.

Now your dad has an embarrassing place to put his equally embarrassing tidy whiteys. Also, if he gets upset, you can tell him the diaper dispenser was on back order.

7. Wiener Roasters

For the dad who loves to grill and possesses no sense of taste. Seriously, I'm not sure if my dad would want to be caught dead roasting hotdogs from these.

For the dad who loves to grill and possesses no sense of taste. Seriously, I’m not sure if my dad would want to be caught dead roasting hotdogs from these.

8. Eagle Claw Portable Potty

From Farm and Fleet: "Carrying a “potty” in your pocket is not a good idea no matter how clever they think it might be!" Yes, this is basically "Go Girl" for men.

From Farm and Fleet: “Carrying a “potty” in your pocket is not a good idea no matter how clever they think it might be!” Yes, this is basically “Go Girl” for men.

9. Waxvac Ear Cleaner

There are more polite ways of telling your father that he's losing his hearing. And I'm sure hearing loss isn't always caused by wax buildup.

There are more polite ways of telling your father that he’s losing his hearing. And I’m sure hearing loss isn’t always caused by wax buildup.

10. RELIANCE Luggable Loo Portable Camping Toilet

From Farm and Fleet: "Could you imagine dad lugging this into a movie theater on family movie night? It doesn’t matter if the movie theater adds claim “So comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re watching a movie in the comfort of your own home”."  Of course, he could just as well use the facilities already available at any venue anyway, campground or not.

From Farm and Fleet: “Could you imagine dad lugging this into a movie theater on family movie night? It doesn’t matter if the movie theater adds claim “So comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re watching a movie in the comfort of your own home”.” Of course, he could just as well use the facilities already available at any venue anyway, campground or not.

11. Borat Mankini

If it looked bad on Borat, it will certainly look terrible on your dad. To quote my dad,  just say, "no way in hell," on this one.

If it looked bad on Borat, it will certainly look terrible on your dad. To quote my dad, just say, “no way in hell,” on this one.

12. The Slim & Lift Undershirt for Men

Otherwise known as "Spanx for Dudes."  Basically, this says, "take this gift to hide your fat" to your beer bellied old man even if he's about 6 feet tall and weighs 180 pounds.

Otherwise known as “Spanx for Dudes.” Basically, this says, “take this gift to hide your fat” to your beer bellied old man even if he’s about 6 feet tall and weighs 180 pounds. Yeah, I’m sure your dad wouldn’t appreciate this.

13. Bedbug Sleeping Cocoon

Dad infested with bedbugs? Does he lay down with dogs and ends up with fleas? For $79, your dad will be safe from re-infesting himself even if he's an ireedemable slob who slums in bug infested beds.

Dad infested with bedbugs? Does he lay down with dogs and ends up with fleas? For $79, your dad will be safe from re-infesting himself even if he’s an irredeemable slob who slums in bug infested beds.

14. Beer Belly

Before getting this ask yourself these questions: 1. Does Dad have drinking problem?, 2. Is Dad very self-conscious about his waistline?, and 3. Will people find it awkward that Dad sips from a straw out of his shirt? Then again, this is probably a pretty bad idea.

Before getting this ask yourself these questions: 1. Does Dad have drinking problem?, 2. Is Dad very self-conscious about his waistline?, and 3. Will people find it awkward that Dad sips from a straw out of his shirt? Then again, this is probably a pretty bad idea.

15. Beer Belt

For dads who love beer and hate getting a refill. Can hold cans or bottles. Nevertheless, should you really be encouraging your dad to drink a circumference of beer? Certainly not.

For dads who love beer and hate getting a refill. Can hold cans or bottles. Nevertheless, should you really be encouraging your dad to drink a circumference of beer? Certainly not, especially if he might have a drinking problem.

16. Cruzin Cooler

Does your dad hate walking but love cold beverages like beer? If so,  with this your dad can enjoy a beer while cruising along at up to 10 miles on electric models. Of course, this will also lead your dad embarrassing you at sporting events as well as hunting and fishing trips. However, my dad would rather have a cooler he can load up in a trunk with groceries. I'm sure he wouldn't get much use from this.

Does your dad hate walking but love cold beverages like beer? If so, with this your dad can enjoy a beer while cruising along at up to 10 miles on electric models. Of course, this will also lead your dad embarrassing you at sporting events as well as hunting and fishing trips. However, my dad would rather have a cooler he can load up in a trunk with groceries. I’m sure he wouldn’t get much use from this since I’m positive Aldi’s wouldn’t let him in with one.

17. Beer Soap

Now these come in scents like Stout, Black Ale, Porter, and Wild Lager. Nevertheless, would you want your dad emerge from the shower smelling like he's just come out of a bar? Think about it.

Now these come in scents like Stout, Black Ale, Porter, and Wild Lager. Nevertheless, would you want your dad emerge from the shower smelling like he’s just come out of a bar? Think about it.

18. Chest Hair Toupee

And I thought regular head toupees are stupid. If your dad sports a hairless chest, why don't you just encourage him to embrace it? Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

And I thought regular head toupees are stupid. If your dad sports a hairless chest, why don’t you just encourage him to embrace it? Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

19. Denim Underwear

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "Maybe instead of the “Sex for Dummies” book you can spice up your love life with a pair of these…and why not? Men buy women lingerie all the time!  Or maybe the father of your children likes to go commando in jeans. OR maybe you can’t afford a vasectomy and you’re tired of the man fathering children with you. These denim wonders are sperm killers fo’ sho!" Yeah, I'm sure those underpants would be a hit if he wore them to a gay bar, not that there's anything wrong with that. Then again, I'm sure nobody would even want their gay dad in these.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Maybe instead of the “Sex for Dummies” book you can spice up your love life with a pair of these…and why not? Men buy women lingerie all the time! Or maybe the father of your children likes to go commando in jeans. OR maybe you can’t afford a vasectomy and you’re tired of the man fathering children with you. These denim wonders are sperm killers fo’ sho!” Yeah, I’m sure those underpants would be a hit if he wore them to a gay bar, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then again, I’m sure nobody would even want their gay dad in these.

20. TEMPTOOTH Do-It-Yourself Tooth Replacement

Just because there's a DIY tooth replacement kit out there, doesn't mean it's a great gift for Father's Day. In fact, any kit of DIY dentistry is a really bad idea. Still, Stu from The Hangover could've used one of these.

Just because there’s a DIY tooth replacement kit out there, doesn’t mean it’s a great gift for Father’s Day. In fact, any kit of DIY dentistry is a really bad idea. Still, Stu from The Hangover could’ve used one of these.

21. Swashbuckling BBQ Sword

Let's face it, nobody wants to see a fencing match with BBQ implements. Seriously, sword + BBQ = potential for disaster.

Let’s face it, nobody wants to see a fencing match with BBQ implements. Seriously, sword + BBQ = potential for disaster.

22. Inflatable Unicorn Horn

To be fair, if it was stupid enough to get one for your cat, just imagine how stupid your dad will look in one of these. Still, sure to make him a hit at the retirement home.

To be fair, if it was stupid enough to get one for your cat, just imagine how stupid your dad will look in one of these. Still, sure to make him a hit at the retirement home.

23. The Daddle

For the dad who can give horsey rides and not give a shit about his dignity. Not appropriate for toddlers trained in the English Father Riding Method. So don't use it for father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo, or daddy dressage.

For the dad who can give horsey rides and not give a shit about his dignity. Not appropriate for toddlers trained in the English Father Riding Method. So don’t use it for father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo, or daddy dressage.

24. Handerpants – Underpants for Your Hands

Because skidmarks aren't just from your ass anymore. Still, underwear for your hands? I'm sure these are of the tidy whitey variety. As if tidy whiteys aren't embarrassing enough for men to wear under their pants already.

Because skidmarks aren’t just from your ass anymore. Still, underwear for your hands? I’m sure these are of the tidy whitey variety. As if tidy whiteys aren’t embarrassing enough for men to wear under their pants already.

25. Flair Hair Visors, Bandanas, and accessories

Of course, these come in a variety of different styles such as the Guy Fieri, the 1980s Lynyrd Skynyrd fan, the Biker, the Bedhead, and the Guy from Trailer Park. There are alot on their website, including one with dreadlocks (which I'm not kidding about by the way). Still, he's probably better off without one.

Of course, these come in a variety of different styles such as the Guy Fieri, the 1980s Lynyrd Skynyrd fan, the Biker, the Bedhead, and the Guy from Trailer Park. There are alot on their website, including one with dreadlocks (which I’m not kidding about by the way). Still, he’s probably better off without one.

26. Glam Rock Men’s Underwear

From France with just $59-$90, your dad can channel his old favorite glam rock musician by wearing what you might've found in David Bowie's underwear drawer during his 1970s Ziggy Stardust phase. Yeah, I'm sure these will make any guy seem like a pinnacle of manliness (sarcasm).

From France with just $59-$90, your dad can channel his old favorite glam rock musician by wearing what you might’ve found in David Bowie’s underwear drawer during his 1970s Ziggy Stardust phase. Yeah, I’m sure these will make any guy seem like a pinnacle of manliness (sarcasm).

27. Grill Sergeant Apron

This apron comes with room for all the grilling essentials such as grill tools, condiments, and beer cans. Because when your dad goes to grill, he needs to be prepared for anything.  I'm sure this would make Steven Raichlen jealous.

This apron comes with room for all the grilling essentials such as grill tools, condiments, and beer cans. Because when your dad goes to grill, he needs to be prepared for anything. I’m sure this would make Steven Raichlen jealous.

28. Head Spa

Unless your dad likes head massages and looking somewhat of a human cyborg, you should probably not get him this. Seriously, this partial Robocop helmet would make him look utterly ridiculous.

Unless your dad likes head massages and looking somewhat of a human cyborg, you should probably not get him this. Seriously, this partial Robocop helmet would make him look utterly ridiculous.

29. Head and Eye Massager

With a $200 contribution to Skymall, you can help dad relax, unwind, and look like he's ready to fight an intergalactic battle with this contraption! Of course, he'll probably be disappointed that this isn't a virtual reality headset and controller.

With a $200 contribution to Skymall, you can help dad relax, unwind, and look like he’s ready to fight an intergalactic battle with this contraption! Of course, he’ll probably be disappointed that this isn’t a virtual reality headset and controller, especially if he’s Bill Gates.

30. Knight Sweatshirt

With just $225, this will make your dad as comfortable as he is brave as well as part of the King's Guard. Will also make him look like an idiot at home as well as at your local Renaissance  Fair or Game of Thrones convention.

With just $225, this will make your dad as comfortable as he is brave as well as part of the King’s Guard. Will also make him look like an idiot at home as well as at your local Renaissance Fair or Game of Thrones convention.

31. Japanese Foam Women’s Legs Pillow

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "Does the man in your life have separation anxiety? Whenever you’re away from him does he have trouble sleeping?  If you can’t be there to put him to bed each night, I’ve found the next best thing!" Yeah, but if he's your dad, you might want to think twice about buying this.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Does the man in your life have separation anxiety? Whenever you’re away from him does he have trouble sleeping? If you can’t be there to put him to bed each night, I’ve found the next best thing!” Yeah, but if he’s your dad, you might want to think twice about buying this.

32. Kiss Hankie

Now this is the kind of gift that might end your parents' marriage on Father's Day, assuming that your dad isn't "hiking the Appalachian Trail" that weekend (I'm talking to you former governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina who spent Father's Day with a mistress in Argentina and didn't tell anyone).

Now this is the kind of gift that might end your parents’ marriage on Father’s Day, assuming that your dad isn’t “hiking the Appalachian Trail” that weekend (I’m talking to you former governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina who spent Father’s Day with a mistress in Argentina and didn’t tell anyone).

33. Kleen Stride Shoes Personal Debris Removal System

Because if he can walk, he can clean. Comes with attachable rake and plow, which are sold separately.

Because if he can walk, he can clean. Comes with attachable rake and plow, which are sold separately.

34. Shittens

Want your dad to be as sanitary as possible? Then these Shittens will bring the joy of hand cleaning his ass without all the crappy contamination.  Great for changing diapers.

Want your dad to be as sanitary as possible? Then these Shittens will bring the joy of hand cleaning his ass without all the crappy contamination. Great for changing diapers.

35. The Man Can

This include everything a man needs to go soft like Fisherman’s Hand Butter, Fisherman’s Scrub Soap, Spicy Shave Gel, Bay Rum After Shower Oil, and a body mitt. I mean a bath set is what you give your mom when you don't know what else to buy her, so why not get one for your dad? Yeah, I'm sure he'll really take to that (sarcasm).

This include everything a man needs to go soft like Fisherman’s Hand Butter, Fisherman’s Scrub Soap, Spicy Shave Gel, Bay Rum After Shower Oil, and a body mitt. I mean a bath set is what you give your mom when you don’t know what else to buy her, so why not get one for your dad? Yeah, I’m sure he’ll really take to that (sarcasm).

36. Meggings

Leggings tend to walk a fine line between tights and pants, so why should women be the ones pushing boundaries of appropriate apparel? Great for hipster dads or any father who doesn't give a flying fashion statement. Still, gives him the opportunity to channel male icons like David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, George Michael, and Elton John.

Leggings tend to walk a fine line between tights and pants, so why should women be the ones pushing boundaries of appropriate apparel? Great for hipster dads or any father who doesn’t give a flying fashion statement. Still, gives him the opportunity to channel male icons like David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, George Michael, Mick Jagger, Michael Jackson, and Elton John.

37. Play Mat Tee Shirt for Men

For $22, this shirt gives dad a back rub as well as fosters a bond between him and his children. Hope the kiddies aren't playing with Legos, though.

For $22, this shirt gives dad a back rub as well as fosters a bond between him and his children. Hope the kiddies aren’t playing with Legos, though.

38. Shakoolie

Showering can really get in the way of enjoying a cold beer. But with this shower beer holder, it doesn't have to be that way anymore. Of course, let's hope that soapy water doesn't get in the beer though.

Showering can really get in the way of enjoying a cold beer. But with this shower beer holder, it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Of course, let’s hope that soapy water doesn’t get in the beer though.

39. Reef Men’s Fanning Sandal

These sandals have a hidden bottle opener in the middle of the sole. So if you want to see your dad open a bottle with his shoe, you shouldn't get this. Seriously, that's gross.

These sandals have a hidden bottle opener in the middle of the sole. So if you want to see your dad open a bottle with his shoe, you shouldn’t get this. Seriously, that’s gross.

40. Shouting Vase

For $66, you ill tempered dad can take out all his anger and frustrations while unintentionally entertaining your friends. Let's hope they have these in toddler size.

For $66, you ill tempered dad can take out all his anger and frustrations while unintentionally entertaining your friends. Let’s hope they have these in toddler size.

41. World’s Greatest Dad Darth Vader T-Shirt

So this means that being a great dad basically means locking up your daughter for termination, blowing up her planet, freezing her boyfriend in carbonite for Jabba the Hutt via Boba Fett, cutting off your son’s hand, and asking him to join the family business or face death?  I’m sorry, but if you think that Darth Vader is the World’s Greatest dad, your attitude toward parenting must squarely fall on the Dark Side.

42. A trip to Paradise Valley.

Now I’m sure that the guys at Paradise Valley said, “Dad” in the context of “father of your children” such as wives wanting to give their husbands something while somebody watching the kiddies. However, this ad really has a real creepy incest subtext that might remind you of either Greek tragedies or Game of Thrones. A perfect Father’s Day gift for Noah Cross.

43. A 3-Wheeled Riding Mower

Now this is the kind of gift that will basically telling Dad that the grass needs cut and he should really lose a few. Let's just say, my dad is more likely to stick to his Cub Cadet.

Now this is the kind of gift that will basically telling Dad that the grass needs cut and he should really lose a few. Let’s just say, my dad is more likely to stick to his Cub Cadet.

44. Man Candles

These are scented candles for men that come in aromas like bacon,pizza, popcorn, sawdust, and farts. Still, even if my dad likes those smells, he’d hate this gift simple because he hates candles in general. They give him migraines.

45. Gold Man Home Urinal

From Huffington Post: "This product is supposed to prevent messy toilet seats, but you still have to wash it (which it recommends you do using the shower). Wouldn't it be easier to just clean the regular toilet, or even pee in the shower? Yes. Yes it would."

From Huffington Post: “This product is supposed to prevent messy toilet seats, but you still have to wash it (which it recommends you do using the shower). Wouldn’t it be easier to just clean the regular toilet, or even pee in the shower? Yes. Yes it would.”

46. Potty Putter Golf Green

So this basically lets your dad practicing his hole in one while he's doing a no. 2. Now walking in on your dad in the bathroom has just become a whole lot more awkward.

So this basically lets your dad practicing his hole in one while he’s doing a no. 2. Now walking in on your dad in the bathroom has just become a whole lot more awkward.

47. Mantyhose

If you thought Meggings were silly enough, you have Mantyhose, which are pantyhose for men. Of course, before these, Lord knows what kind of stockings transvestites used.

If you thought Meggings were silly enough, you have Mantyhose, which are pantyhose for men. Of course, before these, Lord knows what kind of stockings transvestites used.

48. UroClub – Golf Club Urination Device

From Huffington Post: "We get that there are no bathrooms on a golf course, so relieving yourself can be a little complicated. But this? It's a urine receptacle shaped like a golf club, complete with a "privacy shield" towel that's really an unconvincing loin cloth. All of a sudden peeing behind a bush seems so much more sophisticated."

From Huffington Post: “We get that there are no bathrooms on a golf course, so relieving yourself can be a little complicated. But this? It’s a urine receptacle shaped like a golf club, complete with a “privacy shield” towel that’s really an unconvincing loin cloth. All of a sudden peeing behind a bush seems so much more sophisticated.”

49. Men’s Underwear Repair Kit

With this your dad won't have to worry about wearing out his underwear again. You know what's cheaper way to handle worn out underwear? Buying him a new pack of underwear.

With this your dad won’t have to worry about wearing out his underwear again. You know what’s cheaper way to handle worn out underwear? Buying him a new pack of underwear.

50. Spray – On Hair

Dad worried about his growing bald spot? This spray on hair will do the trick. Spray it on and no one will know (yeah right). Nevertheless, this guy isn't fooling anybody.

Dad worried about his growing bald spot? This spray on hair will do the trick. Spray it on and no one will know (yeah right). Nevertheless, this guy isn’t fooling anybody.

51. Men’s Brassiere

You know you've heard of this as either a "bro" or a "mansiere" from Seinfeld. Well, thanks to the Japanese, you can totally get one for your dad. But that doesn't necessarily mean you should. Yeah, I'm not sure what the Japanese are on to come up with such products. Also, comes in pink.

You know you’ve heard of this as either a “bro” or a “mansiere” from Seinfeld. Well, thanks to the Japanese, you can totally get one for your dad. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you should. Yeah, I’m not sure what the Japanese are on to come up with such products. Also, comes in pink.

52. Que Eau de Barbecue

Just because you love your dad and baby back ribs, doesn't mean you should buy him barbecue scented cologne. I mean why would you want cologne that smells like you've just came from the grill? Seriously, who comes up with this shit?

Just because you love your dad and baby back ribs, doesn’t mean you should buy him barbecue scented cologne. I mean why would you want cologne that smells like you’ve just came from the grill? Seriously, who comes up with this shit?

53. Finger Nose Hair Trimmer

Now nose hair trimmers make horrible gifts for Father's Day. But this one's shaped like a finger which makes it even more disgusting. Yeah, I'm sure your dad will certainly appreciate this (not).

Now nose hair trimmers make horrible gifts for Father’s Day. But this one’s shaped like a finger which makes it even more disgusting. Yeah, I’m sure your dad will certainly appreciate this (not).

54. Laser Portrait Paperweight

Sure this might seem like a good idea at the time. But blasting a creepy laser portrait of yourself into a glass paperweight just adds insult to injury.

Sure this might seem like a good idea at the time. But blasting a creepy laser portrait of yourself into a glass paperweight just adds insult to injury.

