Gather Round All Ye Lords and Ladies to Marvel at These Magnificent Costumes of the Ye Olde Renaissance Festival

Dressed for the 16th Century

In my neck of the woods on September weekends, there’s a Renaissance Festival that goes on every year. In fact, I worked there for a season at the concession stand which meant hours and hours of standing. I didn’t mind preparing the food, but it was just the standing that bothered me. Nevertheless, it’s not an experience I want to repeat again. Still, I don’t usually go there as a participant because of how everything there is so expensive. However, there are plenty of people who do this as a thing on an annual basis. Not only that, but they dress up in costumes for the event as well. Hell, some people even get married there. Now I have to confess to my readers outside the country that these festivals aren’t aiming for historical authenticity save maybe when it comes to crafts or some of the other pageantry. It’s more for entertainment with dancing, jousting, music, processions, petting zoos, face painting, and food as well as fun for the whole family. Not to mention, its theme is usually geared more toward England and France since the Renaissance would look way different for someone in Italy. While some including the Greater Pittsburgh Renaissance Festival are short term events at fairgrounds or other large spaces, some could be permanent theme parks. As for the costumes, well, some can range from the Middle Ages to the early 18th century (which aren’t aiming for accuracy, by the way, for obvious reasons). Some could be fantasy such as fairies and wizards. And some could be, well, anything goes.

There’s a very interesting story how these festivals got started. The first one was held in 1963 by a Los Angeles school teacher named Phyllis Patterson as a class activity in the backyard of her Laurel Canyon home in Hollywood Hills. Later that year, Patterson and her husband Ron presented the first “Renaissance Pleasure Faire” as a radio station fundraiser with about 8,000 people showing up. It was made to resemble a Living History Center as a spring market fair on of the period. Commercial vendors were artisans and food merchants required to demonstrate historical accuracy and plausibility for their crafts. Reenactors were volunteers organized into “guilds” focused on specific duties like music, military, Celtic clans, peasants, etc. And both reenactors and vendors had to successfully complete workshops in period language, accents, costuming, culture, and to stay “in character” while working. Of course, other Renaissance festivals would soon spring up and become local traditions across the country. So the rest is history. Of course, Renaissance festivals as we know are more of an American thing for obvious reasons.

In this post, I intend to show you the many kinds of costumes on might see at a Renaissance Festival. Some of them may be to your liking while others might make you scratch your head. So without further adieu, here are some of many Renaissance Festival costumes for your viewing pleasure.

  1. Keep in mind the cornucopias make great horns.
They're also said to be a good way to store stuff, too. But you really don't want to wear them and put stuff in them at the same time.

They’re also said to be a good way to store stuff, too. But you really don’t want to wear them and put stuff in them at the same time.

2. Of course, if you’re a woman stranded on a deserted island, the big clams always cover the most.

I'm sure she's supposed to be some ocean maiden here from her outfit. However, I bet her costume cost her a lot of clams that she only had the two big ones left.

I’m sure she’s supposed to be some ocean maiden here from her outfit. However, I bet her costume cost her a lot of clams that she only had the two big ones left.

3. May I present, a gypsy fortune teller and a scarecrow.

You can guess which one of these saved money by making their own costume. However, that burlap must be itchy as hell. But I hope the costume doesn't terrify the kiddies.

You can guess which one of these saved money by making their own costume. However, that burlap must be itchy as hell. But I hope the costume doesn’t terrify the kiddies.

4. Of course, in this photo op, it should be blatantly obvious who isn’t going anywhere.

Now I don't know about you, but how does the mermaid woman even move around. Seriously, she runs a very high risk on constantly tripping on her fish tail. Perhaps I don't blame Ariel for wanting legs, even though I'd be pissed at her on why she wanted them.

Now I don’t know about you, but how does the mermaid woman even move around. Seriously, she runs a very high risk on constantly tripping on her fish tail. Perhaps I don’t blame Ariel for wanting legs, even though I’d be pissed at her on why she wanted them.

5. Sometimes all you need is a peasant shirt, bodice, skirt, and a picnic basket.

Out of all the Renaissance Festival costumes I've seen here, I think this one is probably the least expensive and most doable. Seriously, sometimes you just need to keep it simple.

Out of all the Renaissance Festival costumes I’ve seen here, I think this one is probably the least expensive and most doable. Seriously, sometimes you just need to keep it simple.

6. May I present ye olde Tudor Yeomen of the Guard.

You could tell these were the guys who guarded the Tudor royalty and the Tower of London. Of course, Henry VIII needed a lot of them so his buddies and two of his wives wouldn't escape from there. Then again, the Tower was a luxury prison suite anyway.

You could tell these were the guys who guarded the Tudor royalty and the Tower of London. Of course, Henry VIII needed a lot of them so his buddies and two of his wives wouldn’t escape from there. Then again, the Tower was a luxury prison suite anyway.

7. Of course, no woman looks better in a bodice than a lady pirate.

Of course, this is the kind of outfit that would make historians shake their heads in dismay. We should remember that most Golden Age pirates were men. And even though women pirates did exist, they usually dressed in drag and for good reason.

Of course, this is the kind of outfit that would make historians shake their heads in dismay. We should remember that most Golden Age pirates were men. And even though women pirates did exist, they usually dressed in drag and for good reason.

8. When it comes to Renaissance Festival cosplay, even the very young can join in the fun.

Sure she looks so adorable in that little dress of hers. However, I'm sure a boy would've worn that outfit just as easily during the 16th century.

Sure she looks so adorable in that little dress of hers. However, I’m sure a boy would’ve worn that outfit almost just as easily during the 16th century. Well, at least until he was potty trained.

9. Now this is what I call a “deer maiden.”

Let's hope she's not wearing this during hunting season. Still, you have to love the makeup and flowers on the ears.

Let’s hope she’s not wearing this during hunting season. Still, you have to love the makeup and flowers on the ears.

10. Of course, a pirate lass should always have a badass coat.

I have to admit, that is a very nice coat she has there. Nevertheless, I wonder if she's just either posing or really uncomfortable.

I have to admit, that is a very nice coat she has there. Nevertheless, I wonder if she’s just either posing for a photo or really uncomfortable.

11. At the Renaissance Fair, it’s not unusual to see the occasional satyr frolicking around.

Of course, satyrs in Greek Mythology weren't nearly as pretty as this woman. In fact, many Greek satyrs are said to be quite ugly as well as men. The female satyr was a later invention of poets.

Of course, satyrs in Greek Mythology weren’t nearly as pretty as this woman. In fact, many Greek satyrs are said to be quite ugly as well as men. The female satyr was a later invention of poets.

12. Remember you should never keep a pirate away from his rum.

Yes, pirates love their rum. But that's probably because most British Golden Age pirates were impressed sailors who were put on a ship after having a few too many at a seaside tavern. Of course, they'll never teach you that in history class.

Yes, pirates love their rum. But that’s probably because most British Golden Age pirates were impressed sailors who were put on a ship after having a few too many at a seaside tavern. Of course, they’ll never teach you that in history class.

13. Now may I introduce you to the lovely Lady Anne Boleyn in her resplendent dress.

God, she's so beautiful that she'd make you want to lose your head. Hate to even think about what happened to her.

God, she’s so beautiful that she’d make you want to lose your head. Hate to even think about what happened to her.

14. Of course, a gypsy woman always takes her essential implements with her.

On her skirt, she has all the necessary things such as her money purse, her goblet, and her wooden spoon. I'm sure the goblet isn't made from fine metal. Else, someone might miss it.

On her skirt, she has all the necessary things such as her money purse, her goblet, and her wooden spoon. I’m sure the goblet isn’t made from fine metal. Else, someone might miss it.

15. Seems like the fairy queen would like to take a stroll in the village.

Yes, you see a lot of people dressed as fairies at the Renaissance Festival. Of course, I'm not sure if she's a fairy godmother but her dress is quite elaborate.

Yes, you see a lot of people dressed as fairies at the Renaissance Festival. Of course, I’m not sure if she’s a fairy godmother but her dress is quite elaborate.

16. Sometimes at these Renaissance Festivals you might occasionally come across a strapping young lad in the forest.

And what a strapping young lad he is. Of course, he might just be a model for this costume on eBay. But sometimes it never hurts to dream.

And what a strapping young lad he is. Of course, he might just be a model for this costume on eBay. But sometimes it never hurts to dream.

17. “Honey, will you take me as your evil husband and rule the evil netherworld together?”

I don't know what's awkward about this moment. Is it because she's taken by surprise? Or is that he's proposing to her in badass looking armor you'd see from a sci-fi movie?

I don’t know what’s awkward about this moment. Is it because she’s taken by surprise? Or is that he’s proposing to her in badass looking armor you’d see from a sci-fi movie?

18. Beware for the evil goat man is upon us.

Yes, you see a lot of this, too, I guess. Of course, despite that he might frighten small children, he's probably harmless. Just some guy in a costume having fun.

Yes, you see a lot of this, too, I guess. Of course, despite that he might frighten small children, he’s probably harmless. Just some guy in a costume having fun.

19. Seems like the dark magical enchanters have descended across the land.

Now just a family at the Renaissance Festival in their costumes. But, yes, you'd expect movie fantasy villains to wear such badass outfits, especially in the 1980s. Kind of funny if you think about it.

Now just a family at the Renaissance Festival in their costumes. But, yes, you’d expect movie fantasy villains to wear such badass outfits, especially in the 1980s. Kind of funny if you think about it.

20. Oh, no, there’s a Spanish Conquistador on the premises!

Actually, that's just a guy at the Renaissance Festival enjoying a drink who happens to be dressed as one. Then again, this wasn't an unusual military style during the 16th century. Or the early 17th, Let's hope he doesn't spread smallpox or kill any Indians.

Actually, that’s just a guy at the Renaissance Festival enjoying a drink who happens to be dressed as one. Then again, this wasn’t an unusual military style during the 16th century. Or the early 17th, Let’s hope he doesn’t spread smallpox or kill any Indians.

21. While many people dress up for the Renaissance Festival, some people share costume ideas as couples.

Of course, their faces are powered in black makeup. Now while this might go well with their costumes as evil spirits, it might lead to some unfortunate implications with certain groups of people.

Of course, their faces are powered in black makeup. Now while this might go well with their costumes as evil spirits, it might lead to some unfortunate implications with certain groups of people.

22. Of course, you can’t have a great Renaissance Festival with Gandalf the Gray.

Unfortunately for him, his pipeweed and pipe were confiscated at the entrance gate. But yeah, sometimes you do have people dressed up as Lord of the Rings characters there.

Unfortunately for him, his pipeweed and pipe were confiscated at the entrance gate. But yeah, sometimes you do have people dressed up as Lord of the Rings characters there.

23. At the Renaissance Festival, costumes are worn even by the youngest lords and ladies.

Now this little princess is so adorable in her pretty little dress. Of course, I'm not sure if she's old enough to enjoy some of the activities though. Then again, she might like the petting zoo.

Now this little princess is so adorable in her pretty little dress. Of course, I’m not sure if she’s old enough to enjoy some of the activities though. Then again, she might like the petting zoo.

24. For a lady in winter, it’s better to go in darker shade of blue.

Okay, I think this photo might be taking for advertising purposes only since most Renfests don't take place in the winter. Then again, she might be quite warm in her dress.

Okay, I think this photo might be taking for advertising purposes only since most Renfests don’t take place in the winter. Then again, she might be quite warm in her dress.

25. Want to spare some change for an old wizard?

Seems like Gandalf isn't the only wizard around these parts. Of course, you get a lot of wizards there, too. Still, like his horned staff.

Seems like Gandalf isn’t the only wizard around these parts. Of course, you get a lot of wizards there, too. Still, like his horned staff.

26. Of course, I’m not sure about these guys coming at the Renaissance Festival with firearms. They might pose a security threat.

Oh, wait, those are pre-American Civil War weapons even if they're working models. Let's just say, these guns aren't very practical as weapons anyway. You can say the same for most Renaissance firearms.

Oh, wait, those are pre-American Civil War weapons even if they’re working models. Let’s just say, these guns aren’t very practical as weapons anyway. You can say the same for most Renaissance firearms.

27. When you go to the Renaissance Festival, there’s a strong chance that you might run into some fairies.

I'm sure these girls aren't nature spirits or even manic pixie dream girls. But they do seem to be having a rather good time as friends.

I’m sure these girls aren’t nature spirits or even manic pixie dream girls. But they do seem to be having a rather good time as friends.

28. When it comes to costumes, sometimes you can tell what a person’s supposed to be, sometimes you can’t.

For instance, I can't tell what the hell this guy's supposed to be. Is he some kind of nature spirit, mythological creature, or witch doctor?

For instance, I can’t tell what the hell this guy’s supposed to be. Is he some kind of nature spirit, mythological creature, or witch doctor?

29. Of course, you might want to get out of this guy’s way when he’s at the concession stand.

I'm sure this guy isn't a real bishop or clergyman in that matter. Then again, I could be wrong. Still, from a historical perspective, he could use some more bling.

I’m sure this guy isn’t a real bishop or clergyman in that matter. Then again, I could be wrong. Still, from a historical perspective, he could use some more bling.

30.For a barbarian, her attire appears rather sparse.

Contrary to what you see at the Renaissance Festival, Barbarian women during the Dark Ages weren't nubile savages. In fact., they dressed in warmer clothes.

Contrary to what you see at the Renaissance Festival, Barbarian women during the Dark Ages weren’t nubile savages. In fact., they dressed in warmer clothes.

31. You might be aware that the Renaissance Festival permits costumes from all kinds of cultures.

This is supposed to be an Eastern European outfit. I'm not sure if it counts as cultural appropriation or not. Still, the guy doesn't look that bad.

This is supposed to be an Eastern European outfit. I’m not sure if it counts as cultural appropriation or not. Still, the guy doesn’t look that bad.

32. Sometimes knights need to relax now and then.

Now these three guys seem to keep their armor pretty squeaky clean. Still, I wouldn't want to be in their mail or metal covered boots.

Now these three guys seem to keep their armor pretty squeaky clean. Still, I wouldn’t want to be in their mail or metal covered boots.

33. A drink of good rum and a badass outfit makes a pirate out of him.

Of course, his costume might look quite authentic for a Golden Age pirate if it was dirty. However, what's even more unrealistic is that the guy is obviously middle aged. Most Golden Age pirates were in their 20s.

Of course, his costume might look quite authentic for a Golden Age pirate if it was dirty. However, what’s even more unrealistic is that the guy is obviously middle aged. Most Golden Age pirates were in their 20s.

34. At the Renaissance Festival, you find people in all sorts of costumes with bright colors and intricate patterns.

Now the outer dress is quite intricate and beautiful. However, I'm not sure about the dress underneath. Kind of think you shouldn't wear two patterned items of clothing at the same time.

Now the outer dress is quite intricate and beautiful. However, I’m not sure about the dress underneath. Kind of think you shouldn’t wear two patterned items of clothing at the same time.

35. You have to admit, it’s kind of shame that Renaissance festivals don’t have any restroom accommodations for centaurs.

Of course, being a guy needing to go No. 1, the lack of privacy might not be much of a problem. If he was a woman and/or had to go No.2, then the costume might be more of an obstacle.

Of course, being a guy needing to go No. 1, the lack of privacy might not be much of a problem. If he was a woman and/or had to go No.2, then the costume might be more of an obstacle.

36. Of course, this evil sorceress may have a problem with the lighting while trying her costume on.

Now I do love her outfit, especially the color and trim. However, from the look on her face, I swear that she put a curse on the photographer after the shoot.

Now I do love her outfit, especially the color and trim. However, from the look on her face, I swear that she put a curse on the photographer after the shoot.

37. Seems like this plague doctor is currently taking patients.

Love the

Love the “Bring Out Your Dead” sign. However, unless if he practices modern medicine, I’d stay away from that guy.

38. Of course, humans aren’t the only creatures to enjoy the Renaissance Festival.

Now this group is dressed in the costumes derived from the Wes Anderson play,

Now this group is dressed in the costumes derived from the Wes Anderson play, “Sir Richard Fox the Fantastic.” That or just furries who really enjoy the Renaissance Festival.

39. There’s nothing more adorable at the Renaissance Festival than a little child in an Eizabethan collar.

Yes, she's cute in her little dress. I'm sure Queen Elizabeth I wore the same thing when she was her age (sarcasm).

Yes, she’s cute in her little dress. I’m sure Queen Elizabeth I wore the same thing when she was her age (sarcasm).

40. For couples looking for Renaissance Festival costumes, it’s help of they match.

Now though I like how their outfits coordinate each other, I'm not sure about the color. Also, I don't know about those hats either.

Now though I like how their outfits coordinate each other, I’m not sure about the color. Also, I don’t know about those hats either.

41. Nothing makes a monk happier than a good brew and a tavern wench.

I'm sure these two are husband and wife in real life. But at the Renaissance Festival, nobody cares about him betraying his holy vows.

I’m sure these two are husband and wife in real life. But at the Renaissance Festival, nobody cares about him betraying his holy vows.

42. Nothing is more irresistible to the ladies than a wiener dog in mail.

Now Renaissance children's costumes are one thing. But Renaissance Festival costumes for your pets? Now that's kind of ridiculous. Besides, I'm not sure if many Renaissance Festivals even allow them.

Now Renaissance children’s costumes are one thing. But Renaissance Festival costumes for your pets? Now that’s kind of ridiculous. Besides, I’m not sure if many Renaissance Festivals even allow them.

43. When the Viking hordes arrive, they always seem to come in groups.

Unlike real Vikings, they're not looking for a monastery to raid or a warrior death to get to Valhalla. They just want to party.

Unlike real Vikings, they’re not looking for a monastery to raid or a warrior death to get to Valhalla. They just want to party.

44. When it comes to Renaissance Festivals, even a turtle should be appropriately attired.

Now why would anyone take their pets to the Renaissance Festival is beyond me? I can understand wanting to dress your dog or cat. But dressing a turtle? That's kind of ridiculous.

Now why would anyone take their pets to the Renaissance Festival is beyond me? I can understand wanting to dress your dog or cat. But dressing a turtle? That’s kind of ridiculous.

45. We should remember that a gypsy dog should be dressed like one.

Now I'm sure any dog love would think this is adorable. But I think a lot of dogs would see this as simple humiliation.

Now I’m sure any dog love would think this is adorable. But I think a lot of dogs would see this as simple humiliation.

46. Of course, when you’re at the Renaissance Festival, keep in mind that there’s a chance you might run into some real creeps.

I'm sure he's in this place to look for his precious. However, he won't find it because a hobbit named Bilbo Baggins already too it. But he seems to love the camera anyway.

I’m sure he’s in this place to look for his precious. However, he won’t find it because a hobbit named Bilbo Baggins already too it. But he seems to love the camera anyway.

47. They may like separate teams and dress from different eras. But this is kind of event they can enjoy together.

He likes the Minnesota Vikings and she likes the Greenbay Packers. But at least they seem to have an activity that they can enjoy together. Love her cheese hat by the way.

He likes the Minnesota Vikings and she likes the Greenbay Packers. But at least they seem to have an activity that they can enjoy together. Love her cheese hat by the way.

48. Of course, you can’t do without mail at a Renaissance Festival.

Of course, I don't think the women's outfits would give them much protection from any weapons. Or the elements for that matter.

Of course, I don’t think the women’s outfits would give them much protection from any weapons. Or the elements for that matter.

49. Sometimes there’s nothing more adorable at a Renaissance Festival than a little boy in fur.

I guess this is a little Eastern European Renaissance costume. I hope he's not going as a little Ivan the Terrible.

I guess this is a little Eastern European Renaissance costume. I hope he’s not going as a little Ivan the Terrible.

50. Seems like this Renaissance Festival gives this little girl the perfect opportunity to dress as her favorite Disney princess.

She's supposed to be Princess Merida from Brave. And she's so adorable and happy. However, I'm not sure if that's the costume Merida wore in the movie though.

She’s supposed to be Princess Merida from Brave. And she’s so adorable and happy. However, I’m not sure if that’s the costume Merida wore in the movie though.

51. Nothing looks better on a little knight than his own mail tunic.

And from what I can tell, it's an Eastern European variety from how I can tell from that Orthodox cross. Still, it might protect him from stab wounds but not from spoiling his diaper.

And from what I can tell, it’s an Eastern European variety from how I can tell from that Orthodox cross. Still, it might protect him from stab wounds but not from spoiling his diaper.

52. Not everyone at the Renaissance Festival likes getting their picture taken.

Of course, this guy doesn't seem too happy. However, he certainly does have one awesome costume that the photographers couldn't resist.

Of course, this guy doesn’t seem too happy. However, he certainly does have one awesome costume that the photographers couldn’t resist.

53. Oh, my God, why if it isn’t Captain Jack Sparrow.

Yes, that's Captain Jack Sparrow all right. Not Johnny Depp exactly, but almost spot on. Of course, I'm sure you'd see people dressed as Jack at some Renaissance Festival.

Yes, that’s Captain Jack Sparrow all right. Not Johnny Depp exactly, but almost spot on. Of course, I’m sure you’d see people dressed as Jack at some Renaissance Festival.

54. This Boston Terrier seems to be the king of the faire, or so he thinks.

Now he's certainly in a resplendent robe. But all I guess he's thinking is feasting on some of those turkey legs.

Now he’s certainly in a resplendent robe. But all I guess he’s thinking is feasting on some of those turkey legs.

55. Nothing brings the spirit of the Renaissance Festival like a kilted Boba Fett merrymaking with Imperial Stormtroopers.

Who knew that Boba and the Stormtroopers knew how to have fun? Also, who knew that any of them were Scottish?

Who knew that Boba and the Stormtroopers knew how to have fun? Also, who knew that any of them were Scottish?

56. Of course, you can’t be a musketeer if you aren’t clad in leather.

He's supposed to be a dark musketeer. But I wouldn't be surprised if he had a sex dungeon in his basement. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Well, unless he doesn't keep it safe, sane, and consensual.

He’s supposed to be a dark musketeer. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a sex dungeon in his basement. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Well, unless he doesn’t keep it safe, sane, and consensual.

57. I’m sure this man is a fortune teller who came from a distant land.

And it seems that this guy is overloaded with piercings, tattoos, and jewelry. Yeah, I think he needs to cut it down a notch.

And it seems that this guy is overloaded with piercings, tattoos, and jewelry. Yeah, I think he needs to take it down a notch.

58. Now there’s nothing better at the Renaissance Festival than a little princess leading her Viking dad by a chain.

Now this has to be the most adorable hostage situation I have ever seen. This father must be a great sport to resort to this photo op.

Now this has to be the most adorable hostage situation I have ever seen. This father must be a great sport to resort to this photo op.

59. Look, kiddies, it’s Mother Goose!

Seems to have an interesting hat if I do say so myself. Then again, there might be some disturbing implications with the feathers.

Seems to have an interesting hat if I do say so myself. Then again, there might be some disturbing implications with the feathers.

60. There’s nothing better at the Renaissance Festival than an old Scottish Highlander on his Segway.

Now I understand why he's not riding a horse. But I'm not sure a Segway makes an appropriate substitute. He's better off getting a friend follow him banging coconut shells.

Now I understand why he’s not riding a horse. But I’m not sure a Segway makes an appropriate substitute. He’s better off getting a friend follow him banging coconut shells.

61. Of course, even soldiers of dark legions need a break now and then.

Don't always imagine demonic soldiers sitting down for a drink. Always thought they wouldn't have time for that. Still, that one guy's helmet looks pretty cool.

Don’t always imagine demonic soldiers sitting down for a drink. Always thought they wouldn’t have time for that. Still, that one guy’s helmet looks pretty cool.

62. As the Three Musketeers say, “All for one and one for all.”

Or as it should've been more accurately,

Or as it should’ve been more accurately, “Four Guys with Swords” because of Dartagnan and the fact they usually fight with swords. Let’s just say an 17th century gunfight wouldn’t be very exciting.

63. Of course, some Renaissance Festivals tend to be fatal for certain people.

Seems like Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Scotty have already lost Ensign Ricky. Guess they're in a very dangerous situation. Then again, why these guys are at a Renaissance Festival is beyond me.

Seems like Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Scotty have already lost Ensign Ricky. Guess they’re in a very dangerous situation. Then again, why these guys are at a Renaissance Festival is beyond me.

64. If you want to catch fairies, consult with this guy.

Of course, by

Of course, by “fairy” he means those winged mythological creatures. And I wonder if his net will be enough to catch them. I mean some fairies can be pretty feisty.

65. Of course, you always need the purrfect Renaissance Festival costume for your cat.

Wonder if they have a cat Renaissance Festival costume for Puss in Boots. I mean they should. Still, I think the ruff might make this kitty quite uncomfortable.

Wonder if they have a cat Renaissance Festival costume for Puss in Boots. I mean they should. Still, I think the ruff might make this kitty quite uncomfortable.

66. Sometimes Renaissance Festivals might appear receive visitors from another planet.

Wonder how the aliens from Sesame Street managed to get there. Of course, their costumes were probably easy to make.

Wonder how the aliens from Sesame Street managed to get there. Of course, their costumes were probably easy to make.

67. When it comes to knighthood, it’s not unusual to start young.

He may not be for an armor suit yet. But this boy sure does have a knightly spirit to say the least.

He may not be for an armor suit yet. But this boy sure does have a knightly spirit to say the least.

68. We should all know that even a fair maiden looks resplendent in furs.

Of course, I might get called out by PETA on this. But I'm sure the fur trim is fake but nevertheless, guaranteed to keep her warm.

Of course, I might get called out by PETA on this. But I’m sure the fur trim is fake but nevertheless, guaranteed to keep her warm.

69. A Renaissance Festival bride should always get married in a blue dress and a tartan sash.

I bet the chances are high that whoever's marrying her will be wearing a kilt. And he'd probably be married in that type of plaid. Still, she's quite stunning.

I bet the chances are high that whoever’s marrying her will be wearing a kilt. And he’d probably be married in that type of plaid. Still, she’s quite stunning.

70. While some fairies flutter their wings, other tend to spread them.

Of course, she's wearing a mask to conceal her identity. She's also wearing a leather corset. But with those wings, she looks quite magnificent.

Of course, she’s wearing a mask to conceal her identity. She’s also wearing a leather corset. But with those wings, she looks quite magnificent.

71. Time for this mermaid to get out of her clam shell.

Nevertheless, I wonder how she manages to stay on dry land without any breathing difficulty. Or even move around with that tail of hers.

Nevertheless, I wonder how she manages to stay on dry land without any breathing difficulty. Or even move around with that tail of hers.

72. Seems like this gypsy woman has befriended this old hermit.

Yeah, I'm sure this is one of these couple portraits. This man has probably not sworn off civilization for a life of holy contemplation.

Yeah, I’m sure this is one of these couple portraits. This man has probably not sworn off civilization for a life of holy contemplation.

73. While some Renaissance Festival costumes are amazing, others can be subject to interpretation.

Now I find that the woman in this is rather stunning in her outfit. I'm not sure about the man in his. Looks like something I'd see at some underground nightclub. Then again, that's just my opinion.

Now I find that the woman in this is rather stunning in her outfit. I’m not sure about the man in his. Looks like something I’d see at some underground nightclub. Then again, that’s just my opinion.

74. For this owner, this basset hound is bound to look like a prince.

However, this basset hound thinks he looks like an idiot. But he's putting a smile for the camera because his owner has a bag full of Beggin Strips.

However, this basset hound thinks he looks like an idiot. But he’s putting a smile for the camera because his owner has a bag full of Beggin Strips.

75. Of course, this Renaissance Festival isn’t always fun for a vampire.

For her there's so many potential victims but so little opportunity to devour them and get away with it. Also, there's the fact that the Renaissance festival only takes place on weekends during the daytime.

For her there’s so many potential victims but so little opportunity to devour them and get away with it. Also, there’s the fact that the Renaissance festival only takes place on weekends during the daytime.

76. When it comes to the festivities, Queen Elizabeth I is the master of ceremonies.

Of course, she may be a fair queen, you really don't want to mess with her. Believe me, so many during her 44 year reign learned the hard way such as the Earl of Essex and Mary, Queen of Scots.

Of course, she may be a fair queen, you really don’t want to mess with her. Believe me, so many during her 44 year reign learned the hard way such as the Earl of Essex and Mary, Queen of Scots.

