Rules for Dealing with Wild Animals

1. Wild animals are not your friends. Do not treat them like pets or your buddies. The guy from Grizzly Man learned that lesson the hard way.

I'm sure any other situation involving a grizzly at the dinner table is bound to end horribly. Yes, old Bearikins may soon have the best Thanksgiving of his life. Everyone else will probably have their last.

I’m sure any other situation involving a grizzly at the dinner table is bound to end horribly. Yes, old Bearikins may soon have the best Thanksgiving of his life. Everyone else will probably have their last.

2. Unless handling wild animals is part of your job, keep a reasonable distance from them and interfere with their lives as little as possible. If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you.

3. Avoid close contact with wild animals whenever possible. Never approach them under any circumstances. Do not touch or try to hold them. But if you must and it’s safe enough, always wear gloves, particularly a pair you’d find at the hardware store (garden gloves come to mind). Get too close to a wild animal and it will attack you.

4. Do not make a wild animal feel threatened or stressed. A threatened or stressed animal is a dangerous animal and will attack you.

5. Do not disturb, chase, startle, anger, tease, or harass a wild animal. All you’ll do is provoke the wild animal into feeling threatened and it will attack you. If you do this, you are a moron and deserve no sympathy for what happened to you. Such actions are especially stupid if the wild animal isn’t alone, particularly if accompanied by offspring. Whatever you do, do not be a dick to wild animals under any circumstances. Unlike humans in society where assholes are tolerated, wild animal will absolutely not tolerate your dickishness toward them and won’t give a shit about sending you to the emergency room.

6. Though baby wild animals may be cute and cuddly, do not go anywhere near them, touch them, or try to hold them. Trying to pick up a baby wild animal is an easy way to get its parents to attack you and they’re usually not far behind. If you do this, you are an idiot. If there’s a chance that a baby wild animal is an orphan, observe it for 24 hours to make sure the animal is truly alone. If their parents don’t show up within that time period, call animal control. Don’t ever try to raise it yourself unless you really know what you’re doing (by that I mean if dealing with animals is part of your job). For particular animals follow these steps:

Awww, look at the cute cougar babies. Don't their faces just make you want to take one of them home with you? But remember that trying to pet or hold one of these adorable cubs is a quick way for its mother to send you to the ER and/or ICU. Yeah, you'd be an idiot to try to get one of these adorable kitties.

Awww, look at the cute cougar babies. Don’t their faces just make you want to take one of them home with you? But remember that trying to pet or hold one of these adorable cubs is a quick way for its mother to send you to the ER and/or ICU. Yeah, you’d be an idiot to try to get one of these adorable kitties.

a. Birds: Pick up the bird with gloved hands and try to return it back in its nest. If you can’t, make one by putting leaves, grass, or soft cloth into a small box and place it where you found the bird. Observed for 24 hours to see if it’s cared for. If not, then call animal control. However, if a baby bird has all its feathers and resembles a miniature adult, leave it alone. It’s a fledgling who has permanently left the nest. The parents are watching them from trees and bringing it food.

b. Ducklings/Goslings: With gloved hands, place the bird as close to the flock as you can. If the flock accepts the duckling/gosling, everything should be fine. If not, call animal control.

c. Deer Fawns: Fawns are often left alone while their parents forage. But if the fawn looks cold, hungry, diseased, confused, or threatened, call animal control.

d. Rabbits: If the baby rabbit is at least 4-5 inches long, has fur, open eyes, and hopping around, leave it alone. It’s old enough to be out of the nest. If not, then take it to the nest but hold it with gloved hands. If the nest has been dug up and there are surviving rabbits, place it back into the hole with gloved hands, cover them with the nesting materials (which should consist of grass and fur). Observe for 24-48 hours. If a parent doesn’t return and you’re sure it’s abandoned, call animal control.

7. Do not feed wild animals or leave any food out for them (except bird feeders). All this does is encourage close contact that gets them too used to people as well as increases the potential for predators, accidents, and attacks. A wild animal that’s lost its natural fear for humans is more aggressive and dangerous, especially when hungry. Also makes them fat and sometimes dependent on such food that some may never learn to find native food on their own. Use proper garbage disposal and food storage as well as treat garbage as you’d treat food. Keep a clean camp and wash all cooking and eating equipment after use (as well as change clothes after dinner if you’re the one cooking it). Nevertheless, despite what pop culture tells you, it’s generally seen a bad idea to feed bread crumbs to birds, especially geese and ducks.

There's a reason why feeding wild animals is illegal. Essentially it gets them too used to people which can lead to attracting other animals as well as attacks. A wild animal that's lost its fear of humans is dangerous and more aggressive, especially when hungry. While camping, always use proper food storage and garbage disposal as well as keep a clean camp.

There’s a reason why feeding wild animals is illegal. Essentially it gets them too used to people which can lead to attracting other animals as well as attacks. A wild animal that’s lost its fear of humans is dangerous and more aggressive, especially when hungry. While camping, always use proper food storage and garbage disposal as well as keep a clean camp.

8. Be familiar with wild animals and how they normally act. This table gives you plenty of the reliable information you need on normal wild animal behavior.

Wild-Animals-Table

9. If you see an injured animal, call animal control and observe it until help arrives. Do not try to help it unless it’s safe to do so. Potential dangers include being scratched, bitten, and/or exposed to disease. But be warned that injured wild animals are often scared and may be aggressive when approached. You may also lead the wounded animal to injure itself.

a. If the wild animal is ensnared, trapped, tangled, do not try to fee the animal yourself. It is probably stressed and could be aggressive. Just call animal control to report its location and take pictures of the scene if possible.

b. If it’s safe to touch it, pick up the wild animal to contain it using gloved hands under these steps, if it needs transported to a wildlife rehab center:

i. Line a box with holes or a pet carrier with clean, soft cloth, grasses, and other suitable bedding materials (like shredded newspaper).

ii. With gloved hands, place the animal in the container.

iii. Place the container on a heating pad set to its lowest setting, or wrap a bottle of hot water in a towel and place it in a container for warmth.

iv. Secure the container so the animal can’t jump out, which might cause further injury.

v. Keep the container in a quiet, dark place. Do not feed or water the animal.

10. If you run into close contact with a wild animal, please accord to the following:

Yes, I'm sure Smokey the Bear is more intense in person. Nevertheless, when you encounter a bear, remain calm, give it a way to escape, and slowly and quietly back away. Don't make eye contact, don't run, and try to look intimidating. If all else fails, use bear pepper spray.

Yes, I’m sure Smokey the Bear is more intense in person. Nevertheless, when you encounter a bear, remain calm, give it a way to escape, and slowly and quietly back away. Don’t make eye contact, don’t run, and try to look intimidating. If all else fails, use bear pepper spray.

a. Don’t Panic: Panicking can often lead a wild animal to misinterpret your conduct as an offensive action and take a defensive stance in self-defense (like attack you). Most wild animals won’t attack you unless they feel threatened, have young, or injured/sick. Remain calm, even if you have to take a deep breath.

b. Give the Animal a Way to Escape: If a wild animal has a way to leave or escape the area, it will do so. This is one of the sanest and safest actions you can do, especially if the animal is a large mother with babies. Cornering the animal and having to fight it is not just dangerous, but also highly stupid. This is especially the case if the animal is bear, mountain lion, or an adult moose in which a fight could mean a very long trip to the ER or the ICU, if you’re lucky. If not, then death and a very stupid one at that. These animals are bigger, stronger, as well as have claws, strong teeth, hooves or horns to defend themselves. So avoiding a fight with a wild animal is just common sense.

c. Slowly and Quietly Back Away: Do this while keeping an eye on the wild animal until you are safely away. The more distance between you and the animal, the better. Try to avoid eye contact if possible. Any sudden moves might startle the animal into defensive action. Running may provoke some animals to chase you and you can never outrun them. Also, only climb a tree only if you’re sure the animal can’t and only when it’s far away. Only use active defense as a last resort like mace or bear spray.

d. For specific wild animals, please follow these guidelines:

i. Coyote/Wolf: Use a loud and authoritative voice to frighten the animal. Throw rocks near the animal (but not at them) and become as threatening as possible. This will show dominance and intimidate them. As for wolves, you might want to keep your eyes cast downward and your mouth closed. If it bites, don’t yank it away but try to make it gag or do something to break its clamped jaw. However, a healthy wolf won’t usually attack people. And most usually attack either due to extreme hunger or disease.

ii. Snake: Remain calm and still until it’s gone. Keep any pets and children close to your side. Step backwards slowly, and only turn your back when you are more than 6 feet away from the snake. Fortunately, they’d rather avoid lashing out and will let you know when they feel threatened. However, whatever you do, do not throw anything in an attempt to kill it or else it will move quickly and strike fiercely.

iii. Bear: Control your pets/kids. Quiet any noise making or aggressive movements. Do not run. Avoid looking like prey. Make yourself look intimidating by waving arms and making noises. The bear should quickly leave the area. If it’s a Grizzly, try to cover your head and the back of your neck with your hands either in a fetal position or lying flat and don’t make eye contact. If that doesn’t work, you might want to climb a tree, make noise, and grab the bear spray. If it’s a Black Bear, don’t climb a tree.

iv. Opossum: An opossum is usually docile and won’t attack unless provoked or cornered. Keep pets on short leashes and get out of the area as quickly as possible.

v. Deer: Deer don’t generally pose a threat unless they feel threatened themselves. Keep pets close to you as you walk past them. They should move along. If they make any aggressive movements or sounds, turn away and leave the area.

vi. Mountain Lion: Don’t run, turn your back, and crouch down. Stand tall and authoritatively, make eye contact, use a calm and firm voice, and slowly back away to make sure you aren’t a threat to their safety. If that doesn’t convince the animal to leave, try to scare it off. If it attacks, fight it with everything you got.

vii. Moose: If it looks upset, try to hide behind something big and not too bushy. But leave room to run if the moose continues the chase. Fortunately, most moose attacks are “bluff attacks” that tend to be over before they begin.

viii. Crocodile/Alligator: Avoid croc/gator infested waters as much as possible. If one approaches you, run away as much as possible. If it attacks you, fight back but be sure to hit the eyes, nostrils, or ears. If it bites and you have escaped, seek medical help immediately.

11. If you see a wild animal acting outside its normal behavior stay the hell away from them and find shelter as quickly as possible before calling animal control (especially if the animal is acting disoriented, confused, or shows unprovoked aggressiveness). Make sure your kids and pets are inside as well. Don’t try to help it in any way because a sick animal may not be in its right mind and can be very dangerous. This might be especially obvious if its frothing at the mouth, but sometimes even just bizarre or unprovoked aggressive behavior can be enough. If you, your kids, or your pets aren’t so lucky, follow these steps:

Of course, I'm sure this raccoon doesn't since it looks relatively normal. However, yeah, raccoons do tend to be carriers of all kinds of diseases. If you see one showing unprovoked aggression, call animal control and seek shelter immediately.

Of course, I’m sure this raccoon doesn’t since it looks relatively normal. However, yeah, raccoons do tend to be carriers of all kinds of diseases. If you see one showing unprovoked aggression, call animal control and seek shelter immediately.

a. You, Children, and Other Humans: Either get to a hospital or call 9/11 for an ambulance if the wound is bleeding seriously or if you suspect that the animal might have rabies. If you aren’t sure it’s serious, call your doctor or animal control. Call animal control to remove the animal if it’s still at the premises and have it tested for rabies and other diseases. Wash minor wounds (like scratches) under running water and apply antibiotic ointment and dressing. Also, you might want to be up to date on vaccinations, just to be safe. If it’s a snakebite, call 9/11 for an ambulance, gently wash the injury, splint bitten extremities, and keep the area at approximately the level of the heart. Keep the person calm (if it’s not you). Don’t cut, suck, apply a constricting band, or apply cold to a bit from a pit viper (like a rattlesnake, copperhead, or cottonmouth). For a bite from an elapid snake (like a coral snake), apply an elastic roller bandage after washing the wound.

b. Pets: Using gloved hands, wash the wounds with a hose. Don’t touch the wounds with your bare hands. Immediately call the vet, even if the wound doesn’t seem serious. If the wild animal is still present, call animal control to remove it. Have your pet re-vaccinated immediately, even if its vaccinations are up to date. If expired, your pet may be held for observation. Also, remember that your pets can’t be treated after they’ve been infected with rabies so its important to keep their vaccinations up to date.

12.Try to keep pets from chasing or harassing wild animals as much as possible. Also, keep children close and within your immediate sight at all times outdoors (especially when the nearest shelter is a long distance away. If you’re at home, just keep the small children accompanied. But keep at least one door unlocked in the house {particularly the backdoor} and teach your school age children about common sense). Never leave small children alone with a wild animal regardless of its demeanor.

13. Avoid carcasses in wilderness areas as much as possible (and by that I mean hiking trails, forests, parks, campgrounds, and nature reserves). Report dead animals to the nearest ranger station or animal control. After all, any animal carcass you find in the wilderness could easily be a carnivore’s leftover lunch. Some animals are known to defend their food sources violently and won’t be happy to see you disturb them.

14. Don’t hike alone or at night. Wild animals are less likely to attack groups than solo hikers, since groups are less noisy. Also, while many animals can be active at any time a lot of them are active at dawn, dusk, or night.

Many wild animals tend to be active at night like this opossum. Of course, this might explain why I have often found so many of their carcasses on roadsides. Also explains why I find deer tracks on the roads during some of my morning walks.

Many wild animals tend to be active at night like this opossum. Of course, this might explain why I have often found so many of their carcasses on roadsides. Also explains why I find deer tracks on the roads during some of my morning walks.

15. While hiking, stay on the trails at all times and travel quietly if need be. As long as you stay away from a wild animal’s habitat, it will not bother you. However, make noise if it’s in bear country, especially when traveling upwind, near streams and waterfalls, or when you can’t see the path ahead. Remember that you are on their turf and you need to respect that, especially since there are a lot animals that can be rather territorial. Yeah, you’d want to keep off their lawn, indeed.

16. Be alert for any possible sign of wild animals nearby such as droppings, diggings, footprints, scratch marks, rocks rolled over, or tree logs torn apart. Also be careful not to step directly on rocks or logs for you don’t want to anger a poisonous snake.

17. When traveling by foot, let someone know where you’re going and when you plan to return. Also, travel with a cell phone and first aid kit at all times as well as keep your pet on a leash.

18. Whenever in a recreational area, always follow local regulations. Always listen to park rangers and game wardens as well as follow their advice.

19. Be familiar with the types of wild animals in your geographical location and know how to avoid getting attacked by them.

20. Be familiar with wild animals’ sex and reproduction cycles and behaviors, particularly mating and birthing seasons. Also pay attention on their familial patterns. Some species may be monogamous while others may not. But it’s not unusual for some animals to be more aggressive and less fearless during their mating seasons (often in the fall), particularly if they’re males trying to mate with as many females as possible (though females during this time aren’t exactly docile either). And it’s not uncommon for female animals to be quite aggressive while raising their young, especially if she’s rearing them alone. Let’s just say the rutting season is basically Pon Farr for deer, which makes them especially dangerous around this time, particularly antlered males.

During the mating seasons, wild animals can be more aggressive than usual, particularly if they're stag males or males trying to mate with as many females as possible. For some, to say that comparing their mating seasons to Pon Farr isn't much of a stretch. This is especially the case with the deer rut in which the male antlered deer compete with each other for mates through sparing.

During the mating seasons, wild animals can be more aggressive than usual, particularly if they’re stag males or males trying to mate with as many females as possible. For some, to say that comparing their mating seasons to Pon Farr isn’t much of a stretch. This is especially the case with the deer rut in which the male antlered deer compete with each other for mates through sparing. And yes, the fights can get particularly nasty.

21. Just because an animal won’t or can’t eat you, don’t assume it won’t hurt you. There’s a reason why predators tend to prey on the most vulnerable of any given herd. They know that trying to take down the strongest animals for meat is a quick way to get severely injured or killed. Not to mention, anyone who’s had regular contact with domesticated livestock will know of at least one incident of a temperamental cow or horse sending someone to the emergency room. So just because the wild animal in question is a vegetarian, don’t assume that it’s cute, cuddly, and friendly. Because there are plenty of large herbivores that are extremely territorial and will kill you deader than dead. Hippos are among the most dangerous animals in Africa along with elephants, cape buffalo, rhinos, and giraffes (which can kill lions with their kicks). In North America, moose and bison are said to attack and kill more people than bears and wolves. Also, take into account that the vast majority of unprovoked bird attacks on people are from herbivorous birds. Thus, remember that an animal doesn’t need to be hungry to want to kill you.

If you think that the most dangerous wild animals are predators, think again. Herbivores can be just as nasty. For instance, while deer are seen as the gentle giants of the forest, they're actually extremely dangerous, especially during rutting season. I call this picture Bambi's Revenge. Yes, he will pay dearly.

If you think that the most dangerous wild animals are predators, think again. Herbivores can be just as nasty. For instance, while deer are seen as the gentle giants of the forest, they’re actually extremely dangerous, especially during rutting season. I call this picture Bambi’s Revenge. Yes, he will pay dearly.

22. Just because an wild animal seems friendly as well as fluffy and adorable, don’t assume it won’t hurt you. It may not look dangerous, but even the friendliest wild animals can turn pretty unfriendly pretty damn fast. And many of the most adorable and harmless looking creatures can be anything but, especially if you do something to piss them off. You may laugh during the killer rabbit scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but remember that real wild rabbits can be anything but sweet, innocent, and docile.

Real rabbits may not be as lethal as you might see in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. But they are hardly docile creatures and their teeth can inflict quite a bit of damage. It's said that male rabbits will rape and castrate rival males to secure breeding rights. They also headbutt and their kicks pack quite a bit of power for their size. Unfortunately, for this cat, I'm afraid the Holy Hand Grenade at Antioch wasn't at its disposal.

Real rabbits may not be as lethal as you might see in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. But they are hardly docile creatures and their teeth can inflict quite a bit of damage. It’s said that male rabbits will rape and castrate rival males to secure breeding rights. They also headbutt and their kicks pack quite a bit of power for their size. Unfortunately, for this cat, I’m afraid the Holy Hand Grenade at Antioch wasn’t at its disposal.

23. If you see a large wild animal on the road while driving, make sure you give them the right of way by slowing down and stopping at a reasonable distance. They’ll usually be quick about crossing the street. Nevertheless, please drive carefully and not hit something. Not only will you avoid a crash and save your life but you won’t risk the animal’s life either. And the bigger the animal, the worse the consequences will be if you hit it.

Large wild animals can pose serious traffic problems. Thus, if you see any large wild animal on the road, remember to slow down and give it the right of way. Let's just say it'll save your life. Here's some more tips about sharing the road with wild animals.

Large wild animals can pose serious traffic problems. Thus, if you see any large wild animal on the road, remember to slow down and give it the right of way. Let’s just say it’ll save your life. Here’s some more tips about sharing the road with wild animals.

24. Any wild animal with utterly zero fear of humans isn’t one you’d want to run into, especially if it has a really nasty temper. Wild animals that aren’t afraid of humans are less likely to run away at close range, which is very bad and most of the time aren’t friendly at all.

25. Don’t ever try to domesticate a wild animal no matter how cute or seemingly docile it may be. Yes, you might hear all the stories about how people raised wild animals in their homes. But there’s a reason why wild animals don’t make great pets despite how and cuddly some of them may be. Think about it.

Yes, raccoons are adorable, I get it. But if we could successfully domesticate, we certainly would keep them as pets. Unfortunately, while raccoons have no fear of humans, they have very nasty tempers and their teeth and claws can kill pets as well as send people to the emergency room. They're also the biggest carrier of rabies in North America. So no, they don't make very good pets whatsoever. Too bad the Japanese didn't learn from the Americans on this which gave rise to raccoon infestation in their country.

Yes, raccoons are adorable, I get it. But if we could successfully domesticate, we certainly would keep them as pets. Unfortunately, while raccoons have no fear of humans, they have really, really nasty tempers and their teeth and claws can kill pets as well as send people to the emergency room. They’re also the biggest carrier of rabies in North America. So no, they don’t make very good pets whatsoever. Too bad the Japanese didn’t learn from the Americans on this which gave rise to raccoon infestation in their country. This was because of an anime raccoon gave rise to a fad of keeping these animals as pets. Seriously, Japan, stop being suckers for cuteness!

26. Remember that animal control is your friend. If you see wild animal acting weird and aren’t sure what to do, call them. They will know what’s going on and will go in if there’s a nuisance.

27. Despite what you might see in popular media pertaining to wild animals, don’t assume that they behave that way in real life. This is especially the case with seemingly sweet and innocent animals presented as cute, fluffy, and adorable. Nor should you assume that all animals exist in harmony and wholesomeness (which for those who’ve seen the PBS show Nature, it’s certainly not the case since it’s guaranteed to feature animals mating and killing things in most episodes. This is especially the case when a predator is the featured animal on the episode).

28. If a small wild animal is found in your house, open your doors to let it out. The sooner you give it a way to escape the better. However, if it bites you, keep it inside and call animal control because it might need to be tested for disease.

29. If you want to take a picture of a wild animal at close range, remember that cameras are equipped with zoom lenses. So take advantage of that.

When you want to take pictures of animals, remember to keep a reasonable distance and use the zoom lens. Of course, I'm not sure about this guy's situation. I mean birds can fly pretty fast.

When you want to take pictures of animals, remember to keep a reasonable distance and use the zoom lens. Of course, I’m not sure about this guy’s situation. I mean birds can fly pretty fast.

30. Never take your pets camping or hiking with you, especially if it’s in an area with wolves or other predators. Thus, your pet might become a liability since they’re more vulnerable to animal attacks than humans. There’s a reason why pets aren’t allowed in National Parks and other recreation areas.

31. Remember that just because an animal looks like it’s suffering and needs to be rescued, doesn’t necessarily mean you should interfere. Sometimes it’s best to let nature do its thing and leave it alone, especially if it can be some predator’s tasty meal or your pet’s. So you might not want to bother with Fido killing that baby bunny.

32. Remember that even if you do everything right, this doesn’t guarantee that you won’t attract a wild animal’s attention. Any action you make can make an animal feel threatened or startled, even if you don’t intend to do so. Even wildlife experts have experienced this.