55. Breathalyzer Keychain

I'm sure giving your dad a breathalyzer keychain is a very subtle way to tell him that he has a drinking problem. Perhaps if your considering giving your dad this, it's probably time for an intervention.

I’m sure giving your dad a breathalyzer keychain is a very subtle way to tell him that he has a drinking problem. Perhaps if your considering giving your dad this, it’s probably time for an intervention.

56. IGrow Laser Helmet

This is supposed to be a helmet that increases hair growth by shooting laser beams through the scalp and costs $695. Not sure if it works, but it will surely make your dad look ridiculous when he's wearing it. Yeah, $695 is totally not worth it.

This is supposed to be a helmet that increases hair growth by shooting laser beams through the scalp and costs $695. Not sure if it works, but it will surely make your dad look ridiculous when he’s wearing it. Yeah, $695 is totally not worth it.

57. Leggy End Table

Good: Would make a fine addition for the Christmas Story Leg Lamp you bought him for Christmas. Bad: Makes a very inappropriate living room decoration.

Good: Would make a fine addition for the Christmas Story Leg Lamp you bought him for Christmas.
Bad: Makes a very inappropriate living room decoration.

58. Tattoupees

Snazz up your dad's chrome dome with an assortment of head tattoos. That will help him embrace his baldness.

Snazz up your dad’s chrome dome with an assortment of head tattoos. That will help him embrace his baldness.

59. Upright Sleeper

Dad always nodding off? Always waking up finding himself on a stranger's shoulder or face down on the floor? Well, this Upright Sleeper is totally not the awkward way to sleep on the go (sarcasm).

Dad always nodding off? Always waking up finding himself on a stranger’s shoulder or face down on the floor? Well, this Upright Sleeper is totally not the awkward way to sleep on the go (sarcasm).

60. Wearable Sleeping Bag

Want your dad to lay down whenever possible?  Well, this will make him sleep like a baby, no matter where he is. Of course, it'll also make him look utterly ridiculous in public. Yeah, you might have some explaining to do.

Want your dad to lay down whenever possible? Well, this will make him sleep like a baby, no matter where he is. Of course, it’ll also make him look utterly ridiculous in public. Yeah, you might have some explaining to do.

Help Not Wanted: Job Listings You Might Not Want to Apply

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As a chronically unemployed blogger, I tend to see myself doomed to a lifetime of seeking and applying for jobs that I really wouldn’t have if it weren’t for the money. Of course, I’ve just set up a better domain name and applied for advertising I’ll see how that goes (even though I still had to pay for the domain and mapping). But even when I’m good to go, I may not be completely liberated from having to search for a job (unless I try getting my book published again). But I have managed to improve traffic in recent months. Let’s just say when it comes to the job market, having is better than wanting. Now most of the jobs I’ve had were sporadic with an expiration date and don’t last long. But at least it’s something. However, most of the entry-level office jobs I actually want come with much more stipulations such as work experience which really pisses me off. Seriously, I have skills and experience but it’s just that I don’t get paid for it at least currently. Nevertheless, there are plenty of want ads out there that seem like they’re written by businesses and people who really don’t have any clue. Whether they be newspaper classifieds, help wanted signs, or online Craigslist ads. I once found a writing want ad with so many typos and grammar mistakes that it was ridiculous. So without further adieu, here are some job listings that I advise even the most desperate job seekers to avoid. Some of these may not be safe for work but must be posted anyway since they’re just too crazy to ignore.

1. Litterbox Cleaner: Must work for pancakes.

Cleaning litter boxes for a nominal fee like $7.25 an hour would seem reasonable. Cleaning litter boxes for pancakes is just plain crazy. Seriously, working for pancakes?

Cleaning litter boxes for a nominal fee like $7.25 an hour would seem reasonable. Cleaning litter boxes for pancakes is just plain crazy. Seriously, working for pancakes? I’m not that desperate.

2. Now hiring someone to dress up as a velociraptor.

If this job was advertised in the Pittsburgh area instead of Vancouver, I'd gladly apply. However, I don't really have much experience wearing costumes but I'll happily go for training. Seriously, $15/hr is a good deal.

If this job was advertised in the Pittsburgh area instead of Vancouver, I’d gladly apply. However, I don’t really have much experience wearing costumes but I’ll happily go for training. Seriously, $15/hr is a good deal.

3. Wanted: Female model for future iconic photo shoot. Don’t expect compensation other than a bag lunch and SPF 30.

Okay, this ad was probably written by some amateur male photographer (or student) who thinks too highly of himself. Seriously, the ad is simply hysterical to read that I'd just want to see the result.

Okay, this ad was probably written by some amateur male photographer (or student) who thinks too highly of himself. Seriously, the ad is simply hysterical to read that I’d just want to see the result.

4. Wanted: Hole digger for a guy who’s planning a homicide while his wife’s out of town.

Reading this ad, it's obvious this guy is secretly planning to kill somebody on the first week of October. From grave dimensions to the insistence that it must be dug under the cover of night. Seriously, if you an ad like this, answering it will get you charged with aiding and abetting.

Reading this ad, it’s obvious this guy is secretly planning to kill somebody on the first week of October. From grave dimensions to the insistence that it must be dug under the cover of night. Seriously, if you an ad like this, answering it will get you charged with aiding and abetting.

5. Wanted: Babysitter but for druggie couple. Unlikeable losers with no self-esteem and social skills preferred.

Okay, maybe spending Saturday night with some whiny little kids isn't such a bad gig after all. Seriously, this couple is looking for an enabler who won't expect much in return. What they really need is an intervention.

Okay, maybe spending Saturday night with some whiny little kids isn’t such a bad gig after all. At least they’re cute, fun to play with, and innocent enough not to know better. Seriously, this couple is looking for an enabler who won’t expect much in return. What they really need is an intervention.

6. Hiring girl for $50 to determine which is the bigger dick.

Now a job posting for penis sizing. That's a new one. Still, while it may lead a girl to look at other guys' dicks, at least it won't get them charged with a crime.

Now a job posting for penis sizing. That’s a new one. Still, while it may lead a girl to look at other guys’ dicks, at least it won’t get her charged with a crime.

7. Wanted: Part time personal assistant for naturist couple.

You know your job interview is going to be awkward when the people responsible want ad have to explain their reasons for adopting a questionable lifestyle such as nudism.

You know your job interview is going to be awkward when the people responsible want ad have to explain their reasons for adopting a lifestyle that would make certain people uncomfortable. But a part time job that pays $20-25/hour isn’t that bad.

8. Wanted: 2 hot twin assassins to serve as bodyguards for deranged rich guy. People with glasses need not apply. Interview conducted in undisclosed location.

You'd expect to find an ad like this in an action movie since billionaires tend to be prime targets in those all the time. However, this ad is just so ridiculous that you'd swear this guy doesn't exist.

You’d expect to find an ad like this in an action movie since billionaires tend to be prime targets in those all the time. However, this ad is just so ridiculous that you’d swear this guy doesn’t exist.

9. Gay male computer geek in Santa Fe wanted to help middle aged gay guy meet other men online.

As far as want ads or personal ads go, I'm not sure whether this one is either one or the other. Seriously, he seems like he kind of wants a companion than tech tips.

As far as want ads or personal ads go, I’m not sure whether this one is either one or the other. Seriously, he seems like he kind of wants a companion than tech tips.

10. Actress wanted to flirt with boyfriend. I wonder what can go wrong with that.

Seems like this woman wants to hire an actress to flirt with her fiance because she really doesn't trust him around other women. Seriously, if I saw an ad like this on Craigslist, I'd wonder about this woman's relationship.

Seems like this woman wants to hire an actress to flirt with her fiance because she really doesn’t trust him around other women. Seriously, if I saw an ad like this on Craigslist, I’d wonder about this woman’s relationship.

11. Wanted: Flexible, intelligent, and friendly workaholic for all shifts. No vacation or sick leave.

Well, with a post like this, you'd think this advertised just about anything from fast food to retail. Still, I have to admire the employer's brutal honesty here but I wonder if they need to lower their standards a bit.

Well, with a post like this, you’d think this advertised just about anything from fast food to retail. Still, I have to admire the employer’s brutal honesty here but I wonder if they need to lower their standards a bit.

12. Wanted: Lawn care worker. Hula hoop required.

Why you'd need a hula hoop for lawn care, I have no idea. Seriously, I have yet to see what kind of lawn tasks a hula hoop can accomplish. These are the kind of things YouTube can come in handy for.

Why you’d need a hula hoop for lawn care, I have no idea. Seriously, I have yet to see what kind of lawn tasks a hula hoop can accomplish. These are the kind of things YouTube can come in handy for.

13. Babysitters somehow seem highly sought after whether it be for little kids, druggies, or comatose grandmas.

Now a hyperactive child for $10 is one thing. But this guy seems to want a babysitter for his grandma because he wants to change her will. Of course, the poster declined in a very passionate fashion.

Now a hyperactive child for $10 is one thing. But this guy seems to want a babysitter for his grandma because he wants to change her will. Of course, the poster declined in a very passionate fashion.

14. Wanted: Expendable minions for world domination attempt. Must work 24-7 for little or no pay. No weirdos, please.

I'm sure this is a joke since no sane person would want to work for a Fascist psychpath boss 24/7 for little or no pay. Then again, noting how many henchmen get virtually no respect in fiction, this explains a lot.

I’m sure this is a joke since no sane person would want to work for a Fascist psychpath boss 24/7 for little or no pay. Then again, noting how many henchmen get virtually no respect in fiction, this explains a lot.

15. Part time saleslady wanted who won’t be a bitch and can take sexual harassment.

Okay, with an ad like this, it's clear that the employer is a real asshole who has absolutely no respect for women. Seriously, if you're a woman and you see job notice like this, just look away.

Okay, with an ad like this, it’s clear that the employer is a real asshole who has absolutely no respect for women. Seriously, if you’re a woman and you see job notice like this, just look away.

16. Help Wanted: Hipsters, globetrotters, and artist types need not apply.

Let's just say when it comes to employees Vinnie's Pizza has a pretty low view for people in bands, people with art gallery openings, and people wanting to go to Europe.

Let’s just say when it comes to employees Vinnie’s Pizza has a pretty low view for people in bands, people with art gallery openings, and people wanting to go to Europe.

17. Now hiring accountant. Must go through ASAP course.

Seems like this ad has a few errors in it and I'm not sure that an ASAP course even exists. Also, it doesn't display any contact information whatsoever.

Seems like this ad has a few errors in it and I’m not sure that an ASAP course even exists. Also, it doesn’t display any contact information whatsoever.

18. Hiring computer engineers to solve difficult problem. Must solve for number here.

This company must really be desperate for computer engineers since they leave the numbers for x and y for you. Also, I can actually guess the number is 044-876-8000 with some calculation. Seriously, why they just have applicants solve for x and y.

This company must really be desperate for computer engineers since they leave the numbers for x and y for you. Also, I can actually guess the number is 044-876-8000 with some calculation. Seriously, why can’t they just have applicants solve for x and y?

19. Novelist seeking mentally ill people to interview for new book. Must be successful and interesting.

Let's just say that this person would save far more time and money if they'd just check out the biography section of their local library or Wikipedia. Seriously, there are a ton of celebrities and historical figures out there who'd fit this ad's description perfectly. May I recommend Andrew Jackson.

Let’s just say that this person would save far more time and money if they’d just check out the biography section of their local library or Wikipedia. Seriously, there are a ton of celebrities and historical figures out there who’d fit this ad’s description perfectly. May I recommend Andrew Jackson.

20. Night and weekend cab drivers wanted. Former getaway drivers preferred.

For the former mob getaway driver who's now on witness protection, this will be the perfect job for you. Then again, I'm not sure if getaway drivers have good driving skills.

For the former mob getaway driver who’s now on witness protection, this will be the perfect job for you. Then again, I’m not sure if getaway drivers have good driving skills.

21. Become a school bus driver. Have evenings and weekends off, no take home work, and $16.25/hr doing what most parents do for free.

As funny as these ads are, they're very effective. These would make anyone want to drive a school bus. Then again, I'm not sure $16.25/hr is worth dealing with complete brats.

As funny as these ads are, they’re very effective. These would make anyone want to drive a school bus. Then again, I’m not sure $16.25/hr is worth dealing with complete brats.

22. Experienced bartenders who can understand complete drunken gibberish wanted.

Deciphered, this says,

Deciphered, this says, “Ah, fine, I’ll have one more before I go home.” Of course, when someone says this in the correct pronunciation, they’re completely drunk and shouldn’t be served.

23. Legitimate Job Wanted: Ex-pot smuggler seeks alternative line of work after jail sentence.

Aside from from the obvious criminal record, and prison sentence, this guy really seems to emphasize his qualifications. Of course, he should have no trouble finding work in Washington State or Colorado.

Aside from from the obvious criminal record, and prison sentence, this guy really seems to emphasize his qualifications. Of course, he should have no trouble finding work in Washington State or Colorado.

24. Bodyguard wanted, must be great boyfriend material.

Now I don't know about you, but I'm not sure if this woman is looking for a bodyguard or a boyfriend. And it seems like her perfect man is an action hero.

Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure if this woman is looking for a bodyguard or a boyfriend. And it seems like her perfect man is an action hero.

25. Now firing, apply within.

This is a great sign to show how even the smallest typo can change a whole meaning. Yeah, I suggest they fix the mistake and replace the sign. Because I'm sure nobody would want to work for them with that.

This is a great sign to show how even the smallest typo can change a whole meaning. Yeah, I suggest they fix the mistake and replace the sign. Because I’m sure nobody would want to work for them with that.

26. Smiling faces wanted for drug testing.

Yes, they want smiling faces but if you show up too happy, they may think you're high. Still, if this is for some minimum wage service job, I suppose happy drug free people will be hard to come by.

Yes, they want smiling faces but if you show up too happy, they may think you’re high. Still, if this is for some minimum wage service job, I suppose happy drug free people will be hard to come by.

27. Workers wanted, preferably female for kitchen jobs.

So I suppose this is a sexist workplace. I'm sure men can do kitchen work just as well as women. I'll take a pass on that.

So I suppose this is a sexist workplace. I’m sure men can do kitchen work just as well as women. I’ll take a pass on that.

28. Help wanted to put out house fire ASAP.

For one, if your house is burning, why can't you just call 911 for the fucking fire department for God's sake? Any normal person would do the same thing. Also, if your house caught fire an hour ago, I'm sure there will be nothing left. Seriously, this guy's an idiot.

For one, if your house is burning, why can’t you just call 911 for the fucking fire department for God’s sake? Any normal person would do the same thing. Also, if your house caught fire an hour ago, I’m sure there will be nothing left. Seriously, this guy’s an idiot.

29. Wanted: Some fucking loser stoner who knows anything about Apple products.

Man, this person really seems to swear a lot on Craigslist. Still, I wouldn't want to work for this jerk $200/hr or not. Also, for a lawyer spending $.95 on iTunes songs is nothing. So why complain about it?

Man, this person really seems to swear a lot on Craigslist. Still, I wouldn’t want to work for this jerk $200/hr or not. Also, for a lawyer spending $.95 on iTunes songs is nothing. So why complain about it?

30. Now hiring for a male escort service?

I don't know about you but this sign gives the phrase,

I don’t know about you but this sign gives the phrase, “work hard” a whole new meaning. And I’m sure they need to change, “people” to “men” particularly middle aged men with erectile dysfunction.

31. Taxidermy place needs deer skinner for hunting season.

Yeah, seems like deer hunters need not visit this taxidermy place, at least until they find a new skinner. Wonder how they lost the last guy.

Yeah, seems like deer hunters need not visit this taxidermy place, at least until they find a new skinner. Wonder how they lost the last guy.

32. Help Wanted: Polish need not apply.

I wonder what this employer has against Polish people. I can't understand why Jack Krasozowski should be turned down due to his ethnic heritage.

I wonder what this employer has against Polish people. I can’t understand why Jack Krasozowski should be turned down due to his ethnic heritage.

33. Young girls wanted for pickling and bottling? What the hell?

I suppose either this person is a cannibal with a preference for pickled girls or really had no idea how people would read it. Either way, I'm not sure if I want to work there.

I suppose either this person is a cannibal with a preference for pickled girls or really had no idea how people would read it. Either way, I’m not sure if I want to work there.

34. Help Wanted: Sirius persons only apply within

So if you're not Harry Potter's fugitive godfather who can transform into a shaggy black dog, you probably shouldn't apply. As to why anyone would want to hire Sirius, I have no idea.

So if you’re not Harry Potter’s fugitive godfather who can transform into a shaggy black dog, you probably shouldn’t apply. As to why anyone would want to hire Sirius, I have no idea.

35. Now hiring someone who has a clue.

On one hand, you might think getting a job there is easy. On the other hand, if an employer wants to hire someone with a clue, it might mean this might not be a great place to work.

On one hand, you might think getting a job there is easy. On the other hand, if an employer wants to hire someone with a clue, it might mean this might not be a great place to work.

36. Work at Murder Burger. Here’s a flyer of our restaurant policy.

Now while working at a fast food joint may be one of the most soul sucking and thankless jobs ever, at least this want ad is honest about their policy. Still, it's pretty funny.

Now while working at a fast food joint may be one of the most soul sucking and thankless jobs ever, at least this want ad is honest about their policy. Still, it’s pretty funny. Love what they say about politicians.

37. Wanted: Pretty and ugly exotic dancers for titty bar.

You have to admit, at least this has less workplace discrimination than Hooters, in regards to their hiring practices. Still, wouldn't want to work there.

You have to admit, at least this has less workplace discrimination than Hooters, in regards to their hiring practices. Still, wouldn’t want to work there.

38. Looking for female deli staff. Former gymnasts and contortionists preferred.

I'm sure flexibility has to do with schedule. But I'm not sure if people would get the idea, especially if they want women.

I’m sure flexibility has to do with schedule. But I’m not sure if people would get the idea, especially if they want women.

39. Wanted: Pizza cook. Must have masters in S. Y. M.

It actually means

It actually means “shutting your mouth.” Still, they also want no crybabies and people able to read a schedule.

40. McDonalds: Now hiring losers at $6 an hour.

I can see why people working at McDonalds want a $15 wage. However, even if they did pay $15/hr, I'd still not want to work there. Or eat there for their food is disgusting.

I can see why people working at McDonalds want a $15 wage. However, even if they did pay $15/hr, I’d still not want to work there. Or eat there for their food is disgusting.

41. Now hiring truck drivers and they’re really needed.

Yes, seems like they really need truck drivers there from how this trailer truck is turned over. Of course, when it  comes to truck drivers, they're really hard to fire.

Yes, seems like they really need truck drivers there from how this trailer truck is turned over. Of course, when it comes to truck drivers, they’re really hard to fire.

42. Help Wanted: Must dominate the English language.

I'm not sure

I’m not sure “dominate” is the right word here. Seriously, this person doesn’t seem to have as much understanding of the English language as he or she thinks.

43. Want a job opportunity in broadcasting? Work as a janitor.

I'm sure when it comes to broadcasting, I don't think maintenance work comes to mind. Seriously, who wants to get into broadcasting expecting to dust, clean, sanitize, polish, spot wash, empty trash, gather recyclables, and replace light bulbs?

I’m sure when it comes to broadcasting, I don’t think maintenance work comes to mind. Seriously, who wants to get into broadcasting expecting to dust, clean, sanitize, polish, spot wash, empty trash, gather recyclables, and replace light bulbs?

44. Wanted: Office Assistant/Receptionist. Must be experienced in voicemail, Microsoft Office, and switchboard operating?

Guess they aren't looking for anyone under 80 in this line of work. Seriously, who the hell would have experience in operating a switchboard which is just so early 20th century?

Guess they aren’t looking for anyone under 80 in this line of work. Seriously, who the hell would have experience in operating a switchboard which is just so early 20th century?

45. Work at our coffee shop for your boyfriend will ask you for gas money eventually.

This employer seems to assume that only a certain type of woman will want to work for them. As to why some boyfriends would ask their girlfriends for gas money, I have no idea nor would I want to know.