77. Of course, even the German bar maids must have their fun, especially during Ocktoberfest.

Seems a little scanty for a a Renaissance Festival isn't it. Then again, it's a little too modest for Victoria's Secret either.

Seems a little scanty for a a Renaissance Festival isn’t it. Then again, it’s a little too modest for Victoria’s Secret either.

78. Seems like Shrek and Fiona are having a laugh with the crazy witch lady.

Of course, I'd rather not know what the witch did with Shrek and Fiona afterwards. Still, you get to see characters like this all the time at the Renaissance Festival.

Of course, I’d rather not know what the witch did with Shrek and Fiona afterwards. Still, you get to see characters like this all the time at the Renaissance Festival.

79. Now this young woman doesn’t mind being a peasant at the very least.

Still, unlike a real 16th century peasant, her clothes are clean and don't smell of urine. Rather they smell of tide or dry cleaner.

Still, unlike a real 16th century peasant, her clothes are clean and don’t smell of urine. Rather they smell of tide or dry cleaner.

80. In a dress like this, this little girl has all the makings of a lady at court.

Now I'm sure this dress didn't come cheap in the very least. But I'm sure this girl thinks that she's a perfect little princess in it. Or queen.

Now I’m sure this dress didn’t come cheap in the very least. But I’m sure this girl thinks that she’s a perfect little princess in it. Or queen.

A Treasury of Vintage Food Ads in the Days of Yesteryear

b6b0f1c32bbb6deccb3d58caec468ad6

Of course, we tend to see food being advertised these days all the time since we can’t really live without it. Nevertheless, you tend to see a lot of food ads during the football season, most of them usually pertain to stuff that’s not very good for you. I mean a lot of the food you see in such ads pertains to snacks, fast food, ready made stuff, candy, and other products guaranteed to give you a heart attack at 55. But unlike many football season beer commercials, a lot of these food ads are terrible and tend to be repeated a lot, especially ads from fast food restaurants. Nevertheless, food advertising made up a significant ad share in previous generations as well.  And in all types of mediums, too, like in magazines, TV, radio, and newspapers. Or in other words, everywhere but the internet. Yet, as of now, you tend to see plenty of food ads containing recipes as well. Now I can talk about the great vintage food ads all I want. But chances are you wouldn’t find it the least entertaining. So instead, I’ll feature food ads which might make you scratch your head. These will feature dishes that appear as if they came a pot fueled chef in Greenwich Village, negative stereotyping, suggestive language, and creepy children. Also, ads featuring condiments, ingredients, toppings, and non-alcoholic drinks count as food, too. Of course, I’d advise all of you to not read this post while you’re eating or drinking. I don’t want any unintentional responsibility of making someone regurgitate their own lunch. So without further adieu, here are some vintage food ads that might make you a little queasy for your reading pleasure. Some of these might not be safe for work.

  1. Skinless Frankfurters and Wieners: “Are sure to be tender because they have no skins!”
I know that it's supposed to refer to hotdogs. But it sounds like something you'd hear in Anthony Weiner's Tinder profile. They even have a poem reading

I know that it’s supposed to refer to hotdogs. But it sounds like something you’d hear in Anthony Weiner’s Tinder profile. They even have a poem reading “How the Frankfurter Lost It’s Skin.” Yeah, real nice.

2. Velveeta: “Extra good for young kids and young mothers, too! Is full of health from milk!”

You know, the stuff your dad uses to make a cheesy salsa dip? Yeah, that cheesy stuff. Said to be real cheese, well, sort of. Of course, I'm not sure I'd go that far to call it a health food though.

You know, the stuff your dad uses to make a cheesy salsa dip? Yeah, that cheesy stuff. Said to be real cheese, well, sort of. Of course, I’m not sure I’d go that far to call it a health food though.

3. “When I’m eating Jell-O, I wish I were a zebra …because then I could paint my stripes and remind everyone of those six delicious flavors.”

Uh, I don't think zebras work that way. You see, zebras can't change their own stripes. Besides, I wonder if Jell-O's ad staff at the time was so high on acid to come up with stuff like this.

Uh, I don’t think zebras work that way. You see, zebras can’t change their own stripes. Besides, I wonder if Jell-O’s ad staff at the time was so high on acid to come up with stuff like this.

4. Grace your baked beans with some bangers and balls from the H. J. Heinz Company.

Now these consist of

Now these consist of “Beanz with Balls,” “Red Hot Balls,” and “Big Saucy” Bangers” (which is sausage). No, those aren’t porn titles. Those are exactly what’s said on the tin. Yeah, Heinz really needs consultation on product names. Then again, maybe such suggestive names make good advertising.

5. Try Sun-Kissed Grapefruit, the kind of fruit that really conceals your melons.

I get the impression that she's not wearing anything under her shirt. Let's just say the juice and the fruit are conveniently placed near her naughty bits. Sort of gives the notion of

I get the impression that she’s not wearing anything under her shirt. Let’s just say the juice and the fruit are conveniently placed near her naughty bits. Sort of gives the notion of “food porn” a whole new meaning.

6. Remember that bread is life. Hmm…wonder what can go wrong with that?

And I'm sure a loaf of bread has to rise before it's eaten. But I'm not sure it has to be erect or even long and hard. Still, I wonder if the photographer arranged it as a joke or it was intended as an ad for Playboy. Either would be understandable. Still, it's a wonder that Bice didn't get sued over this because I'm pretty sure it gives the notion of

And I’m sure a loaf of bread has to rise before it’s eaten. But I’m not sure it has to be erect or even long and hard. Still, I wonder if the photographer arranged it as a joke or it was intended as an ad for Playboy. Either would be understandable. Still, it’s a wonder that Bice didn’t get sued over this because I’m pretty sure it gives the notion of “food porn” another whole new meaning.

7. Remember, kids, that a secret to a healthy and successful relationship is lard.

In case you don't know, lard is pig fat that's used for shortening or butter. Has no trans fats but it's pretty disgusting. Also, it's not used a lot now in the US because it's not kosher or halal. But it's becoming popular in Britain.

In case you don’t know, lard is pig fat that’s used for shortening or butter. Has no trans fats but it’s pretty disgusting. Also, it’s not used a lot now in the US because it’s not kosher or halal. But it’s becoming popular in Britain.

8. Rice: The food that will improve your sex life.

Looking at this ad, at first, I'd get the impression this was for cosmetics or soap. Not rice. As to why anyone thought this was a good way to sell rice, I have no idea. I mean if you're going to sell rice, at least show a picture of rice. Not something like this.

Looking at this ad, at first, I’d get the impression this was for cosmetics or soap. Not rice. As to why anyone thought this was a good way to sell rice, I have no idea. I mean if you’re going to sell rice, at least show a picture of rice. Not something like this.

9. Buy Egg-O-See, the food with the flavor!

I don't know what Egg-O-See is. But looking at that terrifying girl, I think it might be some sort of arsenic laced cereal designed to kill me. Seriously, to look at her is to see the face of impending death.

I don’t know what Egg-O-See is. But looking at that terrifying girl, I think it might be some sort of arsenic laced cereal designed to kill me. Seriously, to look at her is to see the face of impending and horrifying death.

10. Trying to lose weight as a busy mom? Then why don’t you try sugar?

Yeah, sugar. The kind of weight loss chemical that will help you lose weight by giving you Type II Diabetes. Of course, it has a strong tendency to make your kids hyper, overweight, and prone to all sorts of health problems. Yeah, I wonder how much this ad is to blame for the obesity crisis.

Yeah, sugar. The kind of weight loss chemical that will help you lose weight by giving you Type II Diabetes. Of course, it has a strong tendency to make your kids hyper, overweight, and prone to all sorts of health problems. Yeah, I wonder how much this ad is to blame for the obesity crisis.

11. 7 UP, the family soft drink you’re never too young to start.

I don't starting kids on 7 UP while they're still in diapers is a good idea. Might give them an early start in developing Type II Diabetes and childhood obesity. Yeah, I'm sure that makes you an exemplar on parenting (sarcasm).

I don’t starting kids on 7 UP while they’re still in diapers is a good idea. Might give them an early start in developing Type II Diabetes and childhood obesity. Yeah, I’m sure that makes you an exemplar on parenting (sarcasm).

12. Even Dennis the Menace loves his Kellogg’s Rice Krispie Treats.

Okay, it seems that Dennis the Menace is actually way creepier in person. Yes, his mouth's open. But I'm not sure if he's hungry for Rice Krispie Treats. We better hope so.

Okay, it seems that Dennis the Menace is actually way creepier in person. Yes, his mouth’s open. But I’m not sure if he’s hungry for Rice Krispie Treats. We better hope so.

13. The perfect woman is the one who will make her man a sandwich with Wonder Bread.

Now despite the sexual connotations, there's really nothing wrong with this ad picture. However, saying that using Wonder Bread will help women get men as well as labeling that woman

Now despite the sexual connotations, there’s really nothing wrong with this ad picture. However, saying that using Wonder Bread will help women get men as well as labeling that woman “date bait” is. Guys should make their own sandwiches, not have women make ones for them. Well, unless they’re either her customers or in grade school.

14. “Open up an Oreo creme sandwich, and take a lick!”

Now I don't know about you. But this girl scares the living hell out of me with her big terrifying blue eyes and her forked tongue sticking out. Let's just say I think she has more than Oreo Cookies on her mind. But I'm not sure if I'd be too freaked out to ask.

Now I don’t know about you. But this girl scares the living hell out of me with her big terrifying blue eyes and her forked tongue sticking out. Let’s just say I think she has more than Oreo Cookies on her mind. But I’m not sure if I’d be too freaked out to ask.

15. Make beautiful pastries with Bakeo.

You know that if you want to sell food, you got to make it look tasty. These treats make me want to lose my appetite. Looks more like a mix between baking ingredients and building material.

You know that if you want to sell food, you got to make it look tasty. These treats make me want to lose my appetite. Looks more like a mix between baking ingredients and building material.

16. Remember that Sugar Frosted Flakes are Grrrrrreat!

Unfortunately, you can't say the same for Tony the Tiger who looks as if he's about to do something bad to that kid. Yeah, the boy better look behind him and run. Still, I'm not a big fan of celebrity makeovers, but I think the people at Post made the right decision to give Tony the Tiger one. Just sayin.'

Unfortunately, you can’t say the same for Tony the Tiger who looks as if he’s about to do something bad to that kid. Yeah, the boy better look behind him and run. Still, I’m not a big fan of celebrity makeovers, but I think the people at Kelloggs made the right decision to give Tony the Tiger one. Just sayin.’

17. Make your own Cheeseburger Loaf with Carnation Evaporated Milk.

Of course, this might be the dish for you if you like cheesburgers and are on the Atkins diet. Still, cheeseburgers are one thing. However, cheeseburger meatloaf like combining two things that should never be together. Yeah, it's pretty disgusting.

Of course, this might be the dish for you if you like cheesburgers and are on the Atkins diet. Still, cheeseburgers are one thing. However, cheeseburger meatloaf like combining two things that should never be together. Yeah, it’s pretty disgusting.

18. Karo syrup is always great for pancakes and sticky buns.

Of course, take note that this terrifying Karo Kid is at the stove cooking as well as planning to murder his parents. Yeah, I wouldn't touch those sticky buns or pancakes if I were you. They might be laced with cyanide or some other poison.

Of course, take note that this terrifying Karo Kid is at the stove cooking as well as planning to murder his parents. Yeah, I wouldn’t touch those sticky buns or pancakes if I were you. They might be laced with cyanide or some other poison.

19. Nothing tastes better than Old Dick candy bar.

Hate to say this, but

Hate to say this, but “Old Dick” is perhaps one of the worst candy bar names ever. Also, when I come across “Tastes like Old Dick,” I really don’t want anything of it. Yeah, this ad is really not appropriate for children and kind of homoerotic but not in a good way.

20. You can cook all kinds of things with Karo and there’s no trick to make them.

I don't know what he has in his hand or what he's going to do with it. But I have a feeling he's not going to use it to cook anything. Chances are, he's going to kill someone with it from the look in his eyes. Boy, this kid is pure evil without a doubt.

I don’t know what he has in his hand or what he’s going to do with it. But I have a feeling he’s not going to use it to cook anything. Chances are, he’s going to kill someone with it from the look in his eyes. Boy, this kid is pure evil without a doubt.

21. Remember, kids, drink a full glass of Florida Orange Juice every day.

From Wait But Why:

From Wait But Why: “This kid looks rowdy as fuck. Good thing he took a break from egging the neighbors’ houses to climax over a glass of orange juice.” Of course, I’m sure he’s going to poison some pigeons, skin a cat, and smash some mailboxes before the day is done. Yeah, a real swell kid.

22. Campbell’s Vegetable Soup: the canned soup for hungry and horny husbands everywhere.

Wonder what she's reaching for with her other hand. Is her husband anxious for his dinner or some intimate moments away from the kids? Either way, eating Campbell's soup might but them at risk for heart disease due to its high sodium content. Because as they say at Campbell's,

Wonder what she’s reaching for with her other hand. Is her husband anxious for his dinner or a handjob? Either way, eating Campbell’s soup might but them at risk for heart disease due to its high sodium content. Because as they say at Campbell’s, “Mmmmm….salt.”

23. “Wish I had a million Oreos!”

Now I don't want to endanger children's health and well being by giving them treats. But I'll just make this terrifying tot an exception because I don't want him to lose his appetite for Oreos and develop a taste for human flesh. Still, doesn't stop his face from giving me nightmares.

Now I don’t want to endanger children’s health and well being by giving them treats. But I’ll just make this terrifying tot an exception because I don’t want him to lose his appetite for Oreos and develop a taste for human flesh. Wouldn’t hurt if he got Type II Diabetes in the process. Still, doesn’t stop his face from giving me nightmares.

24. For chocolate milk, drink O’Baby.

More like O'Tar Baby to me with the virulently racist caricature drinking it. If you're American, you should be very aware about why it's not okay to draw black people this way.

More like O’Tar Baby to me with the virulently racist caricature drinking it. If you’re American, you should be very aware about why it’s not okay to draw black people this way.

25. While married men have wives who can cook for them at home, single men can eat at Hardee’s.

Basically, Hardee's is saying to single guys,

Basically, Hardee’s is saying to single guys, “If you ain’t married, then you’re probably not going to eat anything but fast food.” As if they’re saying that single men can’t cook for themselves or have moved out of their parents’ homes already. Let’s just say if you like fast food and blatant sexism against both genders, then Hardee’s is the place for you.

26. “This Chiffon cake only requires 4 eggs!”

Now this is the kind of dessert that will go quite well with a dish of green eggs and ham. Because it looks as if it's been left in somebody's refrigerator for about 3-6 months. Seriously, that must be one of the most disgusting cakes I've ever seen. And the green icing doesn't help at all.

Now this is the kind of dessert that will go quite well with a dish of green eggs and ham. Because it looks as if it’s been left in somebody’s refrigerator for about 3-6 months. Seriously, that must be one of the most disgusting cakes I’ve ever seen. And the green icing doesn’t help at all.

27. Nestle’s Coca: the coca for moms and their mutant alien children.

Let me guess. His father was small, green, and had more than just four appendages. And he doesn't take well to oxygen. Right now, he's probably on some business trip to a planet in some other galaxy. Yeah, it's a pretty crazy arrangement but at least his parents try to make it work.

Let me guess. His father was small, green, and had more than just four appendages. And he doesn’t take well to oxygen. Right now, he’s probably on some business trip to a planet in some other galaxy. Yeah, it’s a pretty crazy arrangement but at least his parents try to make it work.

28. Get the original double decker hamburger Big Boy at Bob’s Big Boy Restaurant.

Seems like the Big Boy might need to stop eating those burgers and start going to the gym or change his diet. Might be at risk of developing Type II Diabetes, heart disease, and other health problems. Yes, obesity is a real bitch.

Seems like the Big Boy might need to stop eating those burgers and start going to the gym or change his diet. Might be at risk of developing Type II Diabetes, heart disease, and other health problems. Yes, obesity is a real bitch.

29. Maxwell House Coffee: The coffee drink for blackface minstrel shows and show boat performers.

Of course, this might be a reason why black people didn't drink Maxwell House coffee during the Civil Rights Movement. To put a short story short, blackface is racist and offensive for obvious reasons, especially in minstrel shows. Seriously, Maxwell, what the fucking hell?

Of course, this might be a reason why black people didn’t drink Maxwell House coffee during the Civil Rights Movement. To put a short story short, blackface is racist and offensive for obvious reasons, especially in minstrel shows. Seriously, Maxwell, what the fucking hell?

30. Red Magic says that Heinz Tomato Ketchup makes everything taste better.

I don't know about you, but what's with this scary monocled tomato head guy with a top hat? Because he is simply creepy and evil looking as hell. I guess the marketing department at Heinz was literally tripping balls when they came up this this guy.

I don’t know about you, but what’s with this scary monocled tomato head guy with a top hat? Because he is simply creepy and evil looking as hell. I guess the marketing department at Heinz was literally tripping balls when they came up this this guy.

31. Remember, kids, back in the day, there was no party like a prune party.

And I'm sure this prune party would go well for their bowel movements. Not to mention, they'll probably have another one when they're all living at the same retirement home. Of course, what baffles me about this one is why did they use kids to sell prunes? They're for senior citizens for God's sake.

And I’m sure this prune party would go well for their bowel movements that they’ll poop their pants before it’s over. Not to mention, they’ll probably have another one when they’re all living at the same retirement home. Of course, what baffles me about this one is why did they use kids to sell prunes? They’re for senior citizens for God’s sake.

32. Velveeta cheese really goes on smooth like this woman.

I know that sex sells. But still, why the hell would Kraft use a naked woman to sell Velveeta? Then again, this ad probably came out during football season and catered to men.

I know that sex sells. But still, why the hell would Kraft use a naked woman to sell Velveeta? Then again, this ad probably came out during football season and catered to men reading Playboy.

33. Kellogg’s Soya is crisp, sweet, and a twin treat.

And it seems that these twin boys would be absolutely perfect for those two creepy twin girls from The Shining. However, I'm not sure which set is more terrifying. Then again, after breakfast, these two boys plan to dig up a grave to hide their next door neighbor's body. How sweet.

And it seems that these twin boys would be absolutely perfect for those two creepy twin girls from The Shining. However, I’m not sure which set is more terrifying. Then again, after breakfast, these two boys plan to dig up a grave to hide their next door neighbor’s body. How sweet.

34. Hostess Sno-Balls: America’s No.1 Glamour Gal!

Well, I'm sure any guy would go for a sexy woman with a pastry head. Nevertheless, despite the freakiness here, Sno-Balls aren't even the best known Hostess product out there. I'm sure Twinkies, Ho-Hos, and Hostess Cupcakes get way more attention. Sno-Balls barely get any.

Well, I’m sure any guy would go for a sexy woman with a pastry head. Nevertheless, despite the freakiness here, Sno-Balls aren’t even the best known Hostess product out there. I’m sure Twinkies, Ho-Hos, and Hostess Cupcakes get way more attention. Sno-Balls barely get any.

35. Smith’s Bacon: Bringing families together for breakfast in the creepiest ways possible.

I really don't like how Grandpa is behaving toward Susie right now. Sure he misses Grandma dearly since she died from cancer last year and Susie kind of looks like her. And we all know he's been battling dementia. But still, his conduct toward Susie is disturbing just the same.

I really don’t like how Grandpa is behaving toward Susie right now. Sure he misses Grandma dearly since she died from cancer last year and Susie kind of looks like her. And we all know he’s been battling dementia. But still, his conduct toward Susie is disturbing just the same.

36. Kitchen Craft Flour always makes everything taste better at home.

For the love of God, get this blueberry pie eating moppet away from me! She's utterly freaky and is probably the lovechild of either Tweedledee or Tweedledum. I'm not sure which for they're hard to tell apart.

For the love of God, get this blueberry pie eating moppet away from me! She’s utterly freaky and is probably the lovechild of either Tweedledee or Tweedledum. I’m not sure which for they’re hard to tell apart.

37. Shredded Wheat: a housewife’s “Declaration of Independence.”

By

By “independence” she means, “breakfast she can make without the servants” as it says on this ad. Of course, she still can’t vote since this ad came out before 1920.

38. Kellogg’s Cornflakes is the sweetheart of the corn.

So I guess that this was how we got Children of the Corn or Concordia College's Kernel Cob. Yeah, I really don't want to see some hot corn on woman action going on here. Yes, she really loves corn but in a very disturbing way. Don't ask.

So I guess that this was how we got Children of the Corn or Concordia College’s Kernel Cob. Yeah, I really don’t want to see some hot corn on woman action going on here. Yes, she really loves corn but in a very disturbing way. Don’t ask.

39. Champions always start young with Wheaties!

And it seems like this little champion might develop some anger issues as well as hit his daddy with a baseball. Man, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be around that kid. Particularly if there's a chance that he'll be on his way to becoming the next Jon McEnroe.

And it seems like this little champion might develop some anger issues as well as hit his daddy with a baseball. Man, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be around that kid. Particularly if there’s a chance that he’ll be on his way to becoming the next Jon McEnroe.

40. You will learn to love Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes even if this woman has make you by beating the living shit out of you.

In case you're wondering, these people are servants at some house. She's a cook and he's a clerk. And she's beating the shit out of him because he brought her the wrong cereal, which she thinks is serious business. Still, why Kellogg's thought why depicting workplace violence in their ad was a good idea is beyond me.

In case you’re wondering, these people are servants at some house. She’s a cook and he’s a clerk. And she’s beating the shit out of him because he brought her the wrong cereal, which she thinks is serious business. Still, why Kellogg’s thought why depicting workplace violence in their ad was a good idea is beyond me.

41. Betty Crocker cake mix helps husbands beat wives.

Oh, my God, Betty Crocker, how could you advocate domestic violence against women? Out of all people, you should be the last person to say such a thing! Then again, Betty Crocker might just be talking about how her cake mixes help give men an edge against their wives in cake bake. But she probably had a very poor choice in words and emphasis.

Oh, my God, Betty Crocker, how could you advocate domestic violence against women? Out of all people, you should be the last person to say such a thing! Then again, Betty Crocker might just be talking about how her cake mixes help give men an edge against their wives in cake bake. But she probably had a very poor choice in words and emphasis.

42. Even freckly blond kids love their Fig Newtons.

Of course, either this kid really loves fig newtons or he's planning to use them for his evil plan. Yes, to him, murder is the sweetest thing in the world. I wouldn't want to touch these things after he's done with them.

Of course, either this kid really loves fig newtons or he’s planning to use them for his evil plan. Yes, to him, murder is the sweetest thing in the world. I wouldn’t want to touch these things after he’s done with them.

43. Campbell’s Tomato Soup makes meat-za pizza as easy as 1-2-3!

Seriously, Campbells? And I thought certain chain restaurants were bad with some of their entrees. I'd call this pizza

Seriously, Campbells? And I thought certain chain restaurants were bad with some of their entrees. I’d call this pizza “The Heart Attack Special.” I mean its crust and pie are made from ground beef with cheese, mushrooms, and Campbell’s tomato soup. And we all know that Campbell’s contains Mmmmmm….salt.

44. Atora Beef Suet makes great steak pudding cups.

From Oddee:

From Oddee: “When we first saw this ad, we read “Atora” as “aorta” and thought these looked like cross sections of an artery. In reality, they are beef suet tarts or beef fat pastries, which sound just as appetizing.” Yeah, couldn’t say it better myself. Wouldn’t want to eat one of these on my plate.

45. Concerned about your family’s health? Give them a V8.

I don't know about you. But looking at this kid's expression, I think I'll take a pass on this one. Seriously, I think this mother is using V8 for something more sinister. For God's sake, look at her face! She looks freaking insane!

I don’t know about you. But looking at this kid’s expression, I think I’ll take a pass on this one. Seriously, I think this mother is using V8 for something more sinister. For God’s sake, look at her face! She looks freaking insane!

46. Baby Ruth: It’s what all the girls in the go for.

Since he started giving out Baby Ruth bars, Bobby always had the girls flock over to him ever since. Now he's become the biggest player on campus. But I really don't want to tell you what the girls give him in return.

Since he started giving out Baby Ruth bars, Bobby always had the girls flock over to him ever since. Now he’s become the biggest player on campus. But I really don’t want to tell you what the girls give him in return.

47. Beech-Nut Peanut Butter always puts flavor first.

Seems like this girl is saying,

Seems like this girl is saying, “Once this peanut butter’s mine, then I’ll control the whole world! At last, vengeance will be mine! Mwha ha ha ha ha ha!”

48. May I present to you a meaty new idea called Ribs in a Can.

Now we know where McDonald's gets the molded meat for the McRib. However, these actually look more like the genuine article than what McDonald's has. Well, whenever they have the McRib.

Now we know where McDonald’s gets the molded meat for the McRib. However, these actually look more like the genuine article than what McDonald’s has. Well, whenever they have the McRib.

49. Dairy Queen presents its new mascot– Mr. Astro Chimp.

Wait a minute, Dairy Queen had a mascot? Of course, I can see why Mr. Astro Chimp didn't last long. Probably got fired for terrifying the kids and adults.

Wait a minute, Dairy Queen had a mascot? Of course, I can see why Mr. Astro Chimp didn’t last long. Probably got fired for terrifying the kids and adults. Yeah, he’s just so damn creepy.

50. Stokley’s Tomato Ketchup brings in the joy of good eating. It’s like eating a real juicy tomato that is.

Of course, to him, eating a tomato is like munching on somebody's internal organs. Yes, squishy and juicy internal organs. Man, this is one creepy kid. Hope he's not planning to eat that tomato with somebody's heart.

Of course, to him, eating a tomato is like munching on somebody’s internal organs. Yes, squishy and juicy internal organs. Man, this is one creepy kid. Hope he’s not planning to eat that tomato with somebody’s heart.

51. “Sssh, remember that Kellogg’s Rice Krispies is so crispy, it crackles in cream.”

Of course, she hopes the cereal crackles enough that she can whack the neighbor with a shovel and hide his body in the bushes. Yes, this seemingly sweet little girl is pure evil.

Of course, she hopes the cereal crackles enough that she can whack the neighbor with a shovel and hide his body in the bushes. Yes, this seemingly sweet little girl is pure evil.

52. With Campbell’s Soup you can make your own soup shakes with milk and cinnamon.

Okay, I don't know about you. But I find the idea of Campbell's Soup shakes completely disgusting. Seriously, who the hell puts a can of Campbell's Soup with milk and cinnamon? That's just so fucked up, man. Seriously, why?

Okay, I don’t know about you. But I find the idea of Campbell’s Soup shakes completely disgusting. Seriously, who the hell puts a can of Campbell’s Soup with milk and cinnamon? That’s just so fucked up, man. Seriously, why?

53. Make some Dude Ranch Beans with Ann Page.

Well, at least it has more pork than what you'd see in pork and beans. Of course, the sausage is on a stick. Still, must have a lot of salt to give some dude at a ranch a heart attack.

Well, at least it has more pork than what you’d see in pork and beans. Of course, the sausage is on a stick. Still, must have a lot of salt to give some dude at a ranch a heart attack.

54. Make Ruby Chicken with Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce.

Okay, now just because chicken and cranberries may be good next each other, doesn't mean they should be mixed together in the stew. Sorry, Ocean Spray, but your Ruby Chicken is disgusting. Also, are those white things ping pong balls?

Okay, now just because chicken and cranberries may be good next each other, doesn’t mean they should be mixed together in the stew. Sorry, Ocean Spray, but your Ruby Chicken is disgusting. Also, are those white things ping pong balls?

55. Bask in the joy of good eating with Stokley’s Tenderoni.

Of course, let's just say it's either this or a stew of somebody's intestines. Seriously, he may look happy but he has absolutely no soul and evil in his heart. And after he's finished, he might have murder on the mind.

Of course, let’s just say it’s either this or a stew of somebody’s intestines. Seriously, he may look happy but he has absolutely no soul and evil in his heart. And after he’s finished, he might have murder on the mind.

56. Bisquick: So simple a husband can do it!

Yeah, a guy needs Bisquick to make his own biscuits. Of course, why these people think men can't cook for themselves, I have no idea. I'm sure some husbands could cook at the time. Not all men have to be helpless in the kitchen.

Yeah, a guy needs Bisquick to make his own biscuits. Of course, why these people think men can’t cook for themselves, I have no idea. I’m sure some husbands could cook at the time. Not all men have to be helpless in the kitchen.