33. Be aware that just because a normally nocturnal animal is active during the day, doesn’t mean it’s “sick” especially if it’s just minding its own business. They may be out during the day for several reasons such as looking for food, during spring and early summer when they’re out looking for food for their young, being habituated in their environment and the people around them, or simply going from one place to another. So if you see a raccoon out during the day and acting like any typical raccoon would otherwise, then leave it alone. It probably doesn’t have rabies.

Though raccoons are better known for being active at night, it's not uncommon for some to be out in the daytime. So if a raccoon is out and about during the day and doesn't seem to show any other abnormal behavior, it's probably not rabies.

Though raccoons are better known for being active at night, it’s not uncommon for some to be out in the daytime. So if a raccoon is out and about during the day and doesn’t seem to show any other abnormal behavior, it’s probably not rabies.

34. If you see a wild animal with young, stay the hell away from them. Even the friendliest wild animals can be especially ferocious when it comes to protecting their kids. Mess with any wild animal parent and their kids and you’ll be in for a world of pain.

For the love of God, if you get between a mama bear and her cubs, you will be in for a world of pain. And no, I'm not exaggerating. Do not go anywhere near a bear and her cubs. Seriously, you will live to regret it in the emergency room, if you're lucky.

For the love of God, if you get between a mama bear and her cubs, you will be in for a world of pain. And no, I’m not exaggerating. Do not go anywhere near a bear and her cubs. Seriously, you will live to regret it in the emergency room, if you’re lucky.

35. Just because an wild animal is cute, doesn’t mean it’s nice and wants you to touch it, especially if it’s a baby or juvenile.

36. When hiking, walking, or traveling in a recreational area or anywhere else, stay out of wildlife areas you know are dangerous.

37. Just because you don’t see wild animals, don’t assume that they aren’t close by. Sometimes wild animals will pop up around times when you’re least likely to see them (like during the night).

38. Small wild animals may not be as dangerous as their larger counterparts, but don’t  assume that they won’t hurt you. Because even they can be quite vicious if they feel they need to. And there are plenty of animals willing to take on anybody several times their size like rabbits.

39. Unless you’re hunting, then avoid carrying a firearm outdoors, despite what your NRA gun nut neighbor may say. If firing a gun doesn’t instantly kill the wild animal, then it will get even more enraged and attack you. When in close contact with a wild animal, the last thing you want is to make it madder, especially if it’s a predator. For instance, 50 percent of those who use a firearm against a grizzly end up being severely mauled.” Use bear pepper spray instead, which will greatly inhibit its ability to fight.

Unless you intend to hunt at the wilderness recreation area, then leave your guns at home. Of course, you won't see a bear with a handgun. However, unless you kill it at the first shot, shooting at a wild animal will just make it madder and willing to attack. It's a reason why firearms are banned in many parks and for good reason. Use bear pepper spray or mace instead.

Unless you intend to hunt at the wilderness recreation area, then leave your guns at home. Of course, you won’t see a bear with a handgun. However, unless you kill it at the first shot, shooting at a wild animal will just make it madder and willing to attack. It’s a reason why firearms are banned in many parks and for good reason. Use bear pepper spray or mace instead.

40. If you’re in a wilderness in an outdoor recreation area you’re not familiar with, consider hiring a guide if you can afford it. At least a guide will know what to do. If you can’t, then consider getting a map and/or guidebook. Better yet, buy the map and guidebook first before hiring the guide.

Rally Around the Flag – Or Not

Collection-national-flags

You might remember me talking about the US Flag in my “How to Treat an American Flag” article a I posted earlier this year. Or you might’ve read my longer and more serious article of why the Confederate Flag should be removed as well as debunked the most common claims of keeping it around. However, this is a post about flags, because after all they’re quite important emblems of certain groups and entities whether they be countries, states, provinces, cities, or what not. Thus, in many ways they tend to be symbols. A well designed flag will inspire pride than one made otherwise. There’s also a study of flag design called Vexillology and people in this field believe that a well-designed flag should fit these criteria (from the Portland Flag Association).

  1. Keep It Simple. The flag should be so simple that a child can draw it from memory…
  2. Use Meaningful Symbolism. The flag’s images, colors, or patterns should relate to what it symbolizes…
  3. Use 2 or 3 Basic Colors. Limit the number of colors on the flag to three which contrast well and come from the standard color set…
  4. No Lettering or Seals. Never use writing on any kind or an organization’s seal…
  5. Be Distinctive or Be Related. Avoid duplicating other flags, but use similarities to show connections…

Now I can go on and on about all the great flags out there. But you’d be bored to tears sh I’ll show you a collection of designs that made people wonder, what the hell they were thinking? Because when you have great flags inspiring patriotism and pride, there are others that lead people to keep them as far away from the public spotlight as possible. So for your reading pleasure, here are some not so great flags from around the world. By the way, if I insult anyone’s flag, I deeply apologize.

1. Venice, Italy

Granted, this was derived from the old flag of the Venice Republic. But still, while the winged lion with a book is actually cool, it's surrounded by too many border designs. Also, on the borders are 7 tiny little flags or coats of arms. I can't tell. I'd more or less expect such design to be on a box for a D&D game.

Granted, this was derived from the old flag of the Venice Republic. But still, while the winged lion with a book is actually cool, it’s surrounded by too many border designs. Also, on the borders are 7 tiny little flags or coats of arms. I can’t tell. I’d more or less expect such design to be on a box for a D&D game.

2. Chimbu, Papua New Guinea

Now I think the stars and the bird are fine. But with the crossed branches over a circle? I think the province is kind of overdoing it. A plain green sash would've been fine. Really.

Now I think the stars and the bird are fine. But with the crossed branches over a circle? I think the province is kind of overdoing it. A plain green sash would’ve been fine. Really.

3. Saint-Pierre and Miquelon, Canada

This is a tiny island territory off the coast of Newfoundland. The three  flags on the left are supposed to represent the Basques, Bretons, and Normans. However, the boat seems to be drawn straight from a Saturday morning cartoon. Or an educational cartoon about Christopher Columbus from the 1970s.

This is a tiny island territory off the coast of Newfoundland. The three flags on the left are supposed to represent the Basques, Bretons, and Normans. However, the boat seems to be drawn straight from a Saturday morning cartoon. Or an educational cartoon about Christopher Columbus from the 1970s.

4. Louisiana, United States

For one, the comma is missing between,

For one, the comma is missing between, “union and “justice.” However, while the image appears initially wholesome of a mother pelican feeding her babies, it gets quite disturbing when you realize that she’s feeding them with her own blood. Yikes! Seriously, what’s the matter with you, Louisiana? And those drops of blood were only added in 2006. Really.

5. Ishikawa, Japan

Apparently, Japanese Kanji doesn't translate well into certain fonts. From looking at this, Americans might get the impression that Ishikawa is an obscure  Japanese auto corporation instead of  a civic entity that it really is.

Apparently, Japanese Kanji doesn’t translate well into certain fonts. From looking at this, Americans might get the impression that Ishikawa is an obscure Japanese auto corporation instead of a civic entity that it really is.

6. Nunatsiavut, Labrador, Canada

Now this is for a homeland in northern Labrador in Canada. The symbol is supposed to be derived in Inukshuk origin. However, to many it resembles an abstract art rendition of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. Must give a lot of Inuk children nightmares.

Now this is for a homeland in northern Labrador in Canada. The symbol is supposed to be derived in Inukshuk origin. However, to many it resembles an abstract art rendition of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. Must give a lot of Inuk children nightmares.

7. Glarus, Switzerland

Now this consists of a frowning monk with a halo, a staff resembling an antenna, and a book all in yellow. Guess this guy's frowning due to his inability to bring the word of God to the extraterrestrials.

Now this consists of a frowning monk with a halo, a staff resembling an antenna, and a book all in yellow. Guess this guy’s frowning due to his inability to bring the word of God to the extraterrestrials.

8. Marijampole, Lithuania

I know the guy is supposed to be sowing seeds, but I can't help but look at this and get the impression of the Quaker Oats guy throwing out Rice Krispies. Also, the border does little to give this flag any dignity whatsoever.

I know the guy is supposed to be sowing seeds, but I can’t help but look at this and get the impression of the Quaker Oats guy throwing out Rice Krispies. Also, the border does little to give this flag any dignity whatsoever.

9. Connacht, Ireland

Guess the inspiration for this one was a major disagreement between whether the a black eagle or an arm with sword would be more badass. The factions settled on a compromise and got this. Yeah, should've went with one or the other.

Guess the inspiration for this one was a major disagreement between whether the a black eagle or an arm with sword would be more badass. The factions settled on a compromise and got this. Yeah, should’ve went with one or the other.

10. Buddhism

For one, Buddhism has a flag? Secondly, this resembles a TV test pattern that's usually accompanied by a high pitched beep at 4 a.m. But I'm sure the designer didn't know that.

For one, Buddhism has a flag? Secondly, this resembles a TV test pattern that’s usually accompanied by a high pitched beep at 4 a.m. But I’m sure the designer didn’t know that.

11. Benin Empire

Now this was the flag for the Pre-Colonial Benin Empire situated in modern Nigeria which lasted from 1440-1897. From looking at this flag I guess their motto was,

Now this was the flag for the Pre-Colonial Benin Empire situated in modern Nigeria which lasted from 1440-1897. From looking at this flag I guess their motto was, “Get in my personal space and I’ll cut your bloody head off!” Yeah, decapitation is just a wonderful flag motif.

12. Guam, United States

Think of it as a cross between a cheap souvenir T-shirt from the Bahamas and a Georgia O'Keefe painting.  Now imagine if such combination was drawn by a third grader. Sorry, Guam, but your flag is just ugly.

Think of it as a cross between a cheap souvenir T-shirt from the Bahamas and a Georgia O’Keefe painting. Now imagine if such combination was drawn by a third grader. Sorry, Guam, but your flag is just ugly.

13. Fryslan, the Netherlands

For some reason, I can't help looking at this flag and imagine it being a pattern on somebody's underwear. I just don't know why.

For some reason, I can’t help looking at this flag and imagine it being a pattern on somebody’s underwear. I just don’t know why.

14. Isle of Man, Great Britain

It's said that the three-legged triskelion was a symbol in Mycenae and Lycia back in Ancient Greece. However, I think it's rather creepy as hell if you ask me. Three detached legs with no body doesn't look right to me for some reason.

It’s said that the three-legged triskelion was a symbol in Mycenae and Lycia back in Ancient Greece. However, I think it’s rather creepy as hell if you ask me. Three detached legs with no body doesn’t look right to me for some reason.

15. Antwerp, Belgium

Either this is a closeup image from MS Paint or a NASCAR flag on acid. Any way you put it, it's quite horrendous if you get my drift.

Either this is a closeup image from MS Paint or a NASCAR flag on acid. Any way you put it, it’s quite horrendous if you get my drift.

16. Mozambique

Now the hoe and the book convey the best interests Mozambique wants for its people. But an AK-47? Could you imagine anything worse than that on a flag for an African nation? Seriously, why?

Now the hoe and the book convey the best interests Mozambique wants for its people. But an AK-47? Could you imagine anything worse than that on a flag for an African nation? Seriously, why?

17. Swaziland

While the colors schemes are fine, I'm not sure about the weapons. Yes, shields and spears are part of that country's traditional African culture, but still. Having weapons on your flag kind of sends the wrong message. And given the highly negative stereotypes about Africa, Swaziland ought to know better.

While the colors schemes are fine, I’m not sure about the weapons. Yes, shields and spears are part of that country’s traditional African culture, but still. Having weapons on your flag kind of sends the wrong message. And given the highly negative stereotypes about Africa, Swaziland ought to know better.

18. Northern Marianas Islands, United States

Well, there's at least someone in the Northern Marianas Island who knows how to use a computer. Unfortunately, the inhabitants didn't realize that designing a flag from clip art isn't a great idea.

Well, there’s at least someone in the Northern Marianas Island who knows how to use a computer. Unfortunately, the inhabitants didn’t realize that designing a flag from clip art isn’t a great idea.

19. U. S. Virgin Islands, United States

Now I have to admit, this flag would look great as a design for a license plate. But as an actual flag? Not so much. Also, I'm sure that eagle emblem came straight out of clip art.

Now I have to admit, this flag would look great as a design for a license plate. But as an actual flag? Not so much. Also, I’m sure that eagle emblem came straight out of clip art.

20. Lombardy, Italy

No, this isn't a flag from Comic Con or for a video game competition. It's from a region in Italy that probably invented jacks or the paperweight. If neither, then I'm not sure why they'd design their flag that way.

No, this isn’t a flag from Comic Con or for a video game competition. It’s from a region in Italy that probably invented jacks or the paperweight. If neither, then I’m not sure why they’d design their flag that way.

21. Antarctica

Yes, Antarctica has a flag. It has no inhabitants, no government, and no culture. But it has a flag with its landmass on it. Should've went with a penguin instead.

Yes, Antarctica has a flag. It has no inhabitants, no government, and no culture. But it has a flag with its landmass on it. Should’ve went with a penguin instead.

22. Bermuda

Hmmm....a flag with a picture of a lion holding a picture of a shipwreck mid-plunge. Granted, it was discovered this way by a ship en route to Virginia. Kind of suggests that self-governance isn't Bermuda's strong suit. As for me, Bermuda should've used a flag depicting a pair of Bermuda shorts.

Hmmm….a flag with a picture of a lion holding a picture of a shipwreck mid-plunge. Granted, it was discovered this way by a ship en route to Virginia. Kind of suggests that self-governance isn’t Bermuda’s strong suit. As for me, Bermuda should’ve used a flag depicting a pair of Bermuda shorts.

23. Alo Island, Wallis and Futuna, France

Basically this is for a French territory in the South Pacific. It also commemorates the murder of Catholic missionary Father Chanel who was savagely clubbed and axed to death by natives in the 19th century. To be fair, I can see why the natives didn't care for colonialism and the cultural loss it entails. However, I'm not sure that a savage murder of a priest should really be a historic event a South Pacific island should take pride in. Even if the priest was a complete asshole. Also the style resembles MS Paint.

Basically this is for a French territory in the South Pacific. It also commemorates the murder of Catholic missionary Father Chanel who was savagely clubbed and axed to death by natives in the 19th century. To be fair, I can see why the natives didn’t care for colonialism and the cultural loss it entails. However, I’m not sure that a savage murder of a priest should really be a historic event a South Pacific island should take pride in. Even if the priest was a complete asshole. Also the style resembles MS Paint.

24. Cardiff, Wales, Great Britain

Hmmm....dragon dancing around a leek. Guess the badass dragon flag of Wales was already taken. Still, dragon flag dancing with a flowering wild onion? Is there anything more lame?

Hmmm….dragon dancing around a leek. Guess the badass dragon flag of Wales was already taken. Still, dragon flag dancing with a flowering wild onion? Is there anything more stupid for a flag emblem?

25. Brown County, Nebraska, United States

As Bad Flags would say:

As Bad Flags would say: ” this flag seems to have been designed by a 3rd grader with severe astygmatism using Microsoft Paint circa 1995.” Yeah, I’m sure it has about the kind of artistic merit you’d see in a local commercial.

26. Drnis, Croatia

This flag is supposed to be of the shepherd Saint Roch with a leg wound. Beside him is a dog with a loaf of bread in its mouth. According to legend it's said that Saint Roch cut his leg from a rock so he could feed the dog. But the dog found bread instead. What the significance of that event is to an obscure town in Croatia I'll never know. Also, the guy seems to be licking the staff.

This flag is supposed to be of the shepherd Saint Roch with a leg wound. Beside him is a dog with a loaf of bread in its mouth. According to legend it’s said that Saint Roch cut his leg from a rock so he could feed the dog. But the dog found bread instead. What the significance of that event is to an obscure town in Croatia I’ll never know. Also, the guy seems to be licking the staff.

27. Oceanside, California, United States

Seems more appropriate for a tourist advertisement than a city flag. Seriously, I could easily see it on their brochures, if not T-shirts.

Seems more appropriate for a tourist advertisement than a city flag. Seriously, I could easily see it on their brochures, if not T-shirts.

28. Vina del Mar, Chile

Yes, this is an actual flag. No, it's not a beach towel design. But I suppose this place probably has its flag on souvenir beach towels as well.

Yes, this is an actual flag. No, it’s not a beach towel design. But I suppose this place probably has its flag on souvenir beach towels as well.

29. Rome, Italy

Seems like Rome tends to be in agreement with the Cleveland Browns as far as color schemes go. Still, if you're doing a two color flag, at least pick better colors. And no, brown shouldn't be one of them.

Seems like Rome tends to be in agreement with the Cleveland Browns as far as color schemes go. Still, if you’re doing a two color flag, at least pick better colors. And no, brown shouldn’t be one of them.

30. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States

Now this flag is actually quite decent. However, that doesn't explain the presence of the disembodied arm holding the scales. Seriously, that's fucked up. Yeah, kind of an example in which one weird detail can mess up everything.

Now this flag is actually quite decent. However, that doesn’t explain the presence of the disembodied arm holding the scales. Seriously, that’s fucked up. Yeah, kind of an example in which one weird detail can mess up everything.

31. Provo, Utah, United States

Seem this flag makes Provo look like some obscure corporation that sells camera equipment, vitamins, or chemicals. Fortunately, their city council saw the light and unanimously approved a new design this year.

Seem this flag makes Provo look like some obscure corporation that sells camera equipment, vitamins, or chemicals. Fortunately, their city council saw the light and unanimously approved a new design this year.

32. Siauliai, Lithuania

Now I'm fine with the horned bull an the ferocious bear. But I'm not so sure about the eye pyramid. Might draw in a great many conspiracy theorists, especially those who talk about the Illuminati.

Now I’m fine with the horned bull an the ferocious bear. But I’m not so sure about the eye pyramid. Might draw in a great many conspiracy theorists, especially those who talk about the Illuminati.

33. Belgrade, Serbia

Hate to break it to you, Belgrade. But your flag gives us the impression that your waterways are full of blood. It's kind of terrifying to think about that.

Hate to break it to you, Belgrade. But your flag gives us the impression that your waterways are full of blood. It’s kind of terrifying to think about that.

34. Irkutsk, Russia

Look, Irkutsk, I know that animal predation is a normal part of nature. But that doesn't mean that a predator with an animal carcass in its mouth makes a great flag motif. Seriously, why?

Look, Irkutsk, I know that animal predation is a normal part of nature. But that doesn’t mean that a predator with an animal carcass in its mouth makes a great flag motif. Seriously, why?

35. Ibiza, Spain

Reminds me of a map from a 1990s video game. Particularly one developed with the magic of MS paint.

Reminds me of a map from a 1990s video game. Particularly one developed with the magic of MS paint. Also, the stripes are too much here.

36. Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Seems like Calgary can't seem to tell the difference between what makes an appropriate flag motif and what makes an appropriate sports logo. And when I see this, I think of some college football team in Texas for some reason.

Seems like Calgary can’t seem to tell the difference between what makes an appropriate flag motif and what makes an appropriate sports logo. And when I see this, I think of some college football team in Texas for some reason, not a Canadian city.

37. Mississippi, United States

That banner in the corner  is said to represent a time in Mississippi when was the state with the  most millionaires (which was around 1860). Of course, anyone familiar with US race relations and history can explain why. It's also used as a symbol for white supremacy through any means necessary, even terrorism or secession from the union just to keep black people in a state of uncompensated involuntary servitude.

That banner in the corner is said to represent a time in Mississippi when was the state with the most millionaires (which was around 1860). Of course, anyone familiar with US race relations and history can explain why. It’s also used as a symbol for white supremacy through any means necessary, even terrorism or secession from the union just to keep black people in a state of uncompensated involuntary servitude.

38. Virginia, United States

Let's see. This flag seems to symbolize Virginia's victory over the Brits in the American Revolution.  Of course, I'm not sure why they'd include a woman with an exposed breast killing a crowned guy in a purple outfit. I mean violence and partial nudity aren't stuff you'd want on a flag.

Let’s see. This flag seems to symbolize Virginia’s victory over the Brits in the American Revolution. Of course, I’m not sure why they’d include a woman with an exposed breast killing a crowned guy in a purple outfit. I mean violence and partial nudity aren’t stuff you’d want on a flag.

39. Asku, Kazakhstan

Seems like a more appropriate flag for someone like Jadis, the White Witch or for someone off Game of Thrones. Yeah, that's the most intimidating snowbird I've ever seen.

Seems like a more appropriate flag for someone like Jadis, the White Witch or for someone off Game of Thrones. Yeah, that’s the most intimidating snowbird I’ve ever seen.

40. Hanover Park, Chicago, Illinois, United States

This flag is for a neighborhood in Chicago.  From Bad Flags:

This flag is for a neighborhood in Chicago. From Bad Flags: “Hanover Park is home to the world’s strongest man, who can lift a pyramid of eight stick figures above his head.” Also, the logo looks as if it was taken straight out of non-profit organization designed to reach out to economically disadvantaged kids.

41. Herimoncourt, Doubs, Franche-Comte, France

So I guess the badass bat logo was already taken by Batman, no less. Still, the place should've used a better font than Times New Roman. Seriously, a creepier font might do a better job attracting tourists.

So I guess the badass bat logo was already taken by Batman, no less. Still, the place should’ve used a better font than Times New Roman. Seriously, a creepier font might do a better job attracting tourists.

42. Hezbollah

If I was a member of this Shitte paramilitary organization in Lebanon, I'd be embarrassed to have a flag like this. Now I can understand the hand holding an AK-47. But I don't think what's left of the arm resembles anything of a minaret or a rocket  to me. To be discreet here, you might want to call a focus group.

If I was a member of this Shitte paramilitary organization in Lebanon, I’d be embarrassed to have a flag like this. Now I can understand the hand holding an AK-47. But I don’t think what’s left of the arm resembles anything of a minaret or a rocket to me. To be discreet here, you might want to call a focus group.

43. Greene County, Ohio, United States

“Dammit, Orville, watch out for that clock tower.” Seriously, this flag looks like it was designed from the computer program my mom uses to make birthday cards. That clock tower is totally clip art for sure.

44. Greene County, Virginia, United States

I swear this flag's insignia was probably designed by the same person who did the Mr. Yuck sticker. Well, at least the border anyway.  Still, it was probably designed on the back of a cocktail napkin anyway.

I swear this flag’s insignia was probably designed by the same person who did the Mr. Yuck sticker. Well, at least the border anyway. Still, it was probably designed on the back of a cocktail napkin anyway.