This employer seems to assume that only a certain type of woman will want to work for them. As to why some boyfriends would ask their girlfriends for gas money, I have no idea nor would I want to know.

46. Dwarf wanted to impersonate Oompa Loompa for sorority event.

Seems like this sorority party's theme is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I'd sure hate to read the Craigslist ads calling for naughty kids to torture.

Seems like this sorority party’s theme is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I’d sure hate to read the Craigslist ads calling for naughty kids to torture.

47. Waiters and Waitresses Wanted for swingers party, but as for gender composition I can’t be sure.

The heading says 2 waiters and 2 waitresses. But reading the description they seem to ask for either 3 waitresses and 1 waiter or 3 waiters and 1 waitress. Seems like this couple can't make up their mind.

The heading says 2 waiters and 2 waitresses. But reading the description they seem to ask for either 3 waitresses and 1 waiter or 3 waiters and 1 waitress. Seems like this couple can’t make up their mind.

48. Wanted: Personal Texting Assistant.

For one, how is it possible for someone to receive 40-50 texts an hour. Second, I'm sure that this person needs to respond to texts less often or not respond to all their texts.

For one, how is it possible for someone to receive 40-50 texts an hour. Second, I’m sure that this person needs to respond to texts less often or not respond to all their texts.

49. Now hiring pubic hair trimmers?

For one, how many people have their pubic hair trimmed? Secondly, how in the hell are there people who make a living trimming pubic hair? Third, how is pubic hair trimming a business?

For one, how many people have their pubic hair trimmed? Secondly, how in the hell are there people who make a living trimming pubic hair? Third, how is pubic hair trimming a business?

50. Wanted: Male talent for shooting, er-I mean photo shooting with kitchen products.

I know this ad is seeking male talent for an ad photo shoot. Of course, when you have the words,

I know this ad is seeking male talent for an ad photo shoot. Of course, when you have the words, “shooting in the back,” in your job posting, people tend to get the wrong idea.

51. Staff wanted, but don’t think we don’t have standards because we do.

Of course, if you're under 18, smelly, irresponsible, whiny, dishonest, rude, an alien, and with a short attention span and no common sense, this job isn't for you. Still, at least they're honest.

Of course, if you’re under 18, smelly, irresponsible, whiny, dishonest, rude, an alien, and with a short attention span and no common sense, this job isn’t for you. Still, at least they’re honest.

52. Piano player wanted, must be able to open clams.

Had no idea that opening clams was an essential skill to being an adept piano player. Seriously, what does clam opening have to do with piano playing anyway? It's not,

Had no idea that opening clams was an essential skill to being an adept piano player. Seriously, what does clam opening have to do with piano playing anyway? It’s not, “Break us some clams, you’re the piano man/ Break us some clams tonight/Well, we’re all in the mood for some chowder/And you got us feeling alright….”

53. Hiring weekend cashier, must not look like Skeletor.

Being born in the 1990s, I'm sure that people around my age have no idea of He-Man or who Skeletor was. I mean those cartoons are from the 1980s.

Being born in the 1990s, I’m sure that people around my age have no idea of He-Man or who Skeletor was. I mean those cartoons are from the 1980s.

54. Seems like this place is hiring for its Going Out of Business Sale.

Yeah, because I'm not sure how else would any place be hiring new people during a store closing. Maybe they're just betting on people desperate for work at this point.

Yeah, because I’m not sure how else would any place be hiring new people during a store closing. Maybe they’re just betting on people desperate for work at this point.

55. Surgeon Wanted: No experience necessary. Must have own tools.

Now this would be a rather reasonable job posting....for a pirate ship in the 17th century. Seriously, it was all about hacking limbs and knowing their way around with a saw.

Now this would be a rather reasonable job posting….for a pirate ship in the 17th century. Seriously, it was all about hacking limbs and knowing their way around with a saw.

56. Join 10x Marketing or die.

Now I know that Darth Vader is a cultural icon. But still, this is a guy is a boss from hell known to force choke his employees, blow up his daughter's planet, and cut off his son's hand. Seriously, would you want a guy like that on a recruitment poster?

Now I know that Darth Vader is a cultural icon. But still, this is a guy is a boss from hell known to force choke his employees, blow up his daughter’s planet, and cut off his son’s hand. Seriously, would you want a guy like that on a recruitment poster?

57. Tired of working $9.75/hr, here’s a job for $5-7/hr.

Yeah, I'll take a pass on this. Seriously, compared to what they offer $9.75/hr isn't that bad, especially if it pertains to a job paying $5-7/hr.

Yeah, I’ll take a pass on this. Seriously, compared to what they offer $9.75/hr isn’t that bad, especially if it pertains to a job paying $5-7/hr.

58. Start a career in a fast paced lucrative pudding business for adverse working conditions.

Benefits include long hard hours, very low pay, lots of heavy lifting, working for a ball busting asshole, no benefits, and no advancement. Must be a college grad.

Benefits include long hard hours, very low pay, lots of heavy lifting, working for a ball busting asshole, no benefits, and no advancement. Must be a college grad.

59. Men wanted for hazardous journey. See Ernest Shackleton for details.

This is an ad for the Ernest Shackleton Antarctic expedition. Of course, despite the abysmal job description, he managed to get guys on board. Luckily they all survived the Endurance one.

This is an ad for the Ernest Shackleton Antarctic expedition. Of course, despite the abysmal job description, he managed to get guys on board. Luckily they all survived the Endurance one.

60. Waitress Needed: Seeking 18 year old with 20 years experience.

Hmmm...18 year old with 20 years experience. Wonder how that's possible. Wait a minute, it's not. Yeah, somebody must've messed up with this ad big time.

Hmmm…18 year old with 20 years experience. Wonder how that’s possible. Wait a minute, it’s not. Yeah, somebody must’ve messed up with this ad big time.

61. Spanish disco seeks energetic young dancers for Friday nights. Must wear Star Wars costume.

I'm sure there will be plenty of Star Wars fans who will jump at this opportunity. Of course, many of them would really hat to work between midnight and 4:30 am.

I’m sure there will be plenty of Star Wars fans who will jump at this opportunity. Of course, many of them would really hat to work between midnight and 4:30 am.

62.Wanted: Hay chewer.

Seriously, you'd have to be incredibly nuts to apply for this job. I mean the job description is utterly disgusting.

Seriously, you’d have to be incredibly nuts to apply for this job. I mean the job description is utterly disgusting.

63. Now hiring at Blockbuster. Please no dinosaurs in human costumes.

Dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years. So the odds of them being in a human costume is basically nil. Guess working at a video store can drive you nuts.

Dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years. So the odds of them being in a human costume is basically nil. Guess working at a video store can drive you nuts.

64. Exxon: Now hiring and by the way, we pay more than the NYPD.

If Exxon seems to pay more than the NYPD, then I'm sure that those guys in blue are basically working for peanuts. No wonder they commit so many atrocities on black people.

If Exxon seems to pay more than the NYPD, then I’m sure that those guys in blue are basically working for peanuts. No wonder they commit so many atrocities on black people.

65. Help wanted: Many positions available.

I'm sure this is a joke. If not, then it's probably some recruitment sign for a prostitution ring. Yes, dirty silhouette people you see on restrooms have sex lives, too.

I’m sure this is a joke. If not, then it’s probably some recruitment sign for a prostitution ring. Yes, dirty silhouette people you see on restrooms have sex lives, too.

66. Wanted: Babysitter for adopted daughter. Call 24601.

Again, this is a joke. Yeah, nice try Jean Valjean. Love the

Again, this is a joke. Yeah, nice try Jean Valjean. Love the “May or may not be during an attempted revival of the French Revolution.”

67. Now hiring fried turkeys.

I'm sure this is a case of bad ad placement. Seriously, who'd want to hire fried turkeys. Still pretty funny.

I’m sure this is a case of bad ad placement. Seriously, who’d want to hire fried turkeys. Still pretty funny.

68. Kitchen Helf Wated.

Seems like they need someone with good English skills. Either that, or someone who knows how to spell simple words like

Seems like they need someone with good English skills. Either that, or someone who knows how to spell simple words like “help” or “wanted.”

69. Wanted: Female Snail Crusher.

Of course, they will be paid via vouchers from Amazon. Still, this is said to be posted by film students. As to why they want female snail crushers, I have no idea.

Of course, they will be paid via vouchers from Amazon. Still, this is said to be posted by film students. As to why they want female snail crushers, I have no idea.

70. Good news! Spongebob is at Burger King hiring managers.

Of course, this is a result when advertising to customers gets in the way of advertising to job seekers. Yeah, might make people think

Of course, this is a result when advertising to customers gets in the way of advertising to job seekers. Yeah, might make people think “Hey, I didn’t know Spongebob worked at Burger King.”

71. Have what it takes to be an Air Force engineer? Call the number below.

Now this is the kind of complex math engineers would certainly deal with. Yes, this is certainly incomprehensible to people like me.

Now this is the kind of complex math engineers would certainly deal with. Yes, this is certainly incomprehensible to people like me.

72. Interested in graphic design. Then be a freelance studio assistant.

Sure you'll be working with an advertising agency. But you'll basically be a gopher in this position, which is kind of like an internship.

Sure you’ll be working with an advertising agency. But you’ll basically be a gopher in this position, which is kind of like an internship.

73. Be a part time server at our establishment, but you must meet the following criteria.

Now there may be some relevant disqualifications here such as being a sociopath, mean, or crazy. But some of these are just so irrelevant to the job such as not liking Batman, for instance.

Now there may be some relevant disqualifications here such as being a sociopath, mean, or crazy. But some of these are just so irrelevant to the job such as not liking Batman, for instance.

74. Wanted: Intern required for stuff.

Of course, this job has some fine qualifications. But the job title is very nonspecific other than it being from Glasgow. Yet, liking bourbon and a song on Youtube, how does that make anyone eligible?

Of course, this job has some fine qualifications. But the job title is very nonspecific other than it being from Glasgow. Yet, liking bourbon and a song on You Tube, how does that make anyone eligible?

75. People needed for Burger Bar. Politics students and P addicts need not apply.

Again, you have to love Murder Burger. Not sure what their food is like. But their ads seem like they're written by complete curmudgeons and are hilarious.

Again, you have to love Murder Burger. Not sure what their food is like. But their ads seem like they’re written by complete curmudgeons and are hilarious.

76. Wanted: Clinical Scientists for our graveyard shits.

Should be

Should be “graveyard shifts.” A great example of how leaving one letter can just change the whole meaning of the ad.

77. In Islamabad, they have very high standards for potential employees in Chinese restaurants.

Now 5 years experience for a waiter or barman is one thing, but 5 star hotel? You got to be kidding me. Talk about impossible standards.

Now 5 years experience for a waiter or barman is one thing, but 5 star hotel? You got to be kidding me. Talk about impossible standards.

78. Wanted: Head Coach of Division I College Basketball.

Now you have to admit, that the University of Nevada Las Vegas is really desperate for a head basketball coach. Otherwise, they wouldn't have advertised it on Craigslist.

Now you have to admit, that the University of Nevada Las Vegas is really desperate for a head basketball coach. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have advertised it on Craigslist.

79. Wanted: Photographer for adult film star party.

“Must be comfortable around little people,” well, that’s not really the thing in this case. Seriously, nudity and sex is one thing, but involving live animals in it, then it’s just disgusting.

80. Wanted: Two people to play Dungeons and Dragons with.

For one, since when can you send a resume telepathically? Second, I'm sure satisfaction of cosmic justice isn't enough for someone to live on.

For one, since when can you send a resume telepathically? Second, I’m sure satisfaction of cosmic justice isn’t enough for someone to live on.

Place Your Bets for These Kentucky Derby Hats

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The first Saturday in May, all eyes are on Louisville’s Churchill Downs for the annual Kentucky Derby which is one of America’s oldest sporting events with the first taking place in 1875 with the first started by Meriwether Lewis Clark Jr. (whose grandfather was William Clark of the Lewis and Clark expedition). Seriously, it predates the Super Bowl. Now the Kentucky Derby is the first of the major Triple Crown horse races in which the horses and their riders must race along a 1 1/4 mile stretch. But unlike NASCAR, it’s just the one time and lasts for a few minutes. So no falling asleep at the TV screen there. However, the winner is usually the favorite for the other two Triple Crown races like the Preakness in Maryland and the Belmont States of New York as well as gets covered in roses. The horse winning these races wins the Triple Crown, which last happened in the 1970s. Now after the Kentucky Derby is a 2 week long Kentucky Derby festival. Still, there are a lot of traditions associated with the Kentucky Derby such as mint juleps, burgoo, gambling, and rich people. Yet, one particular tradition standing out is how many spectators tend to wear large ridiculous hats. So for your reading pleasure, here is an assortment of Kentucky Derby hats.

1. Now this guy loves flowers in his hat and seeing dollar signs.

Yes, wearing ridiculous Kentucky Derby hats no longer seems limited to women anymore. I mean this guy seems more suited for a different sporting event or night club.

Yes, wearing ridiculous Kentucky Derby hats no longer seems limited to women anymore. I mean this guy seems more suited for a different sporting event or night club.

2. Of course, you can’t kick off the Kentucky Derby Day without breakfast.

Not sure if this hat is from the Kentucky Derby. Yet, since it's a hat with a heart attack inducing breakfast on it, I'll put it on there. Fitting since obesity is a big problem in Kentucky anyway.

Not sure if this hat is from the Kentucky Derby. Yet, since it’s a hat with a heart attack inducing breakfast on it, I’ll put it on there. Fitting since obesity is a big problem in Kentucky anyway.

3. Why have a flamingo on your lawn, while you can have one in your hat?

Now this hat is outrageous enough without the flamingo. But with it, it's just tacky. Even more ridiculous is that the flamingo also has a hat, too.

Now this hat is outrageous enough without the flamingo. But with it, it’s just tacky. Even more ridiculous is that the flamingo also has a hat, too.

4. Ever get the feeling that some people have horses flying around their heads?

Now this guy has a cowboy hat on with roses and horses spinning at the top. Of course, there are only two seats on this small carousel if it is one.

Now this guy has a cowboy hat on with roses and horses spinning at the top. Of course, there are only two seats on this small carousel if it is one.

5. Since Kentucky is the Bluegrass State, it’s only fitting to have wear a hat of blue cheese.

And what better hat of blue cheese than one that almost resembles Mt. Rushmore on a platter? Seriously, it kind of does if you think about it.

And what better hat of blue cheese than one that almost resembles Mt. Rushmore on a platter? Seriously, it kind of does if you think about it.

6. When it comes to top hats, the taller the better.

If it weren't for the roses, you'd think this guy's hat came straight out of a Dr. Seuss story. But it goes great with his outfit.

If it weren’t for the roses, you’d think this guy’s hat came straight out of a Dr. Seuss story. But it goes great with his outfit.

7. If one flamingo won’t make your hat look ridiculous, more will certainly do the charm.

Flower garden flamingos: Making Kentucky Derby hats and gardens tackier since someone thought that they'd make a great decoration for their landscaping.

Flower garden flamingos: Making Kentucky Derby hats and gardens tackier since someone thought that they’d make a great decoration for their landscaping.

8. Roses, beads, and pins will certainly make this woman a spectacle at the derby.

Too bad that the Amazing Karnak was planning on wearing the same thing. Of course, most people don't know who the Amazing Karnak is since he's one of Johnny Carson's characters. Yeah, hasn't been around since the 1990s.

Too bad that the Amazing Karnak was planning on wearing the same thing. Of course, most people don’t know who the Amazing Karnak is since he’s one of Johnny Carson’s characters. Yeah, hasn’t been around since the 1990s.

9. Make sure the roses on your hat have little horseman on them.

Now I don't know what to make of that. Because little horsemen simply don't jump out of roses as far as I know. Except maybe in acid trips or something.

Now I don’t know what to make of that. Because little horsemen simply don’t jump out of roses as far as I know. Except maybe in acid trips or something.

10. In the Kentucky Derby, your hat can never have enough flowers or feathers.

Now this seems like a fancy winter hat at this angle. But it's basically made for spring. Still, it's as utterly tacky as you'd expect Lady Gaga to wear it at an awards ceremony.

Now this seems like a fancy winter hat at this angle. But it’s basically made for spring. Still, it’s as utterly tacky as you’d expect Lady Gaga to wear it at an awards ceremony.

11. Since spring is the season of flowers, why not spring into the Derby in pink?

“Oh, shit. Seems like I forgot to put on some peacock feathers on this to make it seem more outrageous. Now Cindy’s out there topped with a showgirl’s hat from Las Vegas.”

12. When it comes to derby hats, you can use almost anything, even tablecloths.

Now Now this seems like she's traveling in an exotic land, perhaps during the late 1800s.  Then again, it does look like a creative arrangement of a table cloth.

Now this seems like she’s traveling in an exotic land, perhaps during the late 1800s. Then again, it does look like a creative arrangement of a table cloth.

13. Since the Kentucky Derby is a horse race, it seems appropriate enough to wear a horse’s head for the occasion.

Now that looks like a horse's head you'd get from Amazon or something. Still, seeing it eat roses is kind of creepy if you think about it.

Now that looks like a horse’s head you’d get from Amazon or something. Still, seeing it eat roses is kind of creepy if you think about it.

14. As far as flowers go, the bigger the better.

And this red flower seems to cover most of this woman's hat. Hope some bee doesn't mistake it for the real thing.

And this red flower seems to cover most of this woman’s hat. Hope some bee doesn’t mistake it for the real thing.

15. During the Kentucky Derby some people drink while others seem all corked out.

Let's hope that the corks she used on this hat came from a craft store. Because if not, she might need to go through a Twelve Step program.

Let’s hope that the corks she used on this hat came from a craft store. Because if not, she might need to go through a Twelve Step program.

16. Some people tend to be private about their boudoir while this woman as a miniature version of hers out in the open.

I'm not sure which is more outrageous having a bathroom on your head or all the blue stuff surrounding it. Seriously, it just seems so ridiculous on sight.

I’m not sure which is more outrageous having a bathroom on your head or all the blue stuff surrounding it. Seriously, it just seems so ridiculous on sight.

17. Of course, every look has to go with the right kind of curls.

Now if these curls were any smaller, I would've mistook them for wood shavings. Hope she doesn't run into low doorways.

Now if these curls were any smaller, I would’ve mistook them for wood shavings. Hope she doesn’t run into low doorways.

18. Nothing makes a nice Southern plantation home than a grand staircase.

But when it comes to this woman, the grand staircase is pink and purple as well as on her head. But I don't know if this staircase leads to heaven or nowhere.

But when it comes to this woman, the grand staircase is pink and purple as well as on her head. But I don’t know if this staircase leads to heaven or nowhere.

19. When it comes to the wild Kentucky Derby fashions, even the sportscasters like to show off.

NBC sportscaster Bob Costa looks so stunning in Johnny Weir's white hat. Not sure if it matches his suit though.

NBC sportscaster Bob Costa looks so stunning in Johnny Weir’s white hat. Not sure if it matches his suit though.

20. While some don hats of horse’s heads, others don those of jockeys.

Hope this woman didn't get that head from her job at the DMV. Then again, she seems a bit too rich to have a job there from how that hat is decorated.

Hope this woman didn’t get that head from her job at the DMV. Then again, she seems a bit too rich to have a job there from how that hat is decorated.

21. People come from all over the country for the Kentucky Derby. This woman is from Wisconsin.

And she's wearing her cheesehead coiffure in all its Greenbay Packer glory. Seriously, whenever I see a cheese head, I think of the Greenbay Packers.

And she’s wearing her cheese head coiffure in all its Greenbay Packer glory. Seriously, whenever I see a cheese head, I think of the Greenbay Packers.

22. What better hat for the Kentucky Derby than a straw bonnet of a horse?

Yes, this guy sure looks pretty with a horse bonnet that has pink lilies on its ears. Also, has a rabbit's foot on it for luck. Guess he has money on a horse.