57. Juicy Bite Apples: the ideal fruit for emaciated children.

Yes, that kid really likes his apple since it's probably the first thing he's eaten in a week. Of course, if he's hungry any longer, he could go homicidal and turn to cannibalism.

Yes, that kid really likes his apple since it’s probably the first thing he’s eaten in a week. Of course, if he’s hungry any longer, he could go homicidal and turn to cannibalism.

58. When you’re expecting company, there’s nothing better than Supper Supper Salad Loaf with Hellman’s Mayonaise.

Actually, if I saw this being served at somebody else's place, I'd probably lose my appetite. If not, then possibly barf. Now that's one of the most disgusting loaves I've ever seen.

Actually, if I saw this being served at somebody else’s place, I’d probably lose my appetite. If not, then possibly barf. Now that’s one of the most disgusting loaves I’ve ever seen.

59. Spry Ground Beef is so tasty and tender that you’ll enjoy it as much as steak.

Is it just me, or does this Spry Ground Beef seem a little charred to you? On second thought, I'd rather take the steak. Might be a bit expensive, but at least I won't eat ashes. Well, when it's cooked medium rare, anyway.

Is it just me, or does this Spry Ground Beef seem a little charred to you? On second thought, I’d rather take the steak. Might be a bit expensive, but at least I won’t eat ashes. Well, when it’s cooked medium rare, anyway.

60. Children just simply love Fry’s Pure Concentrated Coca. They just don’t show it.

Actually I think this little girl is planning something. Perhaps she might have murder on the mind like killing her nanny for no good reason. Yes, she's a little psychopath. Just look at her adorable but terrifying soulless eyes.

Actually I think this little girl is planning something. Perhaps she might have murder on the mind like killing her nanny for no good reason. Yes, she’s a little psychopath. Just look at her adorable but terrifying soulless eyes.

61. H.P. Sauce is good with bacon.

Maybe it is. However, H.P. Sauce won't do you any good with bacon if that bacon is chasing you. Yeah, that is one of the scariest and evil pigs I've ever seen in my life.

Maybe it is. However, H.P. Sauce won’t do you any good with bacon if that bacon is chasing you. Yeah, that is one of the scariest and evil pigs I’ve ever seen in my life.

62. Beverly Peanut Butter gives extra health in every bite.

Hate to say this but once this boy is done with his peanut butter sandwich, I'm sure he's going to go forward with his plans on killing the neighbor who stole his bike. Yes, that kid will indeed pay. Let's just say this blond peanut butter sandwich munching child is bound to keep anyone up at night.

Hate to say this but once this boy is done with his peanut butter sandwich, I’m sure he’s going to go forward with his plans on killing the neighbor who stole his bike. Yes, that kid will indeed pay. Let’s just say this blond peanut butter sandwich munching child is bound to keep anyone up at night.

63. Skinless wieners and frankfurters are always straight and separate, never curved or linked.

Of course, this boy's eating two skinless wieners because they have no skins. Meanwhile on the right is a delectable hotdog and bacon dish bound to increase your risk for a coronary.

Of course, this boy’s eating two skinless wieners because they have no skins. Meanwhile on the right is a delectable hotdog and bacon dish bound to increase your risk for a coronary.

64. American kids shouldn’t suffer from lack of butter!

Now I had no idea that they were allowed to show naked kid butts in the 1950s. Of course, that kid has a creepy look on his face for some reason. Perhaps he has murder on the mind.

Now I had no idea that they were allowed to show naked kid butts in the 1950s. Of course, that kid has a creepy look on his face for some reason. Perhaps he has murder on the mind.

65. Remember, that there are 2 delicious ways to keep trim.

Yeah, and they seem to involve processed meats that contain lots of salt. Of course, the only way these ideas will keep you trim is giving you a fatal heart attack at an early age. Seriously, processed meats aren't really good for you.

Yeah, and they seem to involve processed meats that contain lots of salt. Of course, the only way these ideas will keep you trim is giving you a fatal heart attack at an early age. Seriously, processed meats aren’t really good for you.

66. Remember, kids, donuts contain nutritious vitamins.

Of course, if that was true, then we'd be encouraged to eat them more often. However, it's not but people still eat them anyway. Not because they should since they're kind of fattening to say the least. Still, the kids in this ad seem terrifying for some reason.

Of course, if that was true, then we’d be encouraged to eat them more often. However, it’s not but people still eat them anyway. Not because they should since they’re kind of fattening to say the least. Still, the kids in this ad seem terrifying for some reason. Maybe they’d use donuts to fatten up someone for a human sacrifice.

67. Make your own tuna fish from a mold with A1.

Now that is one of the least appetizing seafood dishes I have ever seen in my life. I mean the fish doesn't even look real for God's sake. Besides, isn't A1 supposed to be used as steak sauce? Yeah, this dish is gross.

Now that is one of the least appetizing seafood dishes I have ever seen in my life. I mean the fish doesn’t even look real for God’s sake. Besides, isn’t A1 supposed to be used as steak sauce? Yeah, this dish is gross.

68. Remember, children love Kellogg’s Cornflakes.

And I suspect that this girl is planning to kill her mother for serving bad cereal once she turns her back. Yeah, she may seem sweet and innocent, but her eyes reveal she has a vicious streak about a mile wide.

And I suspect that this girl is planning to kill her mother for serving bad cereal once she turns her back. Yeah, she may seem sweet and innocent, but her eyes reveal she has a vicious streak about a mile wide.

69. Here’s health to Campbell’s Tomato Juice!

But smiles, well, not so much? Well, at least since Prohibition put an end to these women's Margarita parties, no less. Still, I'm sure Campbell's salt content in their products will make up for that. Because Campbell's is Mmmmmm......salt!

But smiles, well, not so much? Well, at least since Prohibition put an end to these women’s Margarita parties, no less. Still, I’m sure Campbell’s salt content in their products will make up for that. Because Campbell’s is Mmmmmm……salt!

70. These girls scream for Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes.

Don't be fooled. You might think they're screaming for Kellogg's Toasted Cornflakes. But what they're really screaming for is your immortal soul. Yes, they want your delicious immortal soul. They'll also settle for your body, too.

Don’t be fooled. You might think they’re screaming for Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes. But what they’re really screaming for is your immortal soul. Yes, they want your delicious immortal soul. They’ll also settle for your body, too.

How to Be a Good Cop (on TV)

filepicker-d6E3oRLykiuxA4XSA9K0_the_wire_wallpaper_1024x768_1

Crime shows are an ongoing staple of television since its early days and cops are often featured as the heroes solving murders, taking part of car chases, and keeping the city safe from the criminal element. Almost every network channel has one. Yes, cop shows are fun as well as filled with all kinds of action and drama keeping viewers at the edge of their seats. Of course, we all want to see the one cop helping to bring the criminals to justice every week if we could. However, like a lot of things in the media, cop aren’t the best sources of information pertaining to police procedural. In fact, there are a lot of things cops do on TV that a real life policeman wouldn’t get away with. And in light of many police shootings on unarmed victims in the United States (many of them black), we have to be aware that real cops are flawed people and certain rules exist for a reason. Besides, just because certain police actions may look cool in cop shows, doesn’t mean they should be applied in real life situations. Still, many cop shows tend to follow certain formulas that you’d recognize which is why I’m listing all the stuff cops do on TV which they wouldn’t get away with in the real world. So in the name of the law enjoy this post or else. By the way, this counts for movies and other media featuring fiction as well.

  1. Make sure you’re paired with a colleague who’s the complete opposite of your personality. (Opposites may attract and be good for drama and comedy. But this doesn’t mean that they’re compatible or will grow into a beautiful friendship. Such relationships don’t always work out like Bert and Ernie. But in many buddy cop movies and cop shows, you see such pairings all the time.)
  2. Have a shitty personal life which can involve alcoholism, philandering, smoking, divorce, estrangement, absenteeism, drug use, personal tragedy, messy finances, mental illness, personal trauma, and other not so rosy stuff like that. (As in any profession, there are a lot of cops who have shitty personal lives and bad habits. And there are some who aren’t nice people. However, almost every cop show has at least one policemen with a terrible personal life. Sometimes this might pertain to much of the cast like in Homicide: Life on the Street or The Wire. Nevertheless, a terrible personal life doesn’t always make a great cop.)
  3. Remember that everyone above your immediate supervisor is virtually incompetent and/or self-serving jerks that are corrupt as hell. (You see this on a lot of cop shows particularly on Homicide: Life on the Street and The Wire. Anyone ranking above the reasonable and kindly Lts. Al Giardello or Cedric Daniels {with the exception of Major Bunny Coleman} is either someone who’s reached their level of incompetence, a corrupt self-serving jerk, or both. Sometimes even the immediate supervisor isn’t safe either like in Foyle’s War or Pie in the Sky. I’m sure the tendency for this is exaggerated.)
  4. Detectives are real police while uniform officers are corrupt and/or incompetent stooges, redshirts, backup, muscle, or decorations. (Of course, it should be obvious that most cop shows usually focus on detectives since it’s their job to solve crimes. Uniform officer duties aren’t usually highlighted except when it comes to needing security backup or muscle. Also, they’re more likely to be bad or be killed.)
  5. Good cops are usually ineligible for promotion since they refuse to play politics, clash with superiors and coworkers, and/or don’t seem to have some affinity for workplace culture. (Most good TV cops usually don’t make it higher than Lieutenant {there are exceptions, however}. Still, you find that a lot of TV cops tend to have issues with authority and workplace culture as well as don’t let politics get in the way of their job. This might be true to some extent in real life, but probably not at that frequency.)
  6. Remember sometimes rules can be a hindrance than a help in a lot of situations. So it’s okay not to follow them when there’s a dangerous killer on the loose. (We have rules for a reason. Besides, while cops might want to keep people safe, we know all to well of many disobeying the rules as well as leading to incidents that have killed innocent people.)
  7. Got anger issues? No problem. (Police with bad tempers and anger issues don’t make effective law enforcement officers, for obvious reasons. Anger makes people destructively impulsive which is the last thing you want in a police officer. It’s one thing if a cop loses it once in a while since their job can be quite stressful. But a cop with rather destructive and chronic anger issues is perhaps one of your worst nightmares as well as results in complaints and no win situations. Better go with Jimmy McNulty than Dirty Harry. Then again, better stick with Lester Freamon who’s about as cool as they come since McNulty can be rather impulsive, too.)
  8. Using violence against suspected criminals is always justified and effective, no matter how excessive. (Now I understand that police may occasionally have to use force to prevent certain incidents that put people’s lives in danger. Sometimes this might mean fistfights, sometimes firearms. However, the fact cops tend to employ certain acts of violence when it comes to subduing suspects has led people to be blind to recent real life incidents pertaining to cops employing excessive force to unarmed blacks. Now some of them may have been criminals but that doesn’t mean you should shoot them, especially multiple times that it kills them. One shot is usually enough to subdue a suspect if it doesn’t kill them first {since gunshot wounds are always serious and need medical attention}. Tasering works, too. Shooting a suspect multiple times should only be reserved for the most dangerous criminals like Bonnie and Clyde, Baby Face Nelson, and others like them. Besides, even though criminals are bad people, they do have rights like anyone else. And there’s a reason why we have laws protecting them, particularly from physical violence like beating up suspects. You might know it as “police brutality.” So if a good cop should use force, they better have a very good reason for it.)
  9. Don’t worry about destroying property like expensive police cars. Sometimes carelessness is to be expected. (Actually destruction of police property carries costs paid by taxpayers who will complain about it. Besides, cops engaging in such acts could eventually be fired for incurring such destruction, especially when it comes to totaling expensive police cars. Collateral damage may be justified sometimes, but not if it involves destroying a house to arrest a couple of pot farmers.)
  10. Compromising your partner’s safety is to be expected. (Police work does carry an amount of personal risk and I’m sure cops can’t prevent their partners from getting shot some of the time. But when it comes to one cop’s partners always getting shot, well, let’s just say other police wouldn’t want to ride in their police car. At that point, the police officer has become a serious safety liability to their colleagues’ safety.)
  11. Breaking into people’s homes doesn’t always require a search warrant. (Actually it does most of the time like 99% of the time. Besides, you see this a lot in American cop shows despite the fact that it’s basically illegal under the Fourth Amendment in the Bill of Rights.)
  12. Stealing from a suspected criminal is a perfect way to catch them if you don’t have much evidence on their deeds but know they did it anyway. (Seriously, while criminals are defined as such for breaking the law, stealing is still stealing. I mean even if you’re a cop, you’d probably should know better than to steal stuff from a Wall Street executive if you want to put them in jail. Also, tampering with evidence should never be encouraged because such acts have either put innocent people in jail or left cases unsolved. Not to mention, such acts have left criminals go free for obvious reasons. Same goes when evidence is obtained through blackmail or bribery.)
  13. Don’t go after the wrongfully convicted guy who escapes from prison and is out to find the real murderer. Even if he commits a bunch of other crimes in the process, don’t go after him. (Actually if you’re a cop, you should since such a person is not only breaking the law, but also compromising other people’s safety.)
  14. Don’t go after vigilantes willing to put the law in their own hands when the system fails them. (Actually you should because vigilantes are criminals as well as a danger to others.’ Sure they may want justice, but it’s justice in their own minds. And “justice” to them might mean something completely different to the law of the land. They’re not people who are on neighborhood watch programs {who call the cops if something bad happens}. Cops exist for a reason and we need to respect that.)
  15. Sometimes insubordination can be perfectly justifiable. (Maybe in some cases when it pertains to detectives actually doing their jobs better than their superiors would like. Or their superiors could be corrupt as hell as well. But we have rules and bosses for a reason and sometimes one’s superiors can actually be right.)
  16. Sometimes vigilante style executions are necessary. (Now a cop might have a reason to kill someone if them or their partners are in serious danger {as well as civilians}. And yes, cops may make some mistakes as well in some situations. However, killing someone as a way of taking the law in their own hands, well, let’s just say even police aren’t exempt from that. You see a lot of this in action movies involving cops like Dirty Harry. However, whenever a cop takes any vigilante execution in real life, they could be fired, jailed, or subject to public scandal.)
  17. If you’re an attractive, heterosexual woman, keep in mind that you’ll be expected to go undercover as a stripper or prostitute. Well, anything that would require you to wear little or no clothing. (Yes, this does happen in real life. But it’s very controversial as well as legal and morally delicate. Not to mention, it has a very high chance of going spectacularly wrong and can easily turn into a case where a would-be arrestee sues either the city or state for entrapment or worse. Most real life prostitution stings usually involve the undercover female police officer doing just the absolute minimum to make it absolutely clear that the client is really buying sex. And once money changes hands, she just excuses herself while her colleagues {who’ve been monitoring the situation from a parked car} storm in and make the arrest. Thus, this stuff really isn’t as fun as you see on TV.)
  18. If you’re a woman, it pays that you’re either ridiculously attractive, young, or both. (Yes, there may be good looking and/or young female cops out there. But being a good cop doesn’t require a woman to be either. Besides, there are plenty of older and unattractive women who could be good cops as well. Still, you also see this among male cops in shows but it’s more often endemic among female police officers though.)
  19. “Good Cop/Bad Cop” routines always work well in interrogations. (Yes, real cops do this, but they only usually reserve it for naive or frightened suspects. It’s meant to imply that the “bad cop” might cause some real injury to the suspect so it be best to cooperate with the “good cop” to avoid any harm. However, cooler heads usually recognize it and find such tactics insulting. Not to mention, it’s a legally risky maneuver because of the potential for the interrogator to say something genuinely coercive.)
  20. If you’re a white guy, there’s nothing wrong with being misogynist or racist. (Actually there is since we’ve heard a bunch of stories about US cops shooting unarmed black men on the news. Not to mention, a lot of women who are in jail for murdering their abusive boyfriends/husbands. Of course, there are some misogynist and/or racist cops who try to do a good job though.)
  21. Be as worthless or antagonizing to the victims, society, and/or protagonist as possible. (You see this a lot in movies and TV shows for some reason. Nevertheless, police are human beings and try to do their job as best they can. Sometimes they can be prone to making mistakes or coming to the wrong conclusions. Still, movies and TV shows tend to exaggerate certain situations like on Dexter.)
  22. Remember that one mistake in procedure will eventually lead to the suspect going free on a technicality. (While some criminals do go free over certain circumstances {like Casey Anthony}, it happens less often than you think and not in the ways depicted. Nevertheless, such concepts in full force in Dexter since the protagonist always needs a reason to kill serial killers so the Miami Police Department becomes incredibly ineffective as a result, especially in Homicide. However, if the show conformed to real life, most of the serial killers Dexter murdered would be in jail and probably still alive. And it wouldn’t last beyond the second season since the Homicide detectives would soon catch wind of some of Dexter’s suspicious behavior according to witnesses and would soon apprehend him. Nevertheless, it would’ve been more realistic if Dexter was set before )
  23. Remember that if a suspect has a motive, then he or she probably didn’t do it. (On TV and movies, a suspect can be ruled out on motive. However, real life cops don’t give a shit about the motive. All that matters to them is whether the suspect could’ve committed the crime and how. They don’t care why.)
  24. Enhanced interrogation techniques are always effective on suspects. (Newsflash: They’re not. EIT qualifies as psychological torture by international law. It’s also inadmissible in court.)
  25. Interrogation through torture always works. (I know Hollywood tends to sell us this concept all the time. However, it’s illegal under international law as well as in many jurisdictions. And there’s no real proof that it works effectively or dependably. Sometimes torture would just make the suspect say anything to stop it even if it’s false. For instance, when tortured into given the names of his squadron by the North Vietnamese as a POW, John McCain was able to stop his tormenters by naming members from the Green Bay Packers. The North Vietnamese thought he gave the information they wanted and fell for it. Not to mention, information obtained through torture are seen as inadmissible in court.)
  26. Be aware that only bad people call their lawyers. (You see this a lot in crime shows all the time. However, if you get arrested in real life, it’s best advised that you say nothing, write nothing, sign nothing, and do nothing except call for a lawyer and refuse to answer questions without one. This is especially good advice for anyone who’s reasonably innocent because having legal counsel doesn’t make one guilty by default. Sure an innocent person may think that they can explain the situation logically and reason it out with police, yet such actions can get them in a lot of trouble. Keep in mind police are human beings with their own cognitive biases and being accused of a violent crime would be a terrifying situation for anyone. If they have a narrative in their heads about how the crime went down, it’s very easy for them to fit an innocent person’s comments into such narrative. And no, it’s not out of maliciousness either but a simple desire to solve a case. Thus, such notions lead to most suspects never calling their lawyers regardless of guilt or innocence. Then again, most crime suspects aren’t too bright.)
  27. If you’re stumped on a suspect’s identity on trace evidence, remember almost ever police station has access to some sort of crime database. (You see this in a lot of recent cop shows. But while some of these databases exist, they’re not as impressive than what you see on CSI. For one, there must be a pre-existing compendium of all possible samples of whatever is being identified. While forensics can match samples to stuff like paint or glass down to the manufacturer or batch, they would need two samples: one from the evidence and one to compare against. Also, while you see people on crime shows using a database to find a lead into a case, real forensics usually confirms this after the police have already gotten one. Then there’s the fact that even in well established databases, there are computer scientists who dedicate their whole careers on how to combine databases from various departments and institutions. Not to mention, not all the well established databases are all in a standardized format like you see on TV. For instance, take the databases used for the Department of Defense and Veteran’s Affairs which use software that aren’t compatible with each other.)
  28. Chalk outlines are especially helpful. (Sorry, but they don’t do that in real life since it contaminates the area and makes things difficult for investigators.)
  29. You can always threaten to place a warrant or obstruction on a reluctant witness for information. (As any cop reality show will tell you, this does happen occasionally. In real life, obstruction of justice is only applied in the most blatant cases when the witness was later found to actually have something to do with the crime {and has failed to take the Fifth Amendment or local equivalent} or was found to lie to police, destroy evidence, or intentionally tried to sabotage the investigation. However, charging people with obstruction with justice is up to the prosecutor, not the police. And only the courts would bother to do so in major cases because no prosecutor is going to waste their time on someone solely because the cops complain they’re being uncooperative and might’ve witnessed something. Besides, most police and prosecutors know that many witnesses will lie that they saw nothing unless the authorities have real evidence like in Foyle’s War.)
  30. High altitude interrogations are always useful in obtaining information, particularly if the witness or suspect is involved with organized crime. (This is perhaps the single worst interrogation technique imaginable since this method pertains that the interrogator is threatening to kill the person with needed information {when they should be kept alive}. Furthermore, it might give the potential informant the impression that the interrogator may just kill them after they share the requested information, which doesn’t give them any incentive to cooperate. Besides, this puts the interrogator in a situation where he or she has to either not do it and lose all credibility and control with the situation or let their lead fall to their death and lose the information they could’ve had. Also, like any situation involving torture, it might just lead the person telling the interrogator what they want to hear. Not to mention, such techniques qualify as torture and would get a cop automatically kicked off the force, if not jailed. But in fiction, this technique has a high success rate, unfortunately.)
  31. Be aware that those in police custody are only allowed one phone call. (As long as suspects have access to legal counsel, they have no legal right to any phone calls except their lawyers. After that, it’s up to the cops to decide.)
  32. When arresting somebody, always read them their rights. (Seen a lot in crime shows and movies. However, the suspect only needs to be read their rights prior to interrogation. Miranda rights have nothing to do with arrest but questioning so they can be read to witnesses as well. Reading a person’s rights during an arrest might be a better way to get it over with.)
  33. It’s perfectly fine to continue talking to a suspect after they asked for an attorney during an interrogation. (No, the interrogation doesn’t proceed until the lawyer is present. In fact, it’s an excellent way to get evidence thrown out. Sometimes the cops may hardly bother getting a lawyer and just stop the interrogation entirely.)
  34. Make sure your interrogations are exciting and quick as possible. (Real interrogations are rarely as exciting as the ones you see in crime dramas. Real police are very careful during interrogations not to lead, badger, or abuse a suspect, and risk a good defense attorney having the testimony be suppressed as evidence. Most interrogations can last for hours, if not days, particularly in felony cases. Most are usually question and answer sessions designed to wear the suspect down over time. There’s rarely any yelling, “good cop/bad cop” routines, or other aggressive techniques unless they can be used and the police can get away with them. However, cops may be allowed to lie to suspects about certain things but not about the legal consequences of confessing to a crime.)
  35. If someone admits they plan to kill the victim only to be beaten to it, let them go. (Actually these people are confessing to attempted murder at least, which is a crime.)
  36. Remember that “consultants” are private citizens and aren’t bound by the same rules as police. (Individuals employed in the police department are considered law enforcement agents of the law for exactly this reason. So “consultants” like Monk would be bound by the same rules.)
  37. Shooting someone in the line of duty won’t interrupt your investigative duties. (Actually when a cop shoots somebody in the line of duty, there will usually be an inquiry to determine whether or not their use of force was justified {especially if the victim dies}. This will result in the cop being on administrative leave and seriously restricted to investigate anything. This is because most police departments know that there are dirty cops out there, especially those willing to commit murder who’d claim that the victim was resisting arrest, assaulting them, or trying to escape.)
  38. There are always one or two crimes happening within a few moments of each other. (Maybe in Midsomer County. But in real life, a lot of crimes can happen simultaneously as we’ve all known by watching the evening news.)
  39. Remember if there’s not enough evidence to arrest a suspects by the end of this week’s episode, then they can’t be arrested, even if you have more than enough evidence to bust them for the crimes they committed last week and just narrowly avoided capture. (In real life, the length of the statute of limitations can range from months or years. And for some crimes like murder, it never expires. So, cops, if you don’t have enough evidence to catch Carmen Sandiego for stealing the Mona Lisa this week, but have more than enough evidence that she stole the Crown Jewels last week, you can totally arrest her now. However, I’m not sure about Javert pursuing Jean Valjean violating his parole decades ago. That statute of limitations might’ve passed in 19th century France but I can’t be certain.)
  40. Anything that a criminal says to their lawyer is absolutely confidential information and can’t be used as evidence against them. (This only applies if the suspect is accused of the crime, thinks they’re guilty and wants to plead the Fifth, think they’re a suspect, or think you might be accused of a crime if you don’t cooperate with the authorities. Also pertains to any past crimes as well. However, what a suspect might say to their lawyers during an informal conversation or consultation isn’t confidential and can be used as evidence. And if the suspect talks about committing future crimes, then their lawyer is required to turn them in.)
  41. A victim of a crime is free to drop charges against a perpetrator at any time. (When the police are called, this decision may be very well out of the victim’s hands. By then it might be up to the prosecutor. Too many people learned the hard way about this in real life.)
  42. If the underage participant was willing and the sex was consensual, then it’s not statutory rape. (You see this in a lot of cop shows. But in most nations, it’s never the case since it’s the entire purpose of statutory rape laws. However, if a minor says that they were in a sexual relationship with the accused sex offender, then this pretty much seals the deal as far as the courts are concerned. The only defense against a statutory rape charge is denying that the sex ever took place to begin with. Minors aren’t seen as mentally or emotionally mature enough to make their own decisions when it comes to sex and for very good reasons. Thus, there opinions on the case have no bearing on anything.)
  43. If the underage participant lied about their age, then it’s not statutory rape. (Uh, it totally is because lack of awareness of a partner’s age is not a defense in most jurisdictions {sorry, Roman Polanski}. So if the victim was 14 and the offender was 24, then the prosecutor is perfectly justified in prosecuting the case. However, this might not apply if both partners were between 16 and 20 years old depending on jurisdiction. In most states that go lower than 18 as the age of consent, then legal marriage may be required with the permission of the minor’s parents.)
  44. Criminal informants can be immune from prosecution if they agree to testify as a witness in cases involving a bigger criminal. (Actually this only applies to the crimes they admit to in their testimonies which can’t be used as evidence against them in subsequent cases. It doesn’t mean that they’re absolved from what they’ve done because police can still build a case against them. So while Omar may admit to robbing drug dealers in his testimony, this doesn’t mean he can’t be arrested for such activities. Because he totally can. It’s just that the Baltimore Police Department can’t arrest him on evidence based on what he told Maurice Levy like, “I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase.”)
  45. There’s nothing wrong with badgering, harassing, and tricking the suspect into revealing evidence that would eventually convict them. (Sorry, Columbo, but this is highly illegal as well as breaches many various civil and ethical protections against police abuse and harassment as well as a suspect’s presumption of innocence. A lot of people have been convicted of murder because of overzealous police and prosecutors who are completely sure of their guilt.)
  46. It’s perfectly fine to tamper with evidence. (No it ain’t. Columbo also has a bad habit of this since he obtained evidence by walking around, picking something up, putting it in his pocket, and keeping it until he can show it to the murderer. Evidence obtained this way isn’t permissible in court and would cause any real forensic detectives throwing fits at him. If evidence should be permissible in court, then it should be in a plastic bag with an evidence label.)
  47. Polygraph test results are admissible in court. (Actually they aren’t because they aren’t reliable at all in lie detection. Sociopaths are well-known to beat polygraph tests very easily because they lie without shame or nervousness. Then there’s the fact that certain people fail polygraph tests despite telling the truth mainly because they’re nervous during the whole thing.)
  48. Suspect has left your jurisdiction? No problem, just chase them in hot pursuit. (Actually that’s not how hot pursuit goes. While it might allow a sheriff to pursue a suspect in adjoining counties, but not beyond that. Nor would it grant them to pursue the suspect over multiple states, which would be the job of the local authorities, the state police, or the FBI.)
  49. Remember that a suspect can always get off on insanity. (Actually those who plea insanity don’t actually get off. Most of the time they not only have to be confined to a mental institution {which might last forever}, they also have to serve their sentence as well. John Hinckley Jr. would’ve been a free man today if he didn’t plead insanity when charged with attempting to assassinate Ronald Reagan.)
  50. If you’re going undercover, then you must identify yourself when asked. (Police have no obligation to blow their cover even if asked directly, which makes perfect sense. If they did, then there could be no sting operations whatsoever.)
  51. Tracing calls usually takes a long time. (Actually it doesn’t if the number is 911 or in federal intelligence organizations like the FBI, CIA, or the NSA.)
  52. If you don’t read a suspect their Miranda rights, they will go free. (Not so, since Miranda rights are read for people about to be interrogated. And if police don’t, then that just means that the prosecutor won’t be able to use a suspect’s testimony against them in court.)
  53. Aggressive, confrontational policing is the best way to control crime. (Actually it’s said that “community policing” is better which stresses community involvement as well as solutions that don’t involve more arrests, raids, and street sweeps.So this might actually make Sheriff Andy Taylor one of the best policemen on television.)
  54. If you’re sure that a suspect is innocent, you can let them go. (Sorry, but police can’t do that in most states. It’s up for the Grand Jury or prosecutor to decide. And that person may be let go anyway because there’s are reasonable doubts of their guilt. There’s a reason why so many political and police prosecutions usually fail.)
  55. A confession is verbatim no matter what the circumstances. (Actually many have given confessions either under duress or as part of a plea bargain deal but have been found innocent due to DNA evidence later.)
  56. There is always a police code for everything. (Maybe, but that doesn’t mean all cops have it memorized, know exactly what it means, or have been trained for its eventual use. Do you think cops have been trained to handle an alien invasion? I think not.)
  57. Remember that the closer you approach mandatory retirement, the more likely your days are numbered. (In cop shows, when a police officer announces that they’re about to retire after one last case, it’s very likely they won’t make it out alive. However, such concept is greatly exaggerated in the real world.)
  58. If you’re a detective, then make sure you’re in units like Vice Squad, Homicide, Narcotics, Special Victims, or Major Crimes. (There are plenty of other units in Police Departments as well that don’t deal with violent crimes at all. Then there’s also Arson, Fugitive Squad, and Missing Persons, too. Of course, in most fictional crime stories, the crime is usually murder.)
  59. Always trust forensics, medical examiners, and crime scene investigators. (Actually the quality of a police department’s forensics, morgues, or CSI units aren’t always equipped with the latest technology that you see in crime shows where they always seem to know what they’re doing. Not to mention, in some places the coroner is elected, this doesn’t mean he or she is actually qualified to determine cause of death. Hell, some coroners may not even be doctors or not even specialize in pathology. And not everyone has the good fortune to have an ME like Cyril Wecht in their jurisdiction. Also, there are plenty of incidences where forensics, MEs, and CSI units have gotten things wrong. Such mistakes can really fuck up investigations as well as bring great distress to families. Let’s just say those involved in the autopsy of Michael Jordan’s dad really screwed up. In fact, Frontline has a documentary pertaining to forensics and post mortems which doesn’t mean such units can always be trusted.)
  60. Remember that most of your job will consist of shoot outs, long car chases, standoffs, and serial killers. (Actually, most cops lead less dangerous lives than they do on TV. Sure people get shot in the line of duty but a lot of police work usually involves identifying, arresting, and interrogating suspects along with certain amounts of paperwork {at least for detectives}. Actually it depends on the kind of police officer you are.)