45. Irribarren, Venezuela

There's a better way to mix royalty, grayscale, caution symbols, and shark attacks. But this isn't it. Not sure what's that thing in the bottom middle. Wonder who could design a mess like this?

There’s a better way to mix royalty, grayscale, caution symbols, and shark attacks. But this isn’t it. Not sure what’s that thing in the bottom middle. Wonder who could design a mess like this?

46. Yap, Micronesia

That's supposed to resemble a canoe with a sail unfurled, carrying a large Rai. However, to me it looks like a circle with a jet pilot helmet they use in the military.

That’s supposed to resemble a canoe with a sail unfurled, carrying a large Rai. However, to me it looks like a circle with a jet pilot helmet they use in the military.

47. Jainism

Now Jainism is an ancient religion in India which has its own monks, teachers, scriptures, and souls. However, while the color scheme and some of the symbols are nice, there's just one little point of contention. Let's just say two decades of putzes wearing armbands in Germany can taint this flag's 1,000 year legacy forever. Sorry that Nazism and WWII have to ruin everything for you, Jains.

Now Jainism is an ancient religion in India which has its own monks, teachers, scriptures, and souls. However, while the color scheme and some of the symbols are nice, there’s just one little point of contention. Let’s just say two decades of putzes wearing armbands in Germany can taint this flag’s 1,000 year legacy forever. Sorry that Nazism and WWII have to ruin everything for you, Jains.

48. Baie-James, Quebec, Canada

Since when does a city in Canada think that having Hedwig electrocuted would make a great design for a flag? Really, that just makes Harry Potter cry. Also, the set up looks like it's straight from a tourist ad or brochure.

Since when does a city in Canada think that having Hedwig electrocuted would make a great design for a flag? Really, that just makes Harry Potter cry. Also, the set up looks like it’s straight from a tourist ad or brochure.

49. Kvalsund, Norway

Seems like the fish up there are very into 3 way make out sessions. Still, who would've thought that Norwegians were tri-sexual pescatarians? Yeah, that's pretty messed up.

Seems like the fish up there are very into 3 way make out sessions. Still, who would’ve thought that Norwegians were tri-sexual pescatarians? Yeah, that’s pretty messed up.

50. Kyrgyzstan

Seems the national symbol for this country is a radiating tennis ball. Oh, it's said to represent a yurt. Doesn't look like one to me.

Seems the national symbol for this country is a giant flaming tennis ball in the sky. Oh, it’s said to represent a yurt. Doesn’t look like one to me. More like an appropriate logo for Serena Williams.

51. Libya (1977-2011)

I'm sure the government of Libya wanted something fancier. But Muammar Ghadafi insisted that the country's flag match his palace drapes. Seriously, Libya has an amazing history and all they could come up with was a green sheet! Oh, wait, I've heard they might've changed it a few years ago.

I’m sure the government of Libya wanted something fancier. But Moamar Gaddafi insisted that the country’s flag match his palace drapes. Seriously, Libya has an amazing history and all they could come up with was a green sheet! Oh, wait, I’ve heard they might’ve changed it a few years ago.

52. Jekabpils, Latvia

Wonder what that lynx is doing under this tree. Probably going about its business. By the way, do they even have lynxes in Latvia? I think they do. But I've always seen them as a primarily North American feline though.

Wonder what that lynx is doing under this tree. Probably going about its business. By the way, do they even have lynxes in Latvia? I think they do. But I’ve always seen them as a primarily North American feline though.

53. Masoy, Finmark, Norway

I understand the hammer and sickle were already taken. But seriously, a halapik? As Bad Flags says: " It’s an ingenious creation meant to bring total destruction to the wicked baby seal at the business end. As both a bludgenoning tool to smash the seal’s sull and and hacking tool, to drag away the freshly killed cottony soft carcass, you kill two birds (or one innocent infant seal) with one blow." Seriously, a baby seal bludgeoning and ripping tool. Real nice. Maybe they should redesign it with something less medieval and less controversial. Let's not glorify baby seal killing shall we?

I understand the hammer and sickle were already taken. But seriously, a halapik? As Bad Flags says: ” It’s an ingenious creation meant to bring total destruction to the wicked baby seal at the business end. As both a bludgenoning tool to smash the seal’s sull and and hacking tool, to drag away the freshly killed cottony soft carcass, you kill two birds (or one innocent infant seal) with one blow.” Seriously, a baby seal bludgeoning and ripping tool. Real nice. Maybe they should redesign it with something less medieval weaponish and less controversial. Let’s not glorify baby seal killing shall we?

54. Matruh, Egypt

It's supposed to be a goat, which might be cool to some. But I'm not sure it's a flag worthy creature. Also, seems to be running way from a yellow brick wall.

It’s supposed to be a goat, which might be cool to some. But I’m not sure it’s a flag worthy creature. Also, seems to be running way from a yellow brick wall.

55. Mauensee, Lucerne, Switzerland

Now I've heard of flying fish. But I'm kind of sure they don't have feathers. Is it supposed to be an angel fish? If not, then why the hell does this fish have feathered wings?

Now I’ve heard of flying fish. But I’m kind of sure they don’t have feathers. Is it supposed to be an angel fish? If not, then why the hell does this fish have feathered wings?

56. Mont-Laureir, Quebec, Canada

Hate to say this but this looks more like a logo for a 1980s computer company nobody has heard about since. Seriously, I think I saw such similar imagery on hospital buildings or corporate headquarters.

Hate to say this but this looks more like a logo for a 1980s computer company nobody has heard about since. Seriously, I think I saw such similar imagery on hospital buildings or corporate headquarters.

57. Penza Oblast, Russia

Seems like this obscure area in Russia seems to be a fan of resting bitchface Jesus about to overturn changing tables in the Temple of Jerusalem. Not a great example of Russian Orthodox iconography.

Seems like this obscure area in Russia seems to be a fan of resting bitchface Jesus about to overturn changing tables in the Temple of Jerusalem. Not a great example of Russian Orthodox iconography.

58. Inglewood, California, United States

Now this centennial flag doesn't really resemble something you'd fly at city hall. Rather, it resembles some agricultural company logo celebrating its anniversary. Seriously, photoshop? Why?

Now this centennial flag doesn’t really resemble something you’d fly at city hall. Rather, it resembles some agricultural company logo celebrating its anniversary. Seriously, photoshop? Why?

59. Poperinge, Belgium

I guess this place is really into artichokes. Or are those hops or Brussels sprouts? Perhaps they're turtles or cockroaches. Wouldn't see why any place would want to put such designs on its flag.

I guess this place is really into artichokes. Or are those hops or Brussels sprouts? Perhaps they’re turtles or cockroaches. Wouldn’t see why any place would want to put such designs on its flag.

60. Sicily, Italy

Now what's freakier than a flag with 3 disembodied legs? Well, a flag with 3 disembodied leg triskelion and a face on it. Add 3 stalks of wheat and a pair of wings coming out as well. Now that's what I called freaky. Yeah, wonder what the Sicily's flag designer was on when he came up with that idea.

Now what’s freakier than a flag with 3 disembodied legs? Well, a flag with 3 disembodied leg triskelion and a face on it. Add 3 stalks of wheat and a pair of wings coming out as well. Now that’s what I called freaky. Yeah, wonder what the Sicily’s flag designer was on when he came up with that idea.

61. Southland, New Zealand

This doesn't look like a flag motif at all. The setup seems to resemble the kind of motivational posters you'd see in a school library. More like, "Enjoy the adventure of reading" type of message there.

This doesn’t look like a flag motif at all. The setup seems to resemble the kind of motivational posters you’d see in a school library. More like, “Enjoy the adventure of reading” type of message there.

62. Ulan Bator, Mongolia

Now this is supposed to be an anthropomorphic Garuda bird, a mythological creature in Buddhism. However, to me, this is one really ugly flying monkey. He also seems a bit tubby, no offense.

Now this is supposed to be an anthropomorphic Garuda bird, a mythological creature in Buddhism. However, to me, this is one really ugly flying monkey. He also seems a bit tubby, no offense.

63. St. Moritz, Switerland

Now this is supposed to be Saint Mauritius, a Roman soldier from the 3rd century who refused to kill Christians at the behest of Emperor Maximilian. Thus, he and his legion were martyred. Still, as Bad Flags put it: "It looks like a tribute to the first  Swedish knight with a pageboy haircut to walk on the moon." Yeah, pretty cartoonish if you ask me.

Now this is supposed to be Saint Mauritius, a Roman soldier from the 3rd century who refused to kill Christians at the behest of Emperor Maximilian. Thus, he and his legion were martyred. Still, as Bad Flags put it: “It looks like a tribute to the first Swedish knight with a pageboy haircut to walk on the moon.” Yeah, pretty cartoonish if you ask me.

64. Szabolcs-Szatmar-Bereg, Hungary

Well, aside from the airmail envelope border, there seems to be a lot of crap on this flag. Guess one place wanted a flag that symbolized the most stuff. Still, it's quite a bit overboard to say the least.

Well, aside from the airmail envelope border, there seems to be a lot of crap on this flag. Guess one place wanted a flag that symbolized the most stuff. Still, it’s quite a bit overboard to say the least.

65. Long Beach, Mississippi, United States

To be fair, this Gulf Coast city has been through a lot of crap like Hurricane Katrina and the Deepwaer Horizon oil spill. However, it's known for growing radishes. Yet, what they have here resembles purple carrots. Oh, wait they actually grew radishes like that? Now I feel bad. Still, from that insignia, they seem to be desperate for tourists.

To be fair, this Gulf Coast city has been through a lot of crap like Hurricane Katrina and the Deepwaer Horizon oil spill. However, it’s known for growing radishes. Yet, what they have here resembles purple carrots. Oh, wait they actually grew radishes like that? Now I feel bad. Still, from that insignia, they seem to be desperate for tourists.

66. Wallonia, Belgium

Now Walloons have a deep reverence for the French Chanticleer rooster, which is from a children's fable. It's said to appear in a movie called Rock-a-Doodle. Yeah, not something you'd want on a flag. You can see why many emblems tend to have eagles on them. Eagles are cool. Chickens not so much.

Now Walloons have a deep reverence for the French Chanticleer rooster, which is from a children’s fable. It’s said to appear in a movie called Rock-a-Doodle. Yeah, not something you’d want on a flag. You can see why many emblems tend to have eagles on them. Eagles are cool. Chickens not so much.

67. Yaroslavl Oblast, Russia

Jesus Christ, a bear with an halberd. Only a matter of time until he learns to use an AK-47 which is a Russian built. Also, it's newly bipedal with oppose able thumbs.  Yeah, Russian outdoors people might want to stay away from bears bearing medieval weaponry.

Jesus Christ, a bear with an halberd. Only a matter of time until he learns to use an AK-47 which is a Russian built. Also, it’s newly bipedal with oppose able thumbs. Yeah, Russian outdoors people might want to stay away from bears bearing medieval weaponry.

68. Georgia

This was the state flag of Georgia from the 1950s to 2001. Its reason to have a Confederate flag on its emblem stems from the racist white legislators trying to send a message against desegregation. Luckily, it was replaced with a less racist design in 2001.

This was the state flag of Georgia from the 1950s to 2001. Its reason to have a Confederate flag on its emblem stems from the racist white legislators trying to send a message against desegregation. Luckily, it was replaced with a less racist design in 2001.

69. Orange County, California, United States

Seems like a more appropriate logo for a company that grows oranges. And I sure as hell wouldn't think California as an appropriate place to grow them this time of year. Especially since the state's in  drought. Nevertheless, Orange County is a rich person's area that sometimes tends to hoard water for themselves and their golf courses. What a waste.

Seems like a more appropriate logo for a company that grows oranges. And I sure as hell wouldn’t think California as an appropriate place to grow them this time of year. Especially since the state’s in drought. Nevertheless, Orange County is a rich person’s area that sometimes tends to hoard water for themselves and their golf courses. What a waste.

70. Chiapas, Mexico

From Bad Flags: "The center seal tells the story of two lion lovers. The first lion, Eduardo, lives in the palace. The other lion, Timoteo, is stuck on the other side of a rushing river from his love. A deep chasm keeps apart their love. One day, as Eduardo uses his castle as a scratching post, Timoteo gets an idea. If he scratched that palm tree enough, he may be able to break it down and bridge the gap and run to his lover’s open paws. Unfortunately, the tree is just a little short, and Timoteo plunges to his untimely death." Now that's a horrible story. Still, please let it be a joke. Seriously, why would a place in Mexico want a flag depicting such events is beyond me.

From Bad Flags: “The center seal tells the story of two lion lovers. The first lion, Eduardo, lives in the palace. The other lion, Timoteo, is stuck on the other side of a rushing river from his love. A deep chasm keeps apart their love. One day, as Eduardo uses his castle as a scratching post, Timoteo gets an idea. If he scratched that palm tree enough, he may be able to break it down and bridge the gap and run to his lover’s open paws. Unfortunately, the tree is just a little short, and Timoteo plunges to his untimely death.” Now that’s a horrible story. Still, please let it be a joke. Seriously, why would a place in Mexico want a flag depicting such events is beyond me.

71. Perm, Russia

Pretty sure I won't trust a bear on a book. This is especially the case when the book is most likely the Bible in question. Of course, it's pretty obvious that's the book in question on this flag.

Pretty sure I won’t trust a bear on a book. This is especially the case when the book is most likely the Bible in question. Of course, it’s pretty obvious that’s the book in question on this flag.

72. Greenburgh, New York, United States

Motto is either "Who wants chili?" or "Eye of newt and tongue of shrew, feast your eyes on this witches' brew." Uh, let's hope it's just chili.

Motto is either “Who wants chili?” or “Eye of newt and tongue of shrew, feast your eyes on this witches’ brew.” Uh, let’s hope it’s just chili.

73. Afar Revolutionary Democratic Unity Front

This is a revolutionary movement at the Horn of Africa seeking to unite Somalia, Ethiopia, Eritrea, and Djbouti under the gun and torch. Yeah, doesn't seem democratic to me either. Seriously, with an AK-47 what do you expect me to think?

This is a revolutionary movement at the Horn of Africa seeking to unite Somalia, Ethiopia, Eritrea, and Djbouti under the gun and torch. Yeah, doesn’t seem democratic to me either. Seriously, with an AK-47 what do you expect me to think of these guys? Possible terrorists?

74. Tierra del Fuego, Argentina

Now the place name translates to "Land of Fire." However, it's actually a pretty cold place and one of the southernmost inhabited areas in the world. Still, doesn't make me understand why part of the flag is tangerine and includes a seagull. Yeah, a bird that can be found practically anywhere even in a parking lot in Southwestern Pennsylvania. Also, looks like it was designed by a 7 year old.

Now the place name translates to “Land of Fire.” However, it’s actually a pretty cold place and one of the southernmost inhabited areas in the world. Still, doesn’t make me understand why part of the flag is tangerine and includes a seagull. Yeah, a bird that can be found practically anywhere even in a parking lot in Southwestern Pennsylvania. Also, looks like it was designed by a 7 year old.

75. North Caucasian Emirate, Russia (1918-1921)

Now this consists of 3 stars making an eye and a nose along with a smiley face mouth. Might have something to do with the whimsical religion of Islam. Of course, the region it represents didn't last.

Now this consists of 3 stars making an eye and a nose along with a smiley face mouth. Might have something to do with the whimsical religion of Islam. Of course, the region it represents didn’t last.

76. Tamil Eelam

This is a flag a of a proposed Tamil state located in what's currently north and east Sri Lanka. Of course, while the image is badass, it also seems more like an emblem for some armed insurgent organization. Yeah, I think the crossed guns have to go.

This is a flag a of a proposed Tamil state located in what’s currently north and east Sri Lanka. Of course, while the image is badass, it also seems more like an emblem for some armed insurgent organization. Yeah, I think the crossed guns have to go.

77. New Jersey, United States

Now New Jersey's flag looks quite decent with the exception of the color. And the horses' head. Doesn't help that it's been the setting of two award winning HBO crime shows like The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire.

Now New Jersey’s flag looks quite decent with the exception of the color. And the horses’ head. Doesn’t help that it’s been the setting of two award winning HBO crime shows like The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire.

78. Pocatello, Idaho, United States

Okay, this is a flag of a city in Idaho. However, it looks more like an emblem designed for a local auto dealership with shitty commercials. I heard they changed it in 2008. Let's hope it's not something that's looks straight out of some printing program.

Okay, this is a flag of a city in Idaho. However, it looks more like an emblem designed for a local auto dealership with shitty commercials. I heard they changed it in 2008. Let’s hope it’s not something that’s looks straight out of some printing program.

79. Tampa Bay, Florida, United States

Now that's a very tacky flag. I mean not only does it have a seal in the middle but that colors are so distracting. Of course, it kind of embodies the spirit of the city. If not, then Florida.

Now that’s a very tacky flag. I mean not only does it have a seal in the middle but that colors are so distracting. Of course, it kind of embodies the spirit of the city. If not, then Florida.

80. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, United States

This was actually voted among the 5 worst flags of the North American Vexillogical Association. Still, it's been the city's flag since the 1950s and seems to have way too much on it. Perhaps a flag depicting cheap beer would've been more appropriate. Still, you have wonder what kind of art schools the city has to produce a flag like this.

This was actually voted among the 5 worst flags of the North American Vexillogical Association. Still, it’s been the city’s flag since the 1950s and seems to have way too much on it. Perhaps a flag depicting cheap beer would’ve been more appropriate. Still, you have wonder what kind of art schools the city has to produce a horrible flag like this.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Fourth Edition)

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I know I’ve posted a few of these postcard posts since last summer. But since summer is the time for vacation and I’m going to Richmond in August to see my sister, I thought such an occasion would be rather appropriate. Nevertheless, you can tell a lot about an area by the kind of postcards they sell as well as what they value. And in some ways, there are some vintage postcards that might not hold up as well as thy might’ve during the 1950s. This is especially true when it comes to any postcard showing the Confederate flag or tobacco from the American South. Not to mention, there are plenty of postcards that can be just outright weird as you might see in Florida. Of course, there’s a reason why many of these postcards tend to be unintentionally funny as well as tacky.  So if you can’t go on vacation this summer, then enjoy yourself to some of these wonderfully tacky postcards from a more simpler time (well, not really).

1. Here in Kentucky is a portrait of an angel anointing the musical songwriter Stephen Foster.

Sorry, Kentucky, but though Stephen Foster wrote "My Old Kentucky Home," he was from Pittsburgh. Also, didn't he also write songs for blackface minstrel shows? I think he did. He also wrote the mustache song featured in A Million Ways to Die in the West. Really.

Sorry, Kentucky, but though Stephen Foster wrote “My Old Kentucky Home,” he was from Pittsburgh. Also, didn’t he also write songs for blackface minstrel shows? I think he did. He also wrote the mustache song featured in A Million Ways to Die in the West. Really.

2. Get yourself set for a photo op at the Confederate Anchor and Chain in Columbus, Kentucky.

Hmm...seems like this might not be as innocent a hangout place as it's depicted. Also, I'm sure all the women are looking at the guy on top who's all too happy to imagine what it'd be like to bang all three of them.

Hmm…seems like this might not be as innocent a hangout place as it’s depicted. Also, I’m sure all the women are looking at the guy on top who’s all too happy to imagine what it’d be like to bang all three of them.

3. Greetings from Kansas, where they have big boulders.

From the card: “MUSHROOM PARK. West of Salina, near Kanopolis Dam is Mushroom Park. This park features beautiful scenery and curious rock formations. It is of historical interest, as early day stage coach trails were near this park until they were forced out by hostile Indians.” Yet, you have to wonder about the strategically placed children in this one. Also, I'm sure the Indians had a good reason to be hostile since they were there first.

From the card: “MUSHROOM PARK. West of Salina, near Kanopolis Dam is Mushroom Park. This park features beautiful scenery and curious rock formations. It is of historical interest, as early day stage coach trails were near this park until they were forced out by hostile Indians.” Yet, you have to wonder about the strategically placed children in this one. Also, I’m sure the Indians had a good reason to be hostile since they were there first.

4. Welcome to the Red Slipper, from your scantily clad Wild West whore.

Something about this picture tells me that The Red Slipper isn't a family establishment. Must be the woman in the bright red get up and fishnet stockings. Yeah, I get the impression she's either a cocktail waitress or table dancer.

Something about this picture tells me that The Red Slipper isn’t a family establishment. Must be the woman in the bright red get up and fishnet stockings. Yeah, I get the impression she’s either a cocktail waitress or table dancer.

5. For this chef, nothing makes a great meal than a large hunk of steak.

From the card: "A picturesque view of George Diamond preparing a steak before one of his open charcoal broilers. A full steak dinner starts at $1.95." Picturesque, really? Still, $1.95 for a steak dinner like that ain't bad. But I think the chef seems to be enjoying himself a bit too much.

From the card: “A picturesque view of George Diamond preparing a steak before one of his open charcoal broilers. A full steak dinner starts at $1.95.” Picturesque, really? Still, $1.95 for a steak dinner like that ain’t bad. But I think the chef seems to be enjoying himself a bit too much.

6. This chimp is currently chilling in his easy chair.

Yes, he's taking it all in stride not letting anything worry him. Must be great being a chimp in Florida to do these photo ops.

Yes, he’s taking it all in stride not letting anything worry him. Must be great being a chimp in Florida to do these photo ops.

7. While some dolls were made to look cute, some can really terrify the hell out of you.

With that pale mouth and the soulless eyes, I'm sure this doll is bound to give Chucky a run for his money. Seriously, if he had his way, he could kill you in your sleep or nightmares.

With that pale mouth and the soulless eyes, I’m sure this doll is bound to give Chucky a run for his money. Seriously, if he had his way, he could kill you in your sleep or nightmares.

8. Hmmm….Frankenstein’s monster doesn’t look too happy in this take.

Hate to break it to you, but that Frankenstein's monster looks nowhere near like Boris Karloff. Just some large square head guy who's spent too much time on the beach. And might be into kinky stuff.

Hate to break it to you, but that Frankenstein’s monster looks nowhere near like Boris Karloff. Just some large square head guy who’s spent too much time on the beach. And might be into kinky stuff.

9. “Try catching a fish at this high, Flipper.”