Yes, this guy sure looks pretty with a horse bonnet that has pink lilies on its ears. Also, has a rabbit’s foot on it for luck. Guess he has money on a horse.

23. While the official Kentucky Derby drink is mint juleps, this lady prefers to wear a martini glass.

Well, I'm sure she doesn't drink out of the thing,. But if she does, then she might have a problem.

Well, I’m sure she doesn’t drink out of the thing,. But if she does, then she might have a problem.

24. Just drinking mint juleps with a jockey and horse by his sides.

Seems like the jockey and horse are chilling right by his riding helmet. Let's hope he doesn't have money on a horse and is just there for the fun of it all.

Seems like the jockey and horse are chilling right by his riding helmet. Let’s hope he doesn’t have money on a horse and is just there for the fun of it all.

25. Of course, you always need your hat to match your outfit at the Kentucky Derby.

Looks like this will be Lady Gaga in a few decades. Seriously, I can totally see her wearing something like that an awards ceremony or public appearance.

Looks like this will be Lady Gaga in a few decades. Seriously, I can totally see her wearing something like that an awards ceremony or public appearance.

26. No post on Kentucky Derby hats would be complete without one of a mint juleps.

Of course, that's not a real mint juleps. But it looks pretty crazy yet appropriate at the same time.

Of course, that’s not a real mint juleps. But it looks pretty crazy yet appropriate at the same time.

27. It helps if the fringe on your hat matches the cuffs on your dress.

And she seems to have obtained the fuzzy trim from the rare Truffula tree. Of course, she probably had to spend a fortune on it as we know from The Lorax.

And she seems to have obtained the fuzzy trim from the rare Truffula tree. Of course, she probably had to spend a fortune on it as we know from The Lorax.

28. Pink flowers and black feathers, what can possibly go wrong with that?

I'm not sure if I can call this pretty since it seems to come from something you'd see a Star Trek alien wear. Seriously, the feathers are sticking out of the flowers.

I’m not sure if I can call this pretty since it seems to come from something you’d see a Star Trek alien wear. Seriously, the feathers are sticking out of the flowers.

29. When it comes to hair extensions, you can certainly go wild.

Now this is the kind of Kentucky Derby hat you'd see in a Lady Gaga music video or at a show in Las Vegas. Still, it's quite hideous.

Now this is the kind of Kentucky Derby hat you’d see in a Lady Gaga music video or at a show in Las Vegas. Still, it’s quite hideous.

30. Some flowers just simply go well in a box. Some in planters. And some in hats.

I'm sure the flowers aren't real but they're certainly outrageous compared to the horse. Man, that hat is massive.

I’m sure the flowers aren’t real but they’re certainly outrageous compared to the horse. Man, that hat is massive.

31. I call this look the Las Vegas showgirl.

And the fact this hat is worn by a guy makes it even funnier. Seriously, he's bound to make Native American casino owners pissed off over cultural appropriation.

And the fact this hat is worn by a guy makes it even funnier. Seriously, he’s bound to make Native American casino owners pissed off over cultural appropriation.

32. When it comes to Kentucky Derby hats, some are bound to make other spectators a little uncomfortable.

Yeah, if I was sitting next to a guy with an old timey camera hat and wearing sunglasses, I'd assume he was working for some covert organization. Seriously, he give me the creeps.

Yeah, if I was sitting next to a guy with an old timey camera hat and wearing sunglasses, I’d assume he was working for some covert organization. Seriously, he give me the creeps.

33. Some people enjoy the Kentucky Derby so much that they have to wear Churchill Downs on their heads.

Because why have a hat of a horse's head when you can have one with 2 steeples? Of course, she might poke somebody's eye out.

Because why have a hat of a horse’s head when you can have one with 2 steeples? Of course, she might poke somebody’s eye out.

34. Of course, this woman is setting a record with her LP hat.

Hope the album in question isn't of great quality, music wise. Seriously, I wouldn't want to wast a good album on a hat if I were you.

Hope the album in question isn’t of great quality, music wise. Seriously, I wouldn’t want to wast a good album on a hat if I were you.

35. Hey, I didn’t know that you can wear giant candy wrappers.

Hmm... I know the fashion industry can churn out some crazy shit these days. But I'm not sure if I'd want to be caught dead wearing a candy wrapper hat should a horse run over me at the races.

Hmm… I know the fashion industry can churn out some crazy shit these days. But I’m not sure if I’d want to be caught dead wearing a candy wrapper hat should a horse run over me at the races.

36. Eeek! Is that a spider on her head? Oh, God, take it away!

Sure she may think she's glamorous, but her hat resembles some kind of giant spider that's just escaped from mad scientists laboratory. Wouldn't be surprised if it was radioactive.

Sure she may think she’s glamorous, but her hat resembles some kind of giant spider that’s just escaped from mad scientists laboratory. Wouldn’t be surprised if it was radioactive.

37. With a hat like this, no one will get lost or forget the time.

Unfortunately, this sundial hat isn't 100% accurate. But I'm sure you can see it from a bird's eye view. Or not.

Unfortunately, this sundial hat isn’t 100% accurate. But I’m sure you can see it from a bird’s eye view. Or not.

38. Of course, when looking at her hat, you’d swear to have seen it in a modern art museum. You probably didn’t know it was a hat to begin with.

Nevertheless, wearing a hat like this, and astronauts will be able to track your moves from space. Still, quite hideous.

Nevertheless, wearing a hat like this, and astronauts will be able to track your moves from space. Still, quite hideous.

39. Hey, I didn’t know they had a My Little Pony horse’s head hat. Guess every little girl wants one now.

Well, basically a hat for those who enjoy My Little Pony and The Godfather. Now Rainbow Sparkles will certainly make him an offer he can't refuse.

Well, basically a hat for those who enjoy My Little Pony and The Godfather. Now Rainbow Sparkles will certainly make him an offer he can’t refuse.

40. Now this is the kind of Kentucky Derby hat I’d expect from a Tim Burton film.

From Huffington Post:

From Huffington Post: “Originally designed to be worn by Helena Bonham Carter at the Oscars, this hat has found new life startling horses at Churchill Downs.”

41. What better way to grace the Kentucky Derby than wear a hat made from the precious feathers of your pet macaw.

Of course, it was a Norwegian Blue which is know for its wonderful plumage. But they do have a tendency of pining for the fjords. What? Are you saying that there aren't any parrots in Norway? Well, you obviously haven't seen Monty Python.

Of course, it was a Norwegian Blue which is know for its wonderful plumage. But they do have a tendency of pining for the fjords. What? Are you saying that there aren’t any parrots in Norway? Well, you obviously haven’t seen Monty Python.

42. This guy seems to love roses so much that he had to have some tattooed on his face.

Doesn't stop him from looking like some bum who was hired to wear such a ridiculous hat. Yeah, seems like he's way too covered in roses to appear like a true fan.

Doesn’t stop him from looking like some bum who was hired to wear such a ridiculous hat. Yeah, seems like he’s the kind of guy who attends the Kentucky Derby during his annual day of being in civilization.

43. After the Derby one of them is going to a mad tea party while the other will celebrate Cinco de Mayo by watching The Three Amigos.

Mad tea party or Three Amigos? Oh, what the hell, Three Amigos will always win every time for me. Seriously, that movie is a classic.

Mad tea party or Three Amigos? Oh, what the hell, Three Amigos will always win every time for me. Seriously, that movie is a classic.

44. The Louisville mayor and his entourage.

Nevertheless, Louisville's mayor has an ego about a mile wide. So on Kentucky Derby day, he thinks he's the Pope.

Nevertheless, Louisville’s mayor has an ego about a mile wide. So on Kentucky Derby day, he thinks he’s the Pope.

45. I suppose this is the ice cream lady.

I don't know about you, but she's probably wearing the hat for the money. Bet the ice cream company is sponsoring this horse race, right?

I don’t know about you, but she’s probably wearing the hat for the money. Bet the ice cream company is sponsoring this horse race, right? How else could she wear an ice cream cone on her head?

46. Seems like this woman decided to wear the same outfit she had on during the gala at the modern art museum.

Because how else could her hat resemble a piece of funky colored bacon with springs on it? Seriously, bacon doesn't look like that.

Because how else could her hat resemble a piece of funky colored bacon with springs on it? Seriously, bacon doesn’t look like that.

47. Guess the ladies of the Red Hat Society aren’t wearing anything outrageous.

Oh, my mistake. Actually looks like something the Red Hat Society ladies might wear to a derby in a Dr. Seuss story for some reason. Then again, the feathers are just crazy on this one.

Oh, my mistake. Actually looks like something the Red Hat Society ladies might wear to a derby in a Dr. Seuss story for some reason. Then again, the feathers are just crazy on this one.

48. When it comes to roses at the Kentucky Derby, the bigger, the better.

And it makes you wonder how the rose can be so big and still stay on this woman's head. Seriously, I really want to know that answer.

And it makes you wonder how the rose can be so big and still stay on this woman’s head. Seriously, I really want to know that answer.

49. Some people just want to wake up and smell the flowers.

Some guys just want to wear a hat with the petals surrounding them. Sure this doesn't make you look ridiculous (sarcasm).

Some guys just want to wear a hat with the petals surrounding them. Sure this doesn’t make you look ridiculous (sarcasm).

50. I suppose that this guy is holding the cup.

Sure he may wear it on his head, but think of how many things he's carrying in that. Hopefully, he doesn't have any drugs in them. But I could be wrong.

Sure he may wear it on his head, but think of how many things he’s carrying in that. Hopefully, he doesn’t have any drugs in them. But I could be wrong.

51. Nothing shows your love for the Kentucky Derby than wearing a hat of dangling horses.

Okay, now I don't know about you, but it seems that the horses are dangling from their necks. It's like an equine hanging tree. Seriously, that's messed up.

Okay, now I don’t know about you, but it seems that the horses are dangling from their necks. It’s like an equine hanging tree. Seriously, that’s messed up.

52. When it comes to Kentucky Derby Beer Pong, all the plastic cups have to have roses and mint juleps in them.

Of course, they may be empty for now. But after the Derby, well, I'm sure they'll be filled with booze and be used for beer pong.

Of course, they may be empty for now. But after the Derby, well, I’m sure they’ll be filled with booze and be used for beer pong. Not sure about the roses though.

53. Of course, nothing shows your love for the Kentucky Derby than having your hat made from the feathers of your dead parrot.

Seriously, you have to wonder why people would think that using dead pets for fancy hats is a good idea. Also, this hat is beyond hideous, but here it is.

Seriously, you have to wonder why people would think that using dead pets for fancy hats is a good idea. Also, this hat is beyond hideous, but here it is.

54. Care for a bee in your bonnet?

Hey, I didn't mean literally, but what the hell. I mean it's just an expression. You don't need to take everything literally. Also, that bee is terrifying.

Hey, I didn’t mean literally, but what the hell. I mean it’s just an expression. You don’t need to take everything literally. Also, that bee is terrifying.

56. Can’t decide between 2 hats? Just glue them together and create an awesome megahat, or not.

Yeah, I think the white hat would've been better without the funky blue feathers plucked from a bird in Horton's jungle. Hey, I'm just saying.

Yeah, I think the white hat would’ve been better without the funky blue feathers plucked from a bird in Horton’s jungle. Hey, I’m just saying.

57. Finally, a hat with nothing unusual.

Oh, wait, that's Joey Fatone from the 1990s boy band NSYNC. Still, you kind of wish they had reunion at the Kentucky Derby wearing hats like these.

Oh, wait, that’s Joey Fatone from the 1990s boy band NSYNC. Still, you kind of wish they had reunion at the Kentucky Derby wearing hats like these.

58. Now the bowler hat is fine. The giant cigarette, large gemstone ring, and the fur coat on the other hand.

Seriously, if he's not doing anything illegal or killing people, he's probably a greedy corporate executive who treats his minimum wage workers like shit, is engaging in insider trading, has had a succession of trophy wives, and spends most of his time on his expensive yacht.

Seriously, if he’s not doing anything illegal or killing people, he’s probably a greedy corporate executive who treats his minimum wage workers like shit, is engaging in insider trading, has had a succession of trophy wives, and spends most of his time on his expensive yacht.

58. Who knew that the Ghost of Christmas Present was a fan of horse racing?

Guess a guy whose job is to haunt the dreams of miserly bankers on an annual basis needs some kind of pleasure in life. But still, he looked way cooler in A Christmas Carol.

Guess a guy whose job is to haunt the dreams of miserly bankers on an annual basis needs some kind of pleasure in life. But still, he looked way cooler in A Christmas Carol.

59. Knowing that it was expected to rain in Louisville during the derby, Cyndi Lauper decided to dress accordingly.

Yes, that Cyndi Lauper. Yes, that hat resembles a UFO. And yes, it also doubles as an umbrella. Any questions?

Yes, that Cyndi Lauper. Yes, that hat resembles a UFO. And yes, it also doubles as an umbrella. Any questions?

60. Of course, this gigantic pink rose doesn’t make her hat look in any way cartoonish.

Uh, yes. it does. In fact, it makes the other gigantic flower hats look normal in comparison. Seriously, you'd swear it was genetically engineered by Monsanto.

Uh, yes. it does. In fact, it makes the other gigantic flower hats look normal in comparison. Seriously, you’d swear it was genetically engineered by Monsanto.

61. May I present to you, the Green Bay Packers Ladies’ Auxillary.

Now regular cheese heads are one thing. But pink cheese heads?  Now that's really fucked up. Guess they really wanted to show their love for the Packers and wear hats that matched their outfits.

Now regular cheese heads are one thing. But pink cheese heads? Now that’s really fucked up. Guess they really wanted to show their love for the Packers and wear hats that matched their outfits.

62. Now here is a hat in glorious purple.

From Huffington Post: “There was this giant purple monster with feathers and it was chasing me through my old high school.”

63. I’m sure those bright pink feathers will make any Kentucky Derby hat look gorgeous.

I'm sorry but I was wrong. It just looks like something you'd buy at a Halloween costume store, particularly if it comes with a matching pimp suit.

I’m sorry but I was wrong. It just looks like something you’d buy at a Halloween costume store, particularly if it comes with a matching pimp suit.

64. After the derby, this guy plans to take part in some secret cult ritual involving horses or something. Or maybe he’s just wearing a horse’s head.

Of course, it's bound to bring some traumatizing memories for people who woke up next to a horse's head in their beds. Kind of disturbing if you think about it.

Of course, it’s bound to bring some traumatizing memories for people who woke up next to a horse’s head in their beds. Kind of disturbing if you think about it.

65. Of course, when it comes to hat decorating, some people just don’t know when to stop.

Let's hope Churchill Downs has high doorways so she doesn't run into something. Still, if she was a man, you'd think she was compensating for something.

Let’s hope Churchill Downs has high doorways so she doesn’t run into something. Still, if she was a man, you’d think she was compensating for something.

66. This woman is certainly an accomplished hunter for she had to shoot a lot of birds to make a hat like this.

Of course, when it comes to pheasant shooting, this lady tends to use a machine gun by the looks of it. Still, maybe she should've stuck to something more suited for spring.

Of course, when it comes to pheasant shooting, this lady tends to use a machine gun by the looks of it. Still, maybe she should’ve stuck to something more suited for spring.

67. Nothing shows your love for the Kentucky Derby than a hat with a horse’s head in a top hat on a platter.

I don't know about you but I'm starting to get the kind of My Little Pony meets The Godfather vibe again. I wonder why. Still, it has some pretty disturbing implications if you ask me.

I don’t know about you but I’m starting to get the kind of My Little Pony meets The Godfather vibe again. I wonder why. Still, it has some pretty disturbing implications if you ask me.

68. Of course, if it should rain in Churchill Downs, then I’m sure I’d like to get under this guy.

Nevertheless, if there be showers, this guy will certainly be very popular. I mean wearing a hat like that would make any guy a one man mobile pavilion.

Nevertheless, if there be showers, this guy will certainly be very popular. I mean wearing a hat like that would make any guy a one man mobile pavilion.

69. I see that the horses are about to leave the gates.

My mistake. That's just a guy's hat. Yeah, I know it's weird. But he really seems to be a big horse racing fan by the looks of it.

My mistake. That’s just a guy’s hat. Yeah, I know it’s weird. But he really seems to be a big horse racing fan by the looks of it.

70. Won’t you give another mint julep for this Fairy Godmother?

Seriously, she went through all that trouble to get Cinderella to the ball. So she really can use a break. And so what if she likes to bet on horses and get drunk on mint juleps afterwards?

Seriously, she went through all that trouble to get Cinderella to the ball. So she really can use a break. And so what if she likes to bet on horses and get drunk on mint juleps afterwards?

Stupid Pet Stuff

HugsPet

Let’s face it, people love their pets and want what’s best for them. Sure caring for an animal that depends on you is a commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Pet owners are responsible for caring, feeding, and exercising their furry companions so it’s no wonder that they may need to visit a pet store once in awhile. Sure Fido may need his dog food, treats, worm pills, doggy bed, some toys to chew on, a crate, and a leash for walks like he needs a check up from the vet. And if he’s a city dog, then I’m sure his owner will have to buy some cleanup equipment for his nature calls. Yes, all that costs money. Sure owners want what’s best for their animal friends but some tend to go to extreme as if their pets are like people. I mean there are owners who spend so much on their pets on things which they don’t need. I’m sure Fluffy the cat should have the best kitty littler, but come on, do you really need to give her a birthday party? Seriously, pets may be a big responsibility but they aren’t people and you shouldn’t treat them like your kid. Hell, some people spend more on their pets than their own relations. And Leona Helmsey left the bulk of her estate to her dog Trouble and disinherited two of her grandchildren. Still, this doesn’t stop people from thinking that their little Frou Frou needs a spa treatment. Nevertheless, such strange notions of pet owners give rise to some of the craziest pet stuff you’d find on the web. So without further adieu, here are some pet products that would make your local cat hoarder seem sane by comparison.

1. King-Size Cat Bed

Just because your cat needs a place to sleep, doesn't mean it needs a bed set as fancy as yours even with side tables and drawers. Seriously, whoever dumped this much money on this luxury suite makes a conventional crazy cat lady seem normal.

Just because your cat needs a place to sleep, doesn’t mean it needs a bed set as fancy as yours even with side tables and drawers. Seriously, whoever dumped this much money on this luxury suite makes a conventional crazy cat lady seem normal.

2. Puppoose

Seriously, pets are animals not fashion accessories even if they are little lap dogs. Still, I wonder if they make them in Great Dane size. Now that would be funny.

Seriously, pets are animals not fashion accessories even if they are little lap dogs. Still, I wonder if they make them in Great Dane size. Now that would be funny.

3. Luxury Themed Squeak Toys

Okay, what's with these pompous cutesy wootsy playthings? I mean they resemble nothing that a dog would actually play with nor what you'd want it to play with. Seriously, you dog can do without a

Okay, what’s with these pompous cutesy wootsy playthings? I mean they resemble nothing that a dog would actually play with nor what you’d want it to play with. Seriously, you dog can do without a “iPaw,” “iBone,” “Pawda Handbag,” and an “American Barxpress Card.”

4. Decorative Pet Tattoos or Pet Piercings

Now getting a tattoo to memorialize a furry friend is one thing. However, getting your pet a tattoo (or piercing) is just fucking insane (except if it's for identification). Now such practices are popular in Russia and parts of Asia, but in New York State it's mostly banned and considered animal abuse.

Now getting a tattoo to memorialize a furry friend is one thing. However, getting your pet a tattoo (or piercing) is just fucking insane (except if it’s for identification). Now such practices are popular in Russia and parts of Asia, but in New York State it’s mostly banned and considered animal abuse.

5. Bowser Beer for Dogs

Yes, this is beer for dogs. Seriously, just because dogs are man's best friend, doesn't mean we should make them our drinking buddies. Of course, there are other brands like Happy Tail Ale, Flying Dog Beer, and other brands. Yes, it's a stupid concept but there's money in it.