Vintage Spirits Advertising of Yesterday

Yuengling-Dogs1-480x384

Disclaimer: This post isn’t for viewers under the legal age of 21. Those caught looking at this post under 21 will be subject to prosecution and penalty depending on their state law. For those 21 and over, please drink responsibly.

Of course, I was just kidding when I said that people under 21 aren’t permitted to view them. However, full disclosure, kids, though you may not be of legal drinking age, you won’t be prosecuted by anyone for viewing these ads. You can totally view them without legal consequences whatsoever. Just like you see them when you watch a sports game or late night TV. Hell, they even advertise alcohol on billboards, magazines, movie theaters, the Web and outside buildings. My disclaimer was a joke. In fact, I highly encourage that you view these ads since they really tell a lot about our culture in terms of drinking. You might learn something. Nevertheless, if anyone is advertising alcohol in this post, those under 21 should never click the ad under any circumstances. And I don’t care if the woman in them is hot, the animals are cute, or that everyone seems to have a good time partying. If you’re under 21, don’t click on any sponsored alcohol ads on this post.

Now I don’t usually drink alcohol. But I’m well aware of how it’s been part of the American culture since the beginning. But unlike things like racism, Anti-Catholicism, sexism, xenophobia, tobacco, and reservation culture, we tend to see booze with a more positive reverence. But like guns, capitalism, sports, and protesting, we tend to ignore the negative implications and dangers. Nevertheless, the month of August is known for 2 things in my neck of the woods: back to school and the start of the football season. And besides, I’ve already done back to school ads last year. Anyway, football is huge in the United States like you wouldn’t believe which is why it’s a big time for advertising. Now most of the ads you’d expect in football game usually consist of food, cars, booze, and boner pills. Of course, food is always advertised on TV all the time so I can’t do a post on that. So are cars but I might do one of those another time. As for boner pills, I’m not sure if there were any vintage ads pertaining to them. Though that one for Duraflame in an earlier post certainly sounded like one, but they were advertising for a whole different kind of wood there. So this leaves us booze. Like food, booze advertising is everywhere and that was the same in your parents’ and grandparents’ childhood as well save maybe between 1920-1933 for obvious reasons. And football season is one of the biggest times of the year for alcohol advertising, especially beer. However, I can go on and on about the great alcohol ads of previous generations (like Yuengling’s dogs at the bar ad which my dad has for a T-shirt). But I’m well aware that you’d be bored to tears so I’ll show some of the ones your grandparents may not want to see in their lives again. So for your viewing pleasure, here are an assortment of vintage ads with booze that don’t inspire nostalgia but feelings one might get if they wake up with a hangover wondering what happened the night before. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way. But that’s to be expected. Oh, there’s a chance some of these might not be from the United States either.

  1. Two more shots for the cause with Ballantine Scotch.
Sorry, you two, but I'm sure Prohibition's been over since 1933 with the 21st Amendment. Yes, I know it was stupid to ban booze in America. But still. Also, I don't like the look on that man's face for some reason.

Sorry, you two, but I’m sure Prohibition’s been over since 1933 with the 21st Amendment. Yes, I know it was stupid to ban booze in America. But still. Also, I don’t like the look on that man’s face for some reason.

2. “Got a thirst for man-size pleasure?” Drink Falstaff.

I don't know about you, but the lines

I don’t know about you, but the lines “Got a thirst for Man-Size Pleasure?” have the potential of taking a whole different meaning on Grindr. And I’m sure it has nothing to do with beer or fishing. But I’m sure there may be Grindr users into that sort of thing.

3. Of course, even bunnies tend to enjoy the occasional cocktail now and then.

While this ad might look adorable on the surface, I'm not sure about taking a closer look at it. Yes, they seem to be enjoying cocktails. But the girl rabbit appears wasted while the boy rabbit's eyes seem to be in diabolical anticipation. Like he's eagerly waiting when the roofies will kick in.

While this ad might look adorable on the surface, I’m not sure about taking a closer look at it. Yes, they seem to be enjoying cocktails. But the girl rabbit appears wasted while the boy rabbit’s eyes seem to be in diabolical anticipation. Like he’s eagerly waiting when the roofies will kick in.

4. Cool off on your Caribbean vacation with some Rhum Negrita.

Hmm....a black sugar field worker cutting sugar cane with an active volcano in the distance. Really? I'm sure he only makes about $2-3 during a 14 hour day. Besides, I'm sure it doesn't look good with that volcano.

Hmm….a black sugar field worker cutting sugar cane with an active volcano in the distance. Really? I’m sure he only makes about $2-3 during a 14 hour day. Besides, I’m sure it doesn’t look good with that volcano.

5. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you a guide of Montezuma’s tequila recipes.

You mean that what archaeologists said was an Aztec calendar was actually a bunch of tequila cocktail recipes? Wonder how they could miss that. Hey, wait a second, this is just an ad for tequila.

You mean that what archaeologists said was an Aztec calendar was actually a bunch of tequila cocktail recipes? Wonder how they could miss that. Hey, wait a second, this is just an ad for tequila.

6. Carrington’s Canadian Whiskey has uncommonly preferred stocks.

And it seems that Canadians use a beaver to analyze the stock market. Sort of makes the notion of Americans using groundhogs to predict the weather look reasonable. At least groundhogs have to deal with weather. I'm sure there's no beaver who has anything to do with the world of finance.

And it seems that Canadians use a beaver to analyze the stock market. Sort of makes the notion of Americans using groundhogs to predict the weather look reasonable. At least groundhogs have to deal with weather. I’m sure there’s no beaver who has anything to do with the world of finance.

7. A new baby in the family is always cause for celebration.

And the only living thing who doesn't have a glass of beer in this picture is the newborn baby in the cradle. Even the pets and children are drinking in this. And I'm sure the kiddies aren't even legal. But none of the adults seem to feel any qualms about underage drinking in this. Yeah, really wouldn't fly in the US today.

And the only living thing who doesn’t have a glass of beer in this picture is the newborn baby in the cradle. Even the pets and children are drinking in this. And I’m sure the kiddies aren’t even legal. But none of the adults seem to feel any qualms about underage drinking in this. Yeah, really wouldn’t fly in the US today.

8. Rheingold: the beer for lady duck hunters.

Let's hope she drinks her Rheingold after a day's hunt, not before or during. Because it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that firearms and alcohol don't mix. Seriously, if I was caught between a drunk hunter and a bear, I'll take my chances with the bear.

Let’s hope she drinks her Rheingold after a day’s hunt, not before or during. Because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that firearms and alcohol don’t mix. Seriously, if I was caught between a drunk hunter and a bear, I’ll take my chances with the bear.

9. Of course, just because they have scotch at the country club, doesn’t mean you should drink it during a badminton tournament.

You know you've had too much scotch during a badminton tournament, when you're not sure whether a

You know you’ve had too much scotch during a badminton tournament, when you’re not sure whether a “birdie” is referring to a shuttlecock or an actual bird. And you’re not sure which to hit.

10. Schlitz Beer: the American beer that made Milwaukee famous.

Now this guy better be planning a tailgate party or inviting his buddies to watch a game. Or else, he might have a drinking problem. And it seems that the other guy would rather use his umbrella to keep his buddy's beer bottles dry than his girlfriend who's had to wear a newspaper. What an asshole.

Now this guy better be planning a tailgate party or inviting his buddies to watch a game. Or else, he might have a drinking problem. And it seems that the other guy would rather use his umbrella to keep his buddy’s beer bottles dry than his girlfriend who’s had to wear a newspaper. What an asshole.

11. Schlitz: The beer you want for your summer pool party.

And it seems that the beer isn't the only thing that Ralphie is looking at. Of course, there's a chance people might get suspicious seeing he and Norman alone together in their beach gear.

And it seems that the beer isn’t the only thing that Ralphie is looking at. Of course, there’s a chance people might get suspicious seeing he and Norman alone together in their beach gear.

12. Get that Ten High smile and double your enjoyment.

Is it just me or is that circus clown simply terrifying? I mean that is one of the creepiest clowns I've ever seen. And I've seen a few. Besides, looking at him, I really don't want that Ten High smile if you ask me.

Is it just me or is that circus clown simply terrifying? I mean that is one of the creepiest clowns I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a few. Besides, looking at him, I really don’t want that Ten High smile if you ask me.

13. Beer is always the great tailgating drink when you’re watching the game.

Now I know that's supposed to be an armchair. But sometimes it kind of looks like a visibly pregnant woman taking a cold one for some reason. And I'm well aware that drinking beer during pregnancy is not a good idea and should best be avoided at all times, especially in the critical early stages (when the baby is developing). Still, I think this artist really made us assume the worst with this one.

Now I know that’s supposed to be an armchair. But sometimes it kind of looks like a visibly pregnant woman taking a cold one for some reason. And I’m well aware that drinking beer during pregnancy is not a good idea and should best be avoided at all times, especially in the critical early stages (when the baby is developing). Still, I think this artist really made us assume the worst with this one.

14. When it comes to company picnics, you can’t beat Schlitz.

Guess this was a way for a guy's work buddies to tell him that he might need to do a twelve step program. Seriously, none of the other guys in this race are luring their partners with beer bottles. So why did the ad people think it was a good idea?

Guess this was a way for a guy’s work buddies to tell him that he might need to do a twelve step program. Seriously, none of the other guys in this race are luring their partners with beer bottles. So why did the ad people think it was a good idea?

15. Black & White: Worth hunting for.

Now it's one thing to say

Now it’s one thing to say “hunting” in a figurative sense. However, booze and hunting just don’t mix despite how many people thought for centuries. But at least there’s no gun in this. Only a whip. I dread how the horses will have the deal with during the fox hunt. It’s almost tradition to drink at those events.

16. With Passport Scotch, it’s not where you’ve been, it’s where you’re going.

Now is a good time for a public service announcement. Okay, fellas, if come across a woman splayed like that with a glass in her hand, do not even try to have sex with her. Hell, she might already be wasted for all you know. Otherwise, with Passport's Scotch, the next place you're going is jail.

Now is a good time for a public service announcement. Okay, fellas, if come across a woman splayed like that with a glass in her hand, do not even try to have sex with her. Hell, she might already be wasted for all you know. Otherwise, with Passport’s Scotch, the next place you’re going is jail.

17. Remember wives and kids, when Daddy gets home from work, you better bring him his Budweiser.

If Mommy doesn't bring Daddy his beer when he comes home, then Daddy's going to get one himself at some nearby bar. There he'll have a few more which will lead him getting into fights, becoming a public embarrassment, and cheating on Mommy with some booze filled whore. So please, kiddos, remember that Daddy needs his beer after work to relax.

If Mommy doesn’t bring Daddy his beer when he comes home, then Daddy’s going to get one himself at some nearby bar. There he’ll have a few more which will lead him getting into fights, becoming a public embarrassment, and cheating on Mommy with some booze filled whore. So please, kiddos, remember that Daddy needs his beer after work to relax.

18. For the kids: there’s always Jingle Jokes for Little Folks.

Hmmm....selling alcohol to minors. I'm sure that won't do anything wrong to poor little Jimmy. Except hurt his liver and increase his chances of becoming an alcoholic. Seriously, what hell were these people thinking at the time? This is crazy!

Hmmm….selling alcohol to minors. I’m sure that won’t do anything wrong to poor little Jimmy. Except hurt his liver and increase his chances of becoming an alcoholic. Seriously, what hell were these people thinking at the time? This is crazy!

19. “I spread my wings when I discovered Smirnoff.”

So here's another failed attempt at feminism. Even worse that she's next to an old timey plane. Now there's nothing wrong with this picture, so long if it was used to encourage young girls to get a pilot's license, join the Air Force, or work for Boeing. But this ad is being used to sell vodka which might help you spread your wings. But sometimes not in a way you'd want to.

So here’s another failed attempt at feminism. Even worse that she’s next to an old timey plane. Now there’s nothing wrong with this picture, if it was used to encourage young girls to get a pilot’s license, join the Air Force, or work for Boeing. But this ad is being used to sell vodka and encourage young women to drink. Now I see nothing wrong with drinking at a party, ladies, but saying that drinking is liberating when it really makes you increasingly vulnerable to being violated and risky behavior. There’s a reason why you see PSAs against drunk driving. And I’ve seen Flight so I know that drinking and flying don’t mix either.

20. “End your Thanksgiving dinner in an old-fashioned blaze of glory!”

Now I know what you're thinking. You might assume this ad is racist because it has a smiling black guy in servant attire. But little do you realize that he's really smiling because he burned his boss's turkey in revenge for all the years of enduring his abuse. Now thanks to his efforts, his boss's family Thanksgiving is ruined and will have to have order Peking Turkey at the nearest Chinese Restaurant.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You might assume this ad is racist because it has a smiling black guy in servant attire. But little do you realize that he’s really smiling because he burned his boss’s turkey in revenge for all the years of giving him crap on a minimum wage salary. Now thanks to his efforts, his boss’s family Thanksgiving is ruined and will have to have order Peking Turkey at the nearest Chinese Restaurant.

21. Things always seem to look better with Johnnie Walker Red.

Notice that they never show the woman these guys are talking about in this ad. Makes me wonder that these guys are so drunk that they'll hump anything. The woman isn't as attractive as these guys think.

Notice that they never show the woman these guys are talking about in this ad. Makes me wonder that these guys are so drunk that they’ll hump anything. The woman isn’t as attractive as these guys think.

22. Colt 45 introduces Bottoms Up: the adult game for adults.

Sure it's a blatant way to sell sex and drinking. But still, drinking games are terrible. All they do is encourage irresponsible binging which leads to health problems and dependency issues. At worst it can kill you. It's not cool. It's not glamorous. It's not sexy. Period.

Sure it’s a blatant way to sell sex and drinking. But still, drinking games are terrible. All they do is encourage irresponsible binging which leads to health problems and dependency issues. At worst it can kill you. It’s not cool. It’s not glamorous. It’s not sexy. Period.

23. For your Christmas booze, always choose Johnnie Walker.

Uh, Johnnie, can you not come in? Seriously, your old timey, theme park, monocled face is scaring the hell out of me. Hell, I'm getting nightmares looking at you already.

Uh, Johnnie, can you not come in? Seriously, your old timey, theme park, monocled face is scaring the hell out of me. Hell, I’m getting nightmares looking at you already. Seems more like a home invasion threat to me.

24. “Nothing washes 8 hours of stupid questions out of your mouth like Old Pebkar.”

Yeah, because he's so drunk that he can't even remember them. Also, I'm sure Old Pebkar will give him 8 more hours of stupid questions to ask. Examples are: Where am I? Who are you? What did I do last night? What happened last night? How much did I drink? Was I driving?

Yeah, because he’s so drunk that he can’t even remember them. Also, I’m sure Old Pebkar will give him 8 more hours of stupid questions to ask. Examples are: Where am I? Who are you? What did I do last night? What happened last night? How much did I drink? Was I driving? Will I get arrested? Did I kill anybody?

25. “You can take a White Horse anywhere.”

However, remember that they're talking about an alcoholic beverage and not a literal white horse here. Let's just say having a real white horse at a fancy restaurant or dinner table can get quite awkward. Also, I think the horse is rather bored stiff and might leave a special surprise on the floor.

However, remember that they’re talking about an alcoholic beverage and not a literal white horse here. Let’s just say having a real white horse at a fancy restaurant or dinner table can get quite awkward. Also, I think the horse is rather bored stiff and might leave a special surprise on the floor.

26. “Mummy always chose my clothes until I discovered Smirnoff.”

Seems like Smirnoff tried to sell feminism to women by getting a picture of some sleazy Tae Kwon Do center. Notice that the woman is pretty and is showing cleavage. Of course, when she has too much Smirnoff at a party, I'm sure her karate skills won't be as much use to her as her designated driver.

Seems like Smirnoff tried to sell feminism to women by getting a picture of some sleazy Tae Kwon Do center. Notice that the woman is pretty and is showing cleavage. Of course, when she has too much Smirnoff at a party, I’m sure her karate skills won’t be as much use to her as her designated driver.

27. “Relax, honey, at least I saved the beer.”

Yeah, but I really think the whole romantic canoe trip is now ruined since it turned over. I'm sure his wife ain't happy that all her best clothes are now soaked. And it doesn't help that they're dry clean only.

Yeah, but I really think the whole romantic canoe trip is now ruined since it turned over. I’m sure his wife ain’t happy that all her best clothes are now soaked. And it doesn’t help that they’re dry clean only.

28. “Look, honey! No hands!”

I'm sure this guy is like,

I’m sure this guy is like, “Well, that’s my girl!” Yeah, he seems to find the perfect woman who’s pretty and waits on him hand and foot. Not to mention, she also drinks Budweiser.

29. During a bear encounter, nothing helps like Old Smuggler.

Then again, if a bear came that close to me, I might feel like I need a drink, too. But just because you feel like drinking when facing a bear doesn't mean you should. Then again, I wonder if bears pass out after having a drinks. I'd like to see that.

Then again, if a bear came that close to me, I might feel like I need a drink, too. But just because you feel like drinking when facing a bear doesn’t mean you should. Then again, I wonder if bears pass out after having a drinks. I’d like to see that.

30. Have a Smirnoff…..in space.

Houston, we might have a problem. Seriously, neither of these two are in space suits. Also, I think that bottle of Smirnoff is floating away in the vastness of space. Oh, and I think the astronaut really wants to tell these two to stop partying now.

Houston, we might have a problem. Seriously, neither of these two are in space suits. Also, I think that bottle of Smirnoff is floating away in the vastness of space. Oh, and I think the astronaut really wants to tell these two to stop partying now.

31. Cutty Sark: Scotch for the gladiators.

I highly doubt that Cutty Sark Scotch existed in Ancient Rome, though gladiator product endorsements certainly did. However, the dead animals in the arena wouldn't go well with PETA. This is especially since a Minnesota dentist killed Cecil the Lion.

I highly doubt that Cutty Sark Scotch existed in Ancient Rome, though gladiator product endorsements certainly did. However, the dead animals in the arena wouldn’t go well with PETA. This is especially since a Minnesota dentist killed Cecil the Lion.

32. Income taxes due? Have a Worthington!

This is a British ad. However, please do your income taxes before you drink. Not after or during. Or else you might get audited. Yeah, getting drunk during tax time, good idea (sarcasm).

This is a British ad. However, please do your income taxes before you drink. Not after or during. Or else you might get audited. Yeah, getting drunk during tax time, good idea (sarcasm).

33. Walt Whitman receives a bottle of Old Crow from an admirer.

And it seems that his maid has an unrequited crush on him. Sorry, lady, but the real Walt Whitman was undoubtedly gay. I mean have you ever read,

And it seems that his maid has an unrequited crush on him. Sorry, lady, but the real Walt Whitman was undoubtedly gay. I mean have you ever read, “I Sing the Body Eclectic?” Yeah, I know that Maurice Minnifield would feel the same as you.

34. “In the war of oranges, Smirnoff is neutral.”

For some reason, having women in such a pose like this makes absolutely no sense. I think whoever must've come up with this ad was probably drunk off his ass. Seriously, why?

For some reason, having women in such a pose like this makes absolutely no sense. I think whoever must’ve come up with this ad was probably drunk off his ass. Seriously, why?

35. Take a break from chopping the tree with Petri Wine.

Yes, he may be a very busy beaver. But he's also a very dumb beaver. I'm sure he's really not compromising his safety (sarcasm). Yeah, hate to see it when that tree falls on top of him.

Yes, he may be a very busy beaver. But he’s also a very dumb beaver. I’m sure he’s really not compromising his safety (sarcasm). Yeah, hate to see it when that tree falls on top of him.

36. “Wolfschmidt has the secret of making real vodka.”

Uh, I think tying a dog's mouth shut qualifies as cruelty to animals. Seriously, I'm sure that's way inhumane. Then again, I might want to check with the Humane Society or the ASPCA on that one.

Uh, I think tying a dog’s mouth shut qualifies as cruelty to animals. Seriously, I’m sure that’s way inhumane. Then again, I might want to check with the Humane Society or the ASPCA on that one.

37. “Don’t worry, honey. I’ll make Thanksgiving dinner while you can enjoy a nice cold beer with your friends.”

Yeah, let the women do all the cooking, you misogynist pigs. Seriously, you could help her snap green beans. It's not hard. Then again, it was a different time.

Yeah, let the women do all the cooking, you misogynist pigs. Seriously, you could help her snap green beans. It’s not hard. Then again, it was a different time.

38. Nothing makes a better kiddie drink than Rainier Beer. Just look at the happy kids frolicking around a giant beer bottle.

Yeah, Rainier Beer, the pure drink essential to healthy growth. I mean this Seattle brewing company is selling booze as a healthy drink for kids. Let's just say as far as kiddie drinks go, alcohol is the last thing you want to give your kids.

Yeah, Rainier Beer, the pure drink essential to healthy growth. I mean this Seattle brewing company is selling booze as a healthy drink for kids. Let’s just say as far as kiddie drinks go, alcohol is the last thing you want to give your kids.

39. “I’m as sure of myself on the court…as I am when choosing scotch.”

Because this pornstached tennis player really doesn't have a lot of confidence when it comes to public speaking. I mean he doesn't seem that he's ready to give a presentation unless he has some Catto scotch.

Because this pornstached tennis player really doesn’t have a lot of confidence when it comes to public speaking. I mean he doesn’t seem that he’s ready to give a presentation unless he has some Catto scotch.

40. During yellow fever season, nothing is better than Smirnoff.

Uh, do these guys have any idea that naming their drink yellow fever is a terrible idea. I mean when I hear of

Uh, do these guys have any idea that naming their drink yellow fever is a terrible idea? I mean when I hear of “yellow fever season” I sure as hell don’t imagine a couple lounging around in mosquito infested waters drinking vodka. Instead, I think of a mosquito transmitted disease that caused epidemics in the American South and actually killed people.

41. Schenley Whiskey: The preferred hard liquor for tax accountants.

Of course, these guys can really use a drink. I mean they spend all their unhappy, pathetic days balancing the books for those who don't appreciate it. All while harboring dreams of either becoming a Broadway producer or a lion tamer.

Of course, these guys can really use a drink. I mean they spend all their unhappy, pathetic days balancing the books for those who don’t appreciate it. All while harboring dreams of either becoming a Broadway producer or a lion tamer.

42. “Okay, Scruffy, but this is the last one.”

Even the dogs like Schlitz Beer. Then again, maybe the dog is just getting beer for his master because the guy's wife is busy gardening.

Even the dogs like Schlitz Beer. Then again, maybe the dog is just getting beer for his master because the guy’s wife is busy gardening.

43. Of course, it wasn’t unusual for a man to get a beer while mowing the lawn.

Yeah, drinking beer while mowing the lawn. Smart idea (sarcasm). Of course, I say I didn't warn you when you run your tractor into that telephone pole in your neighbor's yard.

Yeah, drinking beer while mowing the lawn. Smart idea (sarcasm). Of course, I say I didn’t warn you when you run your tractor into that telephone pole in your neighbor’s yard.

44. Remember, Fleishmann’s Whiskey is a big buy!

If I saw a guy with a whiskey bottle that big, I wouldn't be smiling with glee. Rather I'd be like,

If I saw a guy with a whiskey bottle that big, I wouldn’t be smiling with glee. Rather I’d be like, “He needs help. He might have a drinking problem.” Wonder if he should go to AA.

45. Remember, always have a nip before you dip.

Drinking before a swim. Good idea. Not. Still, I'm sure being wasted won't prevent you from being eaten by sharks. Just saying.

Drinking before a swim. Good idea. Not. Still, I’m sure being wasted won’t prevent you from being eaten by sharks, especially if you’re drinking rum. Just saying.

46. Remember, real men drink Steel vodka while they’re working.

Now this ad makes me really distrust PennDOT. Not sure why. Must be the sign. Still, drinking vodka while working really doesn't help job performance, especially if you have a dangerous occupation.

Now this ad makes me really distrust PennDOT. Not sure why. Must be the sign. Still, drinking vodka while working really doesn’t help job performance, especially if you have a dangerous occupation.

47. “Honey, can you take some beer out of the fridge to make room for the groceries?”

Ladies, when you come home to a fridge like that, ask your husband if he's planning a party or a tailgate. If he's not, then you might want to consider packing your bags, taking the kids, and getting a divorce. Because, ladies, no one needs a alcoholic in their life. And believe me, I personally know a few.

Ladies, when you come home to a fridge like that, ask your husband if he’s planning a party or a tailgate. If he’s not, then you might want to consider packing your bags, taking the kids, and getting a divorce. Because, ladies, no one needs a alcoholic in their life. And believe me, I personally know a few.

48. Who knew that Four Roses was the preferred drink of Frosty the Snowman?

Seems like Frosty isn't the happy snowman most people thought he was. Guess he's turning to booze to drown his sorrows about his imminent mortality. We call it,

Seems like Frosty isn’t the happy snowman most people thought he was. Guess he’s turning to booze to drown his sorrows about his imminent mortality. We call it, “spring.”

49. Colonial Pelican wants you to try some good old fashioned Mount Vernon Whiskey: The drink for the men in the locker room.

George Washington actually did get in the whiskey business at Mount Vernon after his presidency. I've actually been to the distillery myself actually. It was a success in the first couple years. But then Washington died in 1799 and his nephew drove the works into the ground. Still, I'd find the notion of a pelican in 18th century clothes serving whiskey in a men's locker room really unsettling.

George Washington actually did get in the whiskey business at Mount Vernon after his presidency. I’ve actually been to the distillery myself actually. It was a success in the first couple years. But then Washington died in 1799 and his nephew drove the works into the ground. Still, I’d find the notion of a pelican in 18th century clothes serving whiskey in a men’s locker room really unsettling.