I don't know but I'm not so worried about the dolphin as I'm scared for the trainer. Seriously, how high is that guy? Or what will happen to him if he slips and falls? I mean that can't be safe.

I don’t know but I’m not so worried about the dolphin as I’m scared for the trainer. Seriously, how high is that guy? Or what will happen to him if he slips and falls? I mean that can’t be safe.

10. When it comes to sharing whiskey in your pajamas, sometimes you need to demonstrate your ability with a rod and the reel.

Now this is supposed to be an advertisement for pajamas featuring a father and son. But when I see it, they seem like two bros hanging out, enjoying each other's company,  gazing in each other's eyes... Oh, wait a minute. Then again, whatever happens on fishing trips, stays on fishing trips.

Now this is supposed to be an advertisement for pajamas featuring a father and son. But when I see it, they seem like two bros hanging out, enjoying each other’s company, gazing in each other’s eyes… Oh, wait a minute. Then again, whatever happens on fishing trips, stays on fishing trips.

11. “Aaaah, there’s an Indian in my house scalping my husband!”

I know I'm supposed to be scared by such a scene. But the white settlers look so cartoonish that I can't take it seriously. Of course, I have a feeling that the Indian in question really wants theses helpless white settlers to get off his lawn.

I know I’m supposed to be scared by such a scene. But the white settlers look so cartoonish that I can’t take it seriously. Of course, I have a feeling that the Indian in question really wants theses helpless white settlers to get off his lawn.

12. At Marineland of the Pacific, you can see dolphins catching fish from sailors’ mouths.

Not sure if the other dolphin wants one or is just thinking how ridiculous such stunt is. Yeah, I'm no fan of mouth to mouth feedings either.

Not sure if the other dolphin wants one or is just thinking how ridiculous such stunt is. Yeah, I’m no fan of mouth to mouth feedings either.

13. For every woman in Maine, a lobster is a girl’s best friend.

"Oh, Herman, your large claws and red exoskeleton makes me mad with desire. I just can't bear the thought of seeing you thrown into a pot of hot boiling water. Or tourists eating your insides while wearing their souvenir lobster bibs. Oh, please don't leave me!"

“Oh, Herman, your large claws and red exoskeleton makes me mad with desire. I just can’t bear the thought of seeing you thrown into a pot of hot boiling water. Or tourists eating your insides while wearing their souvenir lobster bibs. Oh, please don’t leave me!”

14. Vote Barfield and Shepheard for City Council, which they’ll make everybody’s business.

For those who plan running for office: when scheduling photo ops, remember not to have one the morning after the Preferred Campaign Donors' Booze Cruise. Yeah, you don't want to be seen hungover.

For those who plan running for office: when scheduling photo ops, remember not to have one the morning after the Preferred Campaign Donors’ Booze Cruise. Yeah, you don’t want to be seen hungover.

15. Back in the day, small appliances were so rugged and macho such as the Powerflow Hairdryer.

Yes, this is a hair dryer. No, it's not some kind of scanner or phaser of any kind. And no, I don't think it has a laser. So why are any of you asking these questions?

Yes, this is a hair dryer. No, it’s not some kind of scanner or phaser of any kind. And no, I don’t think it has a laser. This isn’t a piece of Star Trek technology here. So why are any of you asking these questions?

16. “Look, Mommy, that’s a Silversword plant, only known to Hawaii.”

From another card: “The SILVERSWORD—a member of the composit family, grows from 4 to 20 years—finally sending up a flower stalk 1 to 9 feet tall—then dies. Hawaiian name is "Ahina Ahina” which means Silver Hair. The Silversword is found only in Hawaii.“ Yeah,  it's a real plant, but I'm sure your folks back home might see it as a prank. Seriously, this is one of the most phallic Hawaiian plants I've ever seen.

From another card: “The SILVERSWORD—a member of the composit family, grows from 4 to 20 years—finally sending up a flower stalk 1 to 9 feet tall—then dies. Hawaiian name is “Ahina Ahina” which means Silver Hair. The Silversword is found only in Hawaii.“ Yeah, it’s a real plant, but I’m sure your folks back home might see it as a prank. Seriously, this is one of the most phallic Hawaiian plants I’ve ever seen.

17. “Travel is so broadening.”

Yes, these are two dogs in the bar and drinking booze. Yes, I know it's supposed to be romantic and adorable. However, I'm not sure if the lady dog is up for what the guy dog is hinting at.

Yes, these are two dogs in the bar and drinking booze. Yes, I know it’s supposed to be romantic and adorable. However, I’m not sure if the lady dog is up for what the guy dog is hinting at.

18. “Ah! Sweet misery of love.”

I don't know about you. But it seems to me that these dogs don't seem like they're madly in love with each other. Rather, they seem bored and wishing the whole party would be over.

I don’t know about you. But it seems to me that these dogs don’t seem like they’re madly in love with each other. Rather, they seem bored and wishing the whole party would be over.

19. Hangover this morning? Drink Kona Coffee Grog.

Oh wait, Kona Coffee Grog is a name of a Fort Lauderdale restaurant. Still, this drink seems to resemble a Mai-Tai cocktail than anything else. Also, they have a Mystery Bowl drink, which I really don't want to know.

Oh wait, Kona Coffee Grog is a name of a Fort Lauderdale restaurant and bar. Still, this drink seems to resemble a Mai-Tai cocktail than anything else. Also, they have a Mystery Bowl drink, which I really don’t want to know.

20. “We miss you from Anna Maria, Florida.”

Seems like Anna Maria, Florida has a lot of alligator-on-woman action at its beaches. Still, no matter how ferocious the gator is, the lady in red still smiles. Well, until she finds out she's dinner anyway.

Seems like Anna Maria, Florida has a lot of alligator-on-woman action at its beaches. Still, no matter how ferocious the gator is, the lady in red still smiles. Well, until she finds out she’s dinner anyway.

21. Come to the National Civil War Museum in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where you can see a display of John Brown’s execution for his raid on Harper’s Ferry in present day West Virginia.

Man, John Brown doesn't seem to have much fashion sense does he? Still, I know the man's execution was a rather harrowing and somber event. But I just can't take this somber display seriously for some reason.

Man, John Brown doesn’t seem to have much fashion sense does he? Still, I know the man’s execution was a rather harrowing and somber event. But I just can’t take this somber display seriously for some reason.

22. Welcome to Kalkaska, Michigan, home of the National Trout Festival.

Hate to say this, but I think the trout would look better without the lighting. Seriously, this fountain trout looks terrifying in the night light. Like it's some kind of water monster.

Hate to say this, but I think the trout would look better without the lighting. Seriously, this fountain trout looks terrifying in the night light. Like it’s some kind of water monster.

23. Seems like there’s a dolphin rapture or they’re working for some evil old guy.

"Fly, fly, my pretties! The first to get that kid who stole my lawn mower gets these free fish!" Well, at least they're not flying monkeys. Those were terrifying.

“Fly, fly, my pretties! The first to get that kid who stole my lawn mower gets these free fish!” Well, at least they’re not flying monkeys. Those were terrifying.

24. Let’s just say, I don’t think wax museums should cover certain events pertaining to solemn events like the Battle of Little Big Horn.

Custer's eyes just ruin any of the solemnity the event this museum was trying to create. I mean Custer looks like a freaking zombie that it's hilarious.

Custer’s eyes just ruin any of the solemnity the event this museum was trying to create. I mean Custer looks like a freaking zombie that it’s hilarious.

25. John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson receive guidance from George Washington.

Man, I can't help but wonder whether Ben Franklin and George Washington are wearing eyeliner in this or not. Of course, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson really don't seem to get along at the moment. Seems like Jefferson hasn't been having a good day at all.

Man, I can’t help but wonder whether Ben Franklin and George Washington are wearing eyeliner in this or not. Of course, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson really don’t seem to get along at the moment. Seems like Jefferson hasn’t been having a good day at all.

26. May I present to you Bubbles the Seahorse.

Seems like this woman is choking the poor seahorse. And she's enjoying it! Seriously, let's hope it's just some kinky erotic asphyxiation and not anything sinister. Always look on the bright side of things.

Seems like this woman is choking the poor seahorse. And she’s enjoying it! Seriously, let’s hope it’s just some kinky erotic asphyxiation and not anything sinister. Always look on the bright side of things.

27. Welcome to Homosassa Springs.

Guess one of the items on Governor Rick Scott's agenda is to change the place's name to Heterasassa Springs. Still doesn't incite the same kind of giggles. Even funny how it shows a woman with orchids. As if there's nothing gay going on there, really.

Guess one of the items on Governor Rick Scott’s agenda is to change the place’s name to Heterasassa Springs. Still when I hear of Homosassa Springs, I don’t imagine a pretty girl holding orchids. Well, unless she’s buying them for her girlfriend at the Bull Dyke Bar and Grille.

28. “Brad, it’s our anniversary, I don’t want to wear the wig tonight, okay?”

Yeah, I know this is supposed to be one of these cute animal postcards. But somehow, I'm not sure Fifi would want us making fun of her style job. Maybe she should opt for a more natural look.

Yeah, I know this is supposed to be one of these cute animal postcards. But somehow, I’m not sure Fifi would want us making fun of her style job. Maybe she should opt for a more natural look.

29. “This next song I’m going to play is called ‘Monkey Business’ from the album Bananas.”

However, I'm sure such a postcard wouldn't go well with the members of the Rolling Stones, Ron Wood and Keith Richards in particular. Then again, he kind of looks like Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters.

However, I’m sure such a postcard wouldn’t go well with the members of the Rolling Stones, Ron Wood and Keith Richards in particular. Then again, he kind of looks like Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters.

30. The First Baptist Church of Van Nuys presents the Living Christmas Tree.

Well, I'm sure churches tend to get tired of staging the same boring Christmas pageant year after year. Could you really blame these people for wanting to try something a bit different? But yeah, it's pretty much over the top and ridiculous. Oh, and yes it does seem like something a cult would do. But what do you know.

Well, I’m sure churches tend to get tired of staging the same boring Christmas pageant year after year. Could you really blame these people for wanting to try something a bit different? But yeah, it’s pretty much over the top and ridiculous. Oh, and yes it does seem like something a cult would do. But what do you know.

31. Come to Florida for the sun, fun, and beauty.

Well, she has some fun and sun all right. But I'm not sure she's a beauty per se, though some may beg to differ. Still, what the hell is she doing? Water in her ears? Practicing rain dance? Throwing a discus?

Well, she has some fun and sun all right. But I’m not sure she’s a beauty per se, though some may beg to differ. Still, what the hell is she doing? Water in her ears? Practicing rain dance? Throwing a discus?

32. While dolphins are seen as lovable creatures in Florida, I’m not so sure if you’d say the same at Niagara Falls.

Yes, Bucky wasn't the kind of friendly dolphin at the aquarium and didn't care for people much. Well, unless he was allowed to murder and eat them. Still, that is the most evil looking dolphin I've ever seen.

Yes, Bucky wasn’t the kind of friendly dolphin at the aquarium and didn’t care for people much. Well, unless he was allowed to murder and eat them. Still, that is the most evil looking dolphin I’ve ever seen.

33. Come to Josephine Tussaud’s London Wax Museum in St. Petersburg, Florida and relive the time when Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald in front of the cameras.

Now I'm not sure why anyone would want a wax display of such a scene. Still, Oswald looks like he's about to break into song and dance. Or possibly auditioning as a zombie for Michael Jackson's Thriller album.

Now I’m not sure why anyone would want a wax display of such a scene. Still, Oswald looks like he’s about to break into song and dance. Or possibly auditioning as a zombie for Michael Jackson’s Thriller album.

34. “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

Seems like this museum has managed to make Neil Armstrong quite terrifying in his space suit. Of course, the soft space suit and claw hands don't help either.

Seems like this museum has managed to make Neil Armstrong quite terrifying in his space suit. Of course, the soft space suit and claw hands don’t help either.

35. Seems like Jesus likes to spend time chilling with this brethren.

I don't know about you but this Jesus seems like he's been passing a sacred joint to his disciples and saying, "Take this, all of you and smoke it. This is, uh, never mind. But don't Bogart it and that means you, Judas Iscariot." Yes, this is the closest thing we have to a Stoner Jesus.

I don’t know about you but this Jesus seems like he’s been passing a sacred joint to his disciples and saying, “Take this, all of you and smoke it. This is, uh, never mind. But don’t Bogart it and that means you, Judas Iscariot.” Yes, this is the closest thing we have to a Stoner Jesus.

36. An average catch in this lake is bound to devour a man.

Now that fish is obviously photoshopped in this picture. Seriously, it looks painted. Besides, I think this is from a place that's quite desperate for some tourism.

Now that fish is obviously photoshopped in this picture. Seriously, it looks painted. Besides, I think this is from a place that’s quite desperate for some tourism. I’m sure the fish there aren’t that big.

37. Seems like this Totem Pole has an eye out for women to smooch.

"Honey, drop the camera and run! It's going to suck all your blood!" After this moment, Greta would never be seen again, until her corpse was found on some roadside.

“Honey, drop the camera and run! It’s going to suck all your blood!” After this moment, Greta would never be seen again, until her corpse was found on some roadside. Yes, that totem was cursed.

38. Come to Death Valley and see the Ghost Riders in the Sky.

Looks more like some depressing Christmas card to me. Still, the ghost riders don't seem as menacing in this postcard as they do in the hit Johnny Cash song.

Looks more like some depressing Christmas card to me. Still, the ghost riders don’t seem as menacing in this postcard as they do in the hit Johnny Cash song.

39. “Welcome to our hair salon. Our stylists are among the best of the biz.”

Yes, it's a hair salon. But it sort of has an atmosphere one would associate with an insane asylum. May because almost everyone is dressed in white and everything looks so clean. I think I'd rather stick with my own stylists, thank you very much.

Yes, it’s a hair salon. But it sort of has an atmosphere one would associate with an insane asylum. May because almost everyone is dressed in white and everything looks so clean. I think I’d rather stick with my own stylists, thank you very much.

40. “After all these years, I’m still not sure how I ended up a snake dentist.”

Of course, if he was seen talking to Snakes in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, I'm sure it wouldn't go well. Seriously, read the Chamber of Secrets when Harry spoke to one in front of some of his fellow students.

Of course, if he was seen talking to Snakes in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, I’m sure it wouldn’t go well. Seriously, read the Chamber of Secrets when Harry spoke to one in front of some of his fellow students.

41. At the Madonna Inn, we’re sure this poppy room is guaranteed to put you to sleep.

This is called, "The California Poppy Room." From the card: "The lavish use of our State flower is applauded by all nature lovers…and we agree that the Poppy is beautiful!" Yes, but do they also know what comes from poppies? It's not something that has a good reputation.

This is called, “The California Poppy Room.” From the card: “The lavish use of our State flower is applauded by all nature lovers…and we agree that the Poppy is beautiful!” Yes, but do they also know what comes from poppies? It’s not something that has a good reputation.

42. Seems like royal coronation ceremonies have become quite a bit informal these days.

I'm sure no queen in her right mind would want to attend her own coronation ceremony in a plaid skirt and beige sweater. Even kings wear more elaborate outfits than that.

I’m sure no queen in her right mind would want to attend her own coronation ceremony in a plaid skirt and beige sweater. Even kings wear more elaborate outfits than that.

43. The Weeki Wachee Mermaids present Alice in Waterland.

Now by looking at these ladies, I'm sure their rendition of the Lewis Carroll tale is far more trippier than the Disney movie. Also, I'd hate to be the Mad Hatter in this.

Now by looking at these ladies, I’m sure their rendition of the Lewis Carroll tale is far more trippier than the Disney movie. Also, I’d hate to be the Mad Hatter in this.

44. LBJ says: “Let us reason together.”

Which means he'll probably try to get you to agree with him in any way he can. But if not, he could always zip down his pants and wave his tallywacker at you. Oh, yes, he really did this, by the way.

Which means he’ll probably try to get you to agree with him in any way he can. But if not, he could always zip down his pants and wave his tallywacker at you. Oh, yes, he really did this, by the way.

45. “Howdy and come on down to the grand ol’ rattlesnake rodeo. Yeeehaw!”

Man, I know it's photoshopped but I'd sure want to see this. Also, let's hope that the ol' rattler don't take a bite out of any of the bulls and steers.

Man, I know it’s photoshopped but I’d sure want to see this. A rodeo with cowboys riding rattlesnakes would be awesome! Also, let’s hope that the ol’ rattler don’t take a bite out of any of the bulls and steers. Because that could be a problem.

46. “Waiting for you in Florida.”

Let's just say that Florida tends to have a thing for alligators. Besides, I just hope this one devours Tim Tebow and not any random tourists.

Let’s just say that Florida tends to have a thing for alligators. Besides, I just hope this one devours Tim Tebow and not any random tourists.

47. “Hello, kids, and welcome to Crazy Joe Killemall’s NRA gun camp for boys.”

"Remember, kids, always keep your rifle ready at all times. Well, as long as you use common sense first." Actually this is on safe marksmanship. Nevertheless, the NRA wasn't the kind of crazy gun lobby it is nowadays. Still, I do wonder if the man in this wants to raise an army of American boy soldiers though.

“Remember, kids, always keep your rifle ready at all times. Well, as long as you use common sense first.” Actually this is on safe marksmanship. Nevertheless, the NRA wasn’t the kind of crazy gun lobby it is nowadays. Still, I do wonder if the man in this wants to raise an army of American boy soldiers though. Yeah, probably shouldn’t dwell on these thoughts.

48, Have a snapping good time in Florida.

Yeah, I'm sure that the gator doesn't just want to nibble her bum. To me, he might be in the mood for some human rump roast if he asks her out to dinner.

Yeah, I’m sure that the gator doesn’t just want to nibble her bum. To me, he might be in the mood for some human rump roast if he asks her out to dinner.

49. While beer drinking is common in Germany, it’s said that a real man can down 15 six-packs.

Okay, maybe it doesn't hold 15 six-packs. But still, the guy will probably end up in the ER if he even dares to drink that amount this stine can hold.

Okay, maybe it doesn’t hold 15 six-packs. But still, the guy will probably end up in the ER if he even dares to drink that amount this stine can hold.

50. Come to Florida and see Miami’s ultra-modern architecture.

Hate to insult the people of Miami. But if this is your best specimen of your ultra-modern architecture, then it's fair to say that most of your ultra-modern buildings are ugly. Seriously, it looks like some wicker basket or container.

Hate to insult the people of Miami. But if this is your best specimen of your ultra-modern architecture, then it’s fair to say that most of your ultra-modern buildings are ugly. Seriously, it looks like some wicker basket or container.

51. Preachers, baptize your parishioners in style with this deluxe portable baptistery.

Of course, I can't really relate to this because as a Catholic, most of the baptisms I've been to pertained to babies.  Still, as a baptistery, I kind of have a feeling it's a bit extravagant. Like akin to a megachurch pastor's luxurious bathtub. Why can't the minister baptize people in the river? It's cheaper.

Of course, I can’t really relate to this because as a Catholic, most of the baptisms I’ve been to pertained to babies, including my own. Still, as a baptistery, I kind of have a feeling it’s a bit extravagant. Like akin to a megachurch pastor’s luxurious bathtub. Why can’t the minister baptize people in the river? It’s cheaper.

52. Do you ever get the feeling that the drapes are watching you?

Yes, they may be matching curtains. But they seem to form a face of something so terrifying beyond the imagination. Makes me want to part them even if it means sacrificing my privacy.

Yes, they may be matching curtains. But they seem to form a face of something so terrifying beyond the imagination. Makes me want to part them even if it means sacrificing my privacy.

53. Seems like Herman the Hippo loves seeing Bridget spray the hose at him.

However, though hippos are indeed herbivores, this doesn't mean they're nice and won't kill you. I mean there are more people killed by hippos in Africa than lions. And if Herman gets angry at Bridget spraying him, then she'll be in very big trouble.

However, though hippos are indeed herbivores, this doesn’t mean they’re nice and won’t kill you. I mean there are more people killed by hippos in Africa than lions. And if Herman gets angry at Bridget spraying him, then she’ll be in very big trouble.

54. Ross Allen’s Reptile Institute presents Beauty and the Boa.

Let's hope that the snake isn't poisonous. Of course, this is in Florida so the woman was required to wear a skimpy swimsuit before going on stage.

Let’s hope that the snake isn’t poisonous. Of course, this is in Florida so the woman was required to wear a skimpy swimsuit before going on stage.

55. “Behold, He is risen!”

Looks like somebody took a big bite out of Jesus's armpit. Angel's like, "Dude, can I borrow five bucks?"

Looks like somebody took a big bite out of Jesus’s armpit. Angel’s like, “Dude, can I borrow five bucks?”

56. “Wish you were here!” from Alcatraz.

Let's just say I'm not sure if I'd want to receive a postcard from Alcatraz. I know it's now a museum and occasional movie location. But still, it's a famous federal prison.

Let’s just say I’m not sure if I’d want to receive a postcard from Alcatraz. I know it’s now a museum and occasional movie location. But still, it’s a famous federal prison.

57. Greetings from the Farmer’s Market of Los Angeles, California.

From how I see it, it seems more like a bakery than a farmer's market. Seriously, it would make more sense if they did a farmer's market postcards with pictures of fruits and vegetables. Not cakes.

From how I see it, it seems more like a bakery than a farmer’s market. Seriously, it would make more sense if they did a farmer’s market postcards with pictures of fruits and vegetables. Not cakes.

58. Every Friday evening at the Azure Tides Hotel Court in Sarasota, Florida, they hold King Neptune’s Table Buffet.

I can see it now, "Buffet Fish Retaliates Against Chefs....No Deaths Reported." Still, that's a huge fish at the table and seems to make the occasion look ridiculous.

I can see it now, “Buffet Fish Retaliates Against Chefs….No Deaths Reported.” Still, that’s a huge fish at the table and seems to make the occasion look ridiculous.

59. Greetings from Clear Lake, Iowa?

For some reason when I think of Iowa, visions of people water skiing usually don't come to mind. Seriously, this scene doesn't remind me of Iowa at all.

For some reason when I think of Iowa, visions of people water skiing usually don’t come to mind. Seriously, this scene doesn’t remind me of Iowa at all.

60. Welcome to the Moon Gate Motel. Enjoy your stay.

Now I have to admit, this motel's architecture is certainly out of this world. Actually it looks as if it was designed by someone from an alien planet. Said that George Jetson frequented the Moonfleet Cocktail Lounge at Happy Hour.