Yes, this is beer for dogs. Seriously, just because dogs are man’s best friend, doesn’t mean we should make them our drinking buddies. Of course, there are other brands like Happy Tail Ale, Flying Dog Beer, and other brands. Yes, it’s a stupid concept but there’s money in it.

6. Dog Hot Tub

Okay, now if most people can do without their own home jacuzzi, I'm sure their pets don't need one either. Seriously, why do these things even exist?

Okay, now if most people can do without their own home jacuzzi, I’m sure their pets don’t need one either. Seriously, why do these things even exist?

7. Litter Robot

Now a self-cleaning litter box may seem like a great idea. But a self-cleaning litter box that resembles a space capsule? And for $399 from SkyMall? Please.

Now a self-cleaning litter box may seem like a great idea. But a self-cleaning litter box that resembles a space capsule? And for $399 from SkyMall? Please.

8. PetZen DogTread Motorized Exercise Treadmill

If you want to exercise your dog but have things to do, why don't you just hire a dog walker? I'm sure your dog will enjoy it much more than this gadget.

If you want to exercise your dog but have things to do, why don’t you just hire a dog walker? I’m sure your dog will enjoy it much more than this gadget.

9. Doggie Bjorn

Just because your pup may be your baby, doesn't mean you have to treat it like one, especially outside. Seriously, just get a leash for God's sake and don't worry about it dirtying its paws.

Just because your pup may be your baby, doesn’t mean you have to treat it like one, especially outside. Seriously, just get a leash for God’s sake and don’t worry about it dirtying its paws.

10. Woof Brew

Now I've heard of little girls dressing their dogs for tea time with their toys. But this is ridiculous. Seriously, does Elizabeth II have dog tea for her corgis? No, and neither should you.

Now I’ve heard of little girls dressing their dogs for tea time with their toys. But this is ridiculous. Seriously, does Elizabeth II have dog tea for her corgis? No, and neither should you.

11. Dog Thongs

It also functions as a doggy diaper as well, which is said to absorb odors from farts (and dog farts really do stink). But still, would any sane dog owner want to subject their pooch to such humiliation? Does it come with a tramp stamp butterfly tattoo and a propensity to make out with frat boys?

It also functions as a doggy diaper as well, which is said to absorb odors from farts (and dog farts really do stink). But still, would any sane dog owner want to subject their pooch to such humiliation? Does it come with a tramp stamp butterfly tattoo and a propensity to make out with frat boys?

12. Premier Feather Tether Bird Harness

Now your feathered friend can enjoy the great outdoors without flying away with this bird harness. If your bird needs exercise, why don't you just let it fly around the house (with the doors closed of course)?

Now your feathered friend can enjoy the great outdoors without flying away with this bird harness. If your bird needs exercise, why don’t you just let it fly around the house (with the doors closed of course)?

13. Pet Paint

Sure your want your pet to get noticed in bright colors, but it will also make your dog look like a complete idiot and hate you. Of course, there's pet dyeing which is popular in China, but that trend is considered animal abuse by veterinarians in America.

Sure your want your pet to get noticed in bright colors, but it will also make your dog look like a complete idiot and hate you. Of course, there’s pet dyeing which is popular in China, but that trend is considered animal abuse by veterinarians in America.

14. PetZoom Pet Park Dog Potty Mat

Now I'm sure having your dog do its business on artificial turf is a great idea. Then again, I wouldn't know because I live in the country, where nature serves as a dog's toilet.

Now I’m sure having your dog do its business on artificial turf is a great idea. Then again, I wouldn’t know because I live in the country, where nature serves as a dog’s toilet.

15. Pup Poop Tent

Yes, this is a pup tent for your dog. For pooping. As if your dog really cares about privacy when nature calls, which is just a pile of dogshit. Seriously, dogs pee and take dumps in front of each other. They don't give a shit about privacy for God's sake, even in crappy weather.

Yes, this is a pup tent for your dog. For pooping. As if your dog really cares about privacy when nature calls, which is just a pile of dogshit. Seriously, dogs pee and take dumps in front of each other. They certainly don’t care if you have to watch them. Seriously, if they can poop somewhere and get away with it, they will and they don’t care if you have to watch.

16. Birdhouse Spy Cam Hawk Eye Miniature Nature Cam for Wildlife Viewing

Sure this product has nothing to do with pets, but still, I can just as easily watch birds in a nest in my backyard if I want to. I'm not a nature cinematographer so why would I need a bird house equipped with a surveillance camera?

Sure this product has nothing to do with pets, but still, I can just as easily watch birds in a nest in my backyard if I want to. I’m not a nature cinematographer so why would I need a bird house equipped with a surveillance camera?

17. Bowlingual & Meowlingual, Cat & Dog Translators

You know how the dogs had those translators from Up. Well, they don't work quite like that but Japan has managed to make devices like these. Yeah, kind of makes me disappointed.

You know how the dogs had those translators from Up. Well, they don’t work quite like that but Japan has managed to make devices like these. Yeah, kind of makes me disappointed.

18. The Cat Scratch DJ Table

This is the kind of cat toy that was probably invented by someone who's seen way too many cat videos on YouTube. Yes. DJ Muffenmits is in da house!

This is the kind of cat toy that was probably invented by someone who’s seen way too many cat videos on YouTube. Yes. DJ Muffenmits is in da house!

19. Inflatable Cat Unicorn Horn.

Now all we need is to color it with some pet spray paint and your cat is sure to hate you forever. Seems to be seething with rage already.

Now all we need is to color it with some pet spray paint and your cat is sure to hate you forever. Seems to be seething with rage already.

20. Yoga Cat Mat

Now I may not know much about cats as I do about dogs. But how exactly does a cat do yoga? Seriously, I really want to know how that works. I mean they have cat yoga mats.

Now I may not know much about cats as I do about dogs. But how exactly does a cat do yoga? Seriously, I really want to know how that works. I mean they have cat yoga mats.

21. Dog Camper Van

You know most campgrounds don't allow pets. So why would anyone in their right mind would dump $800 on this? Seriously, why?

You know most campgrounds don’t allow pets. So why would anyone in their right mind would dump $800 on this? Seriously, why?

22. Thundershirt

Basically this is meant to control your pet's anxiety, by basically crushing them until they stop whining. Well, if you buy one of those, you're basically too lazy for a pet anyway.

Basically this is meant to control your pet’s anxiety, by basically crushing them until they stop whining. Well, if you buy one of those, you’re basically too lazy for a pet anyway.

23. The Dog-O-Matic Dog Washing Machine

Basically, this device is supposed to wash your dog so you don't have to. Of course, this also doubles as an animal torture device. Yes, I'm sure Fifi will now confess to eating the biscuits and never look forward to bath time again after this.

Basically, this device is supposed to wash your dog so you don’t have to. Of course, this also doubles as an animal torture device. Yes, I’m sure Fifi will now confess to eating the biscuits and never look forward to bath time again after this.

24. Cat Tunnel Sofa

Sure having a tunnel sofa for a cat might seem like a good idea. But imagine what a pain it would be to clean the thing. You're probably better off with a regular couch.

Sure having a tunnel sofa for a cat might seem like a good idea. But imagine what a pain it would be to clean the thing. You’re probably better off with a regular couch.

25. “Fluo-Can” Fluorescent Dog Biscuits

Now would you eat food that glows in the dark? No, because you'd find it freaky and suspect it having radiation. So why would you want to feed your dog glow in the dark biscuits? Seriously, why?

Now would you eat food that glows in the dark? No, because you’d find it freaky and suspect it having radiation. So why would you want to feed your dog glow in the dark biscuits? Seriously, why?

26. Pet Jewelry

Now in a country where there are thousands of people starving and dogs wishing for warm homes in animal shelters, some Pepe la Poodle is sporting a Tiffany necklace and Swarovski pet hair clips, costing more than my house. Seriously, all that pet jewelry does is make their owners look like the rich, greedy jerks they are.

Now in a country where there are thousands of people starving and dogs wishing for warm homes in animal shelters, some Pepe la Poodle is sporting a Tiffany necklace and Swarovski pet hair clips, costing more than my house. Seriously, all that pet jewelry does is make their owners look like the rich, greedy jerks they are.

27. Dog Wine

And I thought dog beer was stupid. Now they have dog wine. If you feel like you need to spend a candlelight and wine dinner with your dog, what does that say about you? Of course, vintages consist of Pinot Tail-io, Bark-deaux, Char-Dog-Nay and Grr-lot.

And I thought dog beer was stupid. Now they have dog wine. If you feel like you need to spend a candlelight and wine dinner with your dog, what does that say about you? Of course, vintages consist of Pinot Tail-io, Bark-deaux, Char-Dog-Nay and Grr-lot.

28. Bacon Bubble Machine

Sure you might want to blow bubbles with your dog. Yet, bacon scented bubbles will just give your dog false hope for bacon. Seriously, it's just cruel.

Sure you might want to blow bubbles with your dog. Yet, bacon scented bubbles will just give your dog false hope for bacon. Seriously, it’s just cruel.

29. Luxury Dog House

Jesus Christ, the pooch who lives here seems to have it much better than I do. Seriously, there are people who don't live as good as this. For God's sake, dogs really don't need all that.

Jesus Christ, the pooch who lives here seems to have it much better than I do. Seriously, there are people who don’t live as good as this. For God’s sake, dogs really don’t need all that.

30. Airpress O2

Do you and your dog live in China? If not, then I'd hold on to your 2 million yen if I were you. Seriously, oxygen bars for people are just a past fad back who knows when. So I'm not sure why you should subject your dog to the same treatment.

Do you and your dog live in China? If not, then I’d hold on to your 2 million yen if I were you. Seriously, oxygen bars for people are just a past fad back who knows when. So I’m not sure why you should subject your dog to the same treatment.

31. Cat Bib

This is supposed to keep your cat from hunting birds. Effective? I wouldn't bet on it. Humiliating? I'll say.

This is supposed to keep your cat from hunting birds. Effective? I wouldn’t bet on it. Humiliating? I’ll say.

32. Designer Pet Clothes

And to think designer children's clothing was ridiculous enough. Seriously, dogs and cats don't need clothes most of the time for God's sake. Stick with a child's old sweater or a ripped T-shirt instead.

And to think designer children’s clothing was ridiculous enough. Seriously, dogs and cats don’t need clothes most of the time for God’s sake. Stick with a child’s old sweater or a ripped T-shirt instead.

33. Pet Master PDA

Sure it might be convenient such as organizing your pet's schedule. But it might make you wonder who's the real master in your and your pet's relationship.

Sure it might be convenient such as organizing your pet’s schedule. But it might make you wonder who’s the real master in your and your pet’s relationship.

34. Pet Pavilion

For those who think a perfect pet setting is an incubator reserved for scientific experiments. That, or a critter Intensive Care Unit. Seriously, if your little dog is sick, just take it to a vet and spare the $10,000.

For those who think a perfect pet setting is an incubator reserved for scientific experiments. That, or a critter Intensive Care Unit. Seriously, if your little dog is sick, just take it to a vet and spare the $10,000.

35. Litter Kwitter

Tired of cleaning litter boxes? Wanting to potty train your cat? Well, say hello to Litter Kwitter Cat Toilet Training System. As with getting your cat to use it, well, good luck with that.

Tired of cleaning litter boxes? Wanting to potty train your cat? Well, say hello to Litter Kwitter Cat Toilet Training System. As with getting your cat to use it, well, good luck with that.

36. Goldfish Walker

If you think your goldfish needs some space, why don't you just buy a bigger tank for God's sake? Seriously, goldfish only live for a few years at the most and swim in the water most of the time. As to why anyone would feel the need for a goldfish walker is beyond me.

If you think your goldfish needs some space, why don’t you just buy a bigger tank for God’s sake? Seriously, goldfish only live for a few years at the most and swim in the water most of the time. As to why anyone would feel the need for a goldfish walker is beyond me.

37. Kitty Wigs

Now I'm sure Kitty here really isn't appreciating this photo op. Seriously, pets aren't dolls, people! Would you want someone to put a funky wig on you? Of course, not!

Now I’m sure Kitty here really isn’t appreciating this photo op. Seriously, pets aren’t dolls, people! Would you want someone to put a funky wig on you? Of course, not!

38. Frosty Paws Ice Cream

Dog ice cream? Seriously?  Do you think dogs go for that? Please, just spend that money on dog treats, bacon, and steak. I mean dogs are more likely to look forward to leftover dinner scraps than this.

Dog ice cream? Seriously? Do you think dogs go for that? Please, just spend that money on dog treats, bacon, and steak. I mean dogs are more likely to look forward to leftover dinner scraps than this.

39. Kong Stuff’n Paste

Basically this is doggie Cheez-Whiz, which you can put in your dog's Kong toy. Yes, your dog might go nuts for it but how about when the meaty chunks fester in the Kong toy creating bacteria? Yeah, that would be a bitch to clean up.

Basically this is doggie Cheez-Whiz, which you can put in your dog’s Kong toy. Yes, your dog might go nuts for it but how about when the meaty chunks fester in the Kong toy creating bacteria? Yeah, that would be a bitch to clean up.

40. Neuticles

These are silicon testicular implants for the male dogs whose naughty bits have been snipped by the vet so to speak. If you wish to neuter Rocko and your spouse is against the idea, then these are for you.

These are silicon testicular implants for the male dogs whose naughty bits have been snipped by the vet so to speak. If you wish to have Rocko neutered and your spouse is against the idea, then these are for you.

41. Katio

Now this is a contraption that creates an outdoor patio for your cat. Install it like you would an air conditioner. Then again, you're probably better off putting an air conditioner through your window than this thing.

Now this is a contraption that creates an outdoor patio for your cat. Install it like you would an air conditioner. Then again, you’re probably better off putting an air conditioner through your window than this thing.

42. Designer Dog Handbag

Yes, I'm sure your dog has a deep burning desire to imitate Kim Kardashian. Of course, why your pooch would need a fancy schmancy Park Avenue purse is beyond me.

Yes, I’m sure your dog has a deep burning desire to imitate Kim Kardashian (sarcasm). Of course, why your pooch would need a fancy schmancy Park Avenue purse is beyond me.

43. Nail Pawlish

For the owner who wants to put the

For the owner who wants to put the “pet” in pedicure. Sure this will make your pet’s claws look pretty. But I wonder how the owners would fare after being mauled by their technicolor clawed animals.

44. Pet Chime

Yes, barking and scratching are really annoying. But forcing your dog to quietly ring the doorbell if it wants to go outside, are you kidding me? Just let it be a dog for God's sake.

Yes, barking and scratching are really annoying. But forcing your dog to quietly ring the doorbell if it wants to go outside, are you kidding me? Just let it be a dog for God’s sake.

45. Pet Corrector

This

This “ear bleeding bull horn” is a way to terrify your pet into hating you as you sound the thing when it barks unexpectedly. Yeah, trying to instill doggie discipline through that thing makes it want to rip your legs off.

46. Healthlab Digital Body Fat Scale

I'm well aware that many dogs suffer from obesity, but still do you really need this? If your dog is overweight, your vet will tell you. Otherwise, just give it plenty of exercise and keep it off junk food.

I’m well aware that many dogs suffer from obesity, but still do you really need this? If your dog is overweight, your vet will tell you. Otherwise, just give it plenty of exercise and keep it off junk food.

47. Pooch Pants

Basically it's a dog diaper. Yeah, make it crap the shit out so you'd have to clean dried poop from its rear end. Still, it's machine washable if you're wondering.

Basically it’s a dog diaper. Yeah, make it crap the shit out so you’d have to clean dried poop from its rear end. Still, it’s machine washable if you’re wondering.

48. Pet Sweep

And I thought the Slipper Genie was bad. Sure it would be nice for Old Yeller to do some chores around the house. But put these on him and he's certain to secretly plan to kill his lazy ass owner on the couch.

And I thought the Slipper Genie was bad. Sure it would be nice for Old Yeller to do some chores around the house. But put these on him and he’s certain to secretly plan to kill his lazy ass owner on the couch.

49. Cat Wheel

It's like a hamster wheel, except that it's huge and serves no real purpose. Seriously, it's said you have to distract your cat with a cat toy to get it in this thing. Yeah, $100 isn't worth it.

It’s like a hamster wheel, except that it’s huge and serves no real purpose. Seriously, it’s said you have to distract your cat with a cat toy to get it in this thing. Yeah, $100 isn’t worth it.

50. Poop Trap

This is supposed to transfer the responsibility of cleanup from the owner to the dog. Of course, it also subjects the dog to walks of humiliation with no way to recapture its dignity. Seriously, I can't imagine what happens if the bag breaks.

This is supposed to transfer the responsibility of cleanup from the owner to the dog. Of course, it also subjects the dog to walks of humiliation with no way to recapture its dignity. Seriously, I can’t imagine what happens if the bag breaks.

51. Pet High Chair

Nothing makes your dog able to eat at the table than a chair that makes it completely immobilized. Yes, it's supposed to promote

Nothing makes your dog able to eat at the table than a chair that makes it completely immobilized. Yes, it’s supposed to promote “refined behavior” but I’m sure it will suffer an occasional bout of panicked urination.

52. Rear Gear Butt Ornaments

For those who can't stand the sight of a dog's rear end, there's a cover for that, folks. Seriously, can't you just let a dog be a dog for God's sake. Certainly dog's deserved to be spared from such indignities that make other dogs laugh with them (as well as people).

For those who can’t stand the sight of a dog’s rear end, there’s a cover for that, folks. Seriously, can’t you just let a dog be a dog for God’s sake. Certainly dog’s deserved to be spared from such indignities that make other dogs laugh with them (as well as people).

53. PetsCell

To be fair, this would be great for your dog if you live in a really bad neighborhood or next to Cruella DeVil. I mean it's a way to call your pet while you're away from home. Imagine all the one sided conversations you two will have.

To be fair, this would be great for your dog if you live in a really bad neighborhood or next to Cruella DeVil. I mean it’s a way to call your pet while you’re away from home. Imagine all the one sided conversations you two will have.

54. Doggles

Yeah, I'm sure Buddy wants to be seen at the beach with those embarrassing Doggles. Not. Other than that, there's no other way how to convey the stupidity pertaining to this product.

Yeah, I’m sure Buddy wants to be seen at the beach with those embarrassing Doggles. Not. Other than that, there’s no other way how to convey the stupidity pertaining to this product.

55. Pet Stroller

You may see your pet as your precious baby, but they aren't children nor should be treated as such. Also, I'm sure your precious Brichon Frise could certainly walk on its own. Seriously, no pet wants to go to the park pushed on a stroller.

You may see your pet as your precious baby, but they aren’t children nor should be treated as such. Also, I’m sure your precious Brichon Frise could certainly walk on its own. Seriously, no sane pet wants to go to the park pushed on a stroller.

56. Poop Freeze

After your dog poops, just spray it with this stuff before picking it up. Of course, what's even more fun than Poop Freeze? Basically having your dog poop in the yard and doing nothing about it.

After your dog poops, just spray it with this stuff before picking it up. Of course, what’s even more fun than Poop Freeze? Basically having your dog poop in the yard and doing nothing about it.

57. Croc Cat Bed

Sure cats need beds. But I don't know if a supersized croc bed really cuts it. Seriously, it just looks stupid like those shoes.

Sure cats need beds. But I don’t know if a supersized croc bed really cuts it. Seriously, it just looks stupid like those shoes.

58. “Hot Doll” Sex Toy for Dogs

Finally, the kind of toy for your dog to hump with. Of course, horny dogs basically hump on anything that moves if they can get away with it. So I don't why a dog sex toy is necessary.

Finally, the kind of toy for your dog to hump with. Of course, horny dogs basically hump on anything that moves if they can get away with it. So I don’t why a dog sex toy is necessary.

59. People Crackers for Dogs

Sure people enjoy animal crackers. So why shouldn't dogs have People crackers? Of course, they only come with mailman as far as I know.

Sure people enjoy animal crackers. So why shouldn’t dogs have People crackers? Of course, they only come with mailman as far as I know.