50. Now this is Schenley Whiskey’s portrait of a “two car man.”

Who's on a bicycle because he basically wrecked them both in a ditch while on a bender. Heard he got his license revoked when the authorities caught up with him. But he's still got two casks of whiskey in his bike basket. Hope it was worth it. Because I don't think he'll ever drive again.

Who’s on a bicycle because he basically wrecked them both in a ditch while on a bender. Heard he got his license revoked when the authorities caught up with him. But he’s still got two casks of whiskey in his bike basket. Hope it was worth it. Because I don’t think he’ll ever drive again.

51. Smirnoff: The vodka for mental patients.

Never fly a personal helicopter, especially while drinking. Seriously, it's not worth it particularly on vodka. Also, those clothes are hideous.

Never fly a personal helicopter, especially while drinking. Seriously, it’s not worth it particularly on vodka. Also, those clothes are hideous.

52. How to hit on a girl while on Captain Morgan: “Go up to a girl and whisper Yo-ho-ho.”

Hate to break it to you, fellas. But if you try to pick me up on this ad's advice, I swear to God you'd be lucky to leave the premises with Captain Morgan all over your face. Seriously, I despise such pick up lines and find them insulting to my intelligence. If you want to pick up women, just come up and break the ice in a respectful and courteous manner.

Hate to break it to you, fellas. But if you try to pick me up on this ad’s advice, I swear to God you’d be lucky to leave the premises with Captain Morgan all over your face. Seriously, I despise such pick up lines and find them insulting to my intelligence. If you want to pick up women, just come up and break the ice in a respectful and courteous manner.

53. PM Whiskey is known for its clear, clean taste.

Yes, this is an ad that's geared toward men. However, the cutesy rabbit in this ad sort of hints that it's being targeted to 8 year olds. Seriously, who the hell puts a cute, little, carrot munching rabbit in a whiskey ad? I mean why?

Yes, this is an ad that’s geared toward men. However, the cutesy rabbit in this ad sort of hints that it’s being targeted to 8 year olds. Seriously, who the hell puts a cute, little, carrot munching rabbit in a whiskey ad? I mean why?

54.With Kinsey Whiskey, you might discover how the “Rumpus Room” got its name.

Yeah, a brand of whiskey that shares a name with a famous sexologist, a bunch of men drinking, and a place called the "rumpus room." Don't see anything gay about that. Wait, I kind of do.

Yeah, a brand of whiskey that shares a name with a famous sexologist (who was probably bisexual), a bunch of men drinking, and a place called the “rumpus room.” Probably contains disturbing incidents involving anything long and hard.

55. Cream of Kentucky: The whiskey with the taste deranged old men prefer.

If you can't leave him alone with the kids, don't give him booze. In fact, if I were next to this guy, I'd ask to be seated elsewhere like as far away from him as possible.

If you can’t leave him alone with the kids, don’t give him booze. In fact, if I were next to this guy, I’d ask to be seated elsewhere like as far away from him as possible.

56. For dinner, always have Kaiser Stuhl with chicken.

I don't know about you. But while we're supposed to see a couple getting intimate, I see a blonde woman being creeped out by being touched by her significantly older and terrifying date. She doesn't seem to be at all comfortable in this situation. Guess she's having a drink to get through it.

We’re supposed to see a couple getting intimate. I see a blonde woman being creeped out by being touched by her significantly older and terrifying date. She doesn’t seem to be at all comfortable in this situation that she clearly regrets consenting to. Guess she’s having a drink to get through it all and hope he doesn’t call afterwards.

57. Dry Sack: “The change of pace drink that’s second to none.” It’s said that 9 out of 10 men prefer it.

If you're into Urban Dictionary, you might see why this ad is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, I wonder how many people from there find a Dry Sack refreshing.

If you’re into Urban Dictionary, you might see why this ad is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, I wonder how many people from there find a Dry Sack refreshing.

58. “Give her a Romantico Black Eye….she’ll love it!”

To be fair, this is a gin, which doesn't make its unintentional recommendation for domestic abuse any less disturbing. I mean gin is basically the worst alcoholic drink for you, especially when taken straight. Seriously, why name a drink "Black Eye" and suggest that a woman would love it? There's nothing romantic about black eyes whatsoever. Did these people ever hear of focus groups?

To be fair, this is a gin, which doesn’t make its unintentional recommendation for domestic abuse any less disturbing. I mean gin is basically the worst alcoholic drink for you, especially when taken straight. Seriously, why name a drink “Black Eye” and suggest that a woman would love it? There’s nothing romantic about black eyes whatsoever. Did these people ever hear of focus groups?

59. “The first thing I noticed was her big mouth.”

Maybe, but he must've thought the rest of her was sensational. Still, this is a horrible ad in more ways than one as well as an example of female sexual objectification. I mean removing her head in this photo just reduces her to a set of body parts. And the slogan doesn't hold her in a good light.

Maybe, but he must’ve thought the rest of her was sensational. Still, this is a horrible ad in more ways than one as well as an example of female sexual objectification. I mean removing her head in this photo just reduces her to a set of body parts. And the slogan doesn’t hold her in a good light.

60. Get the summer body you want with Schlitz.

Man, out of all the ways people try to lose weight, who would've thought that drinking Schlitz beer would've made all the difference? Oh, wait a minute, beer isn't known to be a weight loss drink at all. In fact, quite the contrary. Somebody better call this ad out for false advertising.

Man, out of all the ways people try to lose weight, who would’ve thought that drinking Schlitz beer would’ve made all the difference? Oh, wait a minute, beer isn’t known to be a weight loss drink at all. In fact, quite the contrary. Somebody better call this ad out for false advertising.

61. Cutty Sark Scotch: “Here’s to the gut feelings and those who still follow them.”

By "gut feelings" do they mean intuition, ulcers, appendicitis, or other digestion problems? Because if it ain't intuition, you might need to see a doctor and perhaps quit drinking. By the way, the guy in this picture is Ted Turner, onetime husband to Jane Fonda and founder of CNN. One of is a dishonor for the American nation in one of the most idiotic ways possible while the other released a series of fitness videos.

By “gut feelings” do they mean intuition, ulcers, appendicitis, or other digestion problems? Because if it ain’t intuition, you might need to see a doctor and perhaps quit drinking. By the way, the guy in this picture is Ted Turner, onetime husband to Jane Fonda and founder of CNN.

62. “Apples for health so….Bulmer’s for me.”

I'm not sure that's what "an apple a day" means. And I'm pretty sure drinking cider won't keep the doctor away, eventually. However, interestingly enough, Johnny Appleseed would've partially agreed with him because apple trees were originally cultivated to make booze.

I’m not sure that’s what “an apple a day” means. And I’m pretty sure drinking cider won’t keep the doctor away, eventually. However, interestingly enough, Johnny Appleseed would’ve partially agreed with him because apple trees were originally cultivated to make booze.

63. For the highest on your list, choose wild turkey. After all, turkeys can’t fly without whiskey.

Actually, contrary to its domestic counterparts, wild turkeys can fly and pretty fast. I've seen this, by the way. However, wild turkeys don't soar several miles over the Rocky Mountain landscapes of the Pacific Northwest. They usually don't fly higher than trees and most of them don't live west of the Rockies.

Actually, contrary to its domestic counterparts, wild turkeys can fly and pretty fast. I’ve seen this, by the way. However, wild turkeys don’t soar several miles over the Rocky Mountain landscapes of the Pacific Northwest. They usually don’t fly higher than trees (or a quarter of a mile off the ground) and most of them don’t live west of the Rockies.

64. Merry Christmas from the Scotch turkey.

Uh, turkeys are native to North America. So why have it on an ad for scotch dressed in a kilt really doesn't make any sense to me. Dressing it as an Indian for Thanksgiving would've been more appropriate.

Uh, turkeys are native to North America. So why have it on an ad for scotch dressed in a kilt really doesn’t make any sense to me. Dressing it as an Indian for Thanksgiving would’ve been more appropriate. Also, I don’t think the turkey looks too happy.

65. Myers’ Rum: The drink for people you don’t want to meet in a dark alley.

Now I don't know about you but this looks like the kind of man with a mysterious and dangerous past. And by that I mean he's probably employed by the mafia or has gained notoriety as your local neighborhood serial killer. If not, then the guy at the bar who'd send you to places like ER or ICU. If he's got a woman, then he'd be insanely possessive and controlling of her that one look at her and God help you. Yeah, I'd stay away from him if I were you.

Now I don’t know about you but this looks like the kind of man with a mysterious and dangerous past. And by that I mean he’s probably employed by the mafia or has gained notoriety as your local neighborhood serial killer. If not, then the guy at the bar who’d send you to places like ER or ICU. If he’s got a woman, then he’d be insanely possessive and controlling of her that one look at her and God help you. Yeah, I’d stay away from him if I were you.

66. Colt 45: The preferred drink for outer space and the future.

Now I'm sure the those spacesuits would be rejected by NASA in less than 3 seconds flat. Besides, I'm sure that they were Bob Fosse's rejected costume designs for Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Now I’m sure the those spacesuits would be rejected by NASA in less than 3 seconds flat. Besides, I’m sure that they were Bob Fosse’s rejected costume designs for Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey.

67. Pinch Scotch: the signature drink of scary cartoon ladies.

Actually since this woman seems to inspire more nightmares than Helena Bonham Carter, I think I'll take a pass at whatever she's serving. Also, I don't think she's very happy either.

Actually since this woman seems to inspire more nightmares than Helena Bonham Carter, I think I’ll take a pass at whatever she’s serving. Also, I don’t think she’s very happy either.

68. Remember, ladies, the girl who brings the booze gets the most dudes.

And she's pouring glasses for 3 different guys. And as long as she doesn't run out, she'll have to pour glasses for plenty more. Then again, I'm sure they want to look at her, too. After all, no guy wants to get booze from an woman who's not attractive.

And she’s pouring glasses for 3 different guys. And as long as she doesn’t run out, she’ll have to pour glasses for plenty more. Then again, I’m sure they want to look at her, too. After all, no guy wants to get booze from an woman who’s not attractive.

69. As Smirnoff says, women should always look their best before going into outer space.

Sorry, but I don't think this is the kind of hairdo that can hold up in zero gravity unless you're talking about 2001: A Space Odyssey. Also, I think it doesn't fit with NASA hair style guidelines either.

Sorry, but I don’t think this is the kind of hairdo that can hold up in zero gravity unless you’re talking about 2001: A Space Odyssey. Also, I think it doesn’t fit with NASA hair style guidelines either.

70. Try something better with J & B Rare Scotch.

From how I see it, the kind of song that defines this couple seems to be Neil Diamond's "Love on the Rocks." Then again, they're probably Kristen Stewart's parents and are always like that 24/7.

From how I see it, the kind of song that defines this couple seems to be Neil Diamond’s “Love on the Rocks.” Then again, they’re probably Kristen Stewart’s parents and are always like that 24/7.

The Early Lives of Celebrities in Pictures

Me and my sister at some park swing set in 1994. Now I'm not a celebrity by any stretch of the imagination. But I just thought this photo was appropriate. That's all.

Me with my mom and my sister, Molly at some park swing set in 1994. Now I’m not a celebrity by any stretch of the imagination. But I just thought this photo was appropriate to open this post. That’s all.

As human beings, while there are hundreds of ways to die, we all pretty much start our lives the same way. Obviously, all of us start our lives as babies and progress through childhood. And let’s just say, celebrities are no different. Yes, they’re famous and live more affluent lives than we do. Yes, they tend to be targets of the paparazzi and tabloids. Yes, they even get stories about them in the newspaper. But like you and me, we tend to forget that the rich and famous did start out as children. Still, when you look at some of their pictures, it’s pretty interesting. This is particularly the case in some of these old baby pictures when you even see boys wearing dresses. Now in this post, I present to you an assortment of photos of well-known celebrities. Some of them you will know while others you may not. Some of them are currently dead while others may be very much alive and might not want me to show them for fear of embarrassment.Now by “celebrity” I tend to include anyone who’s famous, not just people you see in Hollywood or in the entertainment industry. So without further adieu, here are some childhood pictures of celebrities in their early lives.

  1. Cat Stevens
Now Cat Stevens looks quite spiffy as an English schoolboy than the kind of folk rock singer-songwriter he'd become in the 1970s. He'd also be known for converting to Islam later on and changing his name to Yusuf Islam. Then again, he was the son of a Greek Cypriot and a Swede.

Now Cat Stevens looks quite spiffy as an English schoolboy than the kind of folk rock singer-songwriter he’d become in the 1970s. He’d also be known for converting to Islam later on and changing his name to Yusuf Islam. Then again, he was the son of a Greek Cypriot and a Swede.

2. Charles Boyer

Awwww. He's such an adorable little French baby. Of course, it's hard to imagine this little guy growing up to be Ingrid Bergman's psychological abusing husband in Gaslight. He was also an inspiration for Pepe le Pew, by the way.

Awwww. He’s such an adorable little French baby. Of course, it’s hard to imagine this little guy growing up to be Ingrid Bergman’s psychological abusing husband in Gaslight. He was also an inspiration for Pepe le Pew, by the way.

3. Salma Hayek

Of course, even as a baby she knew she was destined to be a star. Also, I love the bow in her hair.

Of course, even as a baby she knew she was beautiful enough for the camera. Also, I love the bow in her hair. So cute.

4. Stephen King

Just a little kid in the park. You know the kind of little boy who'd grow up to have a really demented imagination. Still, even as a little tyke he has that signature smile.

Just a little kid in the park. You know the kind of little boy who’d grow up to have a really demented imagination. Still, even as a little tyke he has that signature smile.

5. Rudyard Kipling

Judging how they dressed boys in those days, I guess he's probably old enough to attend grade school. Yet, he's so distinguished in his little suit. Of course, he'd later wear glasses, grow a mustache, and go bald. Still, he's best known for his literary output on India during the Raj.

Judging how they dressed boys in those days, I guess he’s probably old enough to attend grade school. Yet, he’s so distinguished in his little suit. Of course, he’d later wear glasses, grow a mustache, and go bald. Still, he’s best known for his literary output on India during the Raj.

6. Bob Dylan

This is him while he was 3 years old and known as Robert Zimmerman. However, not sure if his dipes, they need a-changin' or not.

This is the famed singer-songwriter while he was 3 years old and known as Robert Zimmerman from Minnesota. However, not sure if his dipes, they need a-changin’ or not. Also, not sure how he sounded like but let’s just say he’s not praised for his vocals. Besides, I don’t think he wants to go to Maggie’s Farm no more.

7. Henry Ford

Can't believe this little boy in the ruffle and funny hat would grow up to become one of the most influential innovators in history. I mean he came up with the auto assembly line with the Model T and established the Ford Motor Company. Also was a noted anti-Semite though.

Can’t believe this little boy in the ruffle and funny hat would grow up to become one of the most influential innovators in history. I mean he came up with the auto assembly line with the Model T and established the Ford Motor Company. Also was a noted anti-Semite though.

8. Angelina Jolie

Well, she might be blond but she does have the lips. Still, this little girl is bound to grow up to be one of the prettiest stars in Hollywood today. She'd also adopt a bunch of kids and have a few with Brad Pitt.

Well, she might be blond but she does have the lips. Still, this little girl is bound to grow up to be one of the prettiest stars in Hollywood today. She’d also adopt a bunch of kids and have a few with Brad Pitt.

9. Adele

Now this little lady will soon grow up to be a Grammy Award winning singer/songwriter best known for her sultry voice. Would also do the theme song for Skyfall. Still, this photo is suffering from serious red eye here.

Now this little lady will soon grow up to be a Grammy Award winning singer/songwriter best known for her sultry voice. Would also do the theme song for Skyfall. Still, this photo is suffering from serious red eye here.

10. Christopher Walken

Sure he's a kid at this time but he's actually quite cute. However, adult Christopher Walken is better known for his scratchy New York accented voice as well as looking quite haggard and creepy.

Sure he’s a kid at this time but he’s actually quite cute. However, adult Christopher Walken is better known for his scratchy New York accented voice as well as looking quite haggard and creepy.

11. Tina Fey

Well, she has the scar on her face. However, she also may be sporting a mullet from what I can tell from this picture. Of course, it really does look like her.

Well, she has the scar on her face. However, she also may be sporting a mullet from what I can tell from this picture. Of course, it really does look like her.

12. Barbara Stanwyck

Of course, it doesn't quite look like Barbara as we know here. However, she's also known to have a really shitty childhood with her mom being killed by a drunk driver and her dad deserting the family. She was also placed in a series of foster homes as well.

Of course, it doesn’t quite look like Barbara as we know here. However, she’s also known to have a really shitty childhood with her mom being killed by a drunk driver and her dad deserting the family. She was also placed in a series of foster homes as well.

13. Jennifer Lopez

Normally, when I hear about J. Lo, an image of a little girl in a dress and braid loops doesn't really come to mind. I'm not sure why. Still, this is an adorable picture.

Normally, when I hear about J. Lo, an image of a little girl in a dress and braid loops doesn’t really come to mind. I’m not sure why. Still, this is an adorable picture.

14. Harry S. Truman

Yes, this is baby Harry Truman who'd later grow up to become one of the most wise ass presidents of the United States. Of course, at this moment he's basically dropping atomic bombs in his diapers (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Yes, this is baby Harry Truman who’d later grow up to become one of the most wise ass presidents of the United States. Of course, at this moment he’s basically dropping atomic bombs in his diapers (metaphorically speaking, of course).

15. Robert Pattinson

For some reason, he kind of reminds me of my cousin. Well, at least the blond hair. Still, he's much cuter than the pale, emotionally abusive, creepy, and one-dimensional vampire he'd become famous for.

For some reason, he kind of reminds me of my cousin. Well, at least the blond hair. Still, he’s much cuter than the pale, emotionally abusive, creepy, and one-dimensional vampire he’d become famous for.

16. Vincent Price

Yes, he was a rich boy as you see in this picture. But he'd soon become one of the most famous horror movie legends of all time with his distinctive, creepy voice. He's also Tim Burton's hero.

Yes, he was a rich boy as you see in this picture. But he’d soon become one of the most famous horror movie legends of all time with his distinctive, creepy voice. He’s also Tim Burton’s hero.

17. Betty White

Even then she had the dimples. Of course, Betty White was also famous for a pioneer in television. But you probably know her as a funny old lady from the Golden Girls.

Even then she had the dimples. Of course, Betty White was also famous for a pioneer in television. But you probably know her as a funny old lady from the Golden Girls.

18. Lenny Kravitz

Seated with his mother so she could make sure that he doesn't split his coveralls while standing up. It's also funny if you consider the fact he wore gold mascara as Jennifer Lawrence's fashion designer on The Hunger Games.

Seated with his mother so she could make sure that he doesn’t split his coveralls while standing up. It’s also funny if you consider the fact he wore gold mascara as Jennifer Lawrence’s fashion designer on The Hunger Games.

19. The Sundance Kid

Pictured with his dad who doesn't seem very affectionate here. Of course, this little tyke from Pennsylvania will go on to have a life of crime out west, die in South America, and be played by Robert Redford. Yes, a true American outlaw legend.

Pictured with his dad who doesn’t seem very affectionate here. Of course, this little tyke from Pennsylvania will go on to have a life of crime out west, die in South America, and be played by Robert Redford. Yes, a true American outlaw legend.

20. Ernest Hemingway

Something tells me that this little boy didn't seem to care too much about wearing frilly dresses. Guess it's because he'd grow up to lead a life doing all kinds of men's stuff like going to war, hunting big game in Africa, watching a bullfight, getting drunk in Paris, screwing a bunch of women, being married 4 times, and committing suicide in Idaho.

Something tells me that this little boy didn’t seem to care too much about wearing frilly dresses. Guess it’s because he’d grow up to lead a life doing all kinds of men’s stuff like going to war, hunting big game in Africa, watching a bullfight, getting drunk in Paris, screwing a bunch of women, being married 4 times, and committing suicide in Idaho. I’d like to page Dr. Freud to determine whether this little guy spent the rest of his life compensating for something.

21. Martha Stewart

When she grows up, she'll become a domestic diva as well as a convicted felon. But right now, isn't she so adorable? Wouldn't you just love to see her in the kitchen or making crafts?

When she grows up, she’ll become a domestic diva as well as a convicted felon. But right now, isn’t she so adorable? Wouldn’t you just love to see her in the kitchen or making crafts? But hold onto your wallet.

22. David Bowie

Who knew that this little diaper filler will go on to become a recording artist known to wear outrageous outfits during the 1970s. Also played the Goblin King in a movie where he wore skin tight leather pants.

Who knew that this little diaper filler will go on to become a recording artist known to wear outrageous outfits during the 1970s, in which he performed as Ziggy Stardust. Also played the Goblin King in a movie where he wore skin tight leather pants.

23. Bruce Willis

Enjoy that blond hair while it lasts little guy. Because like your marriage to Demi Moore, it'll be gone before you know it. Luckily your action movie career shows that you'll embrace the change.

Enjoy that blond hair while it lasts little guy. Because like your marriage to Demi Moore, it’ll be gone before you know it. Luckily your action movie career shows that you’ll embrace the change.

24. Neil Young

Now I hate to say this but he was certainly one ugly kid while growing up. Besides, his teeth are kind of freaky. Still, at least he'll grow up to sometimes join Crosby, Stills, and Nash as well as write a bunch of great songs as a solo artist.

Now I hate to say this but he was certainly one ugly kid while growing up. Besides, his teeth are kind of freaky. Still, at least he’ll grow up to sometimes join Crosby, Stills, and Nash as well as write a bunch of great songs as a solo artist. His voice, however, is something to be desired.

25. Conan O’Brien

For some reason, I'm not surprised that Conan was the red haired kid with freckles while growing up. Still, he needs to watch out for the local big bully, Jay Leno who'd give him the chance of hosting a late night show before taking it away from him. Yes, he got screwed big time.

For some reason, I’m not surprised that Conan was the red haired kid with freckles while growing up. Still, he needs to watch out for the local big bully, Jay Leno who’d give him the chance of hosting a late night show before taking it away from him. Yes, he got screwed big time.

26. Jane Goodall

Now here's the little lady with her toy chimpanzee, which is so adorable. Little did we know that it would amount to a lifetime of studying chimpanzees in the wild in Africa.

Now here’s the little lady with her toy chimpanzee, which is so adorable. Little did we know that it would amount to a lifetime of studying chimpanzees in the wild in Africa.

27. Cary Grant

Who knew that the man we associate with classiness would start out as some poor boy from Bristol? Of course, Grant would also have a pretty rotten childhood in which his dad put his mom in a loony bin so he could shack up with his girlfriend. Yeah, little Archie Leach didn't have an easy life and left home for Vaudeville at 14.

Who knew that the man we associate with classiness would start out as some poor English boy from Bristol? Of course, Grant would also have a pretty rotten childhood in which his dad put his mom in a loony bin so he could shack up with his girlfriend. Yeah, little Archie Leach didn’t have an easy life and left home for Vaudeville at 14. He also had a Cockney accent, by the way.

28. Jimmy Fallon

Now this little boy doesn't seem camera shy in the slightest. Of course, it's funny how my dad thought he wouldn't amount to anything after he left SNL. Boy, he didn't seem to bet on him hosting Late Night or the Tonight Show. Loved how he turned the theme of Reading Rainbow into a stoner anthem.

Now this little boy doesn’t seem camera shy in the slightest. Of course, it’s funny how my dad thought he wouldn’t amount to anything after he left SNL. Boy, he didn’t seem to bet on him hosting Late Night or the Tonight Show. Loved how he turned the theme of Reading Rainbow into a stoner anthem.

29. Justin Bieber

Yes, he's adorable as a teddy bear. But when he grows up, chances are unless you're preteen to teenage girl, you're probably not going to like him. This is especially the case when he does a lot of other obnoxious things.

Yes, he’s adorable as a teddy bear. But when he grows up, chances are unless you’re preteen to teenage girl, you’re probably not going to like him. This is especially the case when he does a lot of other obnoxious things.

30. Gerald Ford

At the time, he was known as Leslie Lynch King Jr. Of course, his parents would split up and his mom married a much better man who adopted him and gave him his name. That man was Gerald Ford. Still, he'd go on to play college football and pardon Richard Nixon. Nevertheless, I think he's adorable in his little dress.

At the time, he was known as Leslie Lynch King Jr. Of course, his parents would split up and his mom married a much better man who adopted him and gave him his name. That man was Gerald Ford. Still, he’d go on to play college football and pardon Richard Nixon. Nevertheless, I think he’s adorable in his little dress and playing his accordion.

31. James Cagney

Can't believe that this little boy in frills and stroller would grow up to play gangsters at Warner Brothers. Then again, he did play George M. Cohan in Yankee Doodle Dandy. Still, I don't think he looks too happy.

Can’t believe that this little boy in frills and stroller would grow up to play gangsters at Warner Brothers. Then again, he did play George M. Cohan in Yankee Doodle Dandy. Still, I don’t think he looks too happy.

32. Eric Clapton

When he grows up, he's going to become one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time as well as steal  George Harrison's first wife, Patti Boyd. Will also be inducted into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame 3 time as part of the Yard Birds, Cream, and as a solo artist.

When he grows up, he’s going to become one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time as well as steal George Harrison’s first wife, Patti Boyd. Will also be inducted into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame 3 time as part of the Yard Birds, Cream, and as a solo artist.

33. Kanye West

Of course, this little boy will soon become an obnoxious rapper who will interrupt Taylor Swift's awards speech at the VMAs. He'd also marry Kim Kardashian and name his daughter North. But isn't he so adorable in that clown hat?

Of course, this little boy will soon become an obnoxious rapper who will interrupt Taylor Swift’s awards speech at the VMAs. He’d also marry Kim Kardashian and name his daughter North. But isn’t he so adorable in that clown hat?

34. Mohandas K. Gandhi

Yes, this is the future Mahatma as a 4 year old boy in India. I'm sure his idea of passive resistance won't work for him when it comes to afternoon naps. Because India tends to be a rather hot place.

Yes, this is the future Mahatma as a 4 year old boy in India. I’m sure his idea of passive resistance won’t work for him when it comes to afternoon naps. Because India tends to be a rather hot place.

35. Billy Joel

Yes, this is the little Piano Man himself without his two front teeth. Of course, he'll grow up as a well as endure moments when he crashes cars into houses. Will also be married to Christie Brinkley during the 1980s.

Yes, this is the little Piano Man himself without his two front teeth. Of course, he’ll grow up as a well as endure moments when he crashes cars into houses. Will also be married to Christie Brinkley during the 1980s.

36. Leonardo DiCaprio

Yes, that's Leonardo DiCaprio. Well, he was a kid in the 1970s so his parents probably thought that hairstyle was cute. Of course, he'd end up becoming a star after Titanic. But he should've been nominated for Django Unchained.

Yes, that’s Leonardo DiCaprio. Well, he was a kid in the 1970s so his parents probably thought that hairstyle was cute. Of course, he’d end up becoming a star after Titanic. But he should’ve been nominated for Django Unchained.

37. The Dalai Lama

Of course, unlike many of the celebrities on this list, he assumed his position when he was still in diapers. Of course, he wouldn't stay in Tibet for long due to the rise of Chinese who forced him to flee to India.

Of course, unlike many of the celebrities on this list, he assumed his position when he was still in diapers. Of course, he wouldn’t stay in Tibet for long due to the rise of Chinese who forced him to flee to India.

38. Miley Cyrus

Sorry I couldn't find a baby picture of her on a wrecking ball, which would've been so adorable. Still, this is as close as I could get.

Sorry I couldn’t find a baby picture of her on a wrecking ball, which would’ve been so adorable. Still, this is as close as I could get.

39. F. Scott Fitzgerald

Some of you may not know who he is. But this little boy would go on to write The Great Gatsby, a book a lot of teenagers are required to read in high school. He was also a drunk and had a crazy wife.

Some of you may not know who he is. But this little boy would go on to write The Great Gatsby, a book a lot of teenagers are required to read in high school. He was also a drunk and had a crazy wife. Oh, and he’s played by Loki in Midnight in Paris.

40. Stephen Hawking

Yes, this is the world famous physicist Stephen Hawking. Of course, at this point he got to do a lot of things on his own that he wouldn't be able to do later in life like crawling. Still, he's probably not capable of solving complex physics problems, yet.