Now I have to admit, this motel’s architecture is certainly out of this world. Actually it looks as if it was designed by someone from an alien planet. Said that George Jetson frequented the Moonfleet Cocktail Lounge for Happy Hour.

61. Greetings from Shamrock, Texas, home of the world’s youngest hitchhikers.

Man, they really start out so young out there. However, hitchhiking isn't the safest way of transportation. In fact, it's anything but, especially for toddlers.

Man, they really start out so young out there. However, hitchhiking isn’t the safest way of transportation. In fact, it’s anything but, especially for toddlers.

62. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you Space Chimp.

Of course, I'm not sure whether the space capsule would work in space or be approved by NASA. But chimp looks quite proud in his spacesuit.

Of course, I’m not sure whether the space capsule would work in space or be approved by NASA. But chimp looks quite proud in his spacesuit.

63. “What’s the matter? Haven’t you’ve seen a woman riding a seahorse underwater before?”

Well, at least "Bubbles" the seahorse is all right. But still, he seems to have dealt with a lot of shit. Nevertheless, these women underwater stuff is quite funny.

Well, at least “Bubbles” the seahorse is all right. But still, he seems to have dealt with a lot of shit. Nevertheless, these women underwater stuff is quite funny. Especially if she almost seems like she’s posing as a model for Sports Illustrated.

64. Bringing you the latest in underwater entertainment.

And they seem to contain women in yellow swimsuits and wings as well as doing who knows what. Yeah, it's kind of over the top. But hey, they're from Florida.

And they seem to contain women in yellow swimsuits and wings as well as doing who knows what. Yeah, it’s kind of over the top. But hey, they’re from Florida.

65. “Good morning, honey, coffee’s ready.”

Something tells me that this coffee contains something poisonous. I don't know why. Must be the woman's soulless face and evil smile. God, she looks so terrifying like she has murder on the mind.

Something tells me that this coffee contains something poisonous. I don’t know why. Must be the woman’s soulless face and evil smile. God, she looks so terrifying like she has murder on the mind.

66. When it comes to a dog and a child, there is always mutual affection.

However, while it's supposed to show "mutual affection," the facial expressions make it seem very one-sided. The girl really seems to love her collie. The collie, on the other hand, either doesn't show its feelings or just doesn't care.

However, while it’s supposed to show “mutual affection,” the facial expressions make it seem very one-sided. The girl really seems to love her collie. The collie, on the other hand, either doesn’t show its feelings or just doesn’t care.

67. Of course, photos of children and puppies are always adorable.

Of course, this girl is like "I'll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever." Meanwhile the dog is like, "Help me."

Of course, this girl is like “I’ll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever.” Meanwhile the dog is like, “Help me.” Still, the puppy just can’t find no escape from the girl with the evil grin and soulless eyes.

68. Ladies and gentlemen, here’s Chattanooga’s Confederama.

Basically this is a tourist trap for racists as you see with the Confederate flag at the castle towers. God only knows what kind of stuff they have in there. I'm sure it's highly offensive.

Basically this is a tourist trap for racists as you see with the Confederate flag at the castle towers. God only knows what kind of stuff they have in there. I’m sure it’s highly offensive.

69. Here’s a scene of Abraham Lincoln passing Lancaster, Pennsylvania on his way to inauguration in Washington D.C. in 1861.

I don't know about you, but Mary Lincoln doesn't seem to look so good. In fact, she doesn't seem to look like herself at all. At least Lincoln has his beard and stovepipe hat.

I don’t know about you, but Mary Lincoln doesn’t seem to look so good. In fact, she doesn’t seem to look like herself at all. At least Lincoln has his beard and stovepipe hat.

70. “Finally, found a place we could afford.”

Well, it doesn't look like much. But I'm sure with some improvements and repairs, it'll look right as rain. Actually it looks like a shithole and I suppose the neighborhood is shitty, too. Probably should think about renting an apartment instead.

Well, it doesn’t look like much. But I’m sure with some improvements and repairs, it’ll look right as rain. Actually it looks like a shithole disaster area and I suppose the neighborhood is shitty, too. Probably should think about renting an apartment instead.

Fun with Rugs

orientalrug1

Whether as a welcome mat or as carpeting, rugs have been around for quite some time.Now rugs are said to have existed from the 2nd millennium BCE in the Middle East as we know it. But it’s said that they might’ve been making these things since the 7th millennium BCE which means that rugs have been around longer than writing. Nevertheless, almost every culture in the world has some kind of carpeting from the Middle East to India, China, and Siberia. Of course, while most people use rugs and carpeting to cover their floors, some also hang them on their wall either to muffle sound (like music and band rooms) or for decoration. Now I can spend this post talking about all the wonderful kinds of rugs out there but you’d probably get board after I show you enough from the Middle East. So instead, I’ll show you a few of the unusual variety. Sure many of them might look cool but some will look quite tacky. Others may be taken from pop culture references as well. Yet, none of them would be like Aladdin has. So without further adieu, here are some of the unique rugs for your reading pleasure.

1. Some dogs will do anything for some juicy ribs.

Of course, the dog might've placed this mat at the insistence of its owners. Nevertheless, I kind of think it's a joke. Besides, most dogs are simply happy to get the scraps.

Of course, the dog might’ve placed this mat at the insistence of its owners. Nevertheless, I kind of think it’s a joke. Besides, most dogs are simply happy to get the scraps.

2. Now you can have a room all by yourself with this chalk outline guy crime scene rug.

What makes this rug better is that you can take it anywhere to show your friends. Boy, this will make a great conversation place at your next gym or yoga class.

What makes this rug better is that you can take it anywhere to show your friends. Boy, this will make a great conversation place at your next gym or yoga class.

3. This rug will make the perfect tapestry for the hunting lodge come next deer hunting season.

Seems like Bambi and his friends love doing two things in their spare time:  playing poker and killing hunters for revenge. Yes, you wouldn't want to see these bucks in the headlights. Love how they're smoking and drinking beer.

Seems like Bambi and his friends love doing two things in their spare time: playing poker and killing hunters for revenge. Yes, you wouldn’t want to see these bucks in the headlights. Love how they’re smoking and drinking beer.

4. This rug will go great with the hardwood flooring.

Of course, I think it might resemble too much of the hardwood flooring anyway. Still, I don't know whether it's quite clever or quite lame.

Of course, I think it might resemble too much of the hardwood flooring anyway. Still, I don’t know whether it’s quite clever or quite lame. Either way, I’m sure nobody would want it.

5. For the Pinellas County, Florida sheriff’s office, it’s always, “In Dog We Trust.”

This especially goes with tracking missing persons or fugitives. Of course, they also do dog sniffing as well. Nevertheless, it's quite funny.

This especially goes with tracking missing persons or fugitives. Of course, they also do dog sniffing as well. Nevertheless, it’s quite funny.

6. While most homes have welcome mats, I’m not sure if this qualifies.

This is probably an antithesis of the welcome mat. Of course, this person might have a restraining order against someone at the worst. At best, he or she might just not like people.

This is probably an antithesis of the welcome mat. Of course, this person might have a restraining order against someone at the worst. At best, he or she might just not like people.

7. Of course, while bears may be endangered in your area, you can always go with a demon rug to scare people.

Wonder if the owner of this rug is an exorcist of some sort. Then again, I'm not sure if any exorcist would want this, especially in the movies.

Wonder if the owner of this rug is an exorcist of some sort. Then again, I’m not sure if any exorcist would want this, especially in the movies.

8. Sometimes when it comes to rugs, some people prefer to be brief or tidy white.

Now this is an interesting specimen. Unless it's for a single guy's bathroom, I'm not really sure where such a rug may go. Besides, I think this might be given as a joke.

Now this is an interesting specimen. Unless it’s for a single guy’s bathroom, I’m not really sure where such a rug may go. Besides, I think this might be given as a joke.

9. When it comes to rugs, occasionally the bigger and fluffier the better.

Then again, children might get lost in this one. Besides, it might cost a lot to clean and maintain. Maybe stick with less shaggy ones.

Then again, children might get lost in this one. Besides, it might cost a lot to clean and maintain. Maybe stick with less shaggy ones.

10. In this living room carpet, a polar bear stands alone on an iceberg.

Unlike the real Arctic, at least the carpet ice will never melt as far as this polar bear is concerned. Then again, I wonder if Al Gore has a carpet like this.

Unlike the real Arctic, at least the carpet ice will never melt as far as this polar bear is concerned. Then again, I wonder if Al Gore has a carpet like this.

11. A rug like this might also double as furniture.

It's also shaped like you'd see a golf course. But unlike real golf courses, it's much more eco-friendly and cheaper to maintain.

It’s also shaped like you’d see a golf course. But unlike real golf courses, it’s much more eco-friendly and cheaper to maintain.

12. Man, looking at a rug like this makes me want to go out and skin a Persian bear.

Of course, I wonder how those Persian bears manage to have all those ornate colors and prints on their skin. Then again, why is it that we never see a Persian bear live?

Of course, I wonder how those Persian bears manage to have all those ornate colors and prints on their skin. Then again, why is it that we never see a Persian bear live?

13. Now I have to admit that this rug really ties the room together.

Now this rug is of the Dude's face from The Big Lebowski. Let's just say, you'll see a few of these from this movie. Because part of it pertains to a rug.

Now this rug is of the Dude’s face from The Big Lebowski. Let’s just say, you’ll see a few of these from this movie. Because part of it pertains to a rug.

14. As far as the Dude may say, this rug abides.

Now this rug contains items you'd associate from The Big Lebowski such as a bowling ball and pins, scissors, guns, toilets, pot leaves, etc. Still, I'm sure any Big Lebowski fan would love it.

Now this rug contains items you’d associate from The Big Lebowski such as a bowling ball and pins, scissors, guns, toilets, pot leaves, etc. Still, I’m sure any Big Lebowski fan would love it.

15. Of course, you and your friends will never know who made these tracks.

I'm sure this would be a great rug for murder mystery dinners, along with the crime scene one. Still, the footprints might make you wonder.

I’m sure this would be a great rug for murder mystery dinners, along with the crime scene one. Still, the footprints might make you wonder.

16. Guess the bloody footprints on this bath mat might leave a lot to the imagination.

Of course, hope nobody calls the police over this. Because you might need to explain yourself that the scene is not what it looks like.

Of course, hope nobody calls the police over this. Because you might need to explain yourself that the scene is not what it looks like.

17. Seems like these rugs are the skins of Elmo and the Abominable Snowman.

Of course, one of these rugs is bound to frighten a small child. The other, not so much. Still, I'm not sure you'd want either of them in a home with children.

Of course, one of these rugs is bound to frighten a small child. The other, not so much. Still, I’m not sure you’d want either of them in a home with children.

18. Finally, a rug that can tell you the time of day.

Actually this is an alarm clock rug. Still, I'm not sure if I'd want something that would have to make me step on the snooze button.

Actually this is an alarm clock rug. Still, I’m not sure if I’d want something that would have to make me step on the snooze button.

19. Now if someone had a rug like this, I might want to question their sanity.

Actually these are Afghan War rugs made in Afghanistan as an artistic depiction. And they were made available in a Kabul bazaar. Now I feel terrible.

Actually these are Afghan War rugs made in Afghanistan as an artistic depiction. And they were made available in a Kabul bazaar. Now I feel terrible.

20. Seems like Cookie Monster couldn’t resist those Chips Ahoy in his final moments.

Yes, this is a Cookie Monster skin rug. And yes, it comes with cookies. Said to be marketed for families. But I guarantee this might traumatize some children.

Yes, this is a Cookie Monster skin rug. And yes, it comes with cookies. Said to be marketed for families. But I guarantee this might traumatize some children.

21. If you can’t afford a chalk outline crime scene rug, then this body rug will do nicely.

Hmmm....now this may either freak out your guests or make them think you're awesome. Either way, it'll make a great conversation piece.

Hmmm….now this may either freak out your guests or make them think you’re awesome. Either way, it’ll make a great conversation piece.

22. Now with a carpet like this, you can play hopscotch in all kinds of weather.

And you don't have to worry about your local crime rate or weather conditions either. Still, compared to a lot of activities, hop scotch can get quite boring.

And you don’t have to worry about your local crime rate or weather conditions either. Still, compared to a lot of activities, hop scotch can get quite boring.

23. Now this Band Aid rug is sure to go well with many rooms in your house or medical office.

Then again, this rug is probably more appropriate for a doctor's office or a hospital waiting area. Of course, it's quite long and narrow, too.

Then again, this rug is probably more appropriate for a doctor’s office or a hospital waiting area. Of course, it’s quite long and narrow, too.

24. Step right up and have this rug guess your weight.

Now this is interesting a bathroom scale rug. Of course, not sure if I want my bath mat to tell me that I need to lose a few.

Now this is interesting a bathroom scale rug. Of course, not sure if I want my bath mat to tell me that I need to lose a few.

25. Sometimes doormats can really elicit a lot of mixed messages on occasions.

Looking at this mat, I'm not sure if I should come in or go way. Perhaps I should knock or ring the doorbell to make sure. Then again, I might want to high tail it.

Looking at this mat, I’m not sure if I should come in or go way. Perhaps I should knock or ring the doorbell to make sure. Then again, I might want to high tail it.

26. Now your door mat can look just like any ordinary manhole cover.

Of course, I'm sure you can wipe your feet on it. But you'd probably be disappointed that lifting it won't lead you to a sewer.

Of course, I’m sure you can wipe your feet on it. But you’d probably be disappointed that lifting it won’t lead you to a sewer.

27. I’m not sure if I want to walk into the middle if I were you.

Of course, it might just be an illusion. But do you really want to know the hard way? Do you? That's what I thought.

Of course, it might just be an illusion. But do you really want to know the hard way? Do you? That’s what I thought.

28. I suppose this person prefers that we ring.

Seems like they're not fond of visitors or they're really into Breaking Bad. Either way, you don't want to mess with Walter White at their doorstep.

Seems like they’re not fond of visitors or they’re really into Breaking Bad. Either way, you don’t want to mess with Walter White at their doorstep.

29. Of course, all this rug cost were two over easy.

Wonder if it goes with any furniture made to resemble toast or bacon. Sure might like to see that.

Wonder if it goes with any furniture made to resemble toast or bacon. Sure might like to see that.

30. A rug like this can be flipped according to the season.

Now I guess green is for spring and summer while brown is for fall and winter. And I guess you have to flip it every March and September.

Now I guess green is for spring and summer while brown is for fall and winter. And I guess you have to flip it every March and September.

31. Though some may play video games, who can boast having a video game controller rug?

I'm guessing this might be from a 1990s Ninendo 64 but I'm not sure. Guess I didn't grow up with video games back in the day.

I’m guessing this might be from a 1990s Ninendo 64 but I’m not sure. Guess I didn’t grow up with video games back in the day.

32. Grace your living space with a rug that goes with the topography.

I mean a rug that resembles topography. You know hills, mountains, and all. Also, I should count flora, too like greenery.

I mean a rug that resembles topography. You know hills, mountains, and all. Also, I should count flora, too like greenery.

33. Wouldn’t you want a shag carpet that could just keep you warm on cold days?

Sorry, but rugs were never meant for comfort. Besides, I had a shag rug once in college and it spread large clumps of lint all over the place. Wouldn't recommend it for anyone.

Sorry, but rugs were never meant for comfort. Besides, I had a shag rug once in college and it spread large clumps of lint all over the place. Wouldn’t recommend it for anyone.

34. Now this rug will certainly go well with the woodwork at this establishment.

And I sure reckon that they got this from a pretty large, tall, and old tree. I mean look at the diameter of this thing! Of course, I'm just kidding there. Yet, there have been trees that have lived hundreds of years.

And I sure reckon that they got this from a pretty large, tall, and old tree. I mean look at the diameter of this thing! Of course, I’m just kidding there. Yet, there have been trees that have lived hundreds of years.

35. Oh, God, looks like someone spilled something on the carpet again.

Oh, wait, it was actually designed this way. As of why I have no idea. Still, wonder how these people will explain the spill to their guests.

Oh, wait, it was actually designed this way. As of why I have no idea. Still, wonder how these people will explain the spill to their guests.

36. Nothing gives a room character than a rug of a hedge row maze.

Of course, I'm not sure if I want to run a pen or pencil through this. Then again, this was meant for decoration, not problem solving.

Of course, I’m not sure if I want to run a pen or pencil through this. Then again, this was meant for decoration, not problem solving.

37. Guess who ever has this rug is a big Lionel Ritchie fan.

Let's just say I'm not a big fan of this. Nor do I care for this song. But l do like how it's used as a welcome mat. Seriously, is it clever or what?

Let’s just say I’m not a big fan of this. Nor do I care for this song. But l do like how it’s used as a welcome mat. Seriously, is it clever or what?

38. Nothing makes a room better than a rug of a Mesoamerican calendar.

Then again, knowing what the Pre-Columbian peoples did to certain people, I'm not sure if this would be appropriate as a bath mat. Or for any other room.

Then again, knowing what the Pre-Columbian peoples did to certain people, I’m not sure if this would be appropriate as a bath mat. Or for any other room.

39. Guess whoever designed this exotic rugs might’ve been under the influence or was just plain incompetent.

Okay, now the design is fine. But I can't say the same about the shape. Seriously, rugs like these should usually be rectangular. Not whatever this shape is.

Okay, now the design is fine. But I can’t say the same about the shape. Seriously, rugs like these should usually be rectangular. Not whatever this shape is.

40. Now I don’t know where these stairs lead to. But I’m not sure if I want to try.

Then again, it's just a rug. But in Warner Brothers cartoons, I can guess Roadrunner can pass right through. But Wiley Coyote unfortunately can't.

Then again, it’s just a rug. But in Warner Brothers cartoons, I can guess Roadrunner can pass right through. But Wiley Coyote unfortunately can’t.

41. Mind that you keep an eye on the floor when you get in.

Of course, when I said, "eye on the floor" I didn't mean in that context. Also, it looks quite disgusting for my taste.

Of course, when I said, “eye on the floor” I didn’t mean in that context. Also, it looks quite disgusting for my taste.

42. Guess if you’re one of those bullrogs, you might want to pass this one.

Yes, this is a Lord of the Rings doormat featuring Gandalf. And I'm sure this will be a hit with Middle Earth fans far and wide.

Yes, this is a Lord of the Rings doormat featuring Gandalf. And I’m sure this will be a hit with Middle Earth fans far and wide.

43. Nothing makes a room look badass than a rug with Hitler’s head on it.

I've seen rugs like these on Google Images. However, I used Hitler since he's probably the most acceptable example on this post. If you don't know that, read your WWII history books or watch Schindler's List. Okay, that's too depressing so you'd better go with The Great Dictator.

I’ve seen rugs like these on Google Images. However, I used Hitler since he’s probably the most acceptable example on this post. If you don’t know that, read your WWII history books or watch Schindler’s List. Okay, that’s too depressing so you’d better go with The Great Dictator.

44. Commemorate the Iraq War, with this genuine rug of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Then again, this rug of Iraq kind of brings back memories of not so pleasant time in American politics in which us Americans were lied into a war based on nonexistent WMDS. I'm sure that members of the Bush Administration have this to muse about happier times. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in particular.

Then again, this rug of Iraq kind of brings back memories of not so pleasant time in American politics in which us Americans were lied into a war based on nonexistent WMDS. I’m sure that members of the Bush Administration have this to muse about happier times. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in particular.

45. Not sure how the tire marks got there on this living room rug. Not sure if I want to find out.

Now this is one of those John Deer rugs now that I think about it. The tracks are supposed to be from tractor tires. Yeah, it's hard for me to explain.

Now this is one of those John Deer rugs now that I think about it. The tracks are supposed to be from tractor tires. Yeah, it’s hard for me to explain.

46. Enjoy a White Russian with your friends on this one-of-a-kind Big Lebowski rug.

Seems like that movie is quite popular among people who love rugs for some reason. I wonder why. Still, I wonder if they have ones for other characters.

Seems like that movie is quite popular among people who love rugs for some reason. I wonder why. Still, I wonder if they have ones for other characters.

47. For you meat lovers out there, this rug of kielbasa will do quite nicely.

They have a few of these pertaining to baloney, ham, and pork. Then again, this might be salami. It's hard to say.

They have a few of these pertaining to baloney, ham, and pork. Then again, this might be salami. It’s hard to say.

48. I’m sure an old timey mustache welcome mat will make your guests feel right at home.

I don't know about you, but when I see this rug, I expect a guy from the 1800s emerge and say, "Good day to you, madam, may I daresay the weather is just barmy."

I don’t know about you, but when I see this rug, I expect a guy from the 1800s emerge and say, “Good day to you, madam, may I daresay the weather is just barmy.”

49. As I’ve said before, there ain’t a better rug like an Oreo rug for the living room.

Of course, it doesn't seem to come with a sandwich unlike Oreo cookies. Nor can it be dunked. But I'm sure Nabisco would approve.

Of course, it doesn’t seem to come with a sandwich unlike Oreo cookies. Nor can it be dunked. But I’m sure Nabisco would approve.

50. If you like rocks and geology, this geode rug will do just nicely.

Now this is a real intricate formation this person has here. Then again, when it comes to floor coverings, I'm kind of a stickler for symmetry. It's what I'm used to so don't ask me.

Now this is a real intricate formation this person has here. Then again, when it comes to floor coverings, I’m kind of a stickler for symmetry. It’s what I’m used to so don’t ask me.

51. Nothing can make a Marvel fan’s day than having a Captain America shield rug in their bathroom.

Well, there are plenty of Captain America fans out there, I wonder how many would actually buy this. Well, other than single men, anyway. Still, something to talk about at the comic convention.

Well, there are plenty of Captain America fans out there, I wonder how many would actually buy this. Well, other than single men, anyway. Still, something to talk about at the comic convention.

52. Add a little Mexican flavor into your living room with this pinata skin rug.

However, though it's quite common in regular pinatas, this one doesn't contain any candy. The hunters made sure of that when they emptied it of its insides.

However, though it’s quite common in regular pinatas, this one doesn’t contain any candy. The hunters made sure of that when they emptied it of its insides.

53. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a rug containing roadkill.

Actually you can because I'm sure this won't go well with visitors who'd think you're quite demented. Then again, they might find it hilarious. Either way, it's pretty disgusting.