60. Fur Coat for Dogs

Seriously, dogs already come equipped with a fur coat from the time they're born. So why would anyone want to spend so much money on a doggie fur coat is mind boggling to me.

Seriously, dogs already come equipped with a fur coat from the time they’re born. So why would anyone want to spend so much money on a doggie fur coat is mind boggling to me.

61. Backyard Cat

This contraption is supposed to throw your kitty off balance if it should try to jump over the fence. Yeah, it's one of those outdoor torture devices you hear about. It's like attaching a cinder block to a toddler.

This contraption is supposed to throw your kitty off balance if it should try to jump over the fence. Yeah, it’s one of those outdoor torture devices you hear about. It’s like attaching a cinder block to a toddler.

62. Pet Peek

For the dog who wants to be at the other side of the fence, do you think it's helpful for making it see how the grass is greener? As your dog looks into the neighbor's yard, he will endure a lot of humiliation as it secretly plots revenge. Seriously, isn't this kind of tortuous?

For the dog who wants to be at the other side of the fence, do you think it’s helpful for making it see how the grass is greener? As your dog looks into the neighbor’s yard, he will endure a lot of humiliation as it secretly plots revenge. Seriously, isn’t this kind of tortuous?

63. Pet Digital Camera

Now this camera allows to see what your pet sees. Unfortunately, it results in a bunch of blurry shots of food bowls, floors, and other pets' behinds.

Now this camera allows to see what your pet sees. Unfortunately, it results in a bunch of blurry shots of food bowls, floors, and other pets’ behinds.

64. Puppy Tweets

This is supposed to translate your dog's activities into tweets. Now this begs the question: Who the hell sets up a Twitter account for their dog? Besides, they already have a way of social networking with other dogs. It's called pee.

This is supposed to translate your dog’s activities into tweets. Now this begs the question: Who the hell sets up a Twitter account for their dog? Besides, they already have a way of social networking with other dogs. It’s called pee.

65. “Sexy Beast” Dog Perfume

Now I've seen quite a few pet perfumes out there. However, they basically mess with your dog's senses. To them, dog perfume is basically an equivalent of you being forced to carry a large boombox around because the deaf caretakers didn't like the sound. And

Now I’ve seen quite a few pet perfumes out there. However, they basically mess with your dog’s senses. To them, dog perfume is basically an equivalent of you being forced to carry a large boombox around because the deaf caretakers didn’t like the sound. And “Sexy Beast” really?

66. Snake Walker

Yes, why not take your snake for a walk? now they could slither and frighten the living crap out of everyone in the neighborhood. And this is one of the early stupid pet products.

Yes, why not take your snake for a walk? now they could slither and frighten the living crap out of everyone in the neighborhood. And this is one of the early stupid pet products.

67. Dog Snuggie

Now a snuggie for people is one thing. But this is just insane. Seriously, if you're worried about your dog being cold and wet, just remember they're already equipped with an insulating material keeping them warm and dry. It's called fur.

Now a snuggie for people is one thing. But this is just insane. Seriously, if you’re worried about your dog being cold and wet, just remember they’re already equipped with an insulating material keeping them warm and dry. It’s called fur.

68. Turd Burglar

Now when your dog takes a dump, you can fling its shit at anyone or anything. Practice your golf game and hockey aim while making your dog's poo, your neighbor's problem.

Now when your dog takes a dump, you can fling its shit at anyone or anything. Practice your golf game and hockey aim while making your dog’s poo, your neighbor’s problem.

69. Cat Wine

If you think alcoholic drinks were just for dogs, you were wrong. Now the Japanese have come up with cat wine. Now the cats from the crazy cat lady's house can dine in style.

If you think alcoholic drinks were just for dogs, you were wrong. Now the Japanese have come up with cat wine. Now the cats from the crazy cat lady’s house can dine in style.

70. Pooch Pedometer

Now watching your weight is one thing. Watching your dog's weight? I don't know. Seriously, why does a thing like this even exist? From Japan.

Now watching your weight is one thing. Watching your dog’s weight? I don’t know. Seriously, why does a thing like this even exist? From Japan.

71. “Kitty Ditties, Cat Ballads, and Feline Airs”

Basically, this is music for cats you can get off iTunes. Such songs are supposed to convey the mood of your feline listener. Lord only knows what kinds of music cats actually enjoy.

Basically, this is music for cats you can get off iTunes. Such songs are supposed to convey the mood of your feline listener. Lord only knows what kinds of music cats actually enjoy.

72. Pupcasso Paint Kit for Dogs

Basically this kit allows your dog to express its creative side. Just have it dip their paws in and stomp on the white paper. But if they get paint all over the floor, don't blame me.

Basically this kit allows your dog to express its creative side. Just have it dip their paws in and stomp on the white paper. But if they get paint all over the floor, don’t blame me.

73. Pet Sweat

It's a fitness energy drink for pets. No, that's no mistranslation from Japanese. But why they thought pets needed a fitness drink is beyond me.

It’s a fitness energy drink for pets. No, that’s no mistranslation from Japanese. But why they thought pets needed a fitness drink is beyond me.

74.Swarovski Crystal Dog Sneakers

Seriously, your dog or cat can do just fine walking without shoes. I mean cats and dogs have been doing that for centuries. So why do we have sneakers for them?

Seriously, your dog or cat can do just fine walking without shoes. I mean cats and dogs have been doing that for centuries. So why do we have sneakers for them?

75. Fauna Sauna The Fauna Sauna Pro – Radiant Heat Panel for Pets

This object uses infared rays to heat your pet directly in front of the device. Doesn't have UV rays. Probably expensive as hell. Also comes as a bed.

This object uses infared rays to heat your pet directly in front of the device. Doesn’t have UV rays. Probably expensive as hell. Also comes as a bed.

76. Swarovski Cat Flap

Now having a cat flap is understandable. Having a cat flap encrusted with diamonds? Seriously, that's just insane. Surely your cat is fine with a regular rubber flap at the front door.

Now having a cat flap is understandable. Having a cat flap encrusted with diamonds? Seriously, that’s just insane. Surely your cat is fine with a regular rubber flap at the front door.

77. Wedding Chapel Dog House

If you think dumping tons of money for a wedding chapel is ridiculous, a dog wedding chapel? Seriously, dog weddings? Now that's just crazy. Dogs don't get married! So why they'd have weddings is beyond me.

If you think dumping tons of money for a wedding chapel is ridiculous, a dog wedding chapel? Seriously, dog weddings? Now that’s just crazy. Dogs don’t get married! So why they’d have weddings is beyond me.

78. Leopard Lace Dog Bra Chew Toy

I'm sure this was originally invented for one of Paris Hilton's stupid little lap dogs. Hey, it might make your guests a little uncomfortable but at least it's not you're going to wear this one.

I’m sure this was originally invented for one of Paris Hilton’s stupid little lap dogs. Hey, it might make your guests a little uncomfortable but at least it’s not you’re going to wear this one.

79. Diamond Dog Collar

Basically putting one of these things can show that you're rich enough to spoil your pet and have it wear jewelry. Diamond dog collars can be as much as $3 million but your dog is just as likely to chew it to pieces. Better to spend that much on a pile of bones.

Basically putting one of these things can show that you’re rich enough to spoil your pet and have it wear jewelry. Diamond dog collars can be as much as $3 million but your dog is just as likely to chew it to pieces. Better to spend that much on a pile of bones.

80. Feline Tiara

Yes, you want Precious Purfect to look like a princess. But please, put one of these on her, and you'll probably have to sleep with one eye open if it ever stays on. Might be useful for a cat beauty pageant, if one ever exists.

Yes, you want Precious Purfect to look like a princess. But please, put one of these on her, and you’ll probably have to sleep with one eye open if it ever stays on. Might be useful for a cat beauty pageant, if one ever exists.

Congratulations on Your Graduation Cake!

graduation-blue-bow-lg

While prom is a season many high schoolers look forward to in the spring, afterwards May and June are graduation season. It is a time when high school and college seniors among others gather around to finish their education with a ceremonious commencement ceremony in their cap and gowns before they embark on a hellish world of the job market and adulthood (save for those about to embark college). Sure you may have to say goodbye to friends, many of which you’ll never see again, but I’m sure your degree will guarantee you independence as well as an incentive to pay your student loans, right? Now we all know how graduation ceremonies are marked with speakers, “Pomp and Circumstance,” speeches, and all that. Of course, in families with a new graduate, this rite of passage is marked by a celebration with a cake, if you live in America. Now I can go on and on about nice graduation cakes, but many of you will think it boring. So instead I’ll give you cakes possibly decorated by someone who flunked out of cake decorating school. Yes, you’d wonder about the education these makers received to decorate cakes like this. So without further adieu, here are a collection of graduation confections gone catastrophic.

1. I bet Ashley from 2009 was either a chemistry or biology major. Congrads!

I hope she enjoys her cake with urine/beer on it. Either way, someone is going to get pissed. Also, I really don't want to know what's in the test tube.

I hope she enjoys her cake with urine/beer on it. Either way, someone is going to get pissed. Also, I really don’t want to know what’s in the test tube.

2. Congratulations, Ryan, for stopping on being a disappointment. Now was it that hard?

I have to wonder what kind of relationship Ryan has with his parents. Of course, his folks will probably be disappointed in him once more when he fails to get a job other than as a waiter at Red Lobster.

I have to wonder what kind of relationship Ryan has with his parents. Of course, his folks will probably be disappointed in him once more when he fails to get a job other than as a waiter at Red Lobster.

3. Congratulations on your MBA, Desiree, from the guy on the Dummies books.

Well, I'm sure these Dummies books aren't that bad. However, I'm not sure if I want to have a graduation cake of one. Might have unfortunate implications.

Well, I’m sure these Dummies books aren’t that bad. However, I’m not sure if I want to have a graduation cake of one. Might have unfortunate implications.

4. Congratulations, on completing your nursing degree, Nicole. Stick it to ’em, girl!

Of course, when it comes to sticking thermometers in rear ends, this is pretty mild in comparison. Still, I wonder what kind of cakes they had for her brothers, an ob/gyn and a urologist respectively.

Of course, when it comes to sticking thermometers in rear ends, this is pretty mild in comparison to what real nurses have to deal with in the hospital. Still, I wonder what my nursing school cousin would think about this.

5. Congratulations, Tiffany, Class of 2009. Here’s an ipod cake with an Eminem album.

Now while I have no problem with Eminem, this album really makes this graduation cake rather depressing. It's as if Tiffany's future is going to be rather bleak and depressing.

Now while I have no problem with Eminem, this album really makes this graduation cake rather depressing. It’s as if Tiffany’s future is going to be rather bleak and depressing.

6. “The tossel was worn with the hostle!” What?

While Abby may be a graduate, the cake decorator's strong suit certainly wasn't in spelling, reading, or English. Seriously, this is bound to give English teachers nightmares.

While Abby may be a graduate, the cake decorator’s strong suit certainly wasn’t in spelling, reading, or English. Seriously, this is bound to give English teachers nightmares.

7. Congratulations, valid Victorian!

From Cake Wrecks: "Prithee, lord Westerbunkle, wouldst thou care for a celebratory spot of Earl Grey?" Yeah, this is the kind of graduation cake for someone who loves Steampunk.

From Cake Wrecks: “Prithee, lord Westerbunkle, wouldst thou care for a celebratory spot of Earl Grey?” Yeah, this is the kind of graduation cake for someone who loves Steampunk.

8. When it comes to putting initials on graduation cakes, you might want to wonder if they have any unfortunate context.

When I see KKK, I think about white supremacy, racism, lynching, scary white robes, Birth of a Nation, cross burnings, and racially motivated terrorism. Not, "Good Luck!," "Live, Laugh, and Love," "Dream Big," and "We are so Proud!" Seriously, why?

When I see KKK, I think about white supremacy, racism, lynching, scary white robes, Birth of a Nation, cross burnings, and racially motivated terrorism. Not, “Good Luck!,” “Live, Laugh, and Love,” “Dream Big,” and “We are so Proud!” Seriously, why?

9. Congratulations on your graduation, here is your cap and…..diploma. Wait a minute, is that a severed finger?

Seriously, the diploma looks as like a severed finger with a ribbon tied on it. Apparently, someone is very bad at drawing a scroll or forgot to put a swirl on the top just so it doesn't horrify us.

Seriously, the diploma looks as like a severed finger with a ribbon tied on it. Apparently, someone is very bad at drawing a scroll or forgot to put a swirl on the top just so it doesn’t horrify us.

10. Congratulations, but just the fax, ma’am.

Interesting how some decorators tend to inscribe their cakes with everything they seem to hear on the phone. Seriously, I wonder what the graduate would think seeing this on a cake for their party.

Interesting how some decorators tend to inscribe their cakes with everything they seem to hear on the phone. Seriously, I wonder what the graduate would think seeing this on a cake for their party.

11. Congratulations, class of 2012, hope some ass doesn’t try to piss you off.

From Cake Wrecks: "In 2012 bakers broadened their horizons by combining the fine art of Dali-esque surrealism with a post-modern monochromatic aesthetic: I call it, "Tar Donkey Butt-Peeing."" Seriously, it really does look like that.

From Cake Wrecks: “In 2012 bakers broadened their horizons by combining the fine art of Dali-esque surrealism with a post-modern monochromatic aesthetic: I call it, “Tar Donkey Butt-Peeing.”” Seriously, it really does look like that.

12. Hats off, class of 2009!

I didn't know that grad caps came with ear flaps. Since I didn't have grad caps that came with those back in 2008 or 2012. Must be a Canadian thing.

I didn’t know that grad caps came with ear flaps. Since I didn’t have grad caps that came with those back in 2008 or 2012. Must be a Canadian thing.

13. Congratulations, Olivia. Hope you passed with flying colors.

I sure don't want to know what this unicorn passed with flying colors. Looks like the rainbow is coming out of its rear end, which makes a rather disgusting connection between rainbows and unicorns.

I sure don’t want to know what this unicorn passed with flying colors. Looks like the rainbow is coming out of its rear end, which makes a rather disgusting connection between rainbows and unicorns.

14. Congratulations, Chris, have a Crown Royal!

Just make sure you're not posting any drunk photos on Facebook. Because employers do check your social network pages. And posting wasted pictures can deny you a job.

Just make sure you’re not posting any drunk photos on Facebook. Because employers do check your social network pages. And posting wasted pictures can deny you a job.

15. Congratulations, and let’s hope the zombie apocalypse isn’t coming any time soon.

Yeah, your brain is worth $30,000. Your college education would be a waste if zombies ate you or went after you for your brains.

Yeah, your brain is worth $30,000. Your college education would be a waste if zombies ate you or went after you for your brains.

16. Congratulations, from the Cthulhu School of Necronomic Evil, Oblivion, and World Domination.

Yeah, I'm sure little children won't get the reference on this cake. Still, not sure if it's appropriate for graduation.

Yeah, I’m sure little children won’t get the reference on this cake. Still, not sure if it’s appropriate for graduation.

17. Congratulations, have a cold one.

Now I have to admire how they used Bud Light beer cans and ice for this cake as a cooler. Still, let's hope it's for college graduation, please.

Now I have to admire how they used Bud Light beer cans and ice for this cake as a cooler. Still, let’s hope it’s for college graduation, please.

18. Congratulations on your graduation, Mr. Jason Tibbles!

Sure this is a graduation cake with LOLcats, but still, it's quite funny having a cat picture on a graduation cake. Nevertheless, I hope Mr. Tibbles didn't overdo on the catnip with his Alpha Theta Meow fraternity brothers.

Sure this is a graduation cake with LOLcats, but still, it’s quite funny having a cat picture on a graduation cake. Nevertheless, I hope Mr. Tibbles didn’t overdo on the catnip with his Alpha Theta Meow fraternity brothers.

19. Congratulations, Christina in the banner. Wait, what?

I'm sure this is another cake decorator who takes things too literally. Also, probably sucked at reading comprehension, listening, and following directions.

I’m sure this is another cake decorator who takes things too literally. Also, probably sucked at reading comprehension, listening, and following directions.

20. Congratulations, class of 2009 from frog licking traffic sign.

Yes, it's supposed to be a graduation cap. But it looks like a sign you'd see on the Interstate during roadwork season after school is out. At least if you live in Pennsylvania.

Yes, it’s supposed to be a graduation cap. But it looks like a sign you’d see on the Interstate during roadwork season followed by a group of guys from PennDOT. At least if you live in Pennsylvania.

21. In higher education, time loses all meaning.

Either that, or having a cake with word salad this bad probably means that the decorator at Wal Mart should be fired.

Either that, or having a cake with word salad this bad probably means that the decorator at Wal Mart should be fired.

22. Congratulations, Crystal. By the way, use protection. Just an FYI.

Yeah, the tassel looks like a piece of litter, I'd see at the cemetery where I live. Assuming that some people think cemeteries are great spots Sunday afternoon tryst.

Yeah, the tassel looks like a piece of litter, I’d see at the cemetery where I live. Assuming that some people think cemeteries are great spots Sunday afternoon tryst.

23. Class of 2007, rocks! Fireworks explosion.

Apparently, this decorator either couldn't draw fireworks with icing, or just took the directions too literally. Thus, adding lameness to a cake that could've been awesome.

Apparently, this decorator either couldn’t draw fireworks with icing, or just took the directions too literally. Thus, adding lameness to a cake that could’ve been awesome.

24. Congratulations, Torianne on your graduation. Great Gatsby!

Seriously, I'm not sure The Great Gatsby is the kind of book you put on a graduation cake. Seriously, it's a book about a guy who changes his whole identity and gets rich through bootlegging so he could win the heart of his ex-girlfriend who's already married with a kid. Also, decorator failed to follow directions.

Seriously, I’m not sure The Great Gatsby is the kind of book you put on a graduation cake. Seriously, it’s a book about a guy who changes his whole identity and gets rich through bootlegging so he could win the heart of his ex-girlfriend who’s already married with a kid. Also, decorator failed to follow directions.

25. Class of 2008: I want sprinkles!

Yeah, seems like another decorator flunked reading comprehension, listening, and following directions. I think this person wanted sprinkles on a cake, not the words, "I want sprinkles!"

Yeah, seems like another decorator flunked reading comprehension, listening, and following directions. I think this person wanted sprinkles on a cake, not the words, “I want sprinkles!”

26. Congratulations, on graduating medical school! Well, job done, Dr. Huskins!

Seems like this cake decorator has no understanding of English or that Yoda took a side job as a commercial cake decorator at Wal Mart.

Seems like this cake decorator has no understanding of English or that Yoda took a side job as a commercial cake decorator at Wal Mart.

27. Happy graduation day, from the evil blonde girl in the cap and gown.

Of course, she probably has a job lined up for her at her dad's company, no doubt. Still, this girl seems like she's hiding something sinister under her robes.

Of course, she probably has a job lined up for her at her dad’s company, no doubt. Still, this girl seems like she’s hiding something sinister under her robes.

28. Congrats, John ’08. Oh, no, that ain’t right.

Seems like the graduate is doing a really terrible thing to the school mascot. Now if I had cake like this at my grad party, let's say it wouldn't go well with my relatives with young children.

Seems like the graduate is doing a really terrible thing to the school mascot. Now if I had cake like this at my grad party, let’s say it wouldn’t go well with my relatives with young children.

29. Finally! Congratulations, Becky! Kick Ass!

Seriously, you'd think Becky's parents would have a less creepy photo of her from her childhood. Guess I was wrong. I mean this little girl in make up seems absolutely terrifying to me.

Seriously, you’d think Becky’s parents would have a less creepy photo of her from her childhood. Guess I was wrong. I mean this little girl in make up seems absolutely terrifying to me.

30. Congratulations! Wait, that’s supposed to be a cap, right?

To me, they resemble 2 overlapping boxes with a string on the top one. Guess this decorator seemed to fail art class in school.

To me, they resemble 2 overlapping boxes with a string on the top one. Guess this decorator seemed to fail art class in school.