Yes, this is the world famous physicist Stephen Hawking. Of course, at this point he got to do a lot of things on his own that he wouldn’t be able to do later in life like crawling. Still, he’s probably not capable of solving complex physics problems, yet.

41. Lucille Ball

Of course, you'll remember her for being in a 1950s sitcom as being married to Ricky. But once she kicked Desi Arnaz out for being a creep, she assumed control over their production company which helped put on a lot of classic shows. One of these would be Star Trek.

Of course, you’ll remember her for being in a 1950s sitcom as being married to Ricky. But once she kicked Desi Arnaz out for being a creep, she assumed control over their production company which helped put on a lot of classic shows. One of these would be Star Trek.

42. Jeff Bridges

Yes, the Dude high fives, apparently. Still, this is a picture of him with his dad, Lloyd. Nevertheless, even at the age of 2, he'd make his debut as Jane Greer's baby in The Company She Keeps. Still, he's the best known actor from that family.

Yes, the Dude high fives, apparently. Still, this is a picture of him with his dad, Lloyd. Nevertheless, even at the age of 2, he’d make his debut as Jane Greer’s baby in The Company She Keeps. Still, he’s the best known actor from that family.

43. Steve Martin

Seems like this little boy from Waco will soon be one of the best known celebrities today. Of course, he's said to be a hell of a banjo player and his "King Tut" song is hilarious.

Seems like this little boy from Waco will soon be one of the best known celebrities today. Of course, he’s said to be a hell of a banjo player and his “King Tut” song is hilarious.

44. Bette Davis

Now this baby girl will grow up to be one of Hollywood's foremost actresses and have big eyes. Her roles would range from ugly ducklings, spinsters, fallen women, divas, and bitches. Oh, and she'd go on to be president of the Academy of Motion Pictures and win 2 Oscars.

Now this baby girl will grow up to be one of Hollywood’s foremost actresses and have big eyes. Her roles would range from ugly ducklings, spinsters, fallen women, divas, and bitches. Oh, and she’d go on to be president of the Academy of Motion Pictures and win 2 Oscars as well as have a career that spanned nearly 5 decades.

45. Humphrey Bogart

Now his baby picture is just simply adorable. However, the adult Humphrey Bogart isn't remembered for his cuteness. In fact, he's much more appealing for his, uh, personality.

Now his baby picture is just simply adorable. However, the adult Humphrey Bogart isn’t remembered for his cuteness. In fact, he’s much more appealing for his, uh, personality.

46. Meryl Streep

Seemed to be such a smiley baby and loved puppies. Of course, she might've been quite the diva as well. Still, she'll grow up to be one of Hollywood's most illustrious actresses of all time.

Seemed to be such a smiley baby and loved puppies. Of course, she might’ve been quite the diva as well. Still, she’ll grow up to be one of Hollywood’s most illustrious actresses of all time.

47. Shirley MacLaine and Warren Beatty

You may know who Shirley MacLaine is if you've seen Downton Abbey. However, she had a little brother named Warren Beatty who was known to be the hottie of his day. He also directed Reds and is currently married to Annette Bening.

You may know who Shirley MacLaine is if you’ve seen Downton Abbey. However, she had a little brother named Warren Beatty who was known to be the hottie of his day. He also directed Reds and is currently married to Annette Bening.

48. Joan Crawford

To be fair, Joan Crawford had a rough childhood and grew up in a broken home. Of course, she would go on to have to be a big movie star as well as be seen as an abusive mother, thanks to her adoptive daughter's Mommie Dearest.

To be fair, Joan Crawford had a rough childhood and grew up in a broken home. Of course, she would go on to have to be a big movie star as well as be seen as an abusive mother, thanks to her adoptive daughter’s Mommie Dearest.

49. Leonard Nimoy

Contrary to popular belief, Nimoy was actually born to a Jewish family in Boston. Not on Vulcan to a Vulcan dad and human mom. Nevertheless, everyone will know him as Spock.

Contrary to popular belief, Nimoy was actually born to a Jewish family in Boston. Not on Vulcan to a Vulcan dad and human mom. Nevertheless, everyone will know him as Spock.

50. Vivien Leigh

Now this little girl will soon grow up to play Scarlett O'Hara from Gone with the Wind. Still, you have to love her little curls in this one. So cute.

Now this little girl will soon grow up to play Scarlett O’Hara from Gone with the Wind. Still, you have to love her little curls in this one. So cute.

51. Truman Capote

In the book, To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee describes Dill looking a lot like this (which you wouldn't pick up from the movie). Of course, there's a reason why Truman Capote was the inspiration for Dill since he and Lee would be childhood friends. However, he'd later be known for Breakfast at Tiffany's and In Cold Blood. Not to mention, he was also rather light in the loafers so to speak.

In the book, To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee describes Dill looking a lot like this (which you wouldn’t pick up from the movie). Of course, there’s a reason why Truman Capote was the inspiration for Dill since he and Lee would be childhood friends. However, he’d later be known for Breakfast at Tiffany’s and In Cold Blood. Not to mention, he was also rather light in the loafers so to speak.

52. Adrien Brody

Awwww, little Adrien is so adorable with his little button nose and his somewhat immobilizing winter clothes. Of course, his nose will actually be more aquiline and prominent when he's older. But unlike Bogie and Walken, his cuteness won't really fade. Just change form so to speak. Also, will win an Oscar for Best Actor at 29.

Awwww, little Adrien is so adorable with his little button nose and his somewhat immobilizing winter clothes. Of course, his nose will actually be more aquiline and prominent when he’s older. But unlike Bogie and Walken, his cuteness won’t really fade. Just change form so to speak. Also, will win an Oscar for Best Actor at 29 and a French Cesar before Kristen Stewart.

53. Madonna

Who knew that this little doe eyed girl would become so identified with skimpy outfits in music videos? Of course, we should also remember that Madonna is her given birth name as well.

Who knew that this little doe eyed girl would become so identified with skimpy outfits in music videos? Of course, we should also remember that Madonna is her given birth name as well.

54. Sir Laurence Olivier

Little Larry is so adorable in his sailor outfit in 1915.  Of course, he'll be one of the great British legends of stage and screen as well as known for his film performances of Shakespeare.

Little Larry is so adorable in his sailor outfit in 1915. Of course, he’ll be one of the great British legends of stage and screen as well as known for his film performances of Shakespeare.

55. Elizabeth Taylor

Now we all know this little girl will gain fame as one of Hollywood's most beautiful actresses of all time. She'd also become a alcoholic and marry 8 times, including twice to Richard Burton. But she's so adorable standing herself with the boat.

Now we all know this little girl will gain fame as one of Hollywood’s most beautiful actresses of all time. She’d also become a alcoholic and marry 8 times, including twice to Richard Burton. But she’s so adorable standing herself with the boat.

56. Frida Kahlo

Here's the future painter holding a doll with a book in its hand. Of course, because of health problems and an accident in her teenage years, Frida will be unable to have children. So she kept a bunch of monkeys instead. Not to mention, she was married to Diego Rivera.

Here’s the future painter holding a doll with a book in its hand. Of course, because of health problems and an accident in her teenage years, Frida will be unable to have children. So she kept a bunch of monkeys instead. Not to mention, she was married to Diego Rivera.

57. Queen Elizabeth II

Here is the future queen on her grandmother Queen Mary's lap. Of course, she wasn't known to be a warm and fuzzy sort. More like a kleptomaniac and a jewel collector.

Here is the future queen on her grandmother Queen Mary’s lap. Of course, she wasn’t known to be a warm and fuzzy sort. More like a kleptomaniac and a fanatic jewel collector.

58. Neil Armstrong

Seems like this little boy had a lot of great dreams ahead of him. However, I'm sure being the first man on the moon wasn't one of them.

Seems like this little boy had a lot of great dreams ahead of him. However, I’m sure being the first man on the moon wasn’t one of them. It’s possible nobody expected him to achieve that during his childhood.

59. Lyndon Baines Johnson

Yes, he may be a little cowboy in coveralls. But even then he seems to develop his distinctive features. Of course, the future president would also be known to be a colorful figure who conducted meetings in his bathroom, pulled his dick at the White House Press Corps, and holding a dog by the ears.

Yes, he may be a little cowboy in coveralls. But even then he seems to develop his distinctive features. Of course, the future president would also be known to be a colorful figure who conducted meetings in his bathroom, pulled his dick at the White House Press Corps, and holding a dog by the ears. Still, despite the political price he paid in popularity, he’s remembered as a very successful US presidents in history.

60. Pharrell Williams

Now he just looks so adorable and happy in that fro. Of course, he'd soon shave his head and start wearing an ugly looking hat.

Now he just looks so adorable and happy in that fro. Of course, he’d soon shave his head and start wearing an ugly looking hat.

61. Ozzy Osbourne

Somehow I'm not used to seeing him in a sweater, necktie, or with short hair. Of course, his speech was probably much more comprehensible back in the day. Still, doesn't seem likely to hop on the crazy train.

Somehow I’m not used to seeing him in a sweater, necktie, or with short hair. Of course, his speech was probably much more comprehensible back in the day. Still, doesn’t seem likely to hop on the crazy train.

62. Hugh Hefner

Who knew that this little squirt with blocks would soon become founder of Playboy and have a mansion full of gorgeous young women. Of course, he's one of the guys who angers die hard Christians and feminists alike.

Who knew that this little squirt with blocks would soon become founder of Playboy and have a mansion full of gorgeous young women. Of course, he’s one of the guys who angers die hard Christians and feminists alike.

64. Sir Anthony Hopkins

Sure he may have looked like an innocent schoolboy then. But let's just say, he'll be famous for playing one of the most brutal fictional serial killers of all time. You know the criminal psychologist who enjoys fine cannibalistic dining.

Sure he may have looked like an innocent schoolboy then. But let’s just say, he’ll be famous for playing one of the most brutal fictional serial killers of all time. You know the criminal psychologist who prefers to eat human flesh as gourmet meals.

64. Brad Pitt

Such a little guy and he's already sporting one of his iconic hairstyles. Still, he's just so adorable in this picture.

Such a little guy and he’s already sporting one of his iconic hairstyles. Still, he’s just so adorable in this picture.

65. Jacqueline “Jackie” Kennedy Onassis

When this little girl grows up, she's going marry John F. Kennedy and become one of the most iconic First Ladies in history. She'll also marry a Greek shipping tycoon later on as well. But now, she'd rather sit with her cute dog.

When this little girl grows up, she’s going marry John F. Kennedy and become one of the most iconic First Ladies in history. She’ll also marry a Greek shipping tycoon later on as well. But now, she’d rather sit with her cute dog.

66. Hillary Clinton

Sure she's just learned to walk but already little Hillary Rodham is hitting the campaign trail for president of her local playground. While the local toddlers may not like her, they think her opponents are either worse or stand no chance of winning.

Sure she’s just learned to walk but already little Hillary Rodham is hitting the campaign trail for president of her local playground. While the local toddlers may not like her, they think her opponents are either worse or stand no chance of winning.

67. Alice Cooper

Seems more clean cut than I usually see him as an adult. Of course, he's probably looking forward to school being out, at least for the summer.

Seems more clean cut than I usually see him as an adult. Of course, he’s probably looking forward to school being out, at least for the summer.

68. Walt Disney

Yes, that baby in a dress is the guy who will found what's now a multi-billion dollar empire of wholesomeness and whimsy. Of course, he's not much fond of Communism, Jews, or moms.

Yes, that baby in a dress is the guy who will found what’s now a multi-billion dollar empire of wholesomeness and whimsy. Of course, he’s not much fond of Communism, Jews, or moms.

69. Albert Einstein

Of course, like most young boys at the time, the future Nobel Prize winning physicist would be stuck wearing a dress in the first few years of his life. Still, he kind of looks spiffy and doesn't seem to mind.

Of course, like most young boys at the time, the future Nobel Prize winning physicist would be stuck wearing a dress in the first few years of his life. Still, he kind of looks spiffy and doesn’t seem to mind.

70. Gregory Peck

Sure he may be toddling around, but this little boy will soon become one of the hottest men in the Golden Age of Hollywood. He'd also play Atticus Finch, by the way, just so you know.

Sure he may be toddling around, but this little boy will soon become one of the hottest men in the Golden Age of Hollywood. He’d also play Atticus Finch, by the way, just so you know.

71. Gary Cooper

You can guess that this little tyke loved playing cowboys in his early life. Of course, it's prevalent that he also got frequently cast in westerns in his movie career.

You can guess that this little tyke loved playing cowboys in his early life. Of course, it’s prevalent that he also got frequently cast in westerns in his movie career.

72. Bruno Mars

Seems like he looks no different than as an adult. I mean the guy basically has the same hairstyle and everything. Just a little more pint-sized than he was as an adult.

Seems like he looks no different than as an adult. I mean the guy basically has the same hairstyle and everything. Just a little more pint-sized than he was as an adult.

73. Sean Connery

Seems like this sweet boy is destined to become a little heartbreaker as 007. But now he just wants to hug his puppy.

Seems like this sweet boy is destined to become a little heartbreaker as 007. But now he just wants to hug his little puppy.

74. Kevin Spacey

Seems like someone just can't wait to unwrap their Christmas presents. Of course, this cuteness wouldn't last so he can work its magic on House of Cards.

Seems like someone just can’t wait to unwrap their Christmas presents. Of course, this cuteness wouldn’t last so he can work its magic on House of Cards.

75. Orson Welles

Such a cute kid in his little winter outfit. Of course, he won't be so adorable once he gets older and fatter. In fact, he'll get quite grotesque. Still, his movie Citizen Kane will be a masterpiece in cinema.

Such a cute kid in his little winter outfit. Of course, he won’t be so adorable once he gets older and fatter. In fact, he’ll get quite grotesque. Still, his movie Citizen Kane will be a masterpiece in cinema.

76. James Dean

Sure he may be tiny, but this little boy will soon appear in movies like East of Eden, Rebel Without a Cause, and Giant. After that, he'd die in a car crash at 24.

Sure he may be tiny, but this little boy will soon appear in movies like East of Eden, Rebel Without a Cause, and Giant. After that, he’d die in a car crash at 24.

77. Martin Luther King Jr.

I'm sure this little boy has a dream, but you won't hear of it until 1963 during the March on Washington. Still, the future civil rights leader is quite adorable in this photo.

I’m sure this little boy has a dream, but you won’t hear of it until 1963 during the March on Washington. Still, the future civil rights leader is quite adorable in this photo.

78. Jimmy Stewart

Now isn't this little guy handsome? Of course, he's adorable in his little outfit. Nevertheless, this boy from Indiana, Pennsylvania will grow up to play George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life as well as obtain the rank of Major General in the Air Force Reserve.

Now isn’t this little guy handsome? Of course, he’s adorable in his little outfit. Nevertheless, this boy from Indiana, Pennsylvania will grow up to play George Bailey from It’s a Wonderful Life as well as obtain the rank of Major General in the Air Force Reserve.

79. Katharine Hepburn

Now she's just so adorable with her cute haircut and freckles. Of course, she'll go on to win 4 Oscars and have an affair with Spencer Tracy.

Now she’s just so adorable with her cute haircut and freckles. Of course, she’ll go on to win 4 Oscars and have an affair with Spencer Tracy.

80. Bill Clinton

Yes, little Bill looks so handsome in his suit and coat. And I'm sure he loves the ladies and the ladies love him. Of course, that would soon come back to bite him when he's an adult.

Yes, little Bill looks so handsome in his suit and coat. And I’m sure he loves the ladies and the ladies love him. Of course, that would soon come back to bite him when he’s an adult.

81. Antonio Banderas

Now this baby seems so cute in his little cap. Of course, he doesn't seem to be a happy in this photo. Then again, he'll go on to do the voice of Puss in Boots.

Now this baby seems so cute in his little cap. Of course, he doesn’t seem to be a happy in this photo. Then again, he’ll go on to do the voice of Puss in Boots.

82. James Earl Jones

Somehow it's hard to believe that this kid will later become famous for his deep and sonorous voice. For many he'd be best known for voicing Darth Vader and Mufasa.

Somehow it’s hard to believe that this kid will later become famous for his deep and sonorous voice. For many he’d be best known for voicing Darth Vader and Mufasa.

83. Lauren Bacall

Seems like baby Betty Joan Perske just wants to lounge around in her stroller. She also seems so snug and warm in her little woolen cap. Meanwhile her future husband is probably on his stage career at this point, given it was the 1920s.

Seems like baby Betty Joan Perske just wants to lounge around in her stroller. She also seems so snug and warm in her little woolen cap. Meanwhile her future husband is probably on his stage career at this point, given it was the 1920s.

84. Pope Francis

You don't think of your future pontiff from Argentina as a schoolboy don't you? Of course, he also seems to sport elf or goblin ears.

You don’t think of your future pontiff from Argentina as a schoolboy don’t you? Of course, he also seems to sport elf or goblin ears, too.

85. Carl Sagan

Of course, we all know that the stars and the universe are in his future. Well, as far as the PBS documentary Cosmos is concerned for the 1980s. Still, he's pretty adorable so to speak.

Of course, we all know that the stars and the universe are in his future. Well, as far as the PBS documentary Cosmos is concerned for the 1980s. Still, he’s pretty adorable so to speak.

86. Peter Cushing

Hard to believe that this curly haired toddler would grow up to play Van Helsing, Dr. Whoi as well as bitch slap Darth Vader. Of course, you have to wonder whether his mother wanted him to be a girl in that get up.

Hard to believe that this curly haired toddler would grow up to play Van Helsing, Dr. Whoi as well as bitch slap Darth Vader. Of course, you have to wonder whether his mother wanted him to be a girl in that get up.

87. Theodore Roosevelt

Yes, this is Teddy Roosevelt. I'm sure he's toilet trained by this point since he's wearing pants. But as soon as he overcame childhood health problems, he'd soon be open to writing books, going on adventures, and running for office.

Yes, this is Teddy Roosevelt. I’m sure he’s toilet trained by this point since he’s wearing pants. But as soon as he overcame childhood health problems, he’d soon be open to writing books, going on adventures, and running for office. Not to mention, being a badass president and having a badass family.

88. Beatrix Potter

Best known for writing The Tale of Peter Rabbit and other stories you've probably heard during your childhood. Still, I'm sure she's not a wizard or related to Harry Potter for that matter.

Best known for writing The Tale of Peter Rabbit and other stories you’ve probably heard during your childhood. Still, I’m sure she’s not a wizard or related to Harry Potter for that matter.

89. Michael Douglas

Seems like someone wants to shave like his daddy, Kirk Douglas (who'd later play Spartacus). Still, I'm sure little Michael is bound up to grow up looking just like him (sans the distinctive voice and dimple chin).

Seems like someone wants to shave like his daddy, Kirk Douglas (who’d later play Spartacus). Still, I’m sure little Michael is bound up to grow up looking just like him (sans the distinctive voice and dimple chin).

90. Katie Perry

Yes, she's simply adorable in her little sailor dress and cute haircut. However, you wouldn't say the same if she was wearing a similar outfit when she got older. You know how the press talks about the way she dresses in her music videos.

Yes, she’s simply adorable in her little sailor dress and cute haircut. However, you wouldn’t say the same if she was wearing a similar outfit when she got older. You know how the press talks about the way she dresses in her music videos.

91. Eminem

Never expected Eminem to be a ginger. Of course, I never thought I'd see a picture of him wearing plaid either. Still, he had a pretty crappy childhood though.

Never expected Eminem to be a ginger. Of course, I never thought I’d see a picture of him wearing plaid either. Still, he had a pretty crappy childhood though.

92. Princess Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge

Here we see the future princess climbing a rock in her pigtails. Of course, when her prince comes, little would she know that he'd be an actual prince. Prince William, anyway.

Here we see the future princess Kate Middleton climbing a rock in her pigtails. Of course, when her prince comes, little would she know that he’d be an actual prince. Prince William, anyway.

93. Robert Downey Jr.

At this point, he's at the age when he's probably learning how to read from Iron Man. However, after cleaning up his drug habit which almost wrecked his career, he would soon play him.

At this point, he’s at the age when he’s probably learning how to read from Iron Man. However, after cleaning up his drug habit which almost wrecked his career, he would soon play him.

94. Beyonce Knowles

For some reason, she reminds me of a little Cabbage Patch kid in this picture. Must be the hair. Then again, she's much cuter than a Cabbage Patch kid anyway.

For some reason, she reminds me of a little Cabbage Patch kid in this picture. Must be the hair. Then again, she’s much cuter than a Cabbage Patch kid anyway.

95. Buster Keaton

Before his movie career, little Buster would begin his time in show business with his vaudevillian parents which usually consisted of comedy sketches. He'd often wear a deadpan expression on his face during the acts. As a young man, he'd achieve fame as one of the great comedians of the silent era.

Before his movie career, little Buster would begin his time in show business with his vaudevillian parents which usually consisted of comedy sketches. He’d often wear a deadpan expression on his face during the acts. As a young man, he’d achieve fame as one of the great comedians of the silent era.

96. Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Of course, seeing the kid in dress and long hair, some of you might think this would be Eleanor. But you'd be wrong. This is FDR as a baby with his father James. Besides, Eleanor's dad Elliot was a much younger man as well as a womanizing drunk.

Of course, seeing the kid in dress and long hair, some of you might think this would be Eleanor. But you’d be wrong. This is FDR as a baby with his father James. He was doted and loved on by both his parents, but especially his mom (to Eleanor’s distress, no doubt). And yes, babies were dressed like that back then. Besides, Eleanor’s dad Elliot was a much younger man as well as a womanizing drunk.

97. Henri Toulouse-Lautrec

Of course, since his aristocratic parents were first cousins with a family history of inbreeding, he would be suspect with cogenital health problems throughout his life. Of course, these stunted his growth as well during adolescence and he'd also be known for his short stature. But at least he liked to draw and became a painter, anyway.

Of course, since his aristocratic parents were first cousins with a family history of inbreeding, he would be suspect with cogenital health problems throughout his life. Of course, these stunted his growth as well during adolescence and he’d also be known for his short stature. But at least he liked to draw and became a painter, anyway.

98. Eleanor Roosevelt

Now this is Eleanor Roosevelt. Of course, unlike her husband, she had a wretched childhood with losing her parents at a young age and living in her grandma's house starved for affection. Still, at least she was able to assert her self-confidence during finishing school (or high school).

Now this is Eleanor Roosevelt. Of course, unlike her husband, she had a wretched childhood with losing her parents at a young age and living in her grandma’s house starved for affection. Still, at least she was able to assert her self-confidence during finishing school (or high school).

99. Alfred Hitchcock

"Good evening. I'm afraid I have some terrible news  tonight because I just soiled my pants. Now I have to cry it all out before my mother could change me with a new diaper. Will she succeed?" Still, even as a baby, you can still tell that it's the master of suspense.

“Good evening. I’m afraid I have some terrible news tonight because I just soiled my pants. Now I have to cry it all out before my mother could secure me a new diaper.” Still, even as a baby, you can still tell that it’s the master of suspense.

100. Winston Churchill

This is the future British prime minister when he was about 6 or 7 years old. But even then he seems to strike the pose of a British gentlemen. But since his dad wasn't the oldest son in a noble family, he had to strike it on his own. His parents were also kind of neglectful with his American mother being quite a slut.

This is the future British prime minister when he was about 6 or 7 years old. But even then he seems to strike the pose of a British gentlemen. But since his dad wasn’t the oldest son in a noble family, he had to strike it on his own. His parents were also kind of neglectful with his American mother being quite a slut.

The Strange Table World of Salt and Pepper Shakers

salt-pepper-shakers

For some, salt and pepper shakers are just vessels for two basic condiments on the dinner table. For others, they’re collectibles. As a volunteer at West Overton, I recorded a lot of these in a Microsoft Excel worksheet along with their other items. Initially people only extracted salt and pepper from bowls or containers until shakers came out in the 1920s. But they’ve really became popular during the Depression. Nevertheless, salt and pepper shakers have come in a lot of matching sets in all shapes and sizes. They even have two salt and pepper shaker museums. In this post, I’ll try to give you a glimpse of all the salt and pepper shakers out there. You have ones pertaining to pop culture. You have ones that might be in poor taste and wouldn’t want to put on the kids’ table. And you have ones that need to be seen to be believed. But you see salt and pepper shakers as souvenirs, gifts, decorations, and what not. So without further adieu, may I present to you to the crazy table world of salt and pepper shakers. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work.

  1. Before you say grace, perhaps you can hold your condiments in shakers praying for the Lord.
Also, they come in 3 colors so you can praise Lord through your condiment holders however you like. Nevertheless, I think I'll take a pass on these.

Also, they come in 3 colors so you can praise Lord through your condiment holders however you like. Nevertheless, I think I’ll take a pass on these. I mean no disembodied praying hands are going on my table.

2. For all you Star Wars fans out there, grace your table with a Stormtrooper and Darth Vader shakers.

Of course, remember that your pepper will turn to the dark side. Also, when you use the salt, it won't go on your food.

Of course, remember that your pepper will turn to the dark side. Also, when you use the salt, it won’t go on your food.

3. Remember the salt and pepper packs you get at restaurants. Now someone has made a larger home version of these.

Unlike the ones you get in a restaurant, they're not disposable and are made from plastic. Still, pretty clever if you think about it.

Unlike the ones you get in a restaurant, they’re not disposable and are made from plastic. Still, pretty clever if you think about it.

4. These bottle salt and pepper shakers are fashioned into an ice bucket cruet like you see champagne.

Of course, the ice bucket is fake and won't melt. However, I'm not sure if I'd want an arrangement like this on my table. I mean they look tacky.

Of course, the ice bucket is fake and won’t melt. However, I’m not sure if I’d want an arrangement like this on my table. I mean they look tacky.

5. It’s said that these grenade salt and pepper shakers really give you a taste explosion.

Now I don't know what to think of this. In fact, I'd be afraid to pull the pins on these for fear they may explode. I really don't want to be salt or pepper bombed.

Now I don’t know what to think of this. In fact, I’d be afraid to pull the pins on these for fear they may explode. I really don’t want to be salt or pepper bombed.

6. For some people salt and pepper is as different as a hula dancer fork and spoon.

Of course, they might've went with knife, but too many people saw it as a weapon. Still, why they're wearing grass skirts and waving their arms funny, I have no idea.

Of course, they might’ve went with knife, but too many people saw it as a weapon. Still, why they’re wearing grass skirts and waving their arms funny, I have no idea.

7. On this grill cruet, you can pour your salt and pepper from a hotdog and hamburger.

Now I know we put salt and pepper on hotdogs and hamburgers. But for some reason this is ridiculous and tacky. Not sure how it would work out at a barbecue.

Now I know we put salt and pepper on hotdogs and hamburgers. But for some reason this is ridiculous and tacky. Not sure how it would work out at a barbecue.

8. Of course, you can’t make a great table for your guests without a salt and pepper shaker of Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead.

Unlike the toys, you can't take off their parts. Not to mention, they aren't made from plastic. Nevertheless, anyone who's a fan of Toy Story will love them.

Unlike the toys, you can’t take off their parts. Not to mention, they aren’t made from plastic. Nevertheless, anyone who’s a fan of Toy Story will love them.

9. Of course, you’d never know that these aren’t cigarettes at first glance.

Of course, I wouldn't recommend using these salt and pepper shakers for a cocktail party. Besides, I'm not sure about using an ashtray cruet. I mean that's crazy.

Of course, I wouldn’t recommend using these salt and pepper shakers for a cocktail party. Besides, I’m not sure about using an ashtray cruet. I mean that’s crazy.

10. Since you might have a matching stove and fridge, why not have your condiments match?

Now together they say,

Now together they say, “Dinner is ready…when the smoke alarm goes off!” Then again, I’m not sure about having a salt and pepper shaker of a stove and fridge. Even if they are the same color of the stove and fridge.

11. Of course, these shells will keep your salt and pepper safe from harm.

Now they're said to be grenades. However, I know what a grenade looks like. And these resemble either bullets or something you stuff inside some artillery piece.

Now they’re said to be grenades. However, I know what a grenade looks like. And these resemble either bullets or something you stuff inside some artillery piece.

12. For those who adore the adorable polar creatures or March of the Penguins, here is a lovely penguin pair for your table.