Actually you can because I’m sure this won’t go well with visitors who’d think you’re quite demented. Then again, they might find it hilarious. Either way, it’s pretty disgusting.

54. Of course, everyone has their own way of saying “go away” now and then.

As you know, by "blow this joint" it can mean either smoking a joint or getting your ass out of there. In this case, it's most likely the latter.

As you know, by “blow this joint” it can mean either smoking a joint or getting your ass out of there. In this case, it’s most likely the latter.

55. Now this rug is guaranteed to give you the ultimate Big Lebowski experience (besides watching the movie of course).

Though it initially resembles the rug from the movie. When you take a closer look, you'd recognize the bowling balls and pins as well as the faces of many of the characters. They have other stuff on there, too.

Though it initially resembles the rug from the movie. When you take a closer look, you’d recognize the bowling balls and pins as well as the faces of many of the characters. They have other stuff on there, too.

56. Why play Pacman on the screen while you can play it on the floor?

Because playing Pacman on the floor is way too easy. Still, I'm sure any fan of Atari would want this in their living room.

Because playing Pacman on the floor is way too easy. Still, I’m sure any fan of Atari would want this in their living room.

57. For those who love Nintendo, you might like this Super Mario Brothers map rug.

Unfortunately, I'm sure the princess is in another castle. And I'm positive that it's not on this map either. Sorry, folks.

Unfortunately, I’m sure the princess is in another castle. And I’m positive that it’s not on this map either. Sorry, folks.

58. For those Atari fans who didn’t care for Pacman, here’s a rug commemorating Space Invaders.

Man, seems like some rug makers tend to have a lot of Atari nostalgia. Still, looks quite ornate for one commemorating a video game.

Man, seems like some rug makers tend to have a lot of Atari nostalgia. Still, looks quite ornate for one commemorating a video game.

59. With this KISS rug you can rock and roll all night as well as party every day.

Now I'm not a fan of KISS but let's just say I couldn't pass this one up. Well, because it's certain to be way tackier than many other rock groups. Besides, I don't particularly think metal fans would be into rugs either.

Now I’m not a fan of KISS but let’s just say I couldn’t pass this one up. Well, because it’s certain to be way tackier than many other rock groups. Besides, I don’t particularly think metal fans would be into rugs either.

60. Any die hard Star Wars fan would know that you can’t possibly do without a rug of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

Now this is just priceless. Of course, I've seen Han Solo's carbonite image on almost everything you can think of. Still, pretty funny and almost looks real.

Now this is just priceless. Of course, I’ve seen Han Solo’s carbonite image on almost everything you can think of. Still, pretty funny and almost looks real.

61. Guess there’s nothing to see here. Guess we came to the wrong house.

Of course, let's just say this won't go well with some people. Particularly if the residents resemble Italians with New York accents known by names like "Harold Smith" or something like that. You might wonder whether they might have some kind of past.

Of course, let’s just say this won’t go well with some people. Particularly if the residents resemble Italians with New York accents known by names like “Harold Smith” or something like that. You might wonder whether they might have some kind of past.

62. Beware of Bunnies. Guess it’s time for me to come armed with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

Seems like Tim the Enchanter was right. Bunnies are monstrous animals with gnashing, pointy teeth. Yes, rabbits are dynamite, indeed.

Seems like Tim the Enchanter was right. Bunnies are monstrous animals with gnashing, pointy teeth. Yes, rabbits are dynamite, indeed.

63. Guess this belongs to a guy who works in computers. Wonder why I get that impression?

Now they tell me to wipe my feet before I come in. Nice, real nice. Still, not sure if I quite buy it.

Now they tell me to wipe my feet before I come in. Nice, real nice. Still, not sure if I quite buy it.

64. Guess someone needs to teach this cat how to bowl for tuna.

If it's not dogs taking their owners hostage for ribs, it's cats doing the same for tuna. Jesus, what is this world coming to already?

If it’s not dogs taking their owners hostage for ribs, it’s cats doing the same for tuna. Jesus, what is this world coming to already?

65. Have your kid reenact their favorite Star Wars scene with this Death Star rug.

However, remember this is not a moon, it's a space station. A space station with a weapon powerful to blow up an entire planet like Alderaan.

However, remember this is not a moon, it’s a space station. A space station with a weapon powerful to blow up an entire planet like Alderaan.

66. For video nerds, this rug will do quite nicely in your entertainment center.

Not sure what this has to do with VCR tapes or anything. But it's probably derived from the 1980s or some time when they had VCR tapes.

Not sure what this has to do with VCR tapes or anything. But it’s probably derived from the 1980s or some time when they had VCR tapes.

67. For your ugly Christmas sweater party, celebrate the season with this ugly Christmas rug.

I think they have a few of these as tie in to Christmas Vacation. Of course, I only had to choose one for the post.

I think they have a few of these as tie in to Christmas Vacation. Of course, I only had to choose one for the post.

68. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a 420 tie dye rug for your stoner friends.

While it might be fine in Washington State, and Colorado, I'm not sure if it's the case anywhere else. Yet, as one hippie said, "Don't fear the reefer, man."

While it might be fine in Washington State, and Colorado, I’m not sure if it’s the case anywhere else. Yet, as one hippie said, “Don’t fear the reefer, man.”

69. Nothing satisfies the house of a true Star Wars fan than a fuzzy rug of a wampa’s skin.

Guess Luke Skywalker finally has a souvenir from Hoth to give to Princess Leia. Oh wait, he cut the creature's arm off and left it to die. Yet, not sure if he kissed his sister in The Empire Strikes Back or  in A New Hope.

Guess Luke Skywalker finally has a souvenir from Hoth to give to Princess Leia. Oh wait, he cut the creature’s arm off and left it to die. Yet, not sure if he kissed his sister in The Empire Strikes Back or in A New Hope.

70. When you slay a werewolf, remember his hide makes a great rug on your living room floor.

Let's just hope that this isn't the skin of Remus Lupin. Then again, I wouldn't mind if it was Taylor Lautner's character from Twilight though. Now that's a werewolf who should be skinned.

Let’s just hope that this isn’t the skin of Remus Lupin. Then again, I wouldn’t mind if it was Taylor Lautner’s character from Twilight though. Now that’s a werewolf who should be skinned.

71. I’m sure nothing brings you in memory lane like an old cassette tape rug.

Oh, the old cassette tape. I remember growing up with these. Wonder if any of my younger cousins will, which I highly doubt. Hell, I'm sure the youngest two wouldn't know what a cassette is.

Oh, the old cassette tape. I remember growing up with these. Wonder if any of my younger cousins will, which I highly doubt. Hell, I’m sure the youngest two wouldn’t know what a cassette is.

72. Of course, a real Pittsburgh Steeler fan can’t show his or her support for the team without a Terrible Towel welcome mat.

Sorry, Uncle Mike, but I'm afraid you can't go in. Steeler fans only. This is especially true when the Steelers are playing your beloved Baltimore Ravens. (Okay, I'm just kidding).

Sorry, Uncle Mike, but I’m afraid you can’t go in. Steeler fans only. This is especially true when the Steelers are playing your beloved Baltimore Ravens. (Okay, I’m just kidding).

73. Seems like somebody really doesn’t want to be bothered at the moment.

Yeah, I'm sure there's somebody this person wants to avoid. Nevertheless, I find this slogan quite funny if you get my drift.

Yeah, I’m sure there’s somebody this person wants to avoid. Nevertheless, I find this slogan quite funny if you get my drift.

74. Well, that’s one way of warding off burglars.

Then again, it's always said that the grass is always greener. Either that or they're really using a ton of sprinklers and fertilizer on their lawn.

Then again, it’s always said that the grass is always greener. Either that or they’re really using a ton of sprinklers and fertilizer on their lawn.

75. On this Enterprise rug, you can go where no man has gone before.

Yes, this is the rug of the Star Trek Enterprise. Not sure from which series. However, insatiable green girl not included. Do I make myself clear, Captain Kirk?

Yes, this is the rug of the Star Trek Enterprise. Not sure from which series. However, insatiable green girl not included. Do I make myself clear, Captain James T. Kirk?

76. Imagine yourself a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away with this Millennium Falcon rug.

Sure you might think Han Solo's ship is quite awesome. But in the Star Wars universe it's kind of the equivalent of a rusty Ford El Camino or my friend Jimmy's van in high school.

Sure you might think Han Solo’s ship is quite awesome. But in the Star Wars universe it’s kind of the equivalent of a rusty Ford El Camino or my friend Jimmy’s van in high school.

77. Now this must’ve been quite a ferocious monster in its day.

Not sure what it is. But I'd sure as hell don't want to be anywhere near it. Let's hope it's dead and its skin adorns some crazy single guy's living room.

Not sure what it is. But I’d sure as hell don’t want to be anywhere near it. Let’s hope it’s dead and its skin adorns some crazy single guy’s living room.

78. Welcome and greetings, doggy style.

As someone who's been around dogs all her life, I know that sniffing each other's butts is how dogs greet each other. They also tend to mark their territory and leave messages with their urine. Yes, it's disgusting.

As someone who’s been around dogs all her life, I know that sniffing each other’s butts is how dogs greet each other. They also tend to mark their territory and leave messages with their urine. Yes, it’s disgusting.

79. Dog hiding in bushes, act as if nothing is going on. Just act natural and casual.

Of course, all what the dogs are doing in the bushes is probably nothing to be concerned of. Probably digging or peeing, that's all.

Of course, all what the dogs are doing in the bushes is probably nothing to be concerned of. Probably digging or peeing, that’s all.

80. “Speak friend and enter.”

Now we just have to find what's the Elvish word for friend and come in. Still, if it's the Mines of Moira, I really don't want anything to do with the place. Bye now.

Now we just have to find what’s the Elvish word for friend and come in. Still, if it’s the Mines of Moira, I really don’t want anything to do with the place. Bye now.

Fun with Garden Gnomes

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Perhaps, no tacky garden artwork gets as much notoriety as the garden gnome. Sure they don’t look like figures of the ideal human form. Rather they tend to be little Santa Clauses with boots, pants, blue tunic, and a red cone hat. But somehow people seem to like them enough that they’ve become icons of their own for some reason or another. Now a gnome is a mythological creature spirit introduced by Paracelsus in the 16th century as a spirit of Renaissance alchemy and magic. They are typically said to be small, humanoid creatures that tend to live underground. Sometimes it’s said that they’re willing to help out the garden at night. Yet, they didn’t become the lawn ornaments we know today until the 19th century and didn’t take their present form until after WWII as inspired by Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Nevertheless, they’re often the target of pranks in which people would “kidnap” the gnome and “return it to the wild” with Italy having a Garden Gnome Liberation Front. There are also instances in which garden gnomes have been “kidnapped” and sent on trips around the world which formed the basis of “Where’s My Gnome?” series of ads for Travelocity starting in 2008. And it’s the reason why we have the Travelocity Gnome. Still, in 2008, they arrested a guy in France for stealing 170 of these things. There is even a gnome reserve in England, home to over 2,000 gnomes and was mentioned in the Guinness Book of World Records. Nevertheless, there are plenty of garden gnomes out there in all different varieties that you might find amusing. Some may seem a bit adult while others are derived from pop culture. So for your reading pleasure, here I welcome you to look at all the different varieties of kitschy garden gnomes.

1. Walter Sobchak Gnome isn’t happy whenever one is over the line.

You think that garden gnomes were supposed to be rather docile and pleasant. However, Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski was anything but. So I think it's ironic that there's a garden gnome of him. Expect him to pull out his gun  and rant about his time in Nam.

You think that garden gnomes were supposed to be rather docile and pleasant. However, Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski was anything but. So I think it’s ironic that there’s a garden gnome of him. Expect him to pull out his gun and rant about his time in Nam.

2. It seems that purple macdaddy gnome seems to make it his business with all his garden hos.

“You want manic pixie dream girls and water sprites? Well, I got them bitches with me on fairy dust. Oh, I’m sure they’re clean but you might want to use protection.”

3. Of course, this gnome is off to the beach in his green mankini.

Let's just say, I wonder if Sacha Baron Cohen regrets setting off this male swimsuit trend when he wore the thing in Borat. Yeah, not the kind of swimsuit I'd want any man to wear.

Let’s just say, I wonder if Sacha Baron Cohen regrets setting off this male swimsuit trend when he wore the thing in Borat. Yeah, not the kind of swimsuit I’d want any man to wear.

4. This hippie gnome really gets into his tie dye, man.

Not sure if the cone hat goes with the tie dye. But with the glasses and his beard, I'm sure he'd fit in at any music festival quite nicely. Still, I'd stay out of the 1969 Woodstock festival if I were him.

Not sure if the cone hat goes with the tie dye. But with the glasses and his beard, I’m sure he’d fit in at any music festival quite nicely. Still, I’d stay out of the 1969 Woodstock festival if I were him.

5. In Florida, this gnome always knows that the beach with the lawn flamingos is where it’s at.

Of course, I'm sure if this gnome were a regular sized guy, he'd just blend in. Well, if he lost the cone hat. Still, embodies a lot about what people say about Florida which is a silly place.

Of course, I’m sure if this gnome were a regular sized guy, he’d just blend in. Well, if he lost the cone hat. Still, embodies a lot about what people say about Florida which is a silly place.

6. This gnome only wishes that your garden be filled with peace, love, and rock & roll.

Of course, I'm sure he's on some kind of weird grass in the yard. Probably the kind of gnome you'd want for your marijuana garden. Still, the cone hat really stands out for him.

Of course, I’m sure he’s on some kind of weird grass in the yard. Probably the kind of gnome you’d want for your marijuana garden. Still, the cone hat really stands out for him.

7. Of course, gnomes tend to be human like the rest of us with some having less misgivings than others.

Sure it's nice that they love each other and keep the spark alive. But I think they really need to take it somewhere else. I mean you don't want to freak out the neighbors.

Sure it’s nice that they love each other and keep the spark alive. But I think they really need to take it somewhere else. I mean you don’t want to freak out the neighbors.

8. Seems like a gnome zombie plague has infected the garden lately.

And it seems that zombies are partial to the dark meat since it's well known what happens to black guys in horror movies. Of course, I'm sure black gnomes are no different.

And it seems that zombies are partial to the dark meat since it’s well known what happens to black guys in horror movies. Of course, I’m sure black gnomes are no different.

9. Of course, while gnomes are often benign in the garden, sometimes this isn’t the case. So be prepared.

Yeah, you should always beware of the gnome carrying an ax behind his back. But you should defend yourself before these murderous lawn warriors strike.

Yeah, you should always beware of the gnome carrying an ax behind his back. But you should defend yourself before these murderous lawn warriors strike.

10. Nevertheless, even gnomes tend to prefer the convenience of a flush toilet as well as a bit of light reading while on the john.

Still, I wonder if that book he's reading has another purpose. Because I don't see a roll of toilet paper anywhere in this.

Still, I wonder if that book he’s reading has another purpose. Because I don’t see a roll of toilet paper anywhere in this.

11. “All we are saying, is give weeds a chance.”

Not sure why he has a bird on his guitar or why he's on the bird feeder. Either way, he seems quite groovy, man.

Not sure why he has a bird on his guitar or why he’s on the bird feeder. Either way, he seems quite groovy, man.

12. Of course, these skeleton gnomes tend to make great Halloween lawn decor.

Of course, they're so thin that they don't have any skin on them. Yet, I love whatever's holding that basket, by the way. Quite clever.

Of course, they’re so thin that they don’t have any skin on them. Yet, I love whatever’s holding that basket, by the way. Quite clever.

13. Seems like this stoner gnome really enjoys lounging around and smoking his grass.

Of course, he'll probably feel right at home wherever it's legal. Yet, if it's not, you should probably just let him smoke his joint in the bushes. Not sure about that tunic though.

Of course, he’ll probably feel right at home wherever it’s legal. Yet, if it’s not, you should probably just let him smoke his joint in the bushes. Not sure about that tunic though.

14. Seems like this nerdy gnome is really into D & D and larping.

Of course, he's also a Trekkie and has an atom on his shirt. Seems like he's on a quest to attend the legendary festival of Comic Con. That, or he's probably wanting to attend a nerd convention nearby.

Of course, he’s also a Trekkie and has an atom on his shirt. Seems like he’s on a quest to attend the legendary festival of Comic Con. That, or he’s probably wanting to attend a nerd convention nearby.

15. Seems like Leather Daddy gnome really enjoys watering his garden.

Of course, you really don't want to look at him from behind. Yeah, he sometimes tends to let it all hang out where the sun isn't supposed to shine. Not sure why.

Of course, you really don’t want to look at him from behind. Yeah, he sometimes tends to let it all hang out where the sun isn’t supposed to shine. Not sure why.

16. Seems like these hairy cons just broke out of the Big Greenhouse.

And it seems they've taken some animals with them for sustenance. Nevertheless, I'm not sure if they have any idea of how to get over that fence.

And it seems they’ve taken some animals with them for sustenance. Nevertheless, I’m not sure if they have any idea of how to get over that fence.

17. Of course, Gnome Elvis will always make your garden party a smash, even if he’s just an impersonator.

Of course, I'm sure all the  qualudes and peanut butter and banana sandwiches will catch up to him somehow. Still, I'm sure that cone goes great with that polyester jumpsuit. Still, that look seems like Elvis from the Vegas years.

Of course, I’m sure all the qualudes and peanut butter and banana sandwiches will catch up to him somehow. Still, I’m sure that cone goes great with that polyester jumpsuit. Still, that look seems like Elvis from the Vegas years.

18. For those who want super protection for their gardens, perhaps they should try a superhero gnome.

Now these consist of Super Gnome, Bat Gnome and Captain Americgnome. Still, I have to warn you that while they may guarantee protection, they're also known to inflict a lot of collateral damage.

Now these consist of Super Gnome, Bat Gnome and Captain Americgnome. Still, I have to warn you that while they may guarantee protection, they’re also known to inflict a lot of collateral damage.

19. Beware the vampire gnome with his red eyes and fangs, especially when lurking among the tall grass and leaves.

Of course, he may look nice during the daytime. But when it gets dark, he won't hesitate to bite anyone's neck to suck their blood. Yes, this is one scary gnome, indeed.

Of course, he may look nice during the daytime. But when it gets dark, he won’t hesitate to bite anyone’s neck to suck their blood. Yes, this is one scary gnome, indeed.

20. Of course, this gnome rider’s ride tends to travel at a snail’s pace these days.

Yet, this should surprise nobody these days since he's riding a snail. However, he should watch out for any form of salt if he wants his snail ride to last for a long time.

Yet, this should surprise nobody these days since he’s riding a snail. However, he should watch out for any form of salt if he wants his snail ride to last for a long time.

21. “Gnome, Gnome on the range….”

Of course, I'm not sure if he's a cowboy gnome or a rancher gnome. Then again, despite being in cowboy clothes, I'm not sure if he even works with cows. Because if he don't have cows, then he's no cowboy.

Of course, I’m not sure if he’s a cowboy gnome or a rancher gnome. Then again, despite being in cowboy clothes, I’m not sure if he even works with cows. Because if he don’t have cows, then he’s no cowboy.

22. Of course, what better way to protect your lawn and garden than with Wonder Gnomeman.

Unlike Wonder Woman, at least she doesn't wear skimpy outfits to kick ass. Also, she loves flowers, too. And she has a nice yellow cone hat.

Unlike Wonder Woman, at least she doesn’t wear skimpy outfits to kick ass. Also, she loves flowers, too. And she has a nice yellow cone hat.

23. Even gnomes must dress for business while at their jobs in the corporate marketplace.

Nevertheless, you have to love how their cone hats go with their gray suits. Yet, I'm sure their workplace dress codes would want them to lose the hats and shave. Also like how they're on their cell phones.

Nevertheless, you have to love how their cone hats go with their gray suits. Yet, I’m sure their workplace dress codes would want them to lose the hats and shave. Also like how they’re on their cell phones.

24. Of course, you best be on your back if you don’t want to mess with the Gnome Manchu.

Of course, the Fu Manchu isn't a great Asian stereotype. But I found his long mustache so funny that I couldn't resist leaving this one out.

Of course, the Fu Manchu isn’t a great Asian stereotype. But I found his long mustache so funny that I couldn’t resist leaving this one out.

25. “You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life/See that gnome, watch him, diggin’ the Dancing Gnome.”

Of course, while the Swedish group was a great success in the 1970s, they split in the 1980s due to internal strife. Still, I'm sure they'd be remembered for all those pop hits which formed the soundtrack for Mamma Mia!.

Of course, while the Swedish group was a great success in the 1970s, they split in the 1980s due to internal strife. Still, I’m sure they’d be remembered for all those pop hits which formed the soundtrack for Mamma Mia!.

26. Of course, you’ll need a metal detector gnome in case a vandal plants a landmine in your yard.

Then again, he could just be looking for treasure. Of course, he should realize that certain electric and water systems may also be underground, too. Don't want to make a mistake there.

Then again, he could just be looking for treasure. Of course, he should realize that certain electric and water systems may also be underground, too. Don’t want to make a mistake there.

27. Let’s just say whoever thought you can look gangster in a white beard and cone hat?

As they say,

As they say, “I didn’t choose the gnome life. Gnome life chose me.” Yes, and I’m sure it’s a rough time in the inner gardens with high crime and shrooms to be exact.

28. Of course, no gnome could say no to the one and only Big Bad Bertha.

I'm sure what she lacks in  moral propriety she makes up for in helping girls develop a positive body image. Still, not sure if this makes my post unsafe for work or what.

I’m sure what she lacks in moral propriety she makes up for in helping girls develop a positive body image. Still, not sure if this makes my post unsafe for work or what.

29. Of course, we can’t forget about the hit HBO TV show Game of Gnomes.

Let's just say that if that's a depiction of the Sean Bean character, my guess is that he'll be dead within a year. Still, I really like the throne and the shovel he's holding. But I'm sure you don't want to go into his garden, especially during weddings.

Let’s just say that if that’s a depiction of the Sean Bean character, my guess is that he’ll be dead within a year. Still, I really like the throne and the shovel he’s holding. But I’m sure you don’t want to go into his garden, especially during weddings.

30. For those concerned Jews out there, I’m sure Shalom Gnome will make your garden kosher.

Of course, this is probably the most Jewed out gnome out there. He even has a Star of David with a Hebrew inscription on his belt for God's sake.