31. Congratulations on your graduation from mortuary school, Jenny.

Sure a hearse cake might be appropriate for someone who graduated from a mortuary school and plans on being a funeral director. But it's still kind of disturbing.

Sure a hearse cake might be appropriate for someone who graduated from a mortuary school and plans on being a funeral director. But it’s still kind of disturbing.

32. Congratulations, from the pointed pencil.

For how yellow this pencil is, you'd almost mistake it for a banana. And you know what that means.

For how yellow this pencil is, you’d almost mistake it for a banana. Still, if it weren’t for the point, I would’ve mistook it for something else and let’s leave it at that.

33. Congratulations, Holly and Hannah from 2 cherries projectile vomiting on a picnic table.

Now that certainly doesn't look like a graduation cap to me. Besides, I need an old cherry pitter and a young cherry pitter.

Now that certainly doesn’t look like a graduation cap to me. Besides, I need an old cherry pitter and a young cherry pitter, please.

34. Congratulations, graduate and don’t forget your hood.

Either this person got graduation cap and hood mixed up or is a Star Wars fan. Well, I'm sure Galactic Senate guards have graduation ceremonies, too.

Either this person got graduation cap and hood mixed up or is a Star Wars fan. Well, I’m sure Galactic Senate guards have graduation ceremonies, too.

35. Here’s to you Class of 2009, and we hope you’ll meet your death as blood spattered innocents.

Man, melted icing sure can create gory effects, even when it's not needed. Seriously, that looks like blood and more suited for Halloween than graduation.

Man, melted icing sure can create gory effects, even when it’s not needed. Seriously, that looks like blood and more suited for Halloween than graduation.

36. For those grads wanting to put a stamp of their religious views, you might not want a cake from this bakery.

Communion, on your knees, seriously? That doesn't look good. Why can't the communion cake figures have the parishioner standing, for God's sake? I mean it would be way less creepier.

Communion on your knees, seriously? That doesn’t look good. Why can’t the communion cake figures have the parishioner standing, for God’s sake? I mean it would be way less creepier.

37. For those compelled to have a photo of their grad on a cake, either go wit the “boring” or the “greened silhouette” option.

This is also a great option for grads in the Witness Protection Program like mafia princesses, for instance. That or reformed gang bangers who've recently moved to another state.

This is also a great option for grads in the Witness Protection Program like mafia princesses, for instance. That or reformed gang bangers who’ve recently moved to another state.

38. For those who want to send their grad a heartfelt message, this is for you.

What the fuck would anyone buy a graduation cake like this? It looks like a stripper's backside for God's sake! Seriously, do these parents have any idea how inappropriate a cake like this is for graduation?

What the fuck would anyone buy a graduation cake like this? It looks like a stripper’s backside for God’s sake! Seriously, do these parents have any idea how inappropriate a cake like this is for graduation? I mean, why?

39. When it comes to sending a picture for your graduation cake, remember that some people are less tech savvy than others.

I'm sure this person seemed to put a photo of the whole file as if it came from a Wikipedia entry. Definitely not computer savvy at all. Decorator should be fired.

I’m sure this person seemed to put a photo of the whole file as if it came from a Wikipedia entry. Definitely not computer savvy at all. Decorator should be fired.

40. Congratulations, Class of 2009 of Whoville University.

Seriously, the diploma scroll looks like a Dr. Seuss hat and the confetti squiggles are incomprehensible. Seriously, that doesn't look like a scroll at all.

Seriously, the diploma scroll looks like a Dr. Seuss hat and the confetti squiggles are incomprehensible. Seriously, that doesn’t look like a scroll at all.

41. Don’t screw up, Julianne!

Of course, this great advice but is it really appropriate for a graduation cake? Seriously, either Julianne really doesn't care about her future or she's working on Wall Street.

Of course, this great advice but is it really appropriate for a graduation cake? Seriously, either Julianne really doesn’t care about her future or she’s working on Wall Street.

42. Congratulations, Laura, wait is that a cat on her head?

I think this one made the news. I think the family wanted a cap on this girl's head for her graduation cake. Guess there was some misunderstanding with the order.

I think this one made the news. I think the family wanted a cap on this girl’s head for her graduation cake. Guess there was some misunderstanding with the order.

43. Congratulations, Andrea. By the way, you’re going to die.

Sure some girls might major in medicine or have a thing with the macabre. But that doesn't mean you should put a skeleton on a graduation cake. I mean, that's just messed up.

Sure some girls might major in medicine or have a thing with the macabre. But that doesn’t mean you should put a skeleton on a graduation cake. I mean, that’s just messed up.

44. Congratulations, graduating to the Dark Side of the Force.

Now this just has to be one of the worst renditions of Darth Vader I've ever seen. Besides, the cap is way too small for him.

Now this just has to be one of the worst renditions of Darth Vader I’ve ever seen. Besides, the cap is way too small for him.

45. For those who thought the baby carrots shower cake was creepy, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Yes, here's a graduation cake of naked babies on carrots. But this time they have caps and diplomas. Talk about creepy if you know what I mean. Yes, this is the stuff of nightmares.

Yes, here’s a graduation cake of naked babies on carrots. But this time they have caps and diplomas. Talk about creepy if you know what I mean. Yes, this is the stuff of nightmares.

46. Congratulations, from the green I-Beam thingy.

This is: A. a green dog bone or chew toy, B. a green Corinthian column, C. a dumbell, or D. All of the above. Then again, I don't want to know.

This is: A. a green dog bone or chew toy, B. a green Corinthian column, C. a dumbell, or D. All of the above. Then again, I don’t want to know.

47. Congratulations, graduate, from the Doric column or the golden tornado.

Sure it's for people who like things a little twisted. But I'm don't want to run into something like that in Kansas. Yeah, that thing should just get the hell off my lawn!

Sure it’s for people who like things a little twisted. But I’m don’t want to run into something like that in Kansas. Yeah, that thing should just get the hell off my lawn!

48. Congratulations, by the way, flattened turtle says hello.

Now the shell seems a little flat but the turtle really doesn't seem to mind. Of course, this kind of disturbs me for some reason.

Now the shell seems a little flat but the turtle really doesn’t seem to mind. Of course, this kind of disturbs me for some reason.

49. Congratulations, Jason, all downloaded and ready for viewing.

I know this is supposed to be an equation and maybe done on purpose. But I'm not sure if the guy's relatives would get it. Rather, many would complain of why don't they just get a normal cake.

I know this is supposed to be an equation and maybe done on purpose. But I’m not sure if the guy’s relatives would get it. Rather, many would complain of why don’t they just get a normal cake.

50. So remember, when it comes to cake roses, black may not be it.

Sorry, but the black roses on this cake look like shit. And by "shit" I don't mean bad. I mean the roses actually look like shit.

Sorry, but the black roses on this cake look like shit. And by “shit” I don’t mean bad. I mean the roses actually look like shit. Oh, and one of the letters is wrong.

Fictional Health Conditions

Disclaimer: This only lists medical conditions you’d find in fiction which most likely bear no resemblance to real life whatsoever. So don’t take any of it as medical advice. Presidential aging is the notable exception since that’s derived from how US presidents age in office but live to be 90 years old.

Fatal and Severe Illness:

Sorry, but people who die of a serious illness don't look like that at all. Seriously, Bette Davis should look like absolute hell by this time in the movie.

Sorry, but people who die of a serious illness don’t look like that at all. Seriously, Bette Davis should look like absolute hell by this time in the movie. But this is what Ali McGraw’s Disease looks like.

Ali McGraw’s Disease-illness which causes the sufferer to become more beautiful as death approaches. Mostly tends to infect attractive young women with boyfriends, particularly in historical settings.

Incurable Cough of Death-symptom that signifies that a character has what will lead to weakness and manifest itself as a terminal illness. This is especially the case in a lot tuberculosis sufferers in 19th century literature and opera. Also the case when the sufferer coughs up blood.

La Boheme Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character is able to do an incredibly good solo as they are wasting away from a fatal respiratory illness.

Victorian Novel Disease-basically this pertains to a combination of Incurable Cough of Death and Ali McGraw’s Disease. Yet, while it’s terminal, it has no effect on the character’s beauty or their ability to perform. Still, while this illness slowly kills its sufferers, their proximity to the eternal will give them immense wisdom and insight and be never ending sources of advice and comfort to their loved ones. And when they finally slip away, those around them will smile through their tears and rejoice that their souls are now free from this shitty world. Mostly tends to inflict young women and teenage girls known to be always innocent and pure. This is especially the case for such women who have boyfriends or reside in 19th century literature or opera.

Soap Opera Disease-a vaguely defined chronic disease. Often exhibits vague symptoms as well as fatal, but can linger on for a very long time. Sometimes results in a lengthy coma and perhaps a radical change in the victim’s appearance in non-fatal variants. Yet, in most fatal cases, often manifests itself as Ali McGraw’s Disease in the later stages. Often infects characters in daytime soap operas, particularly women.

Childhood Cancer Syndrome-a symptom that makes a severely ill child’s sole existence in the story to tug at the audience’s heartstrings. Often immune to anything other than the disease that will eventually kill them (unless the writer wants to punch the audience’s guts). Sufferers often tend to be wise beyond their years as well as make athletes swear to win a game or match for them, never taking to mind the negative repercussions if they fail to do this. Mostly tends to manifest in children who haven’t hit puberty yet.

Tiny Tim Syndrome-a symptom similar to Childhood Cancer Syndrome in which a chronically ill child’s chief purpose is to inspire some rich jerk into changing his ways so the kid could receive the medical treatment their parents can’t afford.
Dramatic Heart Attack-a medical condition in which a character experiences a heart attack in a display of chest clutching dramatics.

Blood from the Mouth – a symptom is indicative that a character is bleeding internally and is either going to die or need serious medical attention.

Excessive Ortifice Bleeding – a medical condition in which a person has blood coming out from every ortifice all because the writers want a very gory death scene. Usually happens in horror movies and is almost always fatal. Sometimes caused by a psychic or supernatural force.

Convulsive Epilepsy – a medical condition in which a character has a seizure in which he or she loses complete control of their body. Symptoms include flailing arms, writhing on the ground or frothing at the mouth.

Retirony – a medical condition which a person’s odds of survival decline once he or she decides to leave their job or it becomes apparent their term of service will soon end.

Brain Fever – a sudden acute febrile illness brought on by stress or personal issues that results in severe attacks of insanity hallucinations, and delirium. Is sometimes fatal.

Big Guy Fatality Syndrome – a medical condition in which the biggest, strongest, and most massive sidekick is less likely to survive when the shit hits the fan.

Vasquez Syndrome – a medical condition in which a female’s increase in toughness and aggression decreases her odds of survival. Befalls secondary female characters who look too butch to be love interests to the hero, especially if they’re not white. Characters played by Michelle Rodriguez are particular targets.

Sudden Sweetheart Photo Death Syndrome– a medical condition in which a person’s chances dying dramatically increase the moment he or she shows a picture of his or her sweetheart back home. Most prominent in soldiers from WWII movies.

Black Guy Fatality Syndrome – a medical condition which decreases a black guy’s chances of survival if he’s the only black male in the group. Can only be prevented if he brings a male black friend. Most prominent in black males in slasher horror movies.

Plagues:

Remember, when the zombie plague hits, this infographic will come in handy. Seriously, the threat of zombie apocalypse is very real in the world of fiction, particularly science fiction.

Remember, when the zombie plague hits, this infographic will come in handy. Seriously, the threat of zombie apocalypse is very real in the world of fiction, particularly science fiction.

Sterility Plague- an incurable disease that infects a large population that renders practically all males and females of child bearing age, unable to reproduce (either inflicting infertility, impotence, or aversion to sex). Usually caused by biological warfare though can arise naturally. Most often appears in science fiction.

Hate Plague-an ailment infecting a large population that causes them to become incredibly disagreeable with each other. Sometimes has a tendency to lead to victims inflicting violence or killing each other. Usually inflicted by mysterious forces or bad guys.

Mystical Plague-a disease outbreak brought upon through the magical powers of a person, group, or creature, whether by accident or design. However, this doesn’t mean that its agents are always immune. Mostly prevalent in fantasy.

Synthetic Plague-a disease inflicted on a large population that was created by humans whether by manufacture or genetic engineering. Can originate by design as a biological weapon or an experiment gone wrong. Usually deadly and might result in people becoming zombies. Usually appears in science fiction post-apocalyptic genre and zombie media.

Radiation Plague-a type of Synthetic Plague that usually infects survivors of a nuclear explosion or meltdown. Usually leads to zombification.

Zombie Plague-plague that usually leads to zombification. Usually caused by a Synthetic Plague.

Bodily Functions:

Wiley E. Coyote may never get the Roadrunner, but he tends to be quite indestructible compared to the rest of us. Seriously, look at how much crap he has to go through with all his schemes literally blowing in his face.

Wiley E. Coyote may never get the Roadrunner, but he tends to be quite indestructible compared to the rest of us. Seriously, look at how much crap he has to go through with all his schemes literally blowing in his face.

Steel Eardrum- a medical condition in which the character doesn’t suffer hearing damage while in extremely noisy environments without any hearing protection. Most prevalent in war movies and action films.

Water Immunity-a medical condition which allows a character to drink water from any source regardless of whether it’s actually safe to drink.

Heat Resistant Skin-a medical condition in which a character is able to survive in excessively hot temperatures and settings such as a house being engulfed in catastrophic flames.

Explosive-Proof – a medical condition in which a character is able to survive an explosion in close proximity with nothing more than a blackened face, cough puff, or possibly singed eyebrows.

Smoke Filtering Lungs-a medical condition in which a character is able to inhale large amounts of smoke for long periods of time without suffering severe respiratory damage like lung cancer or death.

Large Bowel Syndrome- a medical condition in which a character doesn’t have to go to the bathroom and doesn’t show any signs of constipation, UTI, or IBS.

Strong SCUBA Lungs- a medical condition that allows the character to hold their breath underwater for more than a minute without any assistance from scuba gear.

Electric-Resistance – a medical condition in which a character survives being electrocuted with nothing more than falling over, soot, smoke, and messy hair, even if such episode makes his or her skeleton becomes visible through his or her skin. Happens a lot in cartoons.

Walter White Syndrome- a medical condition that in which a cancer stricken character loses their hair on their head while undergoing chemotherapy treatment, yet retains the rest of their body hair.

Tears of Blood – a medical condition in which a person cries bloody tears which might mean that they caught some deadly virus, are being killed by weird supernatural means, a vampire, or overcome with grief over a lost loved one.

Elastic Skeleton – a medical condition in which a person is able to have their bodies and limbs tied into knots.

Frozen Resistance– a medical condition in which a person can survive being frozen with no ill effects for a very long time other than being in hibernation before thawing out.

Encino Man Syndrome – a medical condition in which a person can survive freezing for years without suffering ill effects other than being in hibernation prior to thawing or signs of age without any explanation whatsoever.

Angst Coma – a condition in which a person falls into a coma or catatonic state due to personal issues. Can only be cured if they’re resolved.

Substances:

Acquiring an immunity to poison can come in handy in situations like this. In real life, trying to acquire an immunity to poison will certainly kill you.

Acquiring an immunity to poison can come in handy in situations like this. In real life, trying to acquire an immunity to poison will certainly kill you.

Acquired Poison Immunity-a medical condition in which a character becomes immune to a particular poison by regularly ingesting it in small doses over a period of time.

Unexplainable Poison Immunity –a medical condition in which a character can suck out the poison from his or her companion without experiencing ill effects.

Drug Immunity-a medical condition in which a character is immune to the effects of a certain substance.

Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome-a medical condition in which a person ingests certain substances to change personalities at will so they could engage in activities they’d otherwise be arrested for. Yet, will eventually result in the person losing control as the Hyde personality takes over.

Laxative Immunity-a medical condition in which a character only experiences loose bowels after being subject to a laxative prank (or pertaining to other related substances).

Prescribed Cold Turkey Syndrome-a medical condition in which going off prescribed medication doesn’t result in anything worse than a hungover like withdraw or a grudging admittance that the medication helped.

Fertility and Sex:

Of Laban's two daughters, Rachel will be Jacob's one true love and favorite wife he worked 14 years for. Leah, on the other hand, will be basically the unwanted wife Jacob was tricked into marrying but kept around because she has at least 7 kids to him while Rachel has 2. Poor, poor, Leah.

Of Laban’s two daughters, Rachel will be Jacob’s one true love and favorite wife he worked 14 years for. Leah, on the other hand, will be basically the unwanted wife Jacob was tricked into marrying but kept around because she has at least 7 kids to him while Rachel has 2. Poor, poor, Leah.

Inverse Fertility Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character’s desire for a biological child will drastically inhibit his or her ability to conceive one. Yet, it also increases the likelihood of characters in characters who don’t want kids, even if they’re diagnosed as sterile, using birth control, had a vasectomy, or are virgins. Can only be cured through in vitro fertilization, magic, possibly giving up trying or warming up to parenting, adoption, or divine intervention. Usually results in teen pregnancy whenever a teenage couple have sex, even the first time.

STD Immunity-a medical condition in which a character has a large number of sexual partner yet never shows any symptoms of any STDs. Mostly prevalent in action movies, fantasy, and science fiction. Usually present in male action heroes, particularly those with their own franchise.

Leah Syndrome-medical condition in which a character’s past or unwanted sexual partner is most likely the co-parent of their child. Usually affects reluctant polygamists, guys who want to get rid of their exes, women in abusive marriages, promiscuous single moms, and divorcees.

Inverse Paternity Syndrome-a condition in which somebody’s father is the guy everyone else in the cast doesn’t want him to be. A variant of Leah Syndrome solely pertaining to unknown paternity.

Downton Abbey Syndrome-a condition in which one party responsible for a child’s conception suddenly and tragically dies around its birth. Most of the time it’s the father, especially if the child was conceived when its parents weren’t married and/or in wartime. Ditto, if he kills over during the pregnancy. If it’s the mother, she’ll usually die in childbirth. Nevertheless, this usually befalls parents who haven’t conceived previously.

Sudden Unmarried Dad Death Syndrome – a condition in which an unmarried father or father to be tragically dies either during his baby mama’s pregnancy or around the child’s birth, just so the guy isn’t made to seem like a deadbeat jerk and the single mom can have an angsty out of wedlock pregnancy that might lead to her having give up her kid at some point. A variant of Downton Abbey Syndrome that usually happens in stories where the single mom is the main character. Can only be prevented through a shotgun wedding.

Tom Jones Syndrome-condition in which the child’s parental revelation improves his or her fortunes drastically.

Disney Mother Death Syndrome-a condition in which a main character’s parent dies sometime during their childhood, particularly before the plot kicks in. Usually happens to the mother, especially if the protagonist is female.

Elastic Uterus- a condition in which a pregnant woman can deliver an abnormally large newborn baby fairly easily within minutes after the contractions start.

Squeakly Clean Childbirth- a condition in which a pregnant woman delivers a baby without much disgusting stuff coming from her vagina.

Quick Childbirth Recovery – a condition in which a woman can return to her duties right after done giving birth in a short amount of time.

Constant Ovulation Syndrome- a condition in which a woman doesn’t go through her monthly menstruation period and gets pregnant after having sex. Very common in teenagers.

Wedding Enhanced Fertility- a condition in which a woman unexpectedly becomes pregnant around the time she marries or is engaged to the child’s father. Usually leads to a happy, nice, and non-angsty pregnancy.

Star Trek Genetics – a medical condition in which an inter-species couple can have sex and produce fertile offspring regardless of configurations pertaining to their reproductive systems.

Melanie Wilkes Pregnancy– a medical condition in which a woman’s pregnancy lasts longer than it should, particularly if the author wants her to have a Catastrophe-Induced Labor in her American Civil War novel.

Express Delivery- a medical condition in which a woman gives birth to a healthy baby despite being pregnant for less than 8-9 months. Babies born this way usually resemble those born at full term and require no medical assistance associated with most premature deliveries. May give an indication that the child is devil spawn, monster, an alien hybrid, fantasy/humanoid hybrid, or mutant.