Of course, you can't tell which of these is male or female. Then again, the one with the baby is probably the dad. They're usually the ones who hatch the chick while the mom goes off to the sea to eat.

Of course, you can’t tell which of these is male or female. Then again, the one with the baby is probably the dad. They’re usually the ones who hatch the chick while the mom goes off to the sea to eat.

13. If you love pugs and tacky sweaters, I’m sure these pug salt and pepper shakers will strike your fancy.

Now I think these might be just the thing for some  pug lover who doesn't have much taste in interior decorating. Also those dog sweaters are atrocious. Still, it has its own unique charm.

Now I think these might be just the thing for some pug lover who doesn’t have much taste in interior decorating. Also those dog sweaters are atrocious. Still, it has its own unique charm.

14. Now for those working in chemistry, these flask condiment containers will do quite nicely.

Wouldn't be surprised if you saw such a set on someone's table on The Big Bang Theory. Do like the cork stoppers on these though.

Wouldn’t be surprised if you saw such a set on someone’s table on The Big Bang Theory. Do like the cork stoppers on these though.

15. Those who love Pepe le Pew will love this salt and pepper set with his cherie.

Of course, her name is more likely Penelope, not salt. However, Pepe should really get the memo that she's a cat, not a skunk. But who cares?

Of course, her name is more likely Penelope, not salt. However, Pepe should really get the memo that she’s a cat, not a skunk. But who cares?

16. Now with salt and pepper shakers like these, I’d suspect the owner must be from Florida.

Now I guess the pink flamingo is the salt and the red one's the pepper. Nevertheless, they're about as tacky as the lawn ornaments they imitate.

Now I guess the pink flamingo is the salt and the red one’s the pepper. Nevertheless, they’re about as tacky as the lawn ornaments they imitate.

17. Now these kitty shakers have the salt and pepper come out from their rear ends.

Now I wonder why they'd have holes in their butts. Kind of seems a little in bad taste. Still, they seem to be quite cute from what I could see of them.

Now I wonder why they’d have holes in their butts. Kind of seems a little in bad taste. Still, they seem to be quite cute from what I could see of them.

18. Dinner time isn’t the same without these dancing devil ballerinas.

Yes, they may be as evil as they come. But they seem so very light on their feet. Also, love their pronged forks.

Yes, they may be as evil as they come. But they seem so very light on their feet. Also, love their pronged forks.

19. As a rule, Her Royal Majesty the Queen always has to stand by her grenadier guard.

Of course, the guards always have to be very still and not smile. Still, looking at these makes me want to do my Monty Python pepperpot voice.

Of course, the guards always have to be very still and not smile. Still, looking at these makes me want to do my Monty Python pepperpot voice.

20. Hey, what the hell are those giant flies doing here?

Oh, they're salt and pepper shakers. Nevertheless, I'm not sure why anyone would want them on their table. I mean they're quite freaky.

Oh, they’re salt and pepper shakers. Nevertheless, I’m not sure why anyone would want them on their table. I mean they’re quite freaky.

21. In vampire love, it always starts with love at first bite.

I bet he's trying to suck some blood from her neck. And she seems to enjoy it. However, it's still a better vampire love story than Twilight. At least these make a more interesting couple.

I bet he’s trying to suck some blood from her neck. And she seems to enjoy it. However, it’s still a better vampire love story than Twilight. At least these make a more interesting couple.

22. Of course, you can’t serve dinner without having a couple of Chinamen salt and pepper shakers on your table.

I know this is supposed to be of a Chinese couple because of the guy's hairstyle which was mandatory during the Ching dynasty. Nevertheless, these are depicted in a rather racist caricature. Yeah, wouldn't be the kind you want to show to your Chinese neighbors.

I know this is supposed to be of a Chinese couple because of the guy’s hairstyle which was mandatory during the Ching dynasty. Nevertheless, these are depicted in a rather racist caricature. Yeah, wouldn’t be the kind you want to show to your Chinese neighbors.

23. Of course, it’s always easy to tell a good witch from a bad witch.

Now I hate to say this but this set up looks rather stereotypical. I mean good witches don't always wear white and are blond. Bad witches aren't always green and wear black.

Now I hate to say this but this set up looks rather stereotypical. I mean good witches don’t always wear white and are blond. Bad witches aren’t always green and wear black.

24. Of course, salt and pepper shakers like these will immerse your table in sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll.

Yes, all they want is peace and love. But I'm sure they wouldn't be able to see how shitty things were at Woodstock. Well, the music was good but the accommodations were unbearable.

Yes, all they want is peace and love. But I’m sure they wouldn’t be able to see how shitty things were at Woodstock. Well, the music was good but the accommodations were unbearable.

25. Now this salt and pepper shakers are made courtesy of New Orleans.

Okay, I don't know about you. But these two seem to be rather racist caricatures. Seem like they're done in a style you'd find akin to lawn jockeys. Yeah, as a white person, I wouldn't want to be caught with these two.

Okay, I don’t know about you. But these two seem to be rather racist caricatures. Seem like they’re done in a style you’d find akin to lawn jockeys. Yeah, as a white person, I wouldn’t want to be caught dead with these two in my possession.

26. Seems like Ms. Pickle and Ms. Tomato love to make music together.

Seems that Ms. Pickle is on vocals while Ms. Tomato is on lyre. Still, I love the matching outfits on these two.

Seems that Ms. Pickle is on vocals while Ms. Tomato is on lyre. Still, I love the matching outfits on these two.

27. Seems that Mr. Onion and Mr. Artichoke are tennis buddies.

However, I'm sure Mr. Onion cries every time Mr. Artichoke scores. Nevertheless, they both have layers you're not sure you'd want to peel off.

However, I’m sure Mr. Onion cries every time Mr. Artichoke scores. Nevertheless, they both have layers you’re not sure you’d want to peel off.

28. A nun’s habit depends on its color. Judge wisely.

Let's just say I don't think either habit is bad. Just different. Then again, I might not say the same about personality.

Let’s just say I don’t think either habit is bad. Just different. Then again, I might not say the same about personality.

29. You can’t have a biblical feast without salt and pepper shakers of Adam and Eve.

Sure Adam and Eve may look cute in this. But somehow I feel this is somewhat borderline inappropriate for a kiddie table. Not sure why. Oh, wait, they're naked.

Sure Adam and Eve may look cute in this. But somehow I feel this is somewhat borderline inappropriate for a kiddie table. Not sure why. Oh, wait, they’re naked. Talk about making original sin looking adorable.

30. Sorry, Rover, only salt and pepper coming from these bones.

Yes, I'm sure Rover wouldn't want to bury these in the yard. And if he does, then he's bound to be in deep trouble. Also if he chews on them, too.

Yes, I’m sure Rover wouldn’t want to bury these in the yard. And if he does, then he’s bound to be in deep trouble. Also if he chews on them, too.

31. Seems like someone at this table is busted.

Well, at least the good thing about this cops and robbers salt and pepper shaker is that they're both of the same race. Let's just say if the robber had darker skin, you could have some unfortunate implications.

Well, at least the good thing about this cops and robbers salt and pepper shaker is that they’re both of the same race. Let’s just say if the robber had darker skin, you could have some unfortunate implications.

32. These two Smokeys say that only you can prevent forest fires. Courtesy of the National Park Service.

Of course, one Smokey has the bucket while the other has the shovel. Hope the bear has good use for the shovel because it can be a rather deadly weapon.

Of course, one Smokey has the bucket while the other has the shovel. Hope the bear has good use for the shovel because it can be a rather deadly weapon.

33. Seems like bread from this toaster comes out two ways: white or burnt.

Still, I wonder what guests would think if you put this cruet on the table. They might wonder if you're crazy. Well, that is until they see that the bread slices are made from plastic and have holes in them.

Still, I wonder what guests would think if you put this cruet on the table. They might wonder if you’re crazy. Well, that is until they see that the bread slices are made from plastic and have holes in them.

34. Oh, my God, there are giant ants at our picnic!

Relax, those are salt and pepper shakers, not live mutants. Still, I'm not sure if I'd want to put them on a picnic table. They kind of look freaky for the most part.

Relax, those are salt and pepper shakers, not live mutants. Still, I’m not sure if I’d want to put them on a picnic table. They kind of look freaky for the most part.

35. Of course, bachelor pad can’t do without a cruet of a big boobed topless woman.

Actually he can. Really. Still, such condiment arrangement is bound to make dinnertime awkward. Except possibly in the Playboy mansion.

Actually he can. Really. Still, such condiment arrangement is bound to make dinnertime awkward. Except possibly in the Playboy mansion.

36. Of course, many people might think the idea of having a salt and pepper shaker depicting a kewpie on the toilet cute.

Now I wouldn't want to see either of these on the dinner table. I mean that's just tacky in my opinion. Seriously, why?

Now I wouldn’t want to see either of these on the dinner table. I mean that’s just tacky in my opinion. Seriously, why?

37. Presenting to you all, I give you butt shakers.

Now not only does this look rather inappropriate and out of proportion. It also kind of reminds me of a piece you see on the male anatomy. But I'm keeping myself mum on this.

Now not only does this look rather inappropriate and out of proportion. It also kind of reminds me of a piece you see on the male anatomy. But I’m keeping myself mum on this.

38. Now this salt and pepper shaker set is fit for Picasso’s dinner table.

Well, at least these two fit together. However, I doubt these were made by Picasso. And they'd probably wouldn't be on his table. However, they were probably inspired by his art.

Well, at least these two fit together. However, I doubt these were made by Picasso. And they’d probably wouldn’t be on his table. However, they were probably inspired by his art.

39. Of course, if you want to throw a really fancy dinner, then you must have fancy salt and pepper shakers to go with it.

This is the Salieria piece by Benvenuto Cellini. It was made in the 19th century. However, unlike most of the pieces on here, it's a museum piece, and therefore, not for sale.

This is the Salieria piece by Benvenuto Cellini. It was made in the 19th century. However, unlike most of the pieces on here, it’s a museum piece, and therefore, not for sale.

40. Would you want your dinner served by Mr. S. Dolphin or Mr. P. Shark.

Of course, dolphins are porpoises. Thus, I think dolphin should be pepper while shark should be salt. Then again, I do love their tuxedo waiter outfits.

Of course, dolphins are porpoises. Thus, I think dolphin should be pepper while shark should be salt. Then again, I do love their tuxedo waiter outfits.

41. Nothing graces your dinner table like salt and pepper shakers depicting a baby doll’s head.

Okay, now there's no way in hell I think anyone should put these on their table. Seriously, they're going to make your guests think that there's something wrong with you. Like you're Hannibal Lecter.

Okay, now there’s no way in hell I think anyone should put these on their table. Seriously, they’re going to make your guests think that there’s something wrong with you. Like you’re Hannibal Lecter.

42. Of course, you can always put your salt and pepper in paint tubes.

That is, unless you have paint tubes that might read Saffron and Persian Red. Then there might be some confusion.

That is, unless you have paint tubes that might read Saffron and Persian Red. Then there might be some confusion.

43. When it comes to dachshunds, it all has to come out somewhere.

Now I'm sure people might find wiener dogs cute. But I'm not sure whether these salt and pepper shakers are among the best in table decor.

Now I’m sure people might find wiener dogs cute. But I’m not sure whether these salt and pepper shakers are among the best in table decor.

44. Out of the goodness of their hearts, I’m sure Brother Simon and Brother Peter will bless your meals.

Love how these monks seem to look the same and how their holes are used as facial features. Kind of look like they're singing a chant. But I'm sure they're on a vow of silence.

Love how these monks seem to look the same and how their holes are used as facial features. Kind of look like they’re singing a chant. But I’m sure they’re on a vow of silence.

45. Press S for salt and P for pepper. It’s easy.

Now I'm sure these are still in the packaging. However, they're keyboard keys so I'll allow it.

Now I’m sure these are still in the packaging. However, they’re keyboard keys so I’ll allow it. Still, not sure what they’d look outside the box.

46. In this bowling cruet, the ball sits between two pins.

And I'm sure the pins contain the salt and pepper. I'm not sure about the bowling ball though. Might just be for decoration.

And I’m sure the pins contain the salt and pepper. I’m not sure about the bowling ball though. Might just be for decoration.

47. Of course, you can’t have a monster Halloween party without some eyeballs to hold the condiments.

Now that's creepy and kind of gross. Actually it's really gross. But hey, I bet this would be a hit with the Addams family or in Halloween town.

Now that’s creepy and kind of gross. Actually it’s really gross. But hey, I bet this would be a hit with the Addams family or in Halloween town.

48. Of course, you can’t have a great dinner party without putting your condiments in rings.

Now how they get the salt and pepper in these, I will never now. Must have some sort of device to open them. Not sure how you can funnel the stuff through the holes.

Now how they get the salt and pepper in these, I will never now. Must have some sort of device to open them. Not sure how you can funnel the stuff through the holes.

49. Seems like Pa is full of piss while Ma is full of shit.

Well, these shakers have been around for a long time. And yes, they're tacky. But hey, people seem to love them despite their terrible taste.

Well, these shakers have been around for a long time. And yes, they’re tacky. But hey, people seem to love them despite their terrible taste.

50. You can always have fun in the sun with these salt and pepper shaker flip flops.

Now I'm sure they're not as cheap as real flip flops. Nor are that as destructible either even if made from ceramics. And no, you probably can't wear them on the beach or in the shower.

Now I’m sure they’re not as cheap as real flip flops. Nor are that as destructible either even if made from ceramics. And no, you probably can’t wear them on the beach or in the shower.

51. Excuse me, but can you please pass me the heroin and cocaine?

Let's just hope that you don't use these during a dinner party where a cop is present. Because the police officer might get the wrong idea. Still, why make shakers like these? Seriously.

Let’s just hope that you don’t use these during a dinner party where a cop is present. Because the police officer might get the wrong idea. Still, why make shakers like these? Seriously.

52. When it comes to whether Jesus was white or black, perhaps you might want both renditions on the dinner table.

Actually it would be fairer to say that Jesus was Middle Eastern who'd more or less have in common with the black image than the white one. Of course, he also had short hair as most men in 1st century Palestine.

Actually it would be fairer to say that Jesus was Middle Eastern who’d more or less have in common with the black image than the white one. Of course, he also had short hair as most men in 1st century Palestine.

53. Guess salt has the whiskers and the pepper has the mustache.

Yes, these are LEGO head salt and pepper shakers. I'm sure they shouldn't be played with. But they do look cool, though.

Yes, these are LEGO head salt and pepper shakers. I’m sure they shouldn’t be played with. But they do look cool, though.

54. Nothing makes dinner better than putting your salt and pepper in llama heads.

Not sure of what some people might think of these. However, I kind of find them amusing and somewhat creepy.  Have no idea what the appeal among llamas is these days though.

Not sure of what some people might think of these. However, I kind of find them amusing and somewhat creepy. Have no idea what the appeal among llamas is these days though.

55. With salt and pepper shakers like these, I’m utterly stumped.

Okay, they may be logs. But I'm sure they're not made from wood even though they sure look like it. Then again, maybe they are. I can't tell.

Okay, they may be logs. But I’m sure they’re not made from wood even though they sure look like it. Then again, maybe they are. I can’t tell.

56. Why choose between Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the White when you can have both at your second breakfast table.

Because both can be rather equally badass. I mean Gandalf the Gray says, "You shall not pass!" Also, Gandalf the White has a pretty cool horse and staff. Then again, Gandalf the Gray rocks in his wizard hat.

Because both can be rather equally badass. I mean Gandalf the Gray says, “You shall not pass!” Also, Gandalf the White has a pretty cool horse and staff. Then again, Gandalf the Gray rocks in his wizard hat.

57. Nothing graces your garden party table like a cruet of a mooning gnome.

Now it's one thing to have a mooning gnome in your garden. But it's another thing to have one on your dinner table. Not sure which is worse.

Now it’s one thing to have a mooning gnome in your garden. But it’s another thing to have one on your dinner table. Not sure which is worse.

58. Of course, no hunting lodge table would be complete without these gamey condiment containers.

Now I guess salt is moose and pepper is deer. However, what they're used to flavor depends on where you live in North America.

Now I guess salt is moose and pepper is deer. However, what they’re used to flavor depends on where you live in North America.

59. At dinner, you can’t ignore these cute ninja salt and pepper shakers on the table.

Yes, these were adorable. But real ninjas usually didn't dress this way and were usually spies. Oh, and they tended to improvise when it came to weapons.

Yes, these were adorable. But real ninjas usually didn’t dress this way and were usually spies. Oh, and they tended to improvise when it came to weapons.

60. Now these film canister shakers seem so picture perfect.

However, if you're not using a digital camera, remember that you not mistake them for your real film canisters. Luckily they're probably much bigger than the real things.

However, if you’re not using a digital camera, remember that you not mistake them for your real film canisters. Luckily they’re probably much bigger than the real things.

61. Of course, these skulls are sure to lighten up a dead audience. Or maybe not.

Not sure if these would be good for reciting Hamlet's "Alas poor Yorick," but they might do. Still, some people might find skull  shakers a bit disturbing or creepy.

Not sure if these would be good for reciting Hamlet’s “Alas poor Yorick,” but they might do. Still, some people might find skull shakers a bit disturbing or creepy.

62. Of course, why not salt and pepper your meal with pee and poop?

Still, despite their cute faces, they're kind of disgusting if you think about it. Seriously, some people might find these in very poor taste indeed.

Still, despite their cute faces, they’re kind of disgusting if you think about it. Seriously, some people might find these in very poor taste indeed. Also, might crush a few appetites in the process.

63. With shakers like these, they will be a nice gift for any school teacher or co-worker at the office.

Well, at least you know where you can refill them. But I'm sure you can't use the pink parts as erasers.

Well, at least you know where you can refill them. But I’m sure you can’t use the pink parts as erasers.

64. Hey, I didn’t know they had unicorns in two different colors.

I'm sure your guests would love these graceful shakers on your table. If not, then they'll certainly make a fine conversation piece.

I’m sure your guests would love these graceful shakers on your table. If not, then they’ll certainly make a fine conversation piece.

65. These battery shakers have indicators that remind you when to refill.

And it seems that they've been used quite a bit since they're both half filled. Of course, it's apparent that they may soon run out of juice if used often enough.

And it seems that they’ve been used quite a bit since they’re both half filled. Of course, it’s apparent that they may soon run out of juice if used often enough.

66. Nothing makes a great addition to the dinner table than having your condiments in disembodied baby arms.

As if baby head salt and pepper shakers weren't disturbing enough. Granted they were derived from doll parts, but still.

As if baby head salt and pepper shakers weren’t disturbing enough. Granted they were derived from doll parts, but still.

67. Your dinner table is never complete without salt and pepper shakers derived from severed baby legs.

Now that's disgusting. Seriously, who the hell designs these things. And why would anyone want such demented stuff on their table? People might think you're a serial killer.

Now that’s disgusting. Seriously, who the hell designs these things. And why would anyone want such demented stuff on their table? People might think you’re a serial killer.

68. Of course, these salt and pepper shakers will bring the ornate sense of wonder from the Middle East to your dinner table.

Then again, these might perpetuate some Arab and Muslim stereotypes though. Yes, people still dress like that there, but not everyone. Also, I'm sure women can show their faces in most Middle East countries even if they can't show their hair.

Then again, these might perpetuate some Arab and Muslim stereotypes though. Yes, people still dress like that there, but not everyone. Also, I’m sure women can show their faces in most Middle East countries even if they can’t show their hair.

69. Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.

Nevertheless, they kind of divided the group into shakers between the ones who are dead and the ones who are still alive. Of course, this is the Fab Four in their early years.

Nevertheless, they kind of divided the group into shakers between the ones who are dead and the ones who are still alive. Of course, this is the Fab Four in their early years.

70. May this medieval cruet make a fine royal and holy addition to your table.

Actually this set looks as if it was either made by somebody or bought from a Renaissance Faire. Either way, doesn't look like the condiment set people in the Middle Ages would use. Still, love the crowns though.

Actually this set looks as if it was either made by somebody or bought from a Renaissance Faire. Either way, doesn’t look like the condiment set people in the Middle Ages would use. Still, love the crowns though.

71. Nothing makes a table look better than squirrel salt and pepper shakers.

Now I'm sure squirrel shakers might look cute if they consisted of the whole animal. However, these only consist of their heads which is kind of terrifying.

Now I’m sure squirrel shakers might look cute if they consisted of the whole animal. However, these only consist of their heads which is kind of terrifying.

72. Of course, Spock wouldn’t think these kind of shakers would be logical.

Yes, these are Star Trek salt and pepper shakers. Yes, they consist of Kirk and Spock. No, I don't know which one is which.

Yes, these are Star Trek salt and pepper shakers. Yes, they consist of Kirk and Spock. No, I don’t know which one is which.

73. I’m sure you’re summer luau will be a hit with these bongo drum shakers at your table.

Now I'm sure they'd go well not just at tiki parties but also beatnik jam sessions, too. However, not so sure if anyone would want to see them though.

Now I’m sure they’d go well not just at tiki parties but also beatnik jam sessions, too. However, not so sure if anyone would want to see them though.

74. Of course, you can’t have dinner without a place to go on.

Now I'm sure you'll find both of these in a men's room. And only one of these in the ladies' room. Still, they're probably fairly tacky for a dining room table.

Now I’m sure you’ll find both of these in a men’s room. And only one of these in the ladies’ room. Still, they’re probably fairly tacky for a dining room table.

75. Now these would be perfect for any table during road season.

Now I'm familiar with the classic orange traffic cone. However, I'm not sure if traffic cones even come in black. I mean they need to stick out so people can see them. If I were the designer, I'd go with fluorescent yellow.

Now I’m familiar with the classic orange traffic cone. However, I’m not sure if traffic cones even come in black. I mean they need to stick out so people can see them. If I were the designer, I’d go with fluorescent yellow.

76. Not sure if you want to roll these dice. You might spill something.

Yes, these are dice salt and pepper shakers. No, they aren't used for games or gambling. They're used for food.

Yes, these are dice salt and pepper shakers. No, they aren’t used for games or gambling. They’re used for food.

77. Now I wonder how these women walk with big TV screens on their heads.

It's said that they come from the Victorian Era but I highly doubt it. Still, there's something a bit either sci-fi or dystopian about them. Also, they're quite freaky, too.

It’s said that they come from the Victorian Era but I highly doubt it. Still, there’s something a bit either sci-fi or dystopian about them. Also, they’re quite freaky, too.

78. “I’m a doctor, not a pepper shaker.”

Yes, these are salt and pepper shakers of Uhura and Dr. McCoy. Yes, they're from Star Trek. One is the chief medical officer who clashes with Spock. The other is the communications officer who translates stuff and got kissed by Kirk.

Yes, these are salt and pepper shakers of Uhura and Dr. McCoy. Yes, they’re from Star Trek. One is the chief medical officer who clashes with Spock. The other is the communications officer who translates stuff and got kissed by Kirk.

79. Of course, you can’t have a super dinner without Superman and Wonder Woman.

Now I'm sure one is from the planet Krypton and the other's from an island of Amazons. Still, they're both from the DC universe and everyone wants them to be together. Also, wear stuff normal people wouldn't be caught dead in.

Now I’m sure one is from the planet Krypton and the other’s from an island of Amazons. Still, they’re both from the DC universe and everyone wants them to be together. Also, wear stuff normal people wouldn’t be caught dead in.

80. “Pepper, my dear, I don’t give a salt.”

Yes, I'm sure this is an antique set for the movie. If it was made at the time. Still, I'll put it in since Gone with the Wind is such an iconic film.

Yes, I’m sure this is an antique set for the movie. If it was made at the time. Still, I’ll put it in since Gone with the Wind is such an iconic film.

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover- Well, Most of the Time (Fourth Edition)

Since it’s summer, it’s not uncommon for children and teenagers to undergo a summer reading program at their local library. Of course, as you’ve know by the title of this post, this isn’t one in where I’d give recommendations. In fact, this is a fourth edition post on bad book covers instead. Now when a book’s published, you’d think that some people would come up with a suitable cover design to sell copies. But this isn’t always the case. As with the bad covers of classic books, you’d have to wonder whether the designer ever read the books at all. I mean they should. Still, seeing such an inappropriate cover on some classic novel might lead to you having to explain that Thomas Hardy’s Wessex Tales has absolutely nothing to do with Slash from Guns n’ Roses. Seriously, this guy died before Slash was even born. Then there are covers that feature the wrong location than the book titles clearly imply as well as ones that depict it’s from an entirely different genre. For instance, there’s a cover for Cranford that implies it’s about some type of sci-fi world when it’s really an English 19th century novel about two spinsters. And there’s a company that issues classic novels with paintings of nude women on the cover, even on titles like Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Daniel Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe. Nevertheless, without further adieu, here is another edition of book covers you can hardly believe exist. Some stuff on this post might not be safe for work.

  1. You Let Some Girl Beat You? by Ann Meyers Drysdale with John Ravenna
I hate to ask this question but isn't the title a bit sexist? I don't want to sound rude but the idea of being beaten by a girl doesn't seem to have great connotations. To put it mildly.

I hate to ask this question but isn’t the title a bit sexist? I don’t want to sound rude but the idea of being beaten by a girl doesn’t seem to have great connotations. To put it mildly.

About a female basketball player. Why this is the title I have no idea.

2. Why Do Men Have Nipples?: Hundreds of Questions You’d Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini by Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg M.D.

What's even funnier is how this is listed as a #1 New York Times bestseller. Now this makes me wonder what kind of people would be interested in this book. Then again, as to why men have nipples is a rather interesting question.

What’s even funnier is how this is listed as a #1 New York Times bestseller. Now this makes me wonder what kind of people would be interested in this book. Then again, as to why men have nipples is a rather interesting question.

Hmmm…..I guess this title indicates that this book will be full of rather interesting medical questions by drunks.

3. 50 Ways to Use Feminine Hygiene Products in a Manly Manner (for the Self-Assured Male) by B. Koz

Even funnier is how you see a guy hunting with his dog on the cover. Probably a way for the designer to show readers that this it's a book for manly men. But it begs the question on how you can use a tampon for duck hunting.

Even funnier is how you see a guy hunting with his dog on the cover. Probably a way for the designer to show readers that this it’s a book for manly men. But it begs the question on how you can use a tampon for duck hunting.

Because tampons, sanitary napkins, and menstrual cups don’t just have to be for women anymore.\

4. The Bible Cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Ancient Truths, Natural Remedies, and the Latest Findings for Your Health Today

Now how does the Bible have a cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome? I'm not sure if it even does. If it did, I'm sure it wouldn't be pleasant.  Besides, I'd rather not trust biblical medicine, for obvious reasons.

Now how does the Bible have a cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome? I’m not sure if it even does. If it did, I’m sure it wouldn’t be pleasant. Besides, I’d rather not trust biblical medicine, for obvious reasons.

Yes, treat your irritable bowel syndrome the way they did in biblical times.

5. In Praise of the Stepmother by Mario Vargas Llosa

Now it's all right to like your stepmother. And it's perfectly fine to find her attractive. But it's not okay to make out with her, touch her boobs, or have anything other than a platonic relationship with her. Seriously, who thought this image would make a great cover? That's insane!

Now it’s all right to like your stepmother. And it’s perfectly fine to find her attractive. But it’s not okay to make out with her, touch her boobs, or have anything other than a platonic relationship with her. Seriously, who thought this image would make a great cover? That’s insane!

Okay, I’m sure that’s not the way to have a relationship with your stepmother.

6. Green Light for Death by Frank Kane

Then again, people did smoke a lot in those days. Perhaps, they couldn't see the naked woman from the cloud of smoke. Or the guy with the gun. Still, not sure if cigarettes create that much smoke at any given time. Must've been a party.

Then again, people did smoke a lot in those days. Perhaps, they couldn’t see the naked woman from the cloud of smoke. Or the guy with the gun. Still, not sure if cigarettes create that much smoke at any given time. Must’ve been a party.

For some reason only the guy with the gun is paying attention to the naked lady.

7. Twilight of Briareus by Richard Cowper

I'm getting the impression that a lot of these sci-fi covers just don't make sense. Maybe it's just too many cover designers on acid. But I can't be sure.

I’m getting the impression that a lot of these sci-fi covers just don’t make sense. Maybe it’s just too many cover designers on acid. But I can’t be sure.

Man, I didn’t expect a cover with a giant perplexed space baby. Wonder where that came from.

8. The Moment of Truth by Maggie Price

She may want to save sex for marriage. But that doesn't mean that she won't reach into a guy's pants and feel around for his junk first. Yeah, this cover has very bad photo placement. I mean it suggests something more inappropriate than it's supposed to convey.

She may want to save sex for marriage. But that doesn’t mean that she won’t reach into a guy’s pants and feel around for his junk first. Yeah, this cover has very bad photo placement. I mean it suggests something more inappropriate than it’s supposed to convey.

And it seems that this woman has her hand in a guy’s pants.

9. Trixie Belden #1: The Secret of the Manison

Now I'm sure Trixie's buddy isn't trying to get into her pants but it sure looks like it. Then again, they might be experimenting with their sexuality. Yes, I'm sure people suspecting lesbianism will have fun with this.

Now I’m sure Trixie’s buddy isn’t trying to get into her pants but it sure looks like it. Then again, they might be experimenting with their sexuality. Yes, I’m sure people suspecting lesbianism will have fun with this.

And it seems that Trixie’s best friend has some secret of her own that she wouldn’t want Trixie to know. Their relationship is rather complicated.

10. The Ninety Trillion Fausts by Jack L. Chalker

Now I know this is a sci-fi book but still. Goethe manage to write a story with just one Faust in it. Why would anyone want to write with 90 trillion is beyond me.

Now I know this is a sci-fi book but still. Goethe manage to write a story with just one Faust in it. Why would anyone want to write with 90 trillion is beyond me.

Because One Big Space Devil wouldn’t work so well.

11. The Big Bernie Madoff Coloring and Activity Book by Jeff Pollack and Lane Steinberg and illustrated by Maria Villanueva

Now this is just crazy since we all know what Bernie Madoff did basically put him in jail for the rest of his life. I mean it was pretty horrible. Still, hope the kiddies enjoy activities like Cooking the Books, Pyramid Scheme, Hush Money, Take the Money and Run, and more. Seriously, this is a real book from Amazon.

Now this is just crazy since we all know what Bernie Madoff did basically put him in jail for the rest of his life. I mean it was pretty horrible. Still, hope the kiddies enjoy activities like Cooking the Books, Pyramid Scheme, Hush Money, Take the Money and Run, and more. Seriously, this is a real book from Amazon.

Now young children can enjoy how set up their own little Ponzi schemes on Wall Street from America’s #1 financial sociopath.

12. National Security Space Strategy Considerations by Rick Larned, Cathy Swan Ph.D., and Peter Swan Ph.D.

Now this is pretty bad photoshop. Not sure if having patrol cars in outer space will do the trick. But, oh well, makes a funny cover image anyway. Also makes the book hard to take seriously despite it being written by people who seem to know their stuff.

Now this is pretty bad photoshop. Not sure if having patrol cars in outer space will do the trick. But, oh well, makes a funny cover image anyway. Also makes the book hard to take seriously despite it being written by people who seem to know their stuff.

Would’ve been one of those boring documents that never seen the light of day, except for the police car with rocket blasters orbiting the earth.

13. Meanwhile Back at the Morgue by Mike Avallone

Hate to break it to you, but I'm sure the cover has the brunette on the bearskin rug looking very much alive. Then again, I'm not sure if I'd trust her either. She might be the killer for all we know.

Hate to break it to you, but I’m sure the cover has the brunette on the bearskin rug looking very much alive. Then again, I’m not sure if I’d trust her either. She might be the killer for all we know.

Can’t tell whether this is a pulp mystery or a sleazy romance novel.

14. Bumsider by C.C.MacApp

Now that's probably one of the most evil equines I've ever see. Besides, who the hell would want to title their book Bumsider? Seriously, seems like a sci-fi book taking place inside somebody's large intestine.

Now that’s probably one of the most evil equines I’ve ever see. Besides, who the hell would want to title their book Bumsider? Seriously, seems like a sci-fi book taking place inside somebody’s large intestine.

Featuring some clawing, bipedal horses if I were to see on the cover.

15. Moorcock: The Blood Red Game

Now other than the tunnel of red ghosts on the cover, I have to feel bad for the shirtless afroed Moorcock in this book.  Seems like the kind of guy who was bullied a lot in school. Yeah, that name really doesn't help him, save maybe in porn.

Now other than the tunnel of red ghosts on the cover, I have to feel bad for the shirtless afroed Moorcock in this book. Seems like the kind of guy who was bullied a lot in school. Yeah, that name really doesn’t help him, save maybe in porn.

I wonder what kind of mother would think of her teenage kid reading a book with that title which has nothing to do with porn.

16. The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkein

And it seems that Gollum keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Boy, he sure looks like hell on this cover. Still, I wonder if Bilbo Baggins should get a membership for the Ye Olde Shire Gym when he comes home.

And it seems that Gollum keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Boy, he sure looks like hell on this cover. Still, I wonder if Bilbo Baggins should get a membership for the Ye Olde Shire Gym when he comes home.

Seems like Bilbo Baggins really needs to lay off the second breakfast Egg McMuffins these days. This journey might give him the work out he needs to stave off that Type II Diabetes.

17. Wizard of Storms by Dave Van Arnam

Doesn't help that the cover features two naked guys trying to catch the wizard guy's balls. Wait a minute, did I just say that? Please, I don't want to know why.

Doesn’t help that the cover features two naked guys trying to catch the wizard guy’s balls. Wait a minute, did I just say that? Please, I don’t want to know why.

I haven’t seen such homoerotic wizardry since J.K. Rowling’s Dumbledore’s Closet.

18. The Muffin Muncher by Stephen Cosgrove and illustrated by Robin James

Unfortunately, a muffin muncher can also mean something quite a bit different from what this book implies. Let's just say I can't talk about what Urban Dictionary's definition of a muffin muncher. Except that it has absolutely nothing to do with muffins. Probably is subject to as much misinterpretation as Puff the Magic Dragon.

Unfortunately, a muffin muncher can also mean something quite a bit different from what this book implies. Let’s just say I can’t talk about what Urban Dictionary’s definition of a muffin muncher. Except that it has absolutely nothing to do with muffins. Probably is subject to as much misinterpretation as Puff the Magic Dragon.

Just another children’s book about some innocent dragon who likes muffins, right?

19. The Magical Scarecrows: A Chanukah Guessing Games and Colouring Book by Auntie Lynn Santer

Now this looks like something you'd put on a greeting card commemorating a brisk. Also, what the hell do magical scarecrows have to do with Chanukah? Then again, I'm not a Jew so I'd probably not understand these things. But when I hear about magical scarecrows, I'm more likely to think about the Wizard of Oz than anything pertaining to Judaism.

Now this looks like something you’d put on a greeting card commemorating a brisk. Also, what the hell do magical scarecrows have to do with Chanukah? Then again, I’m not a Jew so I’d probably not understand these things. But when I hear about magical scarecrows, I’m more likely to think about the Wizard of Oz than anything pertaining to Judaism.

Love to thank the Lord for a moment to give thanks that bad religious book covers aren’t just limited to Christianity.

20. Perry Rhodan der Erbe des UniversumsDie Mikro-Festung (AKA The Micro-Fortress) by K.H. Scheer and Clark Dalton

Now this is part of a famous German sci-fi series from the 1960s which has sold over a billion copies. It's the most successful sci-fi book series ever written. However, you'd think a series like this would have a better cover design. Looks like that rocket ship is has launched from Perry's pants.

Now this is part of a famous German sci-fi series from the 1960s which has sold over a billion copies. It’s the most successful sci-fi book series ever written. However, you’d think a series like this would have a better cover design. Looks like that rocket ship is has launched from Perry’s pants.

Is is just me or does it seem that there’s a rocket launching from some astronaut’s ass?

21. Godsfire by Cynthia Felice

Of course, you have to wonder about people who think that a sci-fi story set on a cat people planet could ever be taken seriously. Also, I heard their Almighty Cat God is Fluffers.

Of course, you have to wonder about people who think that a sci-fi story set on a cat people planet could ever be taken seriously. Also, I heard their Almighty Cat God is Fluffers.

Guess this sci-fi book draws inspiration from Star Wars and Cats.

22. A Serbian 8th Grade Biology Textbook

I'd especially love to see the chapter on human reproductive systems. It would be quite disappointing to find that this book says nothing about the nature of chronic menstrual cramps in African American men.     Also, I'm sure the baby on this cover is actually a child they kidnapped because of her fertility problems and his criminal record. Seriously, if you saw the movie, you'd know this.

I’d especially love to see the chapter on human reproductive systems. It would be quite disappointing to find that this book says nothing about the nature of chronic menstrual cramps in African American men. Also, I’m sure the baby on this cover is actually a child they kidnapped from some rich guy because of her fertility problems and his criminal record. Seriously, if you saw Raising Arizona, you’d know this.

Little did the Coen Brothers know that their 1980s comedy featuring child abduction, apocalyptic bikers, and Nicholas Cage would be pictured on a bio text book for 13 year olds.

23. Peggy’s Sexcess by Dan Brook

I guess that parent teacher conferences will be getting a whole lot awkward from now on. Yeah, I'm sure a skin tight bodysuit isn't allowed in the school dress code. Especially ones that expose the nipples.

I guess that parent teacher conferences will be getting a whole lot awkward from now on. Yeah, I’m sure a skin tight bodysuit isn’t allowed in the school dress code. Especially ones that expose the nipples.

“Don’t be shy, Peggy. This is your new mommy. We’re going to have so much fun together!”

24. Swords in the Mist by Fritz Leiber

I guess someone's going to be sushi tonight, and I'm sure it's not the octopus. Yeah, can't tell whether it's one of the lamest things I've seen or the coolest. And I guess there are the scantily clad purple and green girls in the background.

I guess someone’s going to be sushi tonight, and I’m sure it’s not the octopus. Yeah, can’t tell whether it’s one of the lamest things I’ve seen or the coolest. And I guess there are the scantily clad purple and green girls in the background.

Our muscular hero with a toga wedgie might be one of the best warriors of the galaxy, but can he get past the dreaded sword fighting octopus?

25. The Stray Shopping Cars of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification by Julian Montague

In the book, the author makes an elaborate system pertaining to abandoned shopping carts. From Amazon:

In the book, the author makes an elaborate system pertaining to abandoned shopping carts. From Amazon: “In The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America author Julian Montague has created an elaborate classification system of abandoned shopping carts, accompanied by photographic documentation of actual stray cart sightings. These sightings include bucolically littered locations such as the Niagara River Gorge (where many a cart has been pushed to its untimely death) and mundane settings that look suspiciously like a suburb near you. “

A must have for the homeless at bookstores everywhere.

26. Political Satire of the Whore of Babylon Biblical Revelation by R. Archer

Now I get that Hillary may not be well liked among this book's target audience. But come on, to call her the Whore of Babylon is kind of exaggerating. And I'm sure she doesn't have evil red eyes. Besides, I highly doubt that the Whore of Babylon would ever put up with spending her days in a pantsuit.

Now I get that Hillary may not be well liked among this book’s target audience. But come on, to call her the Whore of Babylon is kind of exaggerating. And I’m sure she doesn’t have evil red eyes. Besides, I highly doubt that the Whore of Babylon would ever put up with spending her days in a pantsuit.

Seems like somebody really doesn’t like Hillary Clinton.

27. The Rifleman

Now The Rifleman was a western TV show pertaining to a father and son in the 1950s. However, though I'm sure this book's for kids, the cover image suggests otherwise.

Now The Rifleman was a western TV show pertaining to a father and son in the 1950s. However, though I’m sure this book’s for kids, the cover image suggests otherwise.

I think the designers didn’t think about the implications involving the log’s proximity to the man’s crotch.

28. Child of Flame by Kate Elliot

Then again, I'm sure his red mane gives the princess something to hold onto during the ride. However, I'm sure the destination won't be so pleasant from what I can tell by the guy's facial expressions.

Then again, I’m sure his red mane gives the princess something to hold onto during the ride. However, I’m sure the destination won’t be so pleasant from what I can tell by the guy’s facial expressions.

Have no idea why the griffin in this cover has a demonic human head resembling a rock musician from the 1980s.

29. A Feast Unknown by Philip Jose Farmer

Since it's an

Since it’s an “adults only” book, you can speculate this is about a 1980s bodybuilder transported to some wilderness where he has only his rifle to survive. Still, the guy’s proportions are terrible since he seems to have no hips.

Let’s just say that I’m sure this guy is trying to compensate for something. Or he’s just that manly to go out hunting so scantily.

30. Surfing Samurai Robots by Mel Gilden

Now this just looks ridiculous. Also, I wonder what that thing is in a green coat and jeans. Doesn't seem to be in place here. Not to mention, the robot duck is quite adorable.

Now this just looks ridiculous. Also, I wonder what that thing is in a green coat and jeans. Doesn’t seem to be in place here. Not to mention, the robot duck is quite adorable.

Seems like that woman is very turned on by the muscle bound samurai robot in a speedo.

31. Liberace: Your Personal Fashion Consultant by Michael and Karen Feder

Now who in their right mind would want to wear that outfit? Might be something that Liberace would wear. But everyone else? Hell, no! I'm sure any normal guy wearing this would be thrown out of every bar in town, save the place they serve the gays. Seriously, this must be a joke.

Now who in their right mind would want to wear that outfit? Might be something that Liberace would wear. But everyone else? Hell, no! I’m sure any normal guy wearing this would be thrown out of every bar in town, save the place they serve the gays. Seriously, this must be a joke.

Oh, no, they can’t be serious! Why would anyone want Liberace as their personal fashion consultant?

32. The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank

What's even worse is that this book's been published with photos of Anne Frank for decades. Why a designer in South Korea thought replacing her with a slutty blond, I have no idea. Seriously, there's no excuse for having a cover like this.

What’s even worse is that this book’s been published with photos of Anne Frank for decades. Why a designer in South Korea thought replacing her with a slutty blond, I have no idea. Seriously, there’s no excuse for having a cover like this.

Jesus Christ! Anne Frank was a Jewish teenage girl during the Holocaust! She died in a concentration camp for God’s sake! Not some skanky blonde call girl from LA!

33. Ma! There’s Nothing to Do Here! by Barbara Park and illustrated by Vivianna Garofoli

Yes, I know childbirth and pregnancy can be disgusting. But still, I'm sure this woman should opt for a c-section since the baby has such an over-sized head. Also, maybe it's best to leave the childbirth out of kiddie books. Just for the sake of not having covers like this.

Yes, I know childbirth and pregnancy can be disgusting. But still, I’m sure this woman should opt for a c-section since the baby has such an over-sized head. Also, maybe it’s best to leave the childbirth out of kiddie books. Just for the sake of not having covers like this.

Let’s just say that womb illustration gives me the creeps.

34. Compensating for Something by Ana Leigh

Wouldn't be surprised if this book pertained to some Brokeback Mountain type romance. Yet, I'm sure the guy won't disrobe on his wedding night due to possessing a tiny shaft.

Wouldn’t be surprised if this book pertained to some Brokeback Mountain type romance. Yet, I’m sure the guy won’t disrobe on his wedding night due to possessing a tiny shaft.

Guess this is about a cowboy’s struggle with his insecure masculinity.

35. The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III

I'm sure this girl's vagina isn't really haunted. Might seem that way because she's a demon. But as the skeletons can tell you, there were plenty of guys who just didn't listen.

I’m sure this girl’s vagina isn’t really haunted. Might seem that way because she’s a demon. But as the skeletons can tell you, there were plenty of guys who just didn’t listen.

Of course, the horns on her ears should’ve been a warning that she was bad news.

36. Jimmy’s Lawn Service by Tory Napoli

Seems like Jimmy will have a lot of explaining to do for being quite a busy boy. Hope he doesn't get into much trouble screwing every woman in town. Because no man wants to deal with child support, jealous husbands, paternity suits, possibly murder, and more. So perhaps guys should just keep it in their pants or use protection.

Seems like Jimmy will have a lot of explaining to do for being quite a busy boy. Hope he doesn’t get into much trouble screwing every woman in town. Because no man wants to deal with child support, jealous husbands, paternity suits, possibly murder, and more. So perhaps guys should just keep it in their pants or use protection.

Guess landscaping isn’t Jimmy’s only service in this case. Hope he’s at least 18.

37. The Feminists by Parley J. Cooper

Man, seems like someone really doesn't like feminism according to the cover. Of course, he probably has no idea of what feminism is and thinks they hate men, instead of the structural patriarchal sexism that they have to put up with every day of their lives. Seems the author doesn't notice this. And I'm sure he really hates women as you see on the cover.

Man, seems like someone really doesn’t like feminism according to the cover. Of course, he probably has no idea of what feminism is and thinks they hate men, instead of the structural patriarchal sexism that they have to put up with every day of their lives. Seems the author doesn’t notice this. And I’m sure he really hates women as you see on the cover.

Guess this is a rather popular book for misogynistic trolls on Reddit, Talk Radio fans, and men’s rights activists.

38. The Sheik by E.M. Hull

Actually I've seen the movie which is about a supposedly Arab sheik who kidnaps and nearly rapes a white woman in Northern Africa. But they fall in love. Guaranteed to anger Muslims and feminists alike. Well, if it weren't for the fact that the movie hadn't aged bad enough to be an unintentional comedy (it was made in the 1920s).  Also, he's actually English and Spanish, which doesn't seem believable in the least bit.

Actually I’ve seen the movie which is about a supposedly Arab sheik who kidnaps and nearly rapes a white woman in Northern Africa. But they fall in love. Guaranteed to anger Muslims and feminists alike. Well, if it weren’t for the fact that the movie hadn’t aged bad enough to be an unintentional comedy (it was made in the 1920s). Also, he’s actually English and Spanish, which doesn’t seem believable in the least bit.

A romance between a rich Arab guy and a white woman who can fit in his hand.

39. Moosed-Up by Tiffinie Helmer

Actually it would be better if they actually kill the moose, stuffed its head, and then used his antlers as a clothes rack. Because moose aren't very nice animals and kill more people than bears.

Actually it would be better if they actually kill the moose, stuffed its head, and then used his antlers as a clothes rack. Because moose aren’t very nice animals and kill more people than bears.

I’m sure the bull moose would be ideally suited for a clothes rack. And by the clothes, I guess it’s a romance novel.

40. Changing Planes by Ursula K. Le Guin

Naked woman rising from a corn husk in the morning? Now that's messed up. Seriously, I've heard of corns but this is ridiculous. Also bad photoshop.

Naked woman rising from a corn husk in the morning? Now that’s messed up. Seriously, I’ve heard of corns but this is ridiculous. Also bad photoshop.

Seems like at least one of the Children of the Corn is all grown up.

41. The Game of Love by Jean Rossetta

Also, I'm not sure if

Also, I’m not sure if “Ho Ho,” is a great name for a game show in a romance novel. Besides, we all know that she’s going to end up on the Goodyear Blimp with the Michelin Tire Man.

It was said that her hair was molded from the finest tire rubber, no doubt.

42. Duck Dy-Nasty: Nasty Gays with Big Guns by Sky Eagleday

Of course, this cover image is just ridiculous. Besides, pointing a gun at a rubber duck? I'm sure it'll traumatize little kids. But adults will find such an image too hilarious to take this book seriously.

Of course, this cover image is just ridiculous. Besides, pointing a gun at a rubber duck? I’m sure it’ll traumatize little kids. But adults will find such an image too hilarious to take this book seriously.

Man, seems Rubber Ducky will soon be off to the great bathtub in the sky. Ernie must be horrified.

43. Santa Claus Lays the Virgin by Rachel Jakes

Oooh, boy, looks like Santa belongs on the naughty list as of this Christmas. Yeah, screwing scantily clad teenage girls can do that for you. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with Chris Kringle these days?

Oooh, boy, looks like Santa belongs on the naughty list as of this Christmas. Yeah, screwing scantily clad teenage girls can do that for you. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with Chris Kringle these days?

Seems like Santa is a dirty old man and I’m sure that Mrs. Claus will at least have him sleep on the couch after this.

44. A Gronking to Remember by Lacey Noonan

This book was actually subject to a lawsuit by an Ohio couple alleging the author had used their engagement photo without their permission. I'm surprised that it wasn't sued by the New England Patriots. It also has a sequel called Chad Goes Deep in the Neutral Zone.

This book was actually subject to a lawsuit by an Ohio couple alleging the author had used their engagement photo without their permission. I’m surprised that it wasn’t sued by the New England Patriots. It also has a sequel called Chad Goes Deep in the Neutral Zone.

“It was a passion that could not be spiked,” as well as fumbled, snatched, or intercepted.

45. Crystal Cabbage: Meth Whore by E. L. Vyse

I'm sure this author is really aiming for fans of Breaking Bad. Still, I can understand the image. Because featuring a real meth whore on the cover wouldn't be a sure sell. Then again, she could've used Gollum who's a pretty close approximation.

I’m sure this author is really aiming for fans of Breaking Bad. Still, I can understand the image. Because featuring a real meth whore on the cover wouldn’t be a sure sell. Then again, she could’ve used Gollum who’s a pretty close approximation.

I’m sure if she was a real meth whore, she’d look way less attractive than that. And I bet her teeth are better looking, too.

46. How to Catch Crabs by Demelza Carlton

Let's hope the crab catching these people do doesn't lead to them itching and scratching their nether regions afterwards. Then again, if one of them has crabs, then they should probably see a doctor and keep it in their pants.

Let’s hope the crab catching these people do doesn’t lead to them itching and scratching their nether regions afterwards. Then again, if one of them has crabs, then they should probably see a doctor and keep it in their pants.

Actually I’d rather learn how not to catch crabs, thank you very much.

47. Dating for Under a Dollar: 301 Ideas compiled by Blair Tolman

Sure it might be handy during tough economic times. But would you really want to be seen buying it is the question. Also known as

Sure it might be handy during tough economic times. But would you really want to be seen buying it is the question. Not to mention, I’m not sure how they came up with 301 dating ideas under a buck. Just seems impossible at a time when a typical McDonald’s meal costs more. Also known as “301 First Dates.” And not with the same person.

I’m sure some of these will have to be adjusted for inflation.

48. Taken by the Toaster by Dick Thumper

If I saw my boyfriend in bed with a toaster, I wouldn't be accusing him of cheating. Actually, I'd think he's losing his mind and should get his head examined. Seriously, a love story between a man and his toaster, why?

If I saw my boyfriend in bed with a toaster, I wouldn’t be accusing him of cheating. Actually, I’d think he’s losing his mind and should get his head examined. Seriously, a love story between a man and his toaster, why?

Seems like this is a little too attached to his kitchen appliances.

49. A Pagan’s Nightmare by Ray Blackston

But that doesn't mean embracing Christianity ha s prevented Jaws from eating people, though. He still finds their flesh too tempting for his own good.

But that doesn’t mean embracing Christianity ha s prevented Jaws from eating people, though. He still finds their flesh too tempting for his own good.

Guess our favorite great white has embraced the teachings of Jesus Christ by the looks of it.

50. True Romance by Beth Kincaid

Now I'm sure this is supposed to be geared to young girls and Katie has probably has no fantasies about banging horses whatsoever. Still, the title and tagline don't help matters. And might suggest that this book pertains to pre-teen girls and bestiality.

Now I’m sure this is supposed to be geared to young girls and Katie has probably has no fantasies about banging horses whatsoever. Still, the title and tagline don’t help matters. And might suggest that this book pertains to pre-teen girls and bestiality.

“Katie’s fallen in love- with a horse, of course!” Seriously, why go with that tagline?

51. What a Body! by Alan Green

From the cover:

From the cover: “Murder shouldn’t be fun, but Sandra was luscious enough to eat, and Hugo’s ideas about what to do with her were rather different.” Okay, maybe she should probably dump him and run to the nearest police station. It’s probably the sanest thing to do.

Also known as Yes, He’s Just That Into You But in a Very, Very Bad Way.

52. A Solitary Man by Beverly Bird

Man:

Man: “Oh, sweetheart, I want to make ravishing love to you under the full moon. I need you. I want you. I love you. You set my soul on fire.”
Woman: “Not tonight. Not ever. And if you don’t leave now, I shall file for a restraining order against you so I’ll never have to see you again.”

And will very much remain so according to the cover.

53. Randy Bamboo in Chicken City by RC Beaird and illustrated by Amy Koch Johnston

Yeah, this is children's book with one of the dirtiest titles I've ever read. I'm sure perverted parents are bound to be disappointed. Also, Chicken City kind of looks segregated. Just a thought.

Yeah, this is children’s book with one of the dirtiest titles I’ve ever read. I’m sure perverted parents are bound to be disappointed. Also, Chicken City kind of looks segregated. Just a thought.

From Bad Book Covers: “Try to come up with a kids’ book title that sounds more like a euphemism for a Thai sex tour. You cannot.”

54. Always Ask a Man: the Key to Femininity by Arlene Dahl

And by

And by “femininity” she probably means “indentured servitude.” I may hate burning books, but I’ll make this one an exception. Why should I ask a men how to be feminine, good God.

Worst advice about being a woman ever.

55. I Saw Him First by Marjorie Sharmat

Looks like these two girls are fighting over a robot who has absolutely no fashion sense and seems to like Hostess cupcakes. Also, he might be blind. Then again, maybe it's a teenage

Looks like these two girls are fighting over a robot who has absolutely no fashion sense and seems to like Hostess cupcakes. Also, he might be blind. Then again, maybe it’s a teenage “Weekend at Bernie’s” situation which might be quite terrifying.

From how I see it, the guy seems to have such a total lack of personality that he’s not even worth the attention.

56. The Lady Was a Man by Mark Shane

I have to admit, if I saw a man in women's clothes, I'd probably know. It's usually not that hard to figure out gender. Nevertheless, this guy might have some issues with his sexuality after that moment.

I have to admit, if I saw a man in women’s clothes, I’d probably know. It’s usually not that hard to figure out gender. Nevertheless, this guy might have some issues with his sexuality after that moment. Also, the abstract suggests date rape, which I think is even more disturbing. I meaning knocking out someone to disrobe is certainly a prelude to it. Guy must have serious problems.

Guess he’s never heard of “Lola” or The Crying Game.

57. Risky Dishes for Rescue Dogs by Howie “Homeboy” MacScruff

And I'm sure dogs shouldn't be eating some of that food on the table. Particularly the sundae with chocolate sauce. To a dog, that's a very lethal dessert.

And I’m sure dogs shouldn’t be eating some of that food on the table. Particularly the sundae with chocolate sauce. To a dog, that’s a very lethal dessert.

He didn’t choose the pound life. Pound life chose him.

58. Eminent Victorians by Lytton Strachey

Even if you haven't read this book, you should know that a book about famous people in the Victorian age shouldn't have a Viking on it. Better go with a picture of Charles Dickens, not Eric the Red. Seems like the cover designer knows nothing about history. Or just thinks a Viking on the cover looks cool.

Even if you haven’t read this book, you should know that a book about famous people in the Victorian age shouldn’t have a Viking on it. Better go with a picture of Charles Dickens, not Eric the Red. Seems like the cover designer knows nothing about history. Or just thinks a Viking on the cover looks cool.

Cover seems to give the impression that the Victorian Era took place in the 9th century, not the 19th.

59. Life of Chopin by Franz Lizst

For God's sake, Frederic Chopin was a French-Polish pianist who had a 9 year love affair with George Sand. Also he lived during the 19th century Romantic Era and died young. He was never a guitar wielding folksinger from the 1960s who wore Levis. Did these people even do their research?

For God’s sake, Frederic Chopin was a French-Polish pianist who had a 9 year love affair with George Sand. Also he lived during the 19th century Romantic Era and died young. He was never a guitar wielding folksinger from the 1960s who wore Levis. Did these people even do their research?

Seems more appropriate for a Johnny Cash biography to me.

60. Norwegian Life by Ethlyn T. Clough

For those who think that Norway would make a great tropical vacation spot this summer, you must be sorely mistaken. Seriously, that looks more like the Bahamas than Norway. Besides, part of Norway is in the Arctic circle not on the Equator.

For those who think that Norway would make a great tropical vacation spot this summer, you must be sorely mistaken. Seriously, that looks more like the Bahamas than Norway. Besides, part of Norway is in the Arctic circle not on the Equator. Someone really knows nothing about geography.

For God’s sake, that doesn’t look the least like a place with terrible winters. And I’m sure they don’t have palm trees any more than they have parrots.