Of course, this is probably the most Jewed out gnome out there. He even has a Star of David with a Hebrew inscription on his belt for God’s sake. Don’t give him pork or shellfish though.

31. And you thought gnomes enjoyed the sound of flutes and nature sounds. But not always.

Hear they play at the garden club circuit on Friday nights as well as jam at the recording studio during regular business hours. Still, there have been rumors that their lead singer was arrested for shroom possession.

Hear they play at the garden club circuit on Friday nights as well as jam at the recording studio during regular business hours. Still, there have been rumors that their lead singer was arrested for shroom possession. Drummer was also busted for weed and grass as well.

32. Of course, you should never mess with a garden gnome armed with an AK-47.

Now I'm sure you want to get off his lawn at the sight of him. Then again, he's small so I'm sure the ammo wouldn't hurt much anyway.

Now I’m sure you want to get off his lawn at the sight of him. Then again, he’s small so I’m sure the ammo wouldn’t hurt much anyway.

33. When it comes to swimming, some gnomes just want to let it all hang out.

Unless he's planning to visit a nude beach, I'm sure he'll have a hard time swimming in an area where nobody's watching him. Also, kind of wish he'd at least wear some pants.

Unless he’s planning to visit a nude beach, I’m sure he’ll have a hard time swimming in an area where nobody’s watching him. Also, kind of wish he’d at least wear some pants.

34. Seems like this gnome is really enjoying himself during his island getaway in Hawaii.

Of course, I'm sure he's bound to make the Travelocity Roaming Gnome jealous. Still, if he has more Margaritas, he'll soon be searching for his lost shaker of salt.

Of course, I’m sure he’s bound to make the Travelocity Roaming Gnome jealous. Still, if he has more Margaritas, he’ll soon be searching for his lost shaker of salt.

35. Of course, there’s always that gnome who tends to travel with a dark passenger and have a thirst to kill.

I'm sure nobody wants to mess with the Dexter gnome if he's in your garden. Still, he tends to kill his victims on the cutting board, which is fittingly enough. Nevertheless, he uses much less plastic than the one on TV.

I’m sure nobody wants to mess with the Dexter gnome if he’s in your garden. Still, he tends to kill his victims on the cutting board, which is fittingly enough. Nevertheless, he uses much less plastic than the one on TV.

36. Seems like even the gnomes want to take pictures of themselves these days.

Still, being a classic gnome, I doubt if he'd be recognized on Instagram among the others. Also, I wonder where he got that smart phone.

Still, being a classic gnome, I doubt if he’d be recognized on Instagram among the others. Also, I wonder where he got that smart phone.

37. Of course, some gnomes don’t know when they have had way too many.

Seems like all that hard tree sap can get to them if they've had enough. Guess it's best to leave sleeping dogs lie even if their butt cracks are showing.

Seems like all that hard tree sap can get to them if they’ve had enough. Guess it’s best to leave sleeping dogs lie even if their butt cracks are showing.

38. Now this meditating gnome is a true Zen master of the highest degree.

It's said he'd sit there meditating for so long that the birds would perch in his beard. Guess he'd have to clean it when he's done since the bird might leave him an unpleasant surprise.

It’s said he’d sit there meditating for so long that the birds would perch in his beard. Guess he’d have to clean it when he’s done since the bird might leave him an unpleasant surprise.

39. Of course, this gnome looks as black as a tar baby.

I don't know about you, but I think there's something a bit racist about this gnome. I'm not sure what. Could it be because it looks painted in blackface and is drinking booze? Yeah, that's probably it.

I don’t know about you, but I think there’s something a bit racist about this gnome. I’m not sure what. Could it be because it looks painted in blackface and is drinking booze? Yeah, that’s probably it.

40. Seems like somebody either forgot to put sunscreen or has caught too many UV rays.

Now that's a terrible sunburn. Guess taking a nap on the beach isn't really a good idea for the fair skinned. Not sure about covering your eyes with blueberries.

Now that’s a terrible sunburn. Guess taking a nap on the beach isn’t really a good idea for the fair skinned. Not sure about covering your eyes with blueberries.

41. Seems like this garden gnome really enjoys doing the hula in a grass skirt.

Then again, he seems like he's been on too many island spirits or possibly trying to do the Macarena. Hope that he doesn't show what's under his skirt because I'm afraid to look.

Then again, he seems like he’s been on too many island spirits or possibly trying to do the Macarena. Hope that he doesn’t show what’s under his skirt because I’m afraid to look.

42. Seems like this gnome and his old lady were meant to spend their lives on the open road.

Funny how they have gnomes for bikers these days. They seem like they're the people you'd least expect to be in this type of tacky lawn decoration. Still, hope these 2 don't belong in a gang.

Funny how they have gnomes for bikers these days. They seem like they’re the people you’d least expect to be in this type of tacky lawn decoration. Still, hope these 2 don’t belong in a gang.

43. Now this little gnome wish all you to feel the Pittsburgh steel.

For some reason the molten steel he's pouring seems to resemble Cheez Whiz. Still, you'd find that a lot of college and pro sports teams have their own collectible gnome like this one for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

For some reason the molten steel he’s pouring seems to resemble Cheez Whiz. Still, you’d find that a lot of college and pro sports teams have their own collectible gnome like this one for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

44. Seems like someone has to bend over to get a temperature.

I'm sure she's taking his temperature because this  display looks older. Then again, there could be something kinky going on and what she's holding could be a butt plug instead of a thermometer.

I’m sure she’s taking his temperature because this display looks older. Then again, there could be something kinky going on and what she’s holding could be a butt plug instead of a thermometer.

45. Seems like some garden creep has been on way too much Viagra lately.

Nevertheless, at least he's wearing underwear. However, he's seems to be a pervert with a pension for exhibitionism, especially when he's erect. Yeah, I'd stay away from him if I were you.

Nevertheless, at least he’s wearing underwear. However, he’s seems to be a pervert with a pension for exhibitionism, especially when he’s erect. Yeah, I’d stay away from him if I were you.

46. Seems like this gnome is either trigger happy or on a shooting rampage.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to see him on a bad day. Reminds me of the Al Pacino character from Scarface. Oh, wait, that is derived from Scarface.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want to see him on a bad day. Reminds me of the Al Pacino character from Scarface. Oh, wait, that is derived from Scarface.

47. Hipster gnome really thinks your android is sow mainstream.

Then again, I always picture hipsters as young people, not with white Santa Claus beards. Still, I'm sure that iPhone cost a fortune for those aren't cheap to buy or have repaired.

Then again, I always picture hipsters as young people, not with white Santa Claus beards. Still, I’m sure that iPhone cost a fortune for those aren’t cheap to buy or have repaired.

48. This undead garden gnome has a strong preference for venison.

Now that's really disgusting. And pretty demented if I do say so myself.  Also seems to like his deer meat real raw and bloody.

Now that’s really disgusting. And pretty demented if I do say so myself. Also seems to like his deer meat real raw and bloody.

49. Of course, even the gnomes have to do dirty work once in a while.

Of course, there's a better way to cleaning dog shit than a pooper scooper. It's called leaving it there. Still, I'm not sure about him smoking a cigarette though.

Of course, there’s a better way to cleaning dog shit than a pooper scooper. It’s called leaving it there. Still, I’m not sure about him smoking a cigarette though.

50. Seems like someone has been drinking a little too much wine the night before.

Of course, waking up with a hangover could be worse in some situations other than this. Seems that glass of wine was too big for him for some reason.

Of course, waking up with a hangover could be worse in some situations other than this. Seems that glass of wine was too big for him for some reason.

51. “I am the gnome who knocks.”

Yes, this is a gnome Walter White. However, I'm sure when he got in the meth business, the whole garden gnome neighborhood went to shit. Still, wonder if they have a Jesse Pinkman gnome.

Yes, this is a gnome Walter White. However, I’m sure when he got in the meth business, the whole garden gnome neighborhood went to shit. Still, wonder if they have a Jesse Pinkman gnome.

52. Of course, zombie gnomes always prefer to help themselves to some pink flamingo.

Man, I didn't know those lawn flamingos could bleed. Always assumed they were made from plastic. Pretty demented though.

Man, I didn’t know those lawn flamingos could bleed. Always assumed they were made from plastic. Pretty demented though.

53. Now this gnome is a fine police officer of the law.

If it wasn't for the cone hat, I would've assumed him to be an actual police officer. Love the star badge on his hat though.

If it wasn’t for the cone hat, I would’ve assumed him to be an actual police officer. Love the star badge on his hat though.

54. Of course, while some gnomes are said to protect gardens, this one’s on the move to kill.

Yeah, he has a deadly streak in his eyes as well as murder on the mind. He also has a big machete in his hand as far as I can see. Or maybe it's just a knife.

Yeah, he has a deadly streak in his eyes as well as murder on the mind. He also has a big ass knife in his hand.

55. This gnome family shows us that the family that slays together, stays together.

So while the father is armed with an ax and a dueling flintlock pistol, the mother appears to carry a loaded shotgun and the baby in her back harness. Still, I'm sure the gun he has can't be fired without being reloaded.

So while the father is armed with an ax and a dueling flintlock pistol, the mother appears to carry a loaded shotgun and the baby in her back harness. Still, I’m sure the gun he has can’t be fired without being reloaded.

56. “I’m gonna rock n’roll all night, and garden party every day.”

I may not be a fan of KISS. But when I see them as gnomes or nutcrackers, I have to include such depictions on my blog just for giggles.

I may not be a fan of KISS. But when I see them as gnomes or nutcrackers, I have to include such depictions on my blog just for giggles.

57. Of course, on private matters, some gnomes can be really kinky in the garden.

Now this is pretty disturbing. Didn't know BDSM fetishes could extend to garden gnomes. Of course, I wonder if they have a dominatrix garden gnome to come with him.

Now this is pretty disturbing. Didn’t know BDSM fetishes could extend to garden gnomes. Of course, I wonder if they have a dominatrix garden gnome to come with him.

58. While most gnomes aren’t built like Adonis, this one is totally ripped.

Wonder if he's on any performance enhancing drugs of some sort. I mean most bodybuilders are to some extend. Hell, a lot of athletes are, too like Lance Armstrong.

Wonder if he’s on any performance enhancing drugs of some sort. I mean most bodybuilders are to some extend. Hell, a lot of athletes are, too like Lance Armstrong.

59. Of course, some gardens may contain a naturist gnome lurking around.

I'm sure the beard and belt are in place to cover up his naughty bits.  Still, they call it the place where the sun don't shine for a reason.

I’m sure the beard and belt are in place to cover up his naughty bits. Still, they call it the place where the sun don’t shine for a reason.

60. Of course, this ninja gnome is bound to hit anyone with a shovel at any moment.

Actually most ninjas didn't wear black in real life since they functioned like covert agents and snipers. They usually dressed as peasants so the invisibility was psychological. However, this garden gnome ninja is just perfect.

Actually most ninjas didn’t wear black in real life since they functioned like covert agents and snipers. They usually dressed as peasants so the invisibility was psychological. However, this garden gnome ninja is just perfect.

61. Finally, a garden gnome promising change I can believe in.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure whether this Obama gnome is wearing a cone hat. Then again, maybe it was how this picture was photographed.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure whether this Obama gnome is wearing a cone hat. Then again, maybe it was how this picture was photographed.

62. Seems like someone either doesn’t like flamingos or likes to eat them for dinner.

Now this is just demented if you really think about it. But I kind of find the gnome using the cleaver to behead a flamingo quite amusing, in a sick and twisted kind of way.

Now this is just demented if you really think about it. But I kind of find the gnome using the cleaver to behead a flamingo quite amusing, in a sick and twisted kind of way.

63. Like they say, it’s not over until the fat lady sings.

However, I have no idea why she'd wear a bikini and rabbit ears. I mean it doesn't seem like appropriate attire for an opera singer as far as I'm concerned.

However, I have no idea why she’d wear a bikini and rabbit ears. I mean it doesn’t seem like appropriate attire for an opera singer as far as I’m concerned.

64. Seems like the gnomes really take to skate boarding and its cultural trimmings these days.

Oldest looking skater boy I've ever seen. Also, shouldn't he be wearing a helmet? I mean he shouldn't want to risk a head injury.

Oldest looking skater boy I’ve ever seen. Also, shouldn’t he be wearing a helmet? I mean he shouldn’t want to risk a head injury.

65. Of course, you still have to face some obstacles even in places where no gnome has gone before.

Seems like Captain Kirk and Gorn are about to go at it in this. One of the most memorable moments in Star Trek history. Also, Gorn almost looks no different.

Seems like Captain Kirk and Gorn are about to go at it in this. One of the most memorable moments in Star Trek history. Also, Gorn almost looks no different.

66. Of course, you are all cordially invited to attend this royal gnome wedding.

So let me get this straight. The groom is already wearing a gone hat on his head. So why is he holding a top hat that's obviously too small for him? I don't get it. Don't get it at all.

So let me get this straight. The groom is already wearing a gone hat on his head. So why is he holding a top hat that’s obviously too small for him? I don’t get it. Don’t get it at all.

67. Of course, even in the gnome world, it seems that certain Starfleet members are more expendable than others.

Of course, for those who know anything about Star Trek: The Original Series, you'd be familiar with the term, "redshirt." Of course, in Star Trek, if a previously unknown Starfleet character wears a red shirt, there's a strong chance that he's never coming back.

Of course, for those who know anything about Star Trek: The Original Series, you’d be familiar with the term, “redshirt.” Of course, in Star Trek, if a previously unknown Starfleet character wears a red shirt, there’s a strong chance that he’s never coming back.

68. For the Japanese garden, these ninja and sumo wrestling gnomes will do you great service.

I don't know about you. But they seem more or less resemble the Seven Dwarfs than anything from Japan. And I don't think either of them have any Asian features either.

I don’t know about you. But they seem more or less resemble the Seven Dwarfs than anything from Japan. And I don’t think either of them have any Asian features either.

69. Seems like this guy has come straight out of Gnomeland Security.

Then again, he could be a sheriff or state trooper. Still, I'm sure intruders wouldn't want to mess with him.

Then again, he could be a sheriff or state trooper. Still, I’m sure intruders wouldn’t want to mess with 

70. I call this one, “the Skanky Bride Gnome.”

Yeah, I don't really care for swimsuit weddings. But I'm not sure why she'd have that set up for the bottoms. Oh, wait, is that her underwear? So why isn't she wearing a dress, then?

Yeah, I don’t really care for swimsuit weddings. But I’m not sure why she’d have that set up for the bottoms. Oh, wait, is that her underwear? So why isn’t she wearing a dress, then?

71. For a Stripper Gnome, she sure knows her way around a pole.

I might've posted a picture with this one before on my lawn ornament post last year. Still, it's quite funny and worth giving a closer look to. Also, I lover her glasses, by the way.

I might’ve posted a picture with this one before on my lawn ornament post last year. Still, it’s quite funny and worth giving a closer look to. Also, I lover her glasses, by the way. Kind of similar to how many would imagine strippers in the Harry Potter world to look like in some respect.

72. Unlike some garden gnomes, this tiki one belongs in his island garden paradise.

Okay, pretty sure that's a pretty offensive stereotype here. I mean blue paint, tusks in nose, shrunken head, grass skirt, staff, etc. Kind of reminds me of the savage natives you'd see in movies.

Okay, pretty sure that’s a pretty offensive stereotype here. I mean blue paint, tusks in nose, shrunken head, grass skirt, staff, etc. Kind of reminds me of the savage natives you’d see in movies.

73. Seems like these two gnombres are having a fiesta.

Love the mariachi hat and the turned boots. Still, shouldn't the lady's hair be free flowing? It just seems off that she's wearing a cone hat.

Love the mariachi hat and the turned boots. Still, shouldn’t the lady’s hair be free flowing? It just seems off that she’s wearing a cone hat.

74. I’m sure these gnomes of horror movie villains will make a killer addition to your garden.

Seems like this ensemble includes many of the slasher-horror favorites. There's Freddy and Jason as well as Leatherface. And I'm not sure who that one in the mask is. Really not sure.

Seems like this ensemble includes many of the slasher-horror favorites. There’s Freddy and Jason as well as Leatherface. And I’m not sure who that one in the mask is. Really not sure.

75. These two gnomes are on a mission from God.

Yes, these are gnomes of the Blues Brothers from 1970s SNL. Look pretty much like the originals save for the beards and cone hats. But you know what they say about garden gnomes though.

Yes, these are gnomes of the Blues Brothers from 1970s SNL. Look pretty much like the originals save for the beards and cone hats. But you know what they say about garden gnomes though.

76. Of course, you’d need a strong Viking warrior gnome to defend your garden.

Unlike some Viking depictions, at least this one doesn't have helmet horns for a change. Of course, he does have a wooden hammer and a white beard.

Unlike some Viking depictions, at least this one doesn’t have helmet horns for a change. Of course, he does have a wooden hammer and a white beard.

77. Presenting the royal gnomes.

Now that obviously has to be a take off of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip. Of course, the Prince Philip one is depicted in traditional gnome fashion.

Now that obviously has to be a take off of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip. Of course, the Prince Philip one is depicted in traditional gnome fashion.

78. Of course, even gnomes could be prone to worshipping the devil or listening to death metal music.

Now that looks quite terrifying. I don't mean the hat with the upside down cross. I mean the fact that his face and beard are painted like that which  terrifies me.

Now that looks quite terrifying. I don’t mean the hat with the upside down cross. I mean the fact that his face and beard are painted like that which terrifies me.

79. Now this steampunk garden gnome seems to come fully automated.

Now is this an automaton or a gnome in a metal encased suit? Perhaps we'll never know for sure. Like the drill head though.

Now is this an automaton or a gnome in a metal encased suit? Perhaps we’ll never know for sure. Like the drill head though.

80. Of course, these Star Trek gnomes will allow your garden to go where no man has gone before.

Of course, I'm so used to Kirk and Spock being so clean shaven and thin (well, for the most part). Still, I wonder whether they have gnomes of the rest of the main cast as well. Maybe I'll never know for sure.

Of course, I’m so used to Kirk and Spock being so clean shaven and thin (well, for the most part). Still, I wonder whether they have gnomes of the rest of the main cast as well. Maybe I’ll never know for sure.

Family Unfriendly Board Games: Part 10 -Who’s Your Daddy? to Colossal Arena

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Note: The opening images in this series aren’t of real games by the way. They’re just photoshopped pictures I’ve obtained through various websites. But they kind of emphasize that these games I’m featuring aren’t meant for families for various reasons.

Okay, we’ve reached the final post of my series of family unfriendly board games. I hope you enjoyed reading all the stuff about the bad board games out there which are offensive, outdated, tacky, boring, or just plain stupid. Of course, I’ve had this idea for quite some time but I had to put up posts for the holidays and early summer. But since nothing is going on between the 4th of July and August, this time provides a good window for me. But, if we can be thankful of anything in the gaming world, it’s that many of these board games aren’t around anymore, especially the ones targeted to kids and the tie-in stuff. Well, at least no longer in print but you can probably get most of them off Amazon or Etsy. So without further adieu, here is the final installment of my series of family unfriendly board games.

91. Who’s Your Daddy?

Now this is a game in which players are either women trying to have kids to as many men as possible to get child support or men trying to avoid paying the court-mandated payments. Let's just say the only thing good about this game is the chance to do your best Jerry Springer or Maury Povich impression. Other than that, it's a game that's trashy beyond all description.

Now this is a game in which players are either women trying to have kids to as many men as possible to get child support or men trying to avoid paying the court-mandated payments. Let’s just say the only thing good about this game is the chance to do your best Jerry Springer or Maury Povich impression. Other than that, it’s a game that’s trashy beyond all description.

Category: Humor, Negotiation, Party, Dice Rolling

Players: 4-12

Contents: booklet, dice, pencils, scoresheets, fake money

Object: Players play both a man and a woman during turns. As the woman, the player is trying to have as many kids to as many different men as possible who they will sue for child support if she can successfully pin paternity on them. As the man, the player is denying paternity in order to avoid the court-ordered payments. Player who still has money wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I have no idea why anyone would come up with this sleazy idea that’s a mainstay staple of the trashy daytime talk show. Then again, it was released in 2001.

Why it’s not: Let’s just say thanks to daytime talk shows and derogatory stereotypes of greedy welfare mothers and irresponsible deadbeat dads, paternity suits don’t really have great connotations these days. In fact, this game’s very premise is so horrible to defy description that the only benefit of this game is that it gives the opportunity to give your best Maury Povich impersonation.

Available?: Hopefully not.

92. Baby Boomer: Tactical Survival in the Household

Baby Boomer is the kind of game in which you play either the parents or a cop trying to get an automatic weapon from a toddler's hands before   someone gets killed. On the bright side, it's actually a very effective and convincing argument for gun control.

Baby Boomer is the kind of game in which you play either the parents or a cop trying to get an automatic weapon from a toddler’s hands before someone gets killed. On the bright side, it’s actually a very effective and convincing argument for gun control.

Category: Roll/Spin and Move

Players:1-3

Contents: dice, paper tabs, some paper pieces, hallway map

Object: Players represent Mom, Dad, and Officer Bill. Goal is for players to try to get them down the hallway before baby blows them up with a fully loaded Krup 9000, 16 shot, Near Silenced, Semi Auto pistol. Dog is the first victim.

Why they thought it was a good idea: For God’s sake, I have no idea why someone would think this would make a good board game.

Why it’s not: For fuck’s sake, this game is built around the premise of a toddler grabbing hold of a fully loaded automatic weapon. Now other than being an unintentional promotion for gun control, this baby is being raised by very irresponsible parents who don’t know shit about gun safety. Seriously, someone really needs to call Child Services on this one. Still, what kind of sadistic person would design a game like this? That’s insane!

Available?: No.

93. The Junkie Game

In the Junkie Game, players are heroin addicts in which they lose their job as well as suffer other negative consequences of drug addiction. Works like a reverse Monopoly. Nevertheless, it's  a rather depressing game.

In the Junkie Game, players are heroin addicts in which they lose their job as well as suffer other negative consequences of drug addiction. Works like a reverse Monopoly. Nevertheless, it’s a rather depressing game.