Fetus Terrible – a medical condition in which a pregnant woman suffers from complications caused by the fetus wreaking havoc inside her body. Related to Satanic Pregnancy Syndrome. Mostly results in Express Delivery, but May cause harm to the mother in which Caesarian delivery is best recommended (since most usually develop too quickly for abortion to be an option).

Convenient Miscarriage – a medical condition in which a woman miscarries a baby either to have highly tragic situation or because the writers really don’t want to deal with the implications of having to create a new character or cast child actors. Usually happens to women who aren’t happy about their pregnancies.

Hunger Games Period Skip– a medical condition in which a girl or woman of childbearing age fails to menstruate due to being a contestant in a fight to the death competition on national television.

Pre-Menstrual Syndrome (PMS) – medical condition in which a girl or woman of childbearing age goes into near psychotic anger or dramatic mood swings before or during her time of the month.

Menstrual Menace – a medical condition in which a girl or woman of childbearing age experiences supernatural menace during her time of the month. Side effects can result in great power and great insanity, fairy magnetism, and reality warping.

Menstrual Lycanthropy – a medical condition in which a girl or woman of childbearing age transforms into a werewolf during her menstrual cycle.

Satanic Pregnancy Syndrome (SPS) – a medical condition in which a pregnant woman suffers from complications caused by the fetus wreaking havoc inside her body because she was unwittingly impregnated by Satan and is carrying the Antichrist. May result in Express Delivery. A variant of Fetus Terrible. Abortion is best recommended in the early stages, assuming that Prince of Darkness paternity can be established and if there’s no doubt the fetus has no capacity to change (the latter which is much more problematic to prove except in horror movies where Satanic spawn usually try to bring upon the end of the world, no matter what). But even this might not be an option in most cases.

Village of the Damned Syndrome- a condition in which all women of child bearing age are impregnated by mysterious forces and give birth to fast growing, evil psychic blond children.

Chocolate Baby Syndrome- condition in which a child doesn’t at all resemble either of their parents and either glaringly obvious or acknowledged in the story. However, this doesn’t apply to children conceived through in-vitro fertilization via a sperm or egg bank. Nor does to children who are adopted either. Usually pertains to that the child’s putative father isn’t.

Not So Chocolate Baby Syndrome- condition in which a child doesn’t resemble either of their parents yet is still seen as biologically related.

Catastrophe-Induced Labor- condition in which a pregnant woman goes into labor at the worst possible moment.

Injuries:

Some people just don't know when to give up. Seriously, the Black Knight should really let King Arthur pass because he's just cut his bleeding arm off!

Some people just don’t know when to give up. Seriously, the Black Knight should really let King Arthur pass because he’s just cut his bleeding arm off!

Minor Gunshot Wound Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character’s severe injury doesn’t inhibit their ability to function.

Instant Roast – a medical condition that instantly turns a character into a succulent main course after experiencing an explosion or fire.

Hero Immunity- a medical condition in which a character can completely recover from his or her injuries without ever experiencing permanent scars all because they are the designated hero of the story.

Titanium Skull-a medical condition in which a character suffers nothing worse than a headache or dizzy spell after dealing with a blow to a head that rendered them involuntarily unconscious.

Matthew Crawley Syndrome-a medical condition in which character recovers after being paralyzed by a spinal injury in a very short length of time.

Black Knight Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character thinks their severe injury doesn’t affect their ability to function despite obvious evidence to the contrary.

Accordionism- a medical condition in which a person is squashed into a pleated and flexing shape after being crushed by a large object. Occurs a lot in cartoons.

Instant Soprano – a medical condition in which a man’s voice gets dramatically high after experiencing castration or a groin injury. May be temporary or permanent.

Annoying Arrow Syndrome-a medical condition in which being shot by an arrow doesn’t cause the victim anything more than a slight discomfort upon removal but they could still be functional if left unattended.

Recoil Proof-a medical condition in which the shooter is immune from the repercussions of Newton’s Third Law.

Pincushion Syndrome-a medical condition in which the character is heavily shot up but is still able to normally function. May or may not result in death.

Squashed Flatism-a medical condition in which a character is squashed flat but still survives as a flatter version of themselves. Prevalent in cartoons.

Protruding Head Bump – a medical condition in which a large swelling appears on a character’s head that develops after a blow to the head. Disturbance is best not recommended and may cause multiple protrusions as a result.

Head Injury Amnesia-in which a character experiences amnesia due to a head injury. Can be cured by being hit on the head again or regaining their memories through psychiatric intervention.

Head Injury Personality Change-in which a character’s personality and identity change drastically after experiencing a head injury. Can only be cured by being hit on the head again.

Drowning Scream Syndrome-a medical condition in which a drowning character still has the adequate lung capacity to call for help.

Invisible Holes – a medical condition in which a character is wounded with no ill effects except liquid pouring out of their skin. Happens a lot in cartoons.

Extra Fat Cushioning- a medical condition in which enables to character to jump into any soft spot without being subject to injury.

Fall Proof-a medical condition in which a character doesn’t die from the fall unless they hit the ground.

Debris Dodging Speed-a medical condition which allows the character outrun explosions, fireballs, overpressure, ammo, and debris.

Psychic Nosebleed – a medical condition in which someone experiences blood coming out of certain parts of their body as a result of psychic effort.

Disability:

Charly may become smart later on in this but it won't last. And let's just say Algernon's fate is very indicative of what will happen to him. And what gets me is that Cliff Robertson won this Oscar over the great Peter O'Toole.

Charly may become smart later on in this but it won’t last. And let’s just say Algernon’s fate is very indicative of what will happen to him. And what gets me is that Cliff Robertson won this Oscar over the great Peter O’Toole.

Disability Superpower-a medical condition in which a disabled character has a superpower that counteracts with their disability.

Inspirationally Disadvantaged-a medical condition that makes a disabled character an inspiration for everyone else. May lead to people marveling at them by performing even the more mundane tasks.

Disability Recovery- a medical condition in which a character who’s been disabled for an extended amount of time suddenly regains the ability to use their disabled organ again. Can either be done by sheer will power, miracles, or medical treatment.

Flowers for Algernon Syndrome –a medical condition in which a mentally challenged person experiences a rapid rise in IQ for a certain amount of time before returning to normal and dying.

Tragic Autism – a learning disorder that impairs a person’s social skills and prevents them from living a normal life. Can range from Idiot Savants and Rain Men to literal minded insufferable geniuses.

Rain Man Syndrome – a form of Autism that gives the sufferer a Disability Superpower.

Idiot Savant – a medical condition in which a person is mentally challenged except in a certain ability.

Compulsive Swearing Tourette’s Syndrome –a disorder in which a person is subject to frequent fits of compulsive swearing. Happens in comedies.

Scrambled Dyslexia –a disorder which causes a person reading difficulties because they see every word scrambled.

Super Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – a disorder which causes a person to be obsessed with order, symmetry, and following patterns of behavior.

Characteristics:

Sorry, Dan Brown, but real albinos just don't make effective assassins. Seriously, poor vision is a main aspect of the diagnostic criteria for albinism since many albinos don't have normal development in the retina or in nerve connections between the eyes and brain. As a result, many are legally blind.

Sorry, Dan Brown, but real albinos just don’t make effective assassins. Seriously, poor vision is a main aspect of the diagnostic criteria for albinism since many albinos don’t have normal development in the retina or in nerve connections between the eyes and brain. As a result, many are legally blind.

Bad AB- Blood Syndrome- a medical condition in which two people who hate each other share a rare blood type and everyone else in their world doesn’t. Yet, it’s unknown to most of the cast that the injured person could receive blood with the same Rh from anybody.

Bad O Blood Syndrome- a medical condition in which the two people who hate each other share a common blood type but the injured person can’t receive blood from anyone else. Mostly because the majority of the cast doesn’t know their own.

Missing Belly Button Syndrome- a condition in which a person has no belly button.

DaVinci Code Albinism – a condition in which a character’s albinism doesn’t harm his or her eyesight.

Chuck Cunningham Syndrome – a condition in which a character disappears without explanation.

Fantasy Health:

Sure Harry's a wizard all right. But he's able to talk to snakes because he has a part of a soul from the evil guy who killed his parents who split his soul in his quest for eternal life. Of course, Harry ability to talk to snakes has some unfortunate implications in the Chamber of Secrets.

Sure Harry’s a wizard all right. But he’s able to talk to snakes because he has a part of a soul from the evil guy who killed his parents who split his soul in his quest for eternal life. Of course, Harry ability to talk to snakes has some unfortunate implications in the Chamber of Secrets.

Resurrection Sickness-a medical condition in which a character isn’t quite the same as their pre-mortem selves after coming back from the dead.

Magical Malfunction Malady-a medical condition in which a magically powered person’s ailment affects their ability to perform magic. Mostly appears in fantasy. May be caused by illness, curse, puberty, or pregnancy. Can result in the sufferer losing their powers or the ability to control them. Usually there is no easy cure so the sufferer either has to wait it out or summon his allies to go on a quest for some strange cure, which usually entails getting some rare or mysterious item in some very remote location.

Demon Possession-a medical condition in which a character’s personality changes and not for the better due to being possessed by a demon. Must be cured by an exorcist.

Voldemort Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character’s quest for eternal life causes them grow ugly and evil.

Gollum Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character’s unhealthy attachment to a magical object causes them to grow ugly and evil.

Horcrux Syndrome- a condition in which a person possesses part of another’s soul and gains that particular person’s abilities.

Peter Pan’s Shadow -a condition in which a character’s shadow takes on a life and personality of its own. Has to be found and sewn back on.

Dark Lord on Life Support – a condition in which a dark magical character is not quite dead but is able to survive due to some magical contraption.

Marvolo Ring Syndrome – a condition results in a magical character’s slow and painful death after touching a dark magical object.

Magical Coma –a condition in which a character is put into a deep sleep for a very long time under some magical force but can only be awoken through sexual assault or something else.

Body Switching – a condition in which a character finds him or herself in another person’s body. Can only be cured when the relationship with the other person is resolved.

Children:

Sure Pearl is a creepy girl all right, but c'mon, there's nothing in the book to suggest that she's bad. I mean she doesn't kill anyone.

Sure Pearl is a creepy girl all right, but c’mon, there’s nothing in the book to suggest that she’s bad. I mean she doesn’t kill anyone. She’s just so misunderstood in 17th century Massachusetts.

Soap Opera Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SOSIDS) – a medical condition in which a baby dies soon after its birth very tragically despite being conceived and carried under optimal conditions and delivered as a healthy baby (if not stillborn). Causes of death can pertain to car accidents and premature labor. Only happens to children of soap opera couples in happy relationships in which the mother is happy about the pregnancy.

Soap Opera Adversity Survival Syndrome (SOASS) – a medical condition in which a baby survives its birth despite being conceived and carried under dicey circumstances such as an affair. Born to women who’ve spent their pregnancies contemplating certain options (like abortion and adoption) and spent months wailing and angsting about the turmoil pertaining to the birth. Children may be subject to Inverse Paternity Syndrome and SORAS, since this happens mostly in soap operas.

Neville Longbottom Puberty – a medical condition in which an awkward looking kid experiences a remarkable transformation during his or her adolescence that signify his or her growth and change as a character.

Pearl Prynne Syndrome -a medical condition in children in which the child looks creepy and says really creepy things but has no indication they pose a danger to anybody.

Damien Syndrome – a medical condition in children resulting from a SPS which renders them completely evil and homicidal.

Hellboy Syndrome – a medical condition in children resulting from a SPS, which results in them having a perfectly normal personality, though appearances may vary.

Premature Male Puberty – a medical condition in which an adolescent boy has the body of an adult man between the ages of 20 to 30 years old. Happens in a lot of teen centered media due to casting adult actors in teen roles.

Adolescent Height Stunting – a medical condition that results in an adolescent character being shorter than both his or her parents as well as other adults, regardless of whether it makes any sense.

South Park Syndrome – a medical condition in which a child is disproportionally short for their age and is never implied to suffer from dwarfism or part of an unusually small humanoid race. Prevalent in cartoon children between the ages of 4-12.

Renesmee Syndrome – a medical condition in which a child manages to grow up in a very short timespan.

Sudden Firstborn Son Death Syndrome – a medical condition in which the oldest male child in the family dies because his parents were being jerks. Takes some form of divine punishment, especially after a series of plagues.

Aging:

This must be the scene in Hamlet when he's telling Ophelia to "get thee to a nunnery." Oh, wait a minute he's yelling at his mom Gertrude. Seriously, she looks way too young to be his mom. And he looks way too old to be going to college.

This must be the scene in Hamlet when he’s telling Ophelia to “get thee to a nunnery.” Oh, wait a minute he’s yelling at his mom Gertrude. Seriously, she looks way too young to be his mom. And he looks way too old to be going to college.

Cartoon Child Syndrome – a condition in which a child remains at the same age for a very long time for no explanation since it’s much easier for the animator in question and that the voice actor is an adult anyway.

Peter Pan Syndrome – a condition in which a child remains at the same age for a very long time. Yet, unlike Cartoon Child Syndrome, it’s explained in story

Pre-Natal Maturity – a condition in which a person begins life as an adult.

Benjamin Button Syndrome-a condition in which a person begins life as an old person and dies as a baby.

Shakespearean Rapid Aging Syndrome (SRAS)- a medical condition in which a teenager or young adult has the body of a someone who’s at least 30 years old. Endemic in Shakespearean drama, especially in productions of Richard III, Romeo and Juliet, or Hamlet. Happens in a lot movies, theatrical, and TV productions set in historical times, in which the actors are considerably older than their characters should be. Most prevalent in males.

Agora Syndrome – a condition in which a person appears considerably younger and more attractive than they should be. Happens in a lot of historical adaptations but is less common than SRAS.

13 Going on 30 Syndrome – a condition in which a person ages for several years in the span of a night.

17 Again Syndrome -a condition in which a person’s aging is reversed several years in the span of a night.

Esther Coleman Syndrome – a disorder in which a person stops growing and aging as a child.

Methuselah Syndrome-a condition in which a person lives way past the average human lifespan.

Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome (SORAS)- a condition in which a child spends a short amount of time offstage, only to emerge as considerably older than any normal kid would be. Prevalent in movie series and TV shows, especially soap operas. Yet, on sitcoms, babies only age up after only a few years.

Immortal Aging Syndrome-a condition in which a character’s immortality doesn’t stop them from aging.

Immortal Adult Stasis- a condition in which an immortal character comes of age and remains that way forever. That or granted immortality at that age.

Abnormal Infantile Memory Syndrome- a condition in which a child could remember a lot of stuff before the age of 3 other than stuff that’s either very traumatic or significant in their lives like the birth of a sibling for instance.

Sudden Grandparent Death Syndrome- a condition in which a child’s grandparents die sometime before the plot gets in so they can have a terrible living arrangement as an orphan, even when such demises make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Harry Potter’s Grandparents Death Syndrome- a variant as SGDS in which a child’s grandparent die sometime before the plot kicks in when such a natural death doesn’t make absolutely no sense in its fictional universe.

Stress Induced Premature Aging – a condition in which a character ages considerably quickly due to excessive stress. A common symptom is hair going gray or white. May be caused by dealing with a severe illness, adverse conditions, or after having to make a difficult decision.

Gillian Darmondy Syndrome – a condition in which a character seems unbelievably young to parent his or her biological child, but in a way that makes perfect sense such as teen pregnancy, alien biology, being unusually attractive, paranormal activity, divinity, or anything to do with magic or futuristic technology.

Gertrude Syndrome- a condition in which a character seems unbelievably young to parent his or her biological child but where it makes absolutely no sense. May be caused by the author’s inability to comprehend biology or basic mathematics or casting an actor noticeably younger than the character should be. Perhaps even younger than the person playing his or her biological child.

Anime Shrinkage – a condition in which an elderly character’s height shrinks at an accelerated rate in a short amount of time than it should.

Dorian Gray Syndrome -a condition in which a character never ages but with a dark magical catch. May result in the sufferer losing his or her soul.

Presidential Aging – a condition in which a character’s rapid aging has no effect on their lifespans.

Psychological Conditions:

Dexter Morgan: I'm not sure if modern psychology would classify as a psychopath or just a homicidal maniac with PTSD. Still, since it's TV, he's a psychopath.

Dexter Morgan: I’m not sure if modern psychology would classify as a psychopath or just a homicidal maniac with childhood induced PTSD. I mean he does have people he sincerely loves in his life. Still, since it’s TV and he likes to kill people, he’s a psychopath. But he has a code on who he kills. Very difficult to classify. However, many of his victims tend to fit in the psychopathic mindset much better than he does.

Gold Fever-a condition which results the intensity of a character’s insatiable greed and propensity for violence is inverse to their sanity and self-control.

Jack Torrance Syndrome-a variant kind of Cabin Fever that causes raving lunacy and homicidal tendencies.

Napoleon Delusion-a psychological condition in which a sufferer thinks they’re a famous dead celebrity. Those who suffer from this may or may not be a danger to other people.

Vertigo Syndrome-a psychological condition in which the sufferer makes their significant other drastically alter their appearance in order to resemble a dead person the afflicted has been obsessed about but hasn’t even met.

Laura Syndrome-a psychological condition in which the sufferer falls in love with a person reputed to be dead who may not be.

Oedipus Complex -a psychological condition in which a person hates one parent and has a secret wish to sleep with the other. Sometimes the sufferer might not even realize it.

Multiple Personality Crisis Disorder- a psychological condition in which a serious personal issue causes a person to have multiple personalities yet, disappear once they get their lives back together again. Yet, it won’t always be the same personality they started out with.

Three Faces of Eve Disorder-a variant of MSCD in which the person recovers from having multiple personalities with a totally different identity and personality than they started out with.

Richard Harrow Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character’s desensitization from violence and capability of racking up huge body counts doesn’t prevent them from being a perfectly decent person otherwise and possible the nicest one in the whole cast.

Norma Desmond Disorder- a psychological disorder in which a character is running a whole era behind and still thinks they could make a comeback despite that ship sailing.

Manchurian Candidate Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character is brainwashed into being an assassin.

Alfred Hitchcock Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character seems to develop a strange rabid interest in murder mysteries that lead to violence or not.

Cassandra Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character always tells the truth but nobody believes them.

Adoption Denial Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character doesn’t know they’re adopted even though they should’ve obviously figured it out by now.

Paternal Denialist Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a male character thinks that he’s a child’s biological father despite obvious evidence to the contrary.

Post-Traumatic Amnesia – a psychological condition in which a person loses all prior memories or sense of identity after witnessing a traumatic incident.

Science-Related Memetic Disorder – a psychological disorder in which a character uses their sociopathic tendencies to conduct scientific research or experiments. May lead to beyond horrific results for victims.

Destructive Insanity – a psychological condition in which a person isn’t in touch with reality as well as a poses a hazard to themselves and others. Can be caused by anything, notably a terrible childhood or a traumatic moment. Symptoms include violent outbursts, an insatiable urge to kill people or self-harm, creepiness, unstoppable rage, or substance abuse. Sometimes hearing voices in the head, hallucinations, talking to puppets, etc.

Trauma Sociopathy – a psychological condition in which a person becomes a psychopath after experiencing a brain injury in a traumatic incident during childhood.

Pyromania- a mental disorder in which a person loves to start fires, watch them, and see the people burned in them. Are always arsonists and serial killers.

Harmless Insanity – a mental disorder in which the sufferer causes no harm whatsoever while his or her psychological symptoms are used for comedy.

Single Issue Psychology – a psychological condition in which a person’s psychological problems are due to one major thing pertaining to their lives.

Psychopathy – a psychological condition in which a person may seem rather charming and outgoing but devoid of any empathy, shame, humility, or sense of responsibility. Doesn’t care what is right or wrong, is manipulative, engages in hedonistic behavior, and could possibly be a psycho killer, a Wall Street executive, or both. Sufferers are thoroughly irredeemable.

Post Traumatic Stress Badass Disorder – a psychological condition in which a character’s traumatic experience in war makes him or her exceptionally capable of handing any dangerous situation.