Category: Economic, Educational, Roll/Spin and Move, Simulation

Players: 2-7

Contents: game board, cards, fake money

Object: Players represent heroin addicts who lose money, their jobs, and possessions throughout the course of play. When a player is unemployed, hustles help replace player income. They can also use Wisdom and Hassle cards as well. But as the game progresses, players are likely to acquire expensive habits requiring more money to maintain as well as suffer job loss, arrests, and negative consequences of board spaces. Player who survives the longest wins. Works kind of like a reverse Monopoly.

Why they thought it was a good idea: It was released in 1972 as a way to illustrate the destructive nature of drug addiction.

Why it’s not: Because drug addiction isn’t a fun subject since the real life junkie game is always a losing proposition. In fact, making it a board game subject is depressing, even without the prostitution and codependency issues. You’d have more fun watching The Wire than playing this.

Available?: Thankfully no.

94. The Senior Prom Game

To be fair, this game came out in the 1950s. But still, being a prom queen isn't a great aspiration for girls. This is especially true if their high school doesn't have one.

To be fair, this game came out in the 1950s. But still, being a prom queen isn’t a great aspiration for girls. This is especially true if their high school doesn’t have one. Also, neglects the realities of slutty dresses and teen pregnancy.

Category: Roll/Spin and Move, Children

Players:2-4

Contents: game board, player markers, spinner, 16 cardboard circles

Object: Players must attain the status of “Prom Queen” by obtaining 4 circles saying “Date,” “Grades,” “Formal,” and “Dance” in order to be qualified as a candidate along with landing on the space stating, “Selected Candidate for Prom Queen.” After that, each candidate must place their marker on a numbered star. First player to make it that far and spin the number matching their star space wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it was made in the 1950s when prom in many ways would be the highlight of many teenage girls’ lives.

Why it’s not: For one, the game is stupid with spaces like “Meet new boy at game. Wow! Run ahead 3 spaces,” “Dance with T.V. idol at sock hop. Move ahead 6 spaces,” and “Study for finals with boy friend. Move ahead 2 spaces.”. Second, let’s just say aspiring to be prom queen isn’t a great one for girls, particularly if their school district doesn’t have one. Also, it’s kind of disturbing that it’s recommended for girls between 7-12. But unlike the real thing, there’s no risk for slutty dresses or teenage pregnancy involved with this game.

Available?: No.

95. Bigfoot: The Game

Now this is a game in which prospectors try to escape the monstrous wrath of dreaded Bigfoot in Alaska. Nevertheless, Bigfoot isn't a snow monster for God's sake. Seriously, Bigfoot is said to be in the Pacific Northwest.

Now this is a game in which prospectors try to escape the monstrous wrath of dreaded Bigfoot in Alaska. Nevertheless, Bigfoot isn’t a snow monster for God’s sake. Seriously, Bigfoot is said to be in the Pacific Northwest forests.

Category: Monsters, Children, Mythology, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, Bigfoot model, 10 plastic discs depicting footprints and blanks, player tokens, dice

Object: Players represent gold prospectors in Alaska who have sighted the dreaded Bigfoot. Players have 2 tokens and must move either at the roll of the dice. If the player token lands on a Bigfoot space, player rolls the dice again and moves the creature to full count. If the creature moves onto a player’s token, then a disc is put on that space. If it reveals footprints, then the token is out of the game. Last surviving player wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I have no idea. It was made in 1977 so I can rule it out as being a tie-in to Harry and the Hendersons or that Bigfoot show on the History Channel.

Why it’s not: Not sure if a Bigfoot slaughtering innocents translates into fun, family entertainment. Also, Bigfoot isn’t really a snow monster.

Available?: No.

96. Leaping Lemmings

In Leaping Lemmings, players race their lemmings to the coast so they can dive off from cliffs. But watch out for the eagles. Basically murderous and suicidal fun for the whole family. Oh, wait, lemmings don't commit suicide. Damn you, Disney!

In Leaping Lemmings, players race their lemmings to the coast so they can dive off from cliffs. But watch out for the eagles. Basically murderous and suicidal fun for the whole family. Oh, wait, lemmings don’t commit suicide. Damn you, Disney!

Category: Animals, Humor, Racing, Dice Rolling, Hex-and-Counter

Players: 2-6

Contents: 2 Eagle dice, mounted map game board, 101 counters, 6 Clan player aid cards, deck of 55 cards

Object: Players control their own clan of specially bred and trained lemmings to compete with other clans, all trying to scurry down a canyon and throw themselves over a cliff. Distance and style points are important. One lemming diving with elan and style is worth 5 mundane divers. But players should be wary of eagles who might get to them first. At each term a movement card is revealed allowing for a 2-5 lemming movement points. But only the top lemming in each stack is allowed to move. Players can also use Special Action Cards to alter the rules to their advantage and their opponent’s detriment. Player with the most victory points wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, this was released in 2010. So your guess is as good as mine.

Why it’s not: While this is certainly a family friendly game, lemmings have been subject to many misconceptions that are still widely believed. For instance, thanks to some documentary shenanigans by Disney and others during the 1950s as well as their chaotic population fluctuations, it’s been widely believed that lemmings commit mass suicide by jumping off cliff. However, cliff jumping is a result of lemming migratory dispersal, not suicide. Lemmings can swim and may choose to cross a body of water in search of a new habitat. But sometimes they drown due to the body of water being so wide which stretches their physical capability to the limit. As for the population fluctuations, it’s now said to be based on predators, food, climate, and others. However, thanks to the mass suicide myth, a game pertaining to lemming cliff jumping might carry some unfortunate implications to some. Doesn’t help that reviews call this a murder and suicide fest either. Still, suicide fest or not, it’s still a pretty gory game.

Available?: Yes.

97. Sealed with a Kiss Game

In this game, players collect "kisses" on their "boyfriend's" picture which are marked with a "kisser" stamper. Of course, it's a stupid game targeted to preteen and teenage girls, obviously.

In this game, players collect “kisses” on their “boyfriend’s” picture which are marked with a “kisser” stamper. Of course, it’s a stupid game targeted to preteen and teenage girls, obviously.

Category: Children

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, spinner, 4 pawns, 4 picture frames, 4 plastic sheets, 6 double-sided boyfriend photos, 1 kiss stamper

Object: Players get one of 12 boyfriend photos which they put in a frame and move a around the board collecting kisses. When a player wins a kiss, they use a special “kisser” stamper to stamp the boyfriend’s photo. However, sometimes players can lose kisses, take kisses, or even trade boyfriends.  First player to collect 5 kisses wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Game developer wanted to appeal to a pre-teen girl demographic, I guess. Seriously, such shit was made for them.

Why it’s not: For one, it basically teaches girls that boys are more important during their teenage years than say, getting good grades to get into college. Second, it’s stupid. Third, it gives girls unrealistic expectations in boys.

Available?: No.

98. Electronic Mall Madness

Now this is a game targeted to preteen and teenage girls in which players shop for items at the mall with an unlimited supply of cash. Of course, this game doesn't have any perception of real world economics.

Now this is a game targeted to preteen and teenage girls in which players shop for items at the mall with an unlimited supply of cash. Of course, this game doesn’t have any perception of real world economics.

Category: Children, Economic, Electronic, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, electronic computer, 4 rubber pads, 4 shopping lists, 6 plastic wall pieces, 2 sale signs, 1 clearance sign, 8 plastic pawns, 40 plastic pegs, fake money, 4 credit cards, 29 pieces of cardboard

Object: Players are mall shoppers in which an electronic computer tells them the best deals and where to move. Goal is for players to purchase 6-10 items on their lists and get back to the parking lot. Access to ATM takes a whole turn, however.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Not sure, guess they think that teenage girls like shopping at the mall.

Why it’s not: It’s a highly materialistic game that teaches girls that there are no real life consequences to maxing out their parents’ credit cards and they’re a source of endless money supply. Also, shopping at the mall is expensive. Besides, it’s highly sexist with its obvious targeting at teenage girls suggesting that they like shopping at the mall. Hey, I’m female and most of the time, I hate shopping.

Available?: Not sure. Might be an online game. It has multiple versions since 1989.

99. Junta

In this game, players represent officers in a junta where they choose El Presidente who rewards them with offices and money. Involves lying, exile, backstabbing, assassination, and other dirty stuff. Certainly not recommended for families of any kind.

In this game, players represent officers in a junta where they choose El Presidente who rewards them with offices and money. Involves lying, exile, backstabbing, assassination, and other dirty stuff. Certainly not recommended for families of any kind.

Category: Bluffing, Humor, War, Mafia, Negotiation, Political, Dice Rolling

Players: 2-7

Contents: a giant mounted full-color map, deck of 78 cards, 3 dice, 148 counters, fake money

Object: Players represent various office holders in the ruling junta. Depending on office and various cards they hold, each player has a certain number of votes which help them choose El Presidente and the budget he or she proposes. El Presidente then distributes the money as he or she sees fit amongst the various offices. Loyalty is usually rewarded while pesky “thorns on side” are completely cut off. But he or she can and usually does keep some of the loot for his or herself with no one knowing the value drawn. Thus, players must attempt to assassinate opponents by guessing where they will be among 5 locations. Players who successfully kill another player, take their opponent’s money but must survive the assassination round to put it in a Swiss bank account. Also, unhappy players can call for a coup with the opposition trying to take control of a majority of power centers with rebels facing El Presidente’s forces. Player who amasses the most money secreted away in a Swiss bank account wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it was probably inspired by the Banana Republic dictatorships in Latin America which it parodies when it was first released in 1975.

Why it’s not: Well, despite that it has quite a following, it also involves backstabbing, assassination, lying, exile, and other dirty stuff. Also, can take as long as 6 hours. Not for families or the faint hearted.

Available?: Well, it’s gone through a lot of versions.

100. Colossal Arena

Colossal Arena is a game where spectators take bets on battles between mythological creatures. Kind of like a mythological version of the gladiatorial games and whatever Michael Vick was doing.

Colossal Arena is a game where spectators take bets on battles between mythological creatures. Kind of like a mythological version of the gladiatorial games and whatever Michael Vick was doing.

Category: Card, Fantasy, Mythology

Players: 2-5

Contents: Deck of 163 cards or one of 110 cards with a draw discard tray, 25 wagering chips

Object: Players represent spectators cheering and betting on the melee ongoing in a fantasy arena/colosseum in which fantasy creatures are pitted against each other in battle. In each round one of the creatures will die. To decide which unlucky soul should, players put numbered power cards in front of the creatures with the lowest one going to the grave. Players’ place bets throughout the game will sometimes allow them to use a creature’s special power in battle. Bettor who rakes in the most winnings is the victor.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, I’m sure betting with fantasy creatures seemed like a great way for people to know about mythological creatures, according to one developer.

Why it’s not: Of course, the only thing that seems to make this game acceptable is that these are fantasy creatures in a Roman arena. Of course, monster battles might be awesome yet are nevertheless animals. Keep in mind it pertains to people betting on animals to fight, which shouldn’t be encouraged. Also, involves gambling.

Available?: Hopefully not.

Family Unfriendly Board Games: Part 9 – Swivel to Dr. Laura Game

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Note: The opening images in this series aren’t of real games by the way. They’re just photoshopped pictures I’ve obtained through various websites. But they kind of emphasize that these games I’m featuring aren’t meant for families for various reasons.

Now we’re closing in on the end. Of course, like most forms of media out there, some board games may live forever while others are just “period pieces” that might seem a good idea at the time, but they don’t age well. And then there are board games in which you have to wonder what the hell they were thinking. Still, before the age of the Internet you might see a lot of good board games like Monopoly and Scrabble as well as the like. But you also have stuff that’s racist, sexist, and very politically incorrect. For instance, the Gay Monopoly game might’ve been quite all right when released in the 1970s, but nowadays, not so much. Not to mention, it also neglects the lives of lesbians but in the 1970s that would’ve been forgiven since the people at the forefront of the Gay Rights Movement at the time were gay men. This might be the same for all the girl games that came out in the 1950s and 1960s which most people today would find inherently sexist. So for your reading pleasure here is the penultimate installment to my series of family unfriendly board games.

81. Swivel

Like Groop Loop, Swivel also inspires some degree of family friendly bondage and randy horseplay. Yet, the difference with this one is that the players have to knock off opponents' cones and they tie ropes around their waists with pendulums in the middle.

Like Groop Loop, Swivel also inspires some degree of family friendly bondage and randy horseplay. Yet, the difference with this one is that the players have to knock off opponents’ cones and they tie ropes around their waists with pendulums in the middle.

Category: Action/Dexterity

Players: 4

Contents: game mat, cones, pendulum, ropes, straps

Object: Players have a rope tied at their waists which is tied to a central pendulum. Players pivot their bodies trying to swing the pendulum so that it knocks down their opponent’s pins but not their own.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Hell, if I know the answer to that. It was created by Milton Bradley in 1972 so probably the influence of drugs.

Why it’s not: Let’s just say it inspires randy horseplay. Really not the kind of game you want to play with your family. Seriously, it’s an awkward situation waiting to happen.

Available?: No.

82. Let’s Be Safe!

Though supposed to stimulate discussions about safety between parents and children, I'm not sure if this game would be something you'd want to play on a Friday night. Of course, some contents of this game is rather depressing as I've described.

Though supposed to stimulate discussions about safety between parents and children, I’m not sure if this game would be something you’d want to play on a Friday night. Of course, some contents of this game is rather depressing as I’ve described.

Category: Children, Educational, Memory, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, cards, spinner, player pawns

Object: A game about safety in which players spin a spinner and move that many spaces. Cards are also matched. Players are asked questions about safety and game actively encourages discussions about the subject.

Why they thought it was a good idea: It was meant to teach children about safety during the 1980s. Particularly when it comes to discussing safety issues with parents in a fun, relaxed, manner.

Why it’s not: While it’s supposed to bring discussion of safety issues between parents and children in a fun and relaxed manner, I’m not sure if that’s the case here. A couple card samples:  “A stranger offers you a ride in his dirty black van. Go back five spaces and pick a Therapy Card,” and “Your kite is stuck in a power line.  Lose a limb – and a turn.” I guess board games aren’t a great way to discuss safety issues are they?

Available?: No, thank God.

83. After the Holocaust

The kind of board game in which players try to survive after a thermonuclear war between the US and the Soviet Union. Said to be unwinnable and not the kind of post-apocalyptic fun for the whole family.

The kind of board game in which players try to survive after a thermonuclear war between the US and the Soviet Union. Said to be unwinnable and not the kind of post-apocalyptic fun for the whole family.

Category: Economic, Hex-and-Counter

Players: 3-4

Contents: 2 hexagonal grid map boards, 400 counters, 4 charts and tabs sheets, 144 money pieces, 2 dice

Object: Basically set in the US 20 years after a thermonuclear war with the Soviet Union. Players control one region of North America and part of Canada consisting of the Northeast, Midwest, Southwest, and Far West. Has 5 distinct rounds consisting of Production, Trade, Consumption, Political and Military, and Financial. Also between the 4th and 8th turns, population increases by 10%. Players can establish taxes, control fuel, manipulate labor, or battle their opponents.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, this was published in 1977 with the Cold War going on (but not like in the 1950s and 1960s).

Why it’s not: Well, for one it’s said that this game is unwinnable. Second, I’m sure post-apocalyptic survival game isn’t appropriate fun for the whole family. Besides, I’m sure a nuclear war would leave very few survivors.

Available?: No.

84. Gooey Louie

Gooey Louie is a game in which players try to pull boogers out of a guy's head save for the one that makes his brains pop. Disgusting? I'll say. Said to appeal to all ages (though I beg to differ).

Gooey Louie is a game in which players try to pull boogers out of a guy’s head save for the one that makes his brains pop. Disgusting? I’ll say. Said to appeal to all ages (though I beg to differ).

Category: Action/Dexterity, Party

Players: 4-8

Contents: Louie head, gooeys, , die

Object: Pull the gooeys out of Louie and win. Watch his brain pop out when the special gooey gets picked.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I have absolutely no explanation for that one. Came out in 1995.

Why it’s not: Well, in involves pulling things out of a guy’s nose. Also has brains popping out. Definitely not the kind of game you want to play with the whole family who might be grossed out by it.

Available?: Not sure.

85. Dynamite Shack

The game in which large thumbs and sticking explosives into a shake is said to create an explosive good time. Of course, you couldn't say much if played with the real things.

The game in which large thumbs and sticking explosives into a shake is said to create an explosive good time. Of course, you couldn’t say much if played with the real things.

Category: Action/Dexterity, Children, Racing

Players: 2-4

Contents: dynamite shack box, dynamite plastic sticks, plastic thumbs, cards

Object: With oversized thumbs, players try to put dynamite stacks into a shack before it blows up.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I don’t know. It was made in 1968 by Milton Bradley. So your guess is as good as mine. Drugs?

Why it’s not: Well, other than the explosive premise, I wonder if some of the stuff can fly everywhere when the shack blows up. Also, let’s just say playing the game with the real shack and real dynamite wouldn’t go so well.

Available?: No.

86. Legal Decision

Legal Decision is a game that shows players how the legal system works in less time than actual court proceedings. But it sometimes seems that way while playing it because it looks quite dull.

Legal Decision is a game that shows players how the legal system works in less time than actual court proceedings. But it sometimes seems that way while playing it because it looks quite dull.

Category: Roll/Spin and Move, Educational

Players: 3-6

Contents: game board, decks of cards, jury box, player pawns, die, certificate, score sheets, cardboard pieces

Object: Players participate in a courtroom trial in roles of the defense attorney, prosecutor, jury foreman, judge, and others. Witnesses testify, cross-examination may change testimony, juror’s sympathy can be swayed, and new evidence can be introduced. Drama builds as jury moves toward its verdict.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Guess someone wanted to educate people about the legal system, particularly the flaws.

Why it’s not: For one, it’s difficult to recreate real court proceedings since they tend to be horribly long. Second, it’s entirely governed by luck. Third, it’s said to highlight a single case where evidence is clearly insufficient and conviction is fairly likely.

Available?: No.

87. Antiques Roadshow: the Game

Based on the hit PBS TV Show, this game would sure make a good time for fans, antique dealers, and antique collectors. For everyone else, not so much. Probably should get the Downton Abbey board game instead.

Based on the hit PBS TV Show, this game would sure make a good time for fans, antique dealers, and antique collectors. For everyone else, not so much. Probably should get the Downton Abbey board game instead.

Category: Card, Auction/Bidding

Players: 2-4

Contents: Deck of cards

Object: Players are given a hand of 2 different types of cards such as 10 value cards and 3 Antique speak cards. Goal is to get rid of all cards in their hands. During a turn, the player selects an antique card and chooses a value from their hand to correspond to what the player thinks is worth. Once done, the player reads 2 stories printed on the back of the cards with one true, the other false. Once the stories are read, all the players will vote on which one is true. The true story and actual value are revealed. Game ends when a player is out of cards.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it’s a tie-in to a PBS show called Antiques Roadshow, which is still running.

Why it’s not: This is more of a trivia game for antique dealers, collectors, and diehard fans than anything. It’s also very much luck based as well. Also, incredibly stupid.

Available?: Hopefully not.

88. Crocodile Pool Party

In this game, players are charged with trying to save swimmers from the crocodiles and the crocodiles from each other. Of course, though recommended for ages 8 and up, I'm sure as hell wouldn't recommend it for families in Florida.

In this game, players are charged with trying to save swimmers from the crocodiles and the crocodiles from each other. Of course, though recommended for ages 8 and up, I’m sure as hell wouldn’t recommend it for families in Florida.

Category: Animals, Racing, Abstract Strategy

Players: 2

Contents: game board, 12 swimmer/crocodile tiles

Object: Crocodiles are let loose in the swimming pool and are attacking swimmers as well as each other. First player to bring all the crocodiles and swimmers to safety wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Believe it or not, this came out in 1968 and is recommended for ages 8 and up. Other than that, I’m not sure.

Why it’s not: I’m not sure if a game about crocs devouring swimmers in a pool is great for a family game night. This is especially true if you live in New Orleans or Florida where a croc infestation in your swimming pool is a thing you have to worry about. Also, it’s said to be a 2 player game.

Available?: It’s been through a few versions.

89. Prison Bitch

Now this is a game which is supposed to be a take off on male prison life as well as a very politically incorrect one. Was actually banned from a game convention due to its depiction of prison rape. Hasn't stopped others though.

Now this is a game which is supposed to be a take off on male prison life as well as a very politically incorrect one. Was actually banned from a game convention due to its depiction of prison rape. Hasn’t stopped others though.

Category: Fighting, Horror, Mature/Adult, Card, Dice Rolling

Players: 2-4

Contents: Decks of cards, dice

Object: Players assume character decks and portray a male prison inmate competing for top dog within their prison cell. Players can recruit bitches, gather a gang of thugs to attack other players, as well as use event cards like Parole, Trip to the Infirmary, and Thugs on Dope to effect or eliminate opposing Thugs. Players must defeat opponents either in combat or reducing their Reputation points to zero.

Why they thought it was a good idea: It’s supposed to be a satire on the male prison system and released in 2003. Apparently created by a fan of The Shawshank Redemption.

Why it’s not: It was banned from the 2003 Origins Game Faire for being too offensive. Besides, I’m not sure if mocking what goes on in male prisons is a good idea, especially with the title of “Prison Bitch.” This is especially true if it contains prison rape and it doesn’t help that people joke about it.

Available?: I’m not sure, but it didn’t stop others from creating games pertaining to prison rape.

90. Dr. Laura Game

For those who like trashy daytime talk shows and Fox News, say hello to the Dr. Laura Game. It's the one Cracked labeled as "the worst board game ever made." Of course, Dr. Laura is said to be quite a bitch, to put it mildly.

For those who like trashy daytime talk shows and Fox News, say hello to the Dr. Laura Game. It’s the one Cracked labeled as “the worst board game ever made.” Of course, Dr. Laura is said to be quite a bitch, to put it mildly.

Category: Educational

Players: 3-6

Contents: cards, game board, die

Object: Players use cards to guess Dr. Laura’s responses to callers to try to give an answer that the others would like better determined by vote. Based on the talk show of Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I guess Dr. Laura was a popular radio host at the time. It was released in 1997.

Why it’s not: Cracked has called this the “worst board game of all time.” Also, Dr. Laura is basically known for letting callers talk for 2 sentences before telling them that everything is their fault as well as going on a rant about people like them. Let’s just say she’s so mean-spirited and trashy she makes Jerry Springer and Maury Povich look like altar boys.

Available?: